Carter Deems - Shuffle T vs Carter Deems lyrics

[Round 1: Shuffle-T] Yo I got a gun...huge as sh** Trigger alone is 2 foot 6 It takes 3 hours to load up and shoot the clips I really can't emphasize how huge it is It's too big, you know..stupid big I barely get around to using it It's sort of an impulse buy and that was ludicrous I don't really know what to do with it It's a ha**le I wanna just get rid of it and call it a day You open up my door and it falls in your face I only live in this small little place and this f**ing gun has taken up all of the space The bullets for this gun are like watermelons f** it's actually bigger Most people don't believe until I come and hand them a picture You can't even lift it by like the upper handle and fixture You have to aim it on the ground and sort of rugby tackle the trigger Useless. f**ing. Gun I regret buying it I mean the cash was too much Had to take a second mortgage to afford it, and as if that's not enough The outer plate in it has started showing cracking and rust And now it's at home and it is just gathering dust Incidentally, if anyone wants to buy a gun I can sell you a f**ing giant one [Round 1: Carter Deems] I really like to eat cheese cake {plays URL siren on a handheld speaker} I really like to eat cheese cake I don't care if he hates, I'll eat it til my teeth ache I'm fire to d**h I cremate, I'm all about that cream mate Getting cheddar on the side, I'm the cracker on a cheese plate You're just a cheapskate I bought roller blades from a Goodwill those are cheap skates I got the hottest rhymes I body lines then tear up this square like police tape It'll go down to the wire like what's under his shirt when the police tape My car took its top off like it's spring break I'll jump on a trampoline so hard I'll make the spring break I can take one look at this creep's face and tell that he vapes You like to fill your body with steam grape A popcorn lung is real, that'll make your chest deflate So if you ever feel tempted again you can give me a call even if seems late I'm here for you Except for the hours between 3:00 and 8:00 But from 9:00 to 2:00 we're teammates That means we're on the same exact team, mate We can have long conversations like your problems with vaping But don't worry, we'll take a break for tea, mate But if your team hate, I'll shoot four points then another four That means I give your whole team eight Bullets will be what your team ate You'll never see Shuffle-T become a father That means you'll never see Shuffle-T mate The pistol I'm gripping, leave you with nothing but peripheral vision That means he won't be able to see straight I'll make his teeth break like a Greek plate After a wedding that happens a result of a very successful speed date Time [Round 2: Shuffle-T] Eurgh hit me up for a battle, I knew it was you from the way that he told me He didn't even tag you homie - just sent me the cat emoji You say you'll never know what you'll see that cat man do Well I got bad news - I'm a cat man too You're cat man 1, well I'm cat man 2 Shoutouts for this neat cat tattoo You'll see me on the club you'll think I'm throwing all kinds of stacks Then you'll come closer and see I'm just stroking a tiny cat I'm such a cat person I'll make you look like a dog person, Deems Looking like you love your dog more than Ron Burgundy I campaign for cat's rights and only nocturnally So most Chinese food outlets stopped serving me So you can imagine my surprise a little while ago, I get a knock on the door It's Carter Deems' cat just flopped on the floor Came out to the UK to see me, so I offered support I guess I didn't know what was in store I washed up his paws, trimmed the top of his claws Just taking care of it, that wasn't a chore I asked him why he came out, what was it for? He seemed to imply that he wasn't so sure He was sat on the sofa, I could tell the cat was hungry So I offered him a couple of catnip munchies Seemed kind of anxious, worried, panicked, jumpy Just kept kind of acting funny He said he shouldn't have come, started to pack his buggy He got up, spanned around, I caught him like "that was lucky" I look into his eyes, he looked back and touched me One thing led to another..and I scratched his tummy And he f**ed me I brought him in to meet my 150 cats I snuggled him with a pat and cuddle and kisses in fact I was clutching the kitten and I was rubbing his little back Then I was touching his whiskers, scratching him Hugging and tickles STOP Moral of the story; cats are lovely and cute And you best learn to give them the love that they're due Cause if you don't they'll come and live under my roof And I might just have to fu*k 'EM for you [Round 2: Carter Deems] I'm the Rich Homie Quan of Pokemon Razor scooter that's what I'm rolling on A bad boy, I watch TV while my dad mows the lawn Cause there's no way if I can help it if Oprah's on My garage looks like a Toyotathon I walk to the dealership, drop so many stacks til the Toyotas gone Somebody stole my Star Wars figurine, now my toy Yoda gone I really like t-shirts but I love this bu*ton up {plays the URL siren again} Sorry, the bu*ton's stuck Just kidding this is an iPhone it doesn't have bu*ton's chump I'll give a right hard uppercut to whoever has a side part undercut That die hard gun is tucked I'm ready to roll with the chopper like I'm in the side car buckled up I better knuckle up cause when that coke cake bag it'll leave his whole tummy tuck Keep your eye on the kid like Uncle Buck I don't care if he's brave even the Mighty Duck when they see this knuckle punk My hustle tough 2016 alone I made over a hundred bucks I could win this battle and not mention Shuffle once Cause the cards are stacked against him and I didn't shuffle once Last week I went to a wedding and I did the Cupid Shuffle-once And I didn't even RSVP to save the date Before the bride could take one slice I already ate some cake On a paper plate, then I danced with my three amazing dates to Babyface Blasting out the 808's then we got a quick make out sess' before the DJ played Ace Of Base Now it's time to change the pace Fists coming from both sides like shake and bake Send his body flying like Jake The Snake when he made the table break in Wrestlemania 8 When the bell ring it's