Christopher Lloyd (producer) - Pilot Script lyrics

ACT ONE 1 EXT. SUBURBAN AMERICAN STREET -- DAY The camera pushes in to a SUBURBAN HOUSE. CLAIRE (O.S.): Kids! Breakfast! 2 INT. KITCHEN -- CONTINUOUS Claire is busy making breakfast for the family. Phil enters in workout clothes. CLAIRE: What's with the workout clothes? (then) Kids!!! PHIL: What? I work out. (glances toward the camera) Just because I don't run six miles a day like you -- CLAIRE: Eight. PHIL: You run eight miles a day? That's like three-thousand miles a year. You could have run to Hawaii. CLAIRE: I think about that every single day. (shouting out) BREAKFAST!!! Haley enters in a short skirt. HALEY: I'm having a friend over today. CLAIRE: Haley, you're not wearing that skirt. HALEY: What's wrong with it? CLAIRE: It's too short. People can tell you're a girl, you don't have to prove it to them. Alex enters.  ALEX (matter of fact): Luke got his head stuck in the banister again. PHIL: I got it. Where's the baby oil? CLAIRE: It's in our night stan-- (eyes camera) I don't know -- find it! 3 INTERVIEW -- PHIL & CLAIRE SUPER: "Phil & Claire" CLAIRE: Raising kids is like building a car. You only have so much time to make sure the steering works and the brakes stop and the engine is dependable before you send it out on the road, and if you get one little rivet wrong, it will drive off a cliff and explode. Awkward beat. PHIL: We have a lot of fun. 4 EXT SOCCER FIELD -- DAY Gloria and Jay watch as Gloria's son Manny plays in a soccer game. Gloria paces around nervously. Jay, dressed in a track suit, sits in a low folding chair, reading the paper. GLORIA: Go, Manny, go! Kick it! Don't let him -- kick it! The opposing player trips Manny. GLORIA (CONT'D): He tripped him! Where's the penalty?! JAY: Gloria, they're oh and six. Let's take it down a notch. An opposing player gets the ball. It's only Manny between him and the goal.  GLORIA (while HITTING Jay): Get the ball, Manny! Stop him. You can do it! But Manny gets distracted by a PRETTY TEENAGE GIRL riding by on a bicycle. The opposing player dribbles around Manny and SCORES. An uptight SOCCER MOM approaches the coach, oblivious that Gloria is Manny's mom. SOCCER MOM: Come on, Coach, you gotta take that kid out. Gloria wheels on her. GLORIA: You want to take him out?! How about I take you out?! Jay grabs the back of her jacket. JAY: Honey, honey... GLORIA (to Soccer Mom): Why don't you worry about your son? He spend the first half with his hand in his pants. Gloria moves off, disgusted. Jay, having been through scenes like this before, shakes his head as A SOCCER DAD approaches. SOCCER DAD Whoa, remind me not to mess with your daughter. JAY My daughter? (annoyed, struggles to get up) No, that's funny, actually, no, she's my wife. Don't be fooled by the -- just give me a second here. 5 INTERVIEW -- JAY AND GLORIA SUPER: "Jay and Gloria" JAY: Gloria and I met the day my ex-wife moved to Florida. I was feeling pretty emotional and Gloria was one of the bikini bartenders at the giant pool party I threw.  MY AMERICAN FAMILY "Pilot" 12-9-08 4. GLORIA: We're very different. Jay is from the city, he has a big business, I come from a small village, very poor but very, very beautiful. It is the number one village in all of Colombia for the... what's the word? JAY: Murders. GLORIA: Yes, the murders. 6 INT. AIRPLANE - DAY Boarding pa**engers file down the aisle pa**ing Mitchell, who holds on his lap an Asian baby, Lily. As various pa**engers pa** they smile at the baby and wave. PASSENGER #1: She's adorable. MITCHELL: Thanks. PASSENGER #2: Hi, precious. MITCHELL: (waving Lily's hand for her) Hi. (then) We just adopted her. From Vietnam. We're bringing her home for the first time. People across the aisle join in. PASSENGER #3: She's such a little angel. (to Lily) I can just tell you're going to be a daddy's girl, aren't you? Cameron enters and plops next to Mitchell. CAMERON: Sorry, sorry, this boy needed a Cinnabon. MITCHELL: (to Pa**enger #3) Let's hope so. END OF ACT ONE  ACT TWO 7 INT. STAIRWAY -- DAY Luke has his head stuck between the railings. Phil rubs baby oil on the railings and on Luke's head. PHIL: Why do you keep doing this? LUKE: I thought I could get out this time. ALEX (as she crosses past): Okay, I'm just gonna say it: He needs to be checked by a specialist. Phil frees Luke's head. PHIL (to Luke): There. Be free. Claire and Haley enter mid-conversation. CLAIRE: Who's coming over anyway? HALEY: You don't know him. CLAIRE: Him? Claire is clearly thrown. LUKE: Ooooh, a boy.... You gonna kiss him? HALEY: Shut up. CLAIRE (to Luke and Alex): Okay, why don't you guys go outside for a little bit? ALEX: And do what? PHIL: Fight in the sun. It'll be a nice change. Alex and Luke exit into the back yard. CLAIRE (trying to be casual): So, who is this boy? HALEY: His name is Dylan. I might as well just tell him not to come because you guys are just going to embarra** me. CLAIRE: Honey, it's the first time you're having a boy over, I'm bound to be a little surprised, but I'm not going to embarra** you. PHIL: I better charge the camcorder. HALEY: Uggggghhh. PHIL: I'm kidding. Come on. Who are you talking to? 8 INTERVIEW -- PHIL PHIL: I'm the cool dad. That's my thing. I'm hip. I surf the web, I have an iPhone, I know a lot of the dances from "High School Musical." 9 INT. PHIL & CLAIRE'S HOUSE -- PAST Phil demonstrates a dance from "High School Musical" as his horrified kids look on. PHIL (singing): WE'RE ALL IN THIS TOGETHER, YES WE ARE... 10 INT. PHIL & CLAIRE'S HOUSE -- DAY As before. HALEY: You're not going to embarra** me? You guys embarra** me every single day!  CLAIRE: Honey, relax. PHIL: Yeah, take a chill pill, biotch. SFX: DOOR SLAM! ALEX: Mom! Dad! Alex appears in the doorway, holding her arm. ALEX (CONT'D): Luke just shot me! Luke enters carrying an air-soft gun. LUKE I didn't mean to. Annoyed, Haley crosses upstairs. CLAIRE: (to Alex): Are you okay? ALEX: No, the little b**h shot me. LUKE: They're just plastic BB's. It was an accident. CLAIRE (to Phil): What did I tell you would happen if you bought him a gun? PHIL (to Luke): What did I tell you would happen if you shot any animal or any person? LUKE: That you would shoot me. PHIL: That's right! Come on. Let's go. He starts for the backyard. CLAIRE: Are you insane, you're going to shoot him?! He's got a birthday party. CLAIRE (CONT'D): He can't show up with a big hideous welt. You can shoot him later. He'll be home at two. ALEX: Does anyone care about my hideous welt? PHIL: I can't shoot him at two, I'm showing a house then. What about three? Claire checks her calendar. CLAIRE: No, he's got a soccer game at three. We've got to leave for that dinner at five. You can shoot him at four- fifteen. PHIL: Yeah, I guess that works for me. CLAIRE (writing on calendar): Shoot Luke. PHIL (to Luke): Have a good day, sport. 11 EXT. SOCCER FIELD - DAY It is after the soccer game and Gloria and Manny are walking toward their car. Jay lags slightly behind. MANNY: I'm quitting soccer. It is a game for children. GLORIA: You're not quitting. You would have stopped that goal if you were staring at that girl again. MANNY: She is not a girl, she's a woman. GLORIA: Yay, will you talk to him? Jay catches sight of the Dad from earlier.  JAY (under his breath) Jacka**... GLORIA: What? JAY: Not Manny, that Jabroney over there in the blue. He said something to me before I didn't appreciate. GLORIA: What he say? JAY: It doesn't matter. Drop it. They all get into the car. JAY (CONT'D): And by the way, that little blow-up of yours with that other Mom -- why do you always have to do stuff like that? Could you try to remember this is Highland Estates, not Colombia? GLORIA: I don't care where it is, if someone say something about my family -- JAY: I know, the whole hot Latin thing. I'm just saying, it's not a crime to leave some thoughts unexpressed. GLORIA: Like you do, you mean. JAY No, not like -- well yeah, like me. Like a man. A man knows it's not appropriate to go around showing your emotion all the time. MANNY: I want to tell Brenda Feldman I love