Community - Pilot original script lyrics

EXT. CAMPUS LAWNS – DAY Dean PELTON, a skinny, pale, effeminate man, is standing on a small platform, accompanied by a few seated elderly people, a podium and a stereo playing the sounds of bells chiming. After a few chimes PELTON shuts it off and turns to the podium. Holding up his cue cards, he addresses a small, scattered group of students. PELTON Good morning. The stereo interrupts with loud rap music. The microphone screeches as PELTON tries to get it to turn off. PELTON How do we turn this off? Uh, can you help me turn this off? Uh oh, uh oh, uh oh, how do we turn this off? Can you help me with this? The seated adults get up to help and they eventually manage to shut it off. PELTON Oh, thankyou. Thankyou so much. I didn't mean to snap. (Turns back to the podium) Uh, good morning! Uh, many of you are half way through your first week here at Greendale, and, uh, as your Dean… (Bows) …I thought I would share a few thoughts of wisdom and inspiration. (Reads from cue cards) What is community college? Well, you've heard all kinds of things. You've heard it's loser college for remedial teens. (Zoom on TROY) Twenty-something dropouts. (Zoom on BRITTA) Middle-aged divorcees. (Zoom on SHIRLEY) And old people, keeping their minds active as they circle the drain of eternity. (Zoom on PIERCE) That's what you've heard, however… (Changes cards) …I wish you luck! Everyone just stares at him. PELTON pauses, then checks his cue cards. PELTON Okay, you know- uh oh. Okay, there's more to this speech, there's actually a middle card that is missing. Can we all look around our immediate areas? Because I really wanted to… CUT TO: EXT. CAMPUS LAWNS – DAY (CONT.) JEFF, a handsome, too-cool-for-the-world type is standing some distance away, being talked at by a fast-paced ABED, who is Autistic. ABED (Quickly) I'm only half-Arabic, actually. My dad is Palestinian. He's a US citizen, he's not a threat to national security or anything, a lot of people want to know that after they meet him because he has an angry energy, but not like angry at America, just angry at my mom for leaving him, although she did leave because he was angry because she's American. (Holds out hand) My name's Abed, by the way. JEFF (Shaking his hand) Abed, uh, nice to know you, and then meet you, in that order. Now, about that question that I asked? ABED Oh. Uh… (Checks watch, thinks) Five after eleven, when you asked. JEFF sees BRITTA across the lawns and stops ABED abruptly. JEFF Abed. ABED Yeah? JEFF What's the deal with the hot girl from Spanish cla**? I can't find a road in there. ABED Well, I only talked to her once while she was borrowing a pencil, but… her name is Britta, she's twenty eight, birthday in October, she has two older brothers and one of them works with children who have a disorder I might wanna look up. Oh and she thinks she's gonna flunk tomorrow's test so she really needs to focus, so she's sorry if that makes her seem cold. JEFF Holy crap. Abed. (Shakes his hand again) I see your value now. (Leaves) ABED That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me. INT. DUNCAN'S OFFICE – DAY DUNCAN, a British professor with horrible teeth, is sitting at his desk playing with a Rubik's cube. There is a knock at the door. DUNCAN Absolutely not. The door opens anyway and JEFF enters. JEFF If these guys knew you like I did, they would've given you a small office. DUNCAN Jeff Winger! Genius at law! JEFF (Shaking hands and grinning) You gotta stop saying that! DUNCAN I will never do that. Sit down. I still cannot figure out how you got a jury to connect September the eleventh with my DUI. Let alone why that helped. JEFF Well, two thousand and two was a simpler time. DUNCAN So what is my lawyer doing here? JEFF I'm a student. DUNCAN (After a brief pause) Well that cannot