Van Helsing cause I raise the stakes When they come face to face you'll face your fate Giving more rounds than the Hateful 8 Then misspell his name on the tombstone just to prove you made a grave mistake There's not a huge difference between a rock and my muscle You're not stopping my hustle I take chances I roll dice like Yahtzee in trouble I drove my boat into a storm and now my yacht seeing trouble This hardly a scuffle I give him those long Tecs like when Rev. Run covers his body in bubbles Then send him spinning the stage like Sonic and Knuckles Don't care if there's a crowd around I just let my bullet get lost in the Shuffle Just kidding, violence is dumb Why would I fight with a knife or a gun? That life isn't fun Besides I don't wanna look back and be ashamed in front of my wife and my son Not saying I live the life of a nun, cause I'm not a woman! But I do wanna open his heart and let my rhymes shine like the sun And I know I'm sounding like a preacher but last year I had five seizures so I'm done biting my tongue Forget that, I grab a gun and hurt him really bad I know they want me to stick to the formula like Similac and rap about kitty cats He thought he knew where my writtens at But I made those disappear like Henna tat [Round 3: Shuffle-T] You're pretty funny Carter You're a comedy splendor But when it comes to relate-ability you're not a contender I bet you show your parents your battles and they don't compliment ever They just go "Oh yeah. Blimey, there's a lot to remember." You know those half compliments people give when they're trying to be incredibly nice to you? Like, "No, it wasn't bad. You know-it's better than I could do." You thought you'd be the weirdest guy in this place I just did a whole round about f**ing your kitten, mate You're about to meet your match like a Tinder date My writtens ace with my great British ways English phrase, if it's great it's an A I'll [?] your cats [?] and tell it to have a nice day I'll tell people buying shoes for you that your size 8 I'll steal your Benz and sell them back to you at a high rate And cover all your step ladders in anti-climb paint I put a cartridge in your back like a fountain pen But apologize after and take it out I guess Your fashion sense is a 3 out of 10 You're more Ralph Wiggum than Ralph Lauren Your IQ is a high two My favorite color is light blue That's the color of my room and it's not quite the right hue My autobiography is a haiku I ride unicycles at drive thru's I couldn't think of angles that I'd use so I started to write like you It isn't hard as can be Carter Deems You'll get hit with my car in the street And there's just a long silence after the beep like an answering machine You're so better the omega, no sweater, just a Superman suit and my clothes dresser So whether it's abroad or at home leisure I'm still a go-getter with low effort, universal appeal Rosetta Stone measures, no pressure Turnip on your plate packed with heat like a ghost pepper Not just a joke teller You stay in your lane so you'll blow never Cause you won't ever grow when there's no where to go See that's the difference between you and me I can do a stand up set at a funeral scene Cause I can write jokes to make the crowd laugh stupidly With the same pen I use to write your eulogy You've been highlighted lately as the future Deems Had a couple good opponents and a few you've beat But you're still considered a joke so that's a useless streak Like running naked through a nudist beach Usually, I do some local references But I haven't really traveled through the town I need to do one in this battle so I have to do it now s**ing up to the audience is a good avenue I've found So I got broads in Atlanta, let's all pander to the crowd [Round 3: Carter Deems] They say the crowd ga**ing me But I don't need that cause I already got gas in me When it comes to getting dates I believe in maybes I know you see me ladies, I'm in the middle son like Peter Brady Listening to the best of Ja Rule in a green Mercedes I got so much bread I don't even need a bakery I've been popping tags since the 90's I own 89 Beanie Babies Right now I'm going commando, that's Green Beret I'll teach him about cla** like PTA Give him three 9's like my GPA Then let that 30 Rock like Tina Fey Yeah that was hard Look, you better listen to what the TV say It'll get graphic like the 3D age When I grip that blam thing broke a Discman Cause you won't see C.D. play I roll up on him like D.B.A When I raise this fan I name my gun Kylo Ren cause I aim that beam three ways You can catch me on the corner doing hard liquor, reaping large paper I would prop my feet up and smoke a cigar later But earlier I ate a lot of cookies and that would make me barf wafers You have a Vape Life tattoo and you love to smoke the orange flavor He thinks smoking an e-cig makes him a bad boy we should call you Darth Vapor I invited a girl over to Netflix and chill, but I just wanted to watch Netflix for real Last week I got a new George Foreman I didn't even need a dentist drill to get a different grill Look, 15 minutes ago I took 35 Benadryl, I'm not even sick or ill I just wanted to feel really chill When I grip that steal I hope you have a written will I send a letter to the Fresh Prince, I've written Will And I know they say that I should directly address my opponent more so "Hey, man. How's it going?" That was pretty easy but I don't wanna go overboard So it's back to the random stuff You know, microwaves, sofas, shorts I got a large microwave and a small couch, that means my sofa's short I know that he's ready to go to war And make the judgement's fly just to prove that he's holding court He'll try to ridicule and start acting rude But to me those are no-no's/nose like Lord Voldemort I did this on my own accord I have nice cars I don't own Accords I never drove a Ford, psssst that's how I open doors What you think I'm rolling for? My old Coupe got no roof like a dog without vocal cords I pull up in that double door Off the top I'm on point like Dumbledor What am I talking to this Muggle for? I'll son you so hard I'll have to cut the cord Then I'll break his back in half, send his disc flying like shuffle board Then visit him in the hospital and read Atlas Shrugged 'til Shuffle bored