her. JAY: Oh for Crissakes. GLORIA: Manny, she's sixteen. MANNY: Oh, it's okay for you to take an older lover? JAY: Hey, watch it. MANNY: I want to go now, to the mall where she works. But I need to stop at home first to get my white silk shirt. JAY: Okay, not to be the evil stepdad here, but that's just not a good idea. MANNY: Stop the car. Jay does, and Manny jumps out. GLORIA: Where are you-- But he's gone. JAY: You do realize that's a suicide mission, right? He's 13, he's in a new school, and if he declares his love for a 16 year-old girl while wearing a puffy-sleeved white shirt we're going to be heading down to that school Monday morning with a bolt cutter to get him out of his locker. (then noticing) Oh geez, he's picking flowers.> 12 INTERVIEW -- JAY AND GLORIA GLORIA: Manny is very pa**ionate, like his father. My first husband was very handsome, but too emotional. It seemed like all we ever do was fight and make love, fight and make love. One day, I'm not joking, we fell out the window together. JAY: Which were you doing? (to camera) I'm hearing this for the first time.  13 INT. GROCERY STORE -- DAY Mitchell is shopping while he holds Lily. Cameron approaches with some items. He places a pie into their basket. MITCHELL (re: pie, judgmental): Okay... CAMERON: What? Your family's coming over and everyone likes pie. MITCHELL: Oh, please, you like pie. CAMERON: You like pie. MITCHELL: Not as much as y-- Oh my God, you have blueberry on your fingers. CAMERON: What, we're buying it. 14 INTERVIEW -- CAMERON CAMERON: Yes, Mitchell will be keeping his dental practice and I'll be home full-time, but that does not make me "the wife." Sure, I gained a few pounds while we were expecting the baby, but that was stress. We cut to a shot of Cam hiding in the pantry of their kitchen ravenously eating chocolate, hoping not to get caught. CAMERON (V.O.) (CONT'D): It's perfectly normal. It would be nice if he understood that. 15 INT. GROCERY STORE -- MOMENTS LATER They are now in line at checkout. MITCHELL: This doesn't worry you, that she barely slept on the plane and she's still wide awake? I didn't even think Asian eyes opened that wide. CAMERON: Oh stop worrying.  MITCHELL: Maybe she just can't fall asleep unless she feels a woman's shape. That orphanage was all women. CAMERON: I guess that's possible. Mitchell tries to hand Lily to Cameron. CAMERON (CONT'D): What the hell is that supposed to mean? MITCHELL: I just thought-- CAMERON: What, that I'm more womanly? MITCHELL Now you're sensitive about that? It wasn't a problem on Halloween when you just had to be Sarah Palin and I was stuck all night in that John McCain harness. CAMERON: Is there a particular reason you've been in a b**hy mood all day when this is supposed to be the happiest day of our lives? MITCHELL: I have not been -- They are now at the checkout line and a few customers are behind them including a woman in a wheelchair. WHEELCHAIR WOMAN (amused): Look at that baby with those Twinkies. Mitchell turns on her. MITCHELL Yeah, it's funny isn't it? Hilarious! This baby would have grown up in a crowded orphanage if it weren't for us "twinkies" and I'd think someone like you would have a little sympathy for people who are a little different than --  Cameron slaps him. He has noticed that Lily has grabbed a Hostess Twinkies pack off the nearby display rack and is squishing them. M ITCHELL (CONT'D): What?! Mitchell then takes in the picture of Lily with the Twinkies. CAMERON: We'd like to pay for your cat food. 16 INT. PHIL & CLAIRE'S KITCHEN -- DAY SFX: DOORBELL HALEY (O.S.): Don't answer it. I'll get it. Claire quickly crosses to the door and answers it to find, DYLAN, a very tall and mature seventeen-year-old boy. CLAIRE: Hello, you must be Dylan. DYLAN: Hey. Dylan. Yeah. Haley rushes up and puts herself between Dylan and her mom. HALEY: Hey. Let's go. They head up the stairs. CLAIRE: Hang on. How old are you, Dylan? DYLAN: Seventeen. CLAIRE: Oh. That's, um... Phil enters. CLAIRE (CONT'D): Phil, Dylan's here and he's seventeen. PHIL: Sweet. Let me meet this playa. (offers fist bump) Phil Dunphy, yo. 17 INTERVIEW -- PHIL Phil stares intently into the camera saying nothing. Then:  PHIL: It's like that. You just let the eyes do the work. Your mouth might be saying, "Hey, we cool", but your eyes are saying, "I know what you're here for, and that shiznit is broke." 