be an inspiring journey. JEFF Uh, I-I am in a bit of a jam. The- the state bar has suspended my license. Uh, they found out my college degree was… less than legitimate. DUNCAN Well I thought you had a Bachelors from Columbia? JEFF Now I have to get one from America. (DUNCAN grimaces) And it can't be an email attachment. DUNCAN Well, you've picked a fine school. JEFF Yes! And I am hoping that our friendship will yield certain advantages. You know, academic guidance… DUNCAN Yes. JEFF …moral support… (Takes out schedule) …every answer to every test for every one of the cla**es that I'm taking, uh, here's my schedule- DUNCAN No. Now, Jeff, just by asking that, you have- you have insulted the integrity of this entire institution. DUNCAN picks up a wooden cane and bangs on his window with it, scaring off a student outside, who was peeing in the bushes. DUNCAN Oy! Waster! Not a bathroom! Not- not a bathroom! JEFF Okay, Duncan, you did seem less into integrity the day that I convinced twelve of your peers that when you made that u-turn on the freeway, and tried to order chalupas from the emergency call box, that your only real crime was loving America. DUNCAN Well I-I do love America, I love it. Very much. JEFF Mmm? DUNCAN I… I love chalupas. JEFF But…? DUNCAN I'll look into it. JEFF Thankyou. Duncan, you are a good man. They shake hands again and JEFF heads to the door. DUNCAN Jeff, are you familiar with the adage “cheaters never prosper”? JEFF (Opening the door) No. And, if I wanted to learn something, I wouldn't have come to community college. He grins, then leaves. OPENING TITLES INT. CAFETERIA – DAY PIERCE, an elderly, white-haired yet balding man, is having trouble putting together a hotdog. He struggles to get the sausage in the roll correctly, then accidentally sprays the sauce everywhere. He gives up, attempting and failing to hide the hotdog in amongst a pile of bread. JEFF, in line for food, sees BRITTA across the room. She is young, blonde and attractive but completely engrossed in her work, writing furiously. JEFF abandons the line and approaches her. JEFF Oh, hey, Spanish. BRITTA (Not looking up) Yeah, don't hit on me, okay? JEFF Whoa. Uh, I wouldn't dream of it. I just wanted to let you know about my Spanish study group. BRITTA (Finally making eye contact) Oh, whoa, whoa, the guy who's playing Bej**elled on his iPhone all cla** has a study group? Um, can I sign up twice? JEFF I'm taking the cla** as an easy credit. I'm actually a Spanish tutor. Board-certified. BRITTA Can you say that in Spanish now? JEFF Duermo tarde español, una hora más, no rasque mi coche. SUBTITLES I sleep late Spanish, one more hour, do not scrach my car. BRITTA (Considers him; after a pause) I really need help with Spanish. JEFF Yeah, I was willing to bet. I'm Jeff. (They shake hands) Or “jefe”. SUBTITLES Boss. JEFF The group meets at the library at four. BRITTA Britta, thanks. She picks up her things and makes to leave. JEFF You gonna be there? BRITTA just smiles at him and walks away. JEFF Un poquito más! SUBTITLES A little more! JEFF That means “see you there”! A large, black WOMAN approaches JEFF from the food line. JEFF Shouldn't be that hard to fake a study group, right? WOMAN Eh? JEFF Oh, jeez, I'm sorry, uh... I was raised on TV, and I was conditioned to believe that every black woman over fifty is a cosmic mentor. WOMAN Were you conditioned to pay for your damn tacos, Seinfield? JEFF Yes, I'm so sorry. (The WOMAN groans) It's Seinfeld. INT. GROUP STUDY ROOM – DAY JEFF is sitting alone at a large, eight-seater table in the library's group study room, repeating phrases to himself. BRITTA enters behind him. JEFF Bienvenuto. Bienvenuto. (Turns to see BRITTA) Bienvenuto! Hey! Alright, come on in! Uh, got the whole table, welcome. BRITTA Yeah. Got the whole room. (Puts her stuff down and