Charlie Day - The D.E.N.N.I.S. System Speech lyrics

DENNIS Ladies and gentlemen, the D.E.N.N.I.S system is a comprehensive approach to seduction that I have perfected over the years. See, my success with women does not solely stem from my good looks and my charm. There is a careful systemic approach that has allowed me to become the playboy that I am today. DEE A playboy? Is that how you see yourself? DENNIS Yes. MAC He has banged a lot of chicks. You know, just shut up, Dee, shut up. DENNIS Now, the first step to any erotic conquest is to D: Demonstrate Your Value. In this most recent case, my subject was Kayley, a cute pharmacist. I demonstrated my value to her by filling a prescription. I told her "It's for my grandmother. She's quite ill", thus demonstrating my value as a loving grandson and an all around great guy. DEE You're forging prescriptions now? DENNIS That's the easy part, Dee. FRANK I would've gone in and bought a box of Magnum condoms, thus demonstrating that I have a monster dong. DENNIS Right, that comes off a little bit desperate, Frank, but if you want to have a Magnum condom peeking out of your wallet when you go to pay, that's a different story. Now, let's move on. Once you've demonstrated your value, you are going to want to ASK HER OUT. Once you've asked her out, you move on to E: Engage Physically, I personally try to engage the girl physically without ever going on the date, which to me is really just a waste of time and money. I'll tell her I know this great little restaurant, doesn't take reservations, that makes it sound cool. Makes it sound exclusive. And then when we get to the restaurant, the restaurant is closed, as of course it always is on Sundays. So I'll feign surprised and say something along the lines of "Well, I guess we could grab a pizza and watch a movie at my place" MAC That's where I come in! DEE Oh you're a part of this? DENNIS Oh yeah! Mac has a very special place in my system. MAC Yeah, you see, I'm on the couch when they come in and ask to be alone. Then I say I can't go into my room because "I found a black widow spider in there!" Then Dennis fires back that he wants some privacy, so that they can get to know each other more better. DENNIS Then, I say "Oh, well I guess we could always eat the pizza on my bed and watch the DVD in my room". And once we're on my bed, it is game over. I engage her physically and the s**ual Waltz begins. KAYLEY Pizza's good. DENNIS You're the one that's good. The two lock eyes and embrace in a blaze of fiery eroticism. CHARLIE Smooth, very, very smooth stuff. Very cla**y. I'm learning a lot from you right now, dude. DENNIS Okay. Now, once you've had s** with the woman, she will naturally start depend on you. Okay? All women do this. MAC They certainly do! You got that right! CHARLIE Sex with women. MAC Once you bang 'em -- CHARLIE Like that. DENNIS Right. Right. Which brings me to the first N: Nurturing Dependence, you're gonna want to nurture that dependence that she's feeling on you now, guys. Have her car towed, or you could slash her tires, either way, make her depend on you for rides. Or you can use my personal go-to, which is to create fictional angry neighbor who's threatening her, and tell her you'll take care of him. Hit up a pay phone, so she can't trace the calls back to you, give her a call and say something along the lines of-- DENNIS (ANGRY NEIGHBOR) I'm watching you, you b**h. Your'e gonna DIE TONIGHT! DEE Oh, for Christ's sake, you're a complete sociopath! DENNIS Don't interrupt, okay? Now, if you've completed all the other steps properly up to this point, she'll naturally want to take the relationship to the next level. But you're not gonna do that, you're going to do the exact opposite. Pull back, guys, PULL BACK. Which brings me to the second N: Neglect Emotionally. Stop taking her phone calls. Cancel all your plans. Maybe that fictional angry neighbor that you've simulated comes back, and this time you're not around to cool him off. Phone rings and Kayley picks up. KAYLEY Hello? DENNIS (ANGRY NEIGHBOR) Welcome to HELL! Muhuh mwuha! DENNIS Hahahah ahahuhahaha! This will frighten the sh** out of her, okay? And she'll start getting really mixed up because you're not there to protect her. She'll start questioning her self worth, start questioning her self esteem. And that's the perfect time to I: Inspire Hope. In Kayley's case I went to her window and screamed "Kayley, listen listen! Wait! I wanted to tell you that the reason I was distant is because I was afraid that you were going to break my heart, and I got scared. But, I'm not scared anymore baby! I love you! I need you!*" and then, naturally, we bang. And this is the best bang of all because it's very emotional for her, see, she thinks she's broken through my tough exterior and coerced affection from a man who is afraid to love. And then I slink out into the night, never to talk to her again. MAC Separate Entirely. DENNIS Yes, Mac, that's right. I S: Separate Entirely. D-E-N-N-I-S, the D.E.N.N.I.S. system. That, my friends, is the key to winning any girl's heart.