18 INT. PHIL & CLAIRE'S HOUSE -- DAY Phil is at the bottom of the stairs as Dylan crosses back down to shake hands. Phil starts to put on his "intimidating" face, but as Dylan reaches the ground floor Phil sees that Dylan is several inches taller than he is. DYLAN: Hey, what's up? PHIL: Nu-in, nu-in much. HALEY (hating this): Okay. Never losing eye contact, Phil steps up the first step of the stairs so that now he's a little taller than Dylan. PHIL: So you two have fun today, just make sure you keep it real, know what I mean? DYLAN (looks to Haley): Uh.. HATELY: Dad! PHIL: That's cool. That's-- To be even more intimidating, Phil steps up another step but loses his grip on the banister when it slips in some baby oil left over from freeing Luke. He awkwardly saves himself, but wrenches his back in the process. PHIL (CONT'D): Oh boy. Ohhhh. That's not good. CLAIRE: Honey? You okay? HALEY: Yeah, I'm --- PHIL (CONT'D) (unable to stand): -- no I'm not. 19 INT. PHIL & CLAIRE'S HOUSE -- MOMENTS LATER Dylan carries Phil to the couch, holding him like a baby. CLAIRE: Should I call the doctor? PHIL: No. (to Dylan) You're very strong, Homes. Haley is horrified. END OF ACT TWO  ACT THREE 20 INT. MALL - DAY Jay, Gloria, and Manny are walking through the mall. Jay is still in his track suit. Manny now wears his puffy, white shirt. Manny spots Brenda Feldman, the cute 16 year-old we saw on her bike earlier, at work in Wetzel's Pretzels. MANNY (reverently): Brenda Feldman. JAY: I can't watch this. A saleswoman pa**es, promoting cologne. SALESWOMAN: Panache for Men? JAY (a little annoyed): No. MANNY: I will take some. (as she spritzes him) Thank you. And that is a lovely color on you. SALESWOMAN: Well, aren't you a gentleman? MANNY: Yes. The saleswoman moves off as Manny pulls some folded sheets out of his pocket. GLORIA: What is that? MANNY: A poem I have written for Brenda. JAY: Of course it is. Gloria shoots Jay a steely look. MANNY: I put my thoughts into words, and now my words into action. Manny crosses over to Wetzel's Pretzels. Jay and Gloria watch him go. It's clear Gloria is giving Jay a cold shoulder. JAY: I'll give him one thing, he's got some cahoneys. GLORIA: Please, don't do a torture on my language. She turns away from him. JAY: Look, I know you're upset cause I got a little mad in the car. You want to talk about that? GLORIA: I'm trying to have an unexpressed emotion. JAY: So you're just going to stay mad? GLORIA: I'll just say this: You could learn from Manny. He doesn't keep how he feels inside, and it may not work out for him over there today but it will someday. He's not afraid of how he feels, and women like that. (admiring him) He's like a bullfighter. JAY (struggling with this a little): Okay, I think I got mad in the car because I was bugged about what that guy said to me at the game. He thought I was your Dad. And that's not the first time that's happened, people... thinking I'm too old for you. He looks to Manny. He's reciting his poem now, Brenda holding the flowers Manny has brought. It inspires Jay to go on. JAY (CONT'D): And I guess I'm worried maybe you'll think that too some day. GLORIA (melted by his honesty): How can you think that? I would never! How could I when you're so cute? She hugs and kisses him -- the public affection is a little too much for Jay. JAY: Okay, that's enough of that. GLORIA: And if it bothers you and you want to look a little younger, we can get you some hipper clothes. There's a store right there that-- Manny rejoins them. JAY: Let's not go crazy. I'll be fine. MANNY: She has a boyfriend. GLORIA: I'm sorry, Niño. She hugs him. MANNY: I gave her my heart and she gave me a pretzel dog. (then) That was pretty stupid of