sits) JEFF Here's a- yeah, here's the, uh... contact sheet. (Puts down a crumpled piece of yellow paper and a pen) Put your stuff there, that's... (Looks around) Man... rest of the group is running late. But you and I can get acquainted. BRITTA (Finishes writing her details) You may have noticed this morning, not so good at the small talk. JEFF Yeah, I like big talk. What's your deal? BRITTA That's not small talk? JEFF What's your deal, and is God dead? BRITTA (Smiles, pause) Alright, you wanna know my deal? JEFF (Nods) Mm. BRITTA I dropped out of high school because I thought, for some reason, it would impress Radiohead. JEFF Well you'd be surprised what gets back to those guys. BRITTA I, um, I joined the Peace Corps. I did a little foot modelling. I got tear ga**ed at a world trade rally. JEFF Marry me. BRITTA (Laughs) I guess, Jeff, my deal is, above all else, honesty. JEFF ...Honesty. BRITTA Yeah. You tell me the truth, I will like you. You lie to me, I will never talk to you again, that's my deal. JEFF That's a good deal. BRITTA So what's your deal? JEFF Uhh, I-I would have to go- I-I would- I would have to say, um... honesty. Because... uh, I would say anything to get what I want, and I-I want you to like me, so, uh... BRITTA Wow. That's a very honest answer. Alright, now I like you fine. JEFF Really? Wow, you're easy. BRITTA Hell yeah. Abed! They both turn to see ABED entering. BRITTA In the house! They both cheer, and JEFF joins in confusedly. JEFF Why? ABED (Pulling up a chair between JEFF and BRITTA) Oh, Britta invited me, is that cool? JEFF Oh! I can't think of a single logical reason why not. ABED Cool. (Sits down) JEFF There you go. (Hands over crumpled paper) Oh, hey, here. Put your contact info down right there, that's fine. ABED Cool. Cool. Cool. Cool, cool, cool. JEFF starts texting in his lap as ABED finished writing. ABED Hey. This is kinda like Breakfast Club, huh? BRITTA We are in a library. ABED Yeah. I'm sure we've all got an issue balled up inside of us that would make us cry if we talked about it. BRITTA Do you have something balled up inside of you? ABED I got a little doozy in the chamber if things get emotional. JEFF finishes texting and puts his phone on the table in front of him. ABED'S phone chimes and he takes it out. ABED Hey, text message! Let's give this bad boy a read. (Flips open phone) JEFF Uh, it's probably just for you. ABED I've never gotten one of these. JEFF I-I- ju- they're- it's probably- you just- ABED “Say you have to pee, I need to talk to you.” BRITTA looks suspiciously from ABED to JEFF. ABED holds his phone over so BRITTA can read it. ABED “Say you have to pee.” BRITTA That is weird. ABED (Showing JEFF) “Say you have to pee, I need to talk to you.” JEFF Yeah. Do you have to pee? ABED No. JEFF Hmm. ABED It's so weird. JEFF Well I'm stumped. It's very creepy. ABED That makes two of us. JEFF'S phone chimes and he picks it up. It reads “Con-4-s-8-tion on football field now!!! –Duncan”. BRITTA What's that? ABED Does it say you have to pee? JEFF No, it's just, uh... someone with a misguided grasp of abbreviation. Uh, I just need five minutes you guys, so go ahead and study all the, uh... verbs. In- in Spanish. He walks out, BRITTA watching him go. BRITTA Abed. ABED Yeah? BRITTA What's your read on that guy? ABED (After a pause) You look like Elisabeth Shue. BRITTA frowns at him. EXT. FOOTBALL FIELD – DAY DUNCAN is standing in the middle of the field watching people prepare for a race as JEFF walks up to him. DUNCAN Just act natural, pretend you're watching the athletic proceedings. JEFF You couldn't stop me from watching them. There's a guy trying out for the track team that is older than the game of poker. The starting gun goes off and the old man takes the lead. JEFF He's kinda truckin'. DUNCAN Suppose I was to say to you it was possible to get those test answers. JEFF I would say go for that, and could've said so in a text. DUNCAN I'm asking you if you know the difference between right and wrong. JEFF looks at him. JEFF I discovered at a very early age that if I talked long enough, I could make anything right or wrong. So, either I'm God, or truth is relative, and in either case, booyah. DUNCAN Oh, interesting. It's just the average person has a much harder time saying “booyah” to moral relativism. JEFF Duncan, you don't have to play shrink to protect your pride. I accept, you're chicken. DUNCAN Are you trying to use reverse psychology on a psychologist? JEFF No, I'm just using regular psychology on a spineless British twit. DUNCAN I'm a professor! You can't talk to me that way! JEFF A six year old girl could talk to you that way! DUNCAN Yes, because that would be adorable! JEFF No, because you're a five year old girl and there's a pecking order! DUNCAN Fine, I'll do it! JEFF Thankyou. He pats DUNCAN on the back and walks away. DUNCAN Yeah! A pleasure! Bye! Yes! Good. Why am I still shouting? I'm drawing attention to myself. INT. GROUP STUDY ROOM – DAY JEFF enters quickly with his head down. JEFF Hey guys, you're not gonna believe this, but the rest of the group- He stops, noticing that in addition to ABED, there are now four other people sitting at the table. PIERCE is there, as is TROY, a young black guy in a high school letter jacket, SHIRLEY, a large, black, middle-aged woman, and ANNIE, a young, pale, conservatively-dressed girl. BRITTA is absent. JEFF ...is here. PIERCE Are you the board-certified tutor? TROY That means you do my homework, right Seacrest? SHIRLEY I need to call my babysitter if we're gonna be later than ten. ANNIE What board certifies a tutor? JEFF (To ABED) Where's Britta? ABED Not sure, but I invited more people from Spanish cla**, is that cool? JEFF That's the... coolest! He gives a forced thumbs up, which ABED cheerfully returns. JEFF I'm... gonna go to the bathroom, and... bring my jacket, wallet and, uh, keys with me, in case there's a fire. He picks up all of his things and quickly leaves. SHIRLEY Sh-should we go with him? PIERCE I don't believe this. TROY Im'a leave my homework with Slumdog Millionaire over here. (Tosses his book to ABED) SHIRLEY This boy's a little racist, I think. CUT TO: EXT. LIBRARY – DAY JEFF strides out, only to be confronted by BRITTA. BRITTA And busted. JEFF Uh, listen- BRITTA (Holding up a cigarette) Now you know. I'm a smoker. JEFF (Quickly adjusting) Yeah, but they're filtered, so that makes them safe. BRITTA You ready to get started? Looks like the rest of your group showed up. JEFF Yeah, not mine actually, I think Abed took out a page on Craigslist. And I was trained never to say this, but I think that group may be untutorable. BRITTA Oh, really? JEFF So, uh, why don't you and I go to study over some- BRITTA Dinner? JEFF Or, drinks. BRITTA I think, actually, we should prioritise here and study first, and then go to dinner. She walks past JEFF to the library door. BRITTA And if they really prove to be untutorable, we'll slip out early. (Goes inside) JEFF Oh. They will be... untutorable. (Follows) INT. GROUP STUDY ROOM – DAY Everyone is sitting around the table, looking up at JEFF in anticipation. JEFF is at the head of the table, with ANNIE and SHIRLEY to his left, PIERCE and TROY in front of him, and ABED and BRITTA to his right. JEFF Alright! Look at this group! All ready to study all night! SHIRLEY Well I can stay at least ‘til ten- ABED Yeah- (Checks watch) JEFF But who studies with strangers, right? My name is Jeff. PIERCE (Standing) Jeff, it's a pleasure. My name is Pierce Hawthorne, and yes, that is Hawthorne as in Hawthorne Wipes, the award-winning moist towlette. As he speaks, PIERCE holds out his hand to shake. JEFF can't reach