me, wasn't it? JAY: You know what, Manny, no it wasn't stupid. It was fantastic. You took a big swing and I respect the hell out of that. C'mon, let's go get some lunch. Anywhere you want to go. They start off, Jay striding briskly. Gloria gives Manny a big hug, which causes them to linger behind a bit. After a short distance, Jay is stopped by a security guard. SECURITY GUARD Excuse me, sir, we ask that all mall- walkers stay to the right. JAY: What? He sees that he is being approached by a large group of senior citizen mall walkers. Many of the men are dressed similarly to Jay. They pa** him. SECURITY GUARD: Thank you sir. The security guard heads off. JAY (to Gloria): I'll meet up with you guys. Jay turns and heads into the funky clothes store as Gloria and Manny continue on their way. 21 INT. MITCHELL & CAMERON'S CONDO -- DAY The front door opens and Mitchell and Cameron enter, carrying Lily, their luggage and the groceries. There is an antique '60s robot in one corner. CAMERON: Tada! Your new home! Isn't it gorgeous, except for that robot -- I hate to break it to you, your other daddy is a big nerd. They exit into Lily's room. 22 INT. LILY'S ROOM -- CONTINUOUS They enter, and Cameron looks up at the ceiling. On it a mural has been painted. It is a heavenly scene, full of clouds. Emerging from one cloud are Cameron and Mitchell painted like angels with wings. CAMERON (gasping): Oh my God, do you love it? MITCHELL: What the hell is it? CAMERON: I had Andre do it while we were gone. Look, that's us. MITCHELL: Yeah, I see. With wings. CAMERON: We're floating above her, always there to protect her.  MITCHELL: Like fairies, you mean. Okay, now I get it. "Yes, we pulled you out of your home in Vietnam, but don't worry, things will be perfectly normal here. Your dads are floating fairies." You know, I really don't need my family ridiculing me over this tonight. Call Andre and have him paint something... less gay. CAMERON: That is not that gay. MITCHELL: A triptych of us having s** would be less gay. CAMERON: You know what? I've put up with this mood of yours all day. What is your deal? MITCHELL: Nothing. CAMERON: See when he looks at the floor, Lily? That's what nerdy daddy does when he's lying. MITCHELL: I never told them, all right? CAMERON: What? MITCHELL: I never told my family we were adopting a baby. CAMERON: Are you kidding me? Why the hell not? MITCHELL: We weren't telling anyone until we knew it was official and then when the agency called last week I had to, you know, pack and -- CAMERON: We left two days later and I packed for you! You wussed out! MITCHELL: Okay fine, my family was going to have a big opinion and I just didn't want to hear it. CAMERON: But it's the ceiling's that's too gay. Mitchell storms off. 23 INT. PHIL & CLAIRE'S KITCHEN -- DAY Claire is at the foot of the stairs. HALEY (O.S.): Alex, get out! Mom! CLAIRE (calling up): Alex, leave your sister alone. Alex enters. ALEX: I was just getting my sweatshirt. CLAIRE: You need to respect their privacy. (then) What are they doing up there? ALEX: Nothing. Lying on her bed watching a movie. CLAIRE (trying to be okay with this): Oh. Oh. Well, good. So, I'm making a cake for tonight, want to help me? ALEX: Can I do the frosting? CLAIRE: Sure, sweetie. Claire begins to tie an apron around Alex. CLAIRE (CONT'D:) Wow, I remember when you used to trip over this thing. They smile at that memory, maybe Claire rubs noses with her.  ALEX: So, if Haley got pregnant, would you ever do one of those weird things where you pretend she has mono for a few months and then tell everyone the baby is yours? CLAIRE: What? ALEX: This senior at school was "out sick" for like four months, but Robby Richman swears he saw her breastfeeding at a California Chicken Cafe. 24 EXT. PHIL & CLAIRE'S BACK YARD -- DAY Phil holds the gun. PHIL: What are you wearing? Reveal Luke wearing three shirts, a big jacket and two hats. LUKE: Nothing. PHIL: Uh-uh. Jacket off. One shirt, one hat. No pain, no gain. Jesus, how many pairs of underwear do you have on? LUKE: Six. 