it, so he sits on the table and extends his hand but PIERCE takes his back just as JEFF gets there. JEFF I was just gonna ask. PIERCE I'm also a toast master, so perhaps I should do the introductions? JEFF Definitely. PIERCE Alright, you already know Brittles. BRITTA Britta. PIERCE Uh, Aybed. Aybed the A-rab! (Chuckles) Is that inappropriate? ABED Sure. PIERCE (Clapping a hand on TROY'S shoulder) Roy! Roy the wonder boy! TROY Troy. PIERCE Little princess Elizabeth. ANNIE Annie. PIERCE (Turning to SHIRLEY) And finally, this beautiful creature is named Shirley. JEFF (To SHIRLEY) Is that even close? SHIRLEY nods regretfully. ANNIE I'd like to know why I had to find out about this group on accident? ABED Oh, this is getting way more like Breakfast Club now. PIERCE There's breakfast? BRITTA Okay! Um, maybe we should get to- JEFF (Placing his hand over BRITTA'S) You know, I've been a part of a lot of study groups that fell apart because of unresolved tension. (BRITTA narrows her eyes at him) Shouldn't we address Annie's concern? Did we not invite her? SHIRLEY Well Annie, sweetie, it's not behind your back, we just didn't really think about you- ANNIE Can we stop with the “pumpkins” and the “sweeties”? Being younger does not make me inferior; if anything, your age indicates that you made bad life decisions. SHIRLEY starts shaking her head and making disagreeing noises. JEFF Oh, Shirley has a response to that. SHIRLEY No, no, no, no, don't. TROY It really looks like you do. JEFF Please, Shirley, go ahead. ABED You should say something, dig deep. SHIRLEY Okay, okay, um... I'm sure I've made some- some bad life decisions, and maybe Annie's decisions will be better. Um, but I think she needs to decide whether she wants to be considered a- a child, or an adult, because children get pity, but not respect, and adults, they get respect, but they also get the back of their head grabbed and their face pushed through jukeboxes! BRITTA Okay! Why don't we try learning “jukebox” in Spanish? PIERCE touches the back of SHIRLEY'S head and she recoils. SHIRLEY What are you doing?! JEFF Pierce! Let's discuss this creepiness. PIERCE Pardon you? BRITTA (To JEFF) What are you doing? JEFF (Quickly) I'm certified. (To PIERCE) Are you unaware that Shirley finds your advances inappropriate? PIERCE (Chuckles) What advances? SHIRLEY You have been s**ually hara**ing me since the very first day of cla**. PIERCE Sexually hara**ing? What? That makes no sense to me; why would I hara** somebody who turns me on? TROY Saying she turns you on IS the hara**ment, dude! PIERCE Hey. I am a prominent business leader, and a highly sought after dinner guest, and I will not take courting advice from some teenage boy. TROY (Laughs) Well this teenage boy is a quarterback and a prom king. ANNIE You're not prom king anymore, Troy. This isn't Riverside High. TROY How'd you know I went there? ANNIE Because you're still wearing your stupid letter jacket. And more importantly, I sat behind you in algebra! TROY Were you that girl that got hooked on pills and then dropped out? (Laughs) You're Little Annie Aderol! ANNIE Okay, then you're a stupid jock who lost his scholarship by dislocating both shoulders in a keg stand! TROY Keg flip! They're very hard to pull off! Everyone starts shouting at each other in argument as BRITTA stares, mouth agape, and JEFF smiles in amusement. Suddenly, ABED slams his hand on the table and everyone falls silent. ABED You know what I got for Christmas? It was a banner year at the Bender family. I got a carton of cigarettes. The old man grabbed me and he said, “Hey, smoke up, Johnny!” No dad, what about you?! Everyone just stares. ABED grins to himself, then nods at JEFF. JEFF Well, uh... that- that actually was from the Breakfast Club. Everyone nods. ABED Nobody puts Baby in a corner. JEFF Dirty Dancing. ABED (Nodding and grinning) Yeah. JEFF'S phone rings and he answers it. JEFF Hello? DUNCAN (Speaking in a deep voice) It's Professor Duncan; come to the parking lot, now. JEFF What's wrong with your voice? DUNCAN I'm disguising it. (Hangs up) JEFF Uhh, I'll be right back. But while I'm gone, you guys need to hash this stuff out. No stone unturned. Go! He leaves with his jacket. BRITTA watches him go as everyone starts arguing again. EXT. PARKING LOT – DAY JEFF looks around for DUNCAN when he hears a honk. He turns to see DUNCAN huddled inside a tiny car. DUNCAN Get in the car! JEFF pulls a face before reluctantly getting in. DUNCAN Act as if we've either just finished, or are yet to begin driving. JEFF shuts the door as DUNCAN holds up a thick yellow Manila envelope that is taped shut with duct tape. DUNCAN Every answer to every test in your curriculum this semester. JEFF I knew you could do it buddy, thank you! He goes to take it but DUNCAN snatches it away. DUNCAN Whoa there, grabby grabby. What do I get? JEFF The satisfaction of being even. DUNCAN Even, fairness, right, wrong. There is no God. Booyah, booyah. JEFF Well what do you want from me? DUNCAN Your Lexus. JEFF My car? For a semester's worth of answers? DUNCAN Will it be just a semester though, Jeff? Won't you be taking the easy way out for the next four years? I want payment in advance. I want leather seats with built-in ball-warmers. JEFF You know, bluffs this weak are how your people lost the colonies. JEFF gets out of the car, but DUNCAN stops him. DUNCAN Have a nice disbarment hearing. JEFF reluctantly gets back in. JEFF What am I supposed to drive?! DUNCAN Well you should take this car. It's good for the earth. JEFF Yeah, well so is wiping your bu*t with a leaf, but it's not how a man gets around! DUNCAN stays silent; he just holds the package out to JEFF again. JEFF stares at it furiously, weighing his options, then rolls his eyes and snatches it. CUT TO: INT. GROUP STUDY ROOM – DAY JEFF Golf cart! JEFF jogs up the stairs to find everyone is still shouting and arguing. BRITTA sees him and comes out. BRITTA It is a disaster in there! JEFF Yeah! Untutorable. You like Thai food? I love Thai food? BRITTA Wait, so- so this is a game to you? You put human beings into a state of emotional shambles for a shot at getting in my pants? JEFF Why can't you see that for the compliment that it is? (BRITTA shakes her head) Okay, okay, okay, I'm sorry, it was an accident. I-I did a little bit of lying to get close to you. But how was I supposed to know that you were smart and cool? I mean, you look like Elizabeth Schue. BRITTA You're unbelievable. JEFF What do you want me to do? BRITTA Oh, maybe one decent thing could be to go in there and clean up your mess. JEFF looks into the room and watched everyone arguing for a second. JEFF Okay, if I do that, then... dinner, right? BRITTA just stares at him, then laughs. BRITTA Yeah, fine, whatever. As if there's a dinner on earth that could make me forget that you are a shallow douchebag. (Goes inside) JEFF Oh, you're gonna eat those words when you see my new car... JEFF'S face falls as he finishes the sentence and remembers his trade with DUNCAN. INT. GROUP STUDY ROOM – DAY (CONT.) Everyone is still yelling. JEFF walks in, slams the envelope on the table and everyone falls silent. JEFF Alright everybody! I wanna say something. Sit down. Everyone complies. SHIRLEY You don't have to yell, I don't appreciate your tone. JEFF pauses for a second as everyone gets settled. JEFF You know what makes humans different from other animals? TROY Feet! PIERCE No, come on, bears have feet. JEFF We're the only species on earth that observes Shark Week. Sharks don't even observe Shark Week, but we do. For the same reason I can pick up this pencil, tell you its name is Steve, and go like this. He