25 INT. PHIL & CLAIRE'S KITCHEN - CONTINUOUS -- DAY Claire and Alex are as before. Claire is looking pretty horrified. ALEX: First of all, it would be really cool to see Haley that fat. And how awesome would it be to have a secret little brother who's really my nephew. CLAIRE: Alex, Haley is not getting pregnant. ALEX: I'm just saying if. One. (then) CLAIRE (trying to hide her panic): But there's no point in saying if. If is what you say when things can happen and this can't happen. (then) I can't believe I have to prove this to you. She rushes out. 26 EXT. PHIL & CLAIRE'S BACK YARD - DAY Luke is down to one layer of clothes. Phil has the gun. PHIL: I want you to know, I'm not enjoying this. But it's an important lesson you're learning. He begins to pace off steps away from the nervous Luke. 27 INT. PHIL & CLAIRE'S HOUSE -DAY -- CONTINUOUS Claire walks up the stairs, matching Phil's pace. 28 EXT. PHIL & CLAIRE'S BACK YARD - DAY -- CONTINUOUS Phil is finishing his paces, then turns. LUKE: You're too close. It's going to hurt. PHIL: It's supposed to. LUKE: Why are you smiling? 29 INT. PHIL & CLAIRE'S HOUSE -DAY -- CONTINUOUS Claire has reached Haley's closed door. She's about to burst in, when she stops and retreats. 30 EXT. PHIL & CLAIRE'S BACK YARD - DAY -- CONTINUOUS Phil has the gun trained on Luke, then: PHIL: Oh, forget it. I can't do this. The point is you're scared, and I think you've learned your lesson just by --  BANG! The gun fires, and Luke yelps. PHIL (CONT'D): Wow. 31 INT. PHIL & CLAIRE'S HOUSE -- CONTINUOUS Claire barrels through Haley's door to find: 32 INT. HALEY'S ROOM - DAY -- CONTINUOUS Haley and Dylan are on her bed, watching a movie on her laptop. They both have Starbucks. HALEY (mortified): Mom! What are you doing? CLAIRE: What am I doing? Seeing if you guys need anything, okay? HALEY: You could knock. CLAIRE: Knock? You knock when you think people are doing something private, which you aren't, obviously, why would you be? Although I think we all read that study this week saying thirty-nine-percent of sixteen-year- olds have had s**ual intercourse. And as long as we're talking, what is with the coffee all the time? Huh? Whatever happened to ice cream? And all the texting and your cell phones glued to your hands, like you're little business-people. Doesn't anyone want to run around and ride bikes and be kids anymore? They look at her stunned. CLAIRE (CONT'D): So did you guys need anything? 33 EXT. PHIL & CLAIRE'S BACK YARD -- DAY Phil is tending to Luke's injury, still holding the gun. LUKE: You hit my bone! PHIL: It was an accident!  HALEY: Dad, you have got to talk to Mom! She is like completely freaking out and embarra**ing me! PHIL: Well honey, your Mom isn't always as cool about things as I am -- Dylan steps outside, joining Haley, and Phil accidentally fires the gun again, hitting him. DYLAN: Owww! He falls to the ground. PHIL: What is with this thing? HALEY: Oh. My. God. END OF ACT THREE  ACT FOUR 34 INTERVIEW -- MITCHELL & CAMERON (THEIR CONDO) They sit waiting for Mitchell's family. Cameron holds Lily. MITCHELL: I've got good reason to be nervous. I'm having flashbacks to when I told my family I was gay. My mom cried for a week and my Dad still does this thing where he announces himself before walking into any room we're in to make sure he doesn't see anything. CAMERON: My parents always knew. My mother says she was in labor with me for twenty-nine hours because I came out of the womb like this: He does a big wide-armed flourish. SFX: DOORBELL MITCHELL: Uggghhhh. I don't know if I can do this. CAMERON: I'm giving you three minutes and then I'm bringing her out. Cameron retreats for Lily's room. Mitchell opens the door to reveal Claire, Phil and the kids. CLAIRE: Hey! MITCHELL: Hey guys! She hands him a bottle of wine. MITCHELL (CONT'D): Oh, thanks. CLAIRE: Don't thank me, just open it. was parking Dad right behind us. JAY: Knock, knock! True to form, Jay both KNOCKS and RINGS THE DOORBELL. JAY: No kissing! We're here. Jay enters with Gloria and Manny. Jay