snaps the pencil in half. ABED Oh! JEFF And part of you dies. Just a little bit on the inside. Because people can connect with anything. (Tosses the broken pencil to ABED) We can sympathise with a pencil, we can forgive a shark, and we can give Ben Affleck an Academy Award for screenwriting. PIERCE Big mistake. (The others murmur in agreement) JEFF People can find the good in just about anything but themselves. Look at me. It's clear to all of you that I am awesome. But I can never admit that, because that would make me an a**. But what I can do is see what makes Annie awesome. She's driven. We need driven people, or the lights go out and the ice cream melts. And Pierce. We need guys like Pierce. This guy has wisdom to offer. PIERCE The Dalai Lama and I- JEFF We should listen to him sometime! We wouldn't regret it. And Shirley. Shirley has earned our respect; not as a wife, not as a mother, but as a woman. And don't test her on that, because that thing about the jukebox was way too specific to be improvised. (SHIRLEY nods) And Troy. Who cares if Troy thinks he's all that? Maybe he is. You think astronauts go to the moon because they hate oxygen? No. They're trying to impress their high school's prom king. And Abed. (ABED stops trying to fix the snapped pencil) Abed's a shaman. You ask him to pa** the salt, he gives you a bowl of soup, because you know what? Soup is better. Abed is better. You are all better than you think you are. You were just designed not to believe it when you hear it from yourself. PIERCE Soup? JEFF I want you to look to the person to your left. (Everyone does) Sorry. Look at the person sitting next to you. (The pairs turn to each other) Yeah. I want you to extend to that person the same compa**ion that you extend to sharks, pencils and Ben Affleck. I want you to say to that person, “I forgive you.” ANNIE/SHIRLEY I forgive you. ABED/BRITTA I forgive you. TROY I forgive you. PIERCE Twerp. JEFF Pierce, I'd like you to say “I forgive you.” SHIRLEY He didn't say it? PIERCE (Quietly, almost a mumble) I forgive you. JEFF You've just stopped being a study group. You have become something unstoppable. I hereby pronounce you a community. SHIRLEY Oh, that's nice! Everyone except PIERCE smiles and claps. ABED This isn't like Breakfast Club anymore. Uh, now it's like Stripes or Meatballs; anything with Bill Murray, really. Yeah. JEFF I agree with Abed that tonight has been very special. And now if you'll excuse me, I have a dinner engagement with Britta. (Turns to her) Britta? BRITTA I lied. Thanks for calming everyone down, but since you're not a Spanish tutor and just a lying creep who purposely upset everyone in an attempt to get with me, I'd appreciate it if you left and stopped wasting all of our time. (To the group) Everybody ready? JEFF Fine. And I'm happy to report that one of the benefits of being a lying creep is having all the answers to tomorrow's test. (Holds up envelope) And I'm happy to share them with anyone whose time I've wasted more than they've wasted mine. (Glares at BRITTA) PIERCE Uh, Jeff, if you have all the answers, why the hell did you start this study group? JEFF I don't have a study group Pierce, I made it up. ANNIE But what about the “look left” speech? JEFF Made it up! That's what I do, I make things up, and I got paid a lot of money to do it before I came to this school-shaped toilet. I was a lawyer. Everyone groans in disgust. JEFF picks up the envelope and makes to leave. ABED You know, I thought you were like Bill Murray in any of his films, but you're more like Michael Douglas in any of his films. JEFF Yeah? ABED Yeah. JEFF Well you have Asperger's. (Leaves) ABED What does that mean? TROY (Laughs) Ass burgers. ANNIE It's a serious disorder. SHIRLEY Oh yeah. PIERCE If it's so serious, why don't they call it meningitis? TROY (Chuckles) Yeah. PIERCE (Chuckles also) Ass burgers. TROY Burger for your a**. EXT. LIBRARY – NIGHT JEFF walks out, tears open the envelope and pulls out a stack of blank paper. He stops and flicks through them; on the last page, DUNCAN has written “BOOYAH”. CUT TO: INT. DUNCAN'S OFFICE – NIGHT DUNCAN is leaning back in his chair, laughing to himself and drinking red wine. JEFF'S car keys are in his hand. JEFF kicks the door open and DUNCAN puts his wine gla** down. DUNCAN Jeffrey, before you say anything, you may want to think about the gift you've been given. JEFF An excuse to punch a hippy? DUNCAN No. No, not that. An important lesson, my friend. You see, the tools you acquired to survive our there will not help you here at Greendale. JEFF starts towards DUNCAN. DUNCAN What you have, my friend, is a second chance at an honest life. JEFF Why are people trying to teach me things at a school that has an express tuition aisle? Give me the keys. DUNCAN No, I have to keep the car, for the lesson. JEFF lunges at DUNCAN, and he tosses JEFF the keys instantly. DUNCAN Don't hit me. Please don't hit me. JEFF takes the keys and walks out. DUNCAN Jeffrey? Jeffrey? Are we cool? Are we cool?! (Picks up wine gla**) We cool. EXT. LIBRARY – NIGHT (CONT.) JEFF walks past the library exit, where PIERCE is standing. JEFF stops when he speaks. PIERCE I like you, Jeffrey. You remind me of myself at your age. JEFF (Nods) I deserve that. PIERCE (Sitting down on the steps) You know, I've been divorced... (Thinks) ...seven times. Sometimes I think I'm doing something wrong. JEFF (Sitting next to him) You keep getting married. PIERCE I never looked at it that way. TROY walks up and stops next to JEFF. JEFF looks between him and PIERCE. JEFF Shouldn't you guys be studying? TROY Yeah, things got kinda boring after you left. (Sits next to JEFF) Let me ask you something. People have been clowning me about this jacket since I got here, but... if I take it off to make them happy, that just makes me weak, right? JEFF Listen. It doesn't matter. You lose the jacket to please them, you keep it to piss them off. Either way, it's for them. That's what's weak. TROY Whoa. You just wrinkled my brain, man. PIERCE He's good, isn't he? TROY He's real good. The rest of the group approaches from the library doors. ABED sits on the ground at the bottom of the stairs, the rest just stand behind JEFF. BRITTA Shouldn't you be rolling around on a bed covered in test answers? JEFF tosses the blank pages to the ground for all to see. JEFF I don't have any of the answers. I'm gonna- I'm gonna flunk the test. TROY You just, like, study for, like, an hour, it's not that hard. You seem pretty smart, you got a sports coat. JEFF Well, the funny thing about being smart is that you can get through most of life without ever having to do any work. So, uh... I'm not really s- sure how to do that. SHIRLEY, ANNIE and TROY start worldessly miming to BRITTA that she should allow JEFF back into the group because he is sad and needs help with Spanish. BRITTA mimes back that he's a douche and she doesn't want to let him back in. ABED looks between them confusedly. ABED What's going on? Can you guys hear me? Am I deaf? Can you hear me talking right now? SHIRLEY/ANNIE/BRITTA/TROY/PIERCE Yes, yes. ABED Yes? That's good. BRITTA You know what, Jeff, actually we didn't get that far without you, so if you wanna come back upstairs... JEFF turns and looks at her. JEFF Really? BRITTA Well it is your study group, so... SHIRLEY C'mon, let's study. PIERCE Sounds good. TROY Pressure. They all get up and go back into the library except for JEFF and ABED. ABED I'm sorry I called you Michael Douglas and I see your value now. (Goes inside) JEFF (Frowns) That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me. He picks up his things and follows the others inside.