wears ripped jeans, a garish, very colorful jacket and j**eled Ed Hardy hat. Manny wears his white satin shirt. MITCHELL: Don't worry, Dad, nothing gay going on in here. May I take your multi- colored coat and j**eled cap? They all ad-lib greetings. GLORIA (to Mitchell): So how was your trip? MITCHELL: Oh, it was great. But about that, I actually have something I need to tell you guys... ANGLE ON CAM He's just around the corner, holding Lily, waiting for his cue to enter. MITCHELL (CONT'D): We didn't just go there for pleasure... We kind of have some big news. JAY: Oh god. If Cam walks out here with b**bs, I'm leaving. CLAIRE: Dad! HALEY: I hope he didn't embarra** you, Mom. She moves off, with attitude. CLAIRE: That's nothing. She had her first boy over today, I lost it in front of them and then Phil shot him. ANGLE ON CAM Getting impatient, waiting for his cue. MITCHELL: So anyway... about a year ago, Cam and I started feeling this longing for something... more. Haley has joined Manny. MANNY Hello, Haley. You look especially beautiful tonight. GLORIA: Manny! Give it a rest. MITCHELL: Anyway -- PHIL (having noticed her outfit): Wow, that's a beautiful skirt, Gloria. GLORIA: Oh, thank you. It's suede, Pheel. He feels her skirt. PHIL (hearing "feel") Ooh, it's -- Claire slaps his hand away. CLAIRE: Phil! That's how she says "Phil". The lights dim. JAY: What the hell's going on? MUSIC CUE: LION KING "CIRCLE OF LIFE" Everybody turns. Cameron enters holding Lily. In time to the music, he dramatically raises her toward the heavens. They all look at one another, mystified. MITCHELL: We adopted a baby. CLAIRE: What?! MITCHELL: That's why we went to Vietnam. Her name is Lily. GLORIA: Oh my god, look at the little angel! CLAIR: She's yours?! MITCHELL: I know. I can't believe it either. PHIL: Hi, Lily. (TO MITCHELL & CAM) Isn't that going to be tough for her to say? HALEY: She's so cute. ALEX (to Haley): You could totally have one, you know. Cameron brings Lily over to Jay. MITCHELL: So... what do you think, grandpa? Everybody turns to see Jay's reaction. JAY: I gotta admit I never thought I'd get a baby out of you two. (he takes Lily) You're a cute little fortune cookie, aren't ya? (then) Okay. That's wet. Someone take him. MITCHELL: Her, Dad. I'll change her. CLAIRE: Let me help. 35 INT. LILY'S ROOM -- MOMENTS LATER Mitchell and Claire enter and begin changing Lily's diaper. CLAIRE: How could you not say something? MITCHELL: I don't know. Maybe I thought you'd try to talk me out of it.  CLAIRE: I love how you see me as some huge busybody. (pushes him aside, takes over changing the diaper) I mean, yes, it's a huge responsibility, it's gonna put a lot of pressure on you two that you might not be able to handle. What did Mom say? MITCHELL: I haven't told her yet, but that was a good sneak preview. CLAIRE (re: Lily): So what do you know about her parents? MITCHELL: Not much. I just know her mother was sixteen. CLAIRE: Oh, God. Well, she's gorgeous. MITCHELL: Thanks. I just hope... CLAIRE What? MITCHELL: I already love her so much and... it's hard enough for any kid, let alone one with two dads. What if, when she gets older, she's ashamed of us? She hugs him. CLAIRE: Oh honey, don't be ridiculous. You're her parents. Of course she'll be ashamed of you. (then) My kids are mortified by me. Which is pretty ironic considering Haley dresses like a hooker, Alex dresses like a lesbian and... 36 INT. LIVING ROOM -- CONTINUOUS The whole family is now gathered around a baby monitor on a table.  CLAIRE: ...Luke can barely get his shoes on the right feet. And tell me you're not horrified by Dad and that Huggy Bear outfit that Charo out there bought for him. CLAIRE: The point is, Lily is the luckiest little girl in the world, getting you two. So stop worrying. MITCHELL: All right. CLAIRE: Come on, we're all together. Let's go out there and enjoy this. They head back out to the living room. 38 INT. LIVING ROOM -- CONTINUOUS As they enter, everybody stares at them unhappily. MITCHELL: What? FADE TO BLACK. END OF SHOW