Ben Jost - Big Weenie lyrics

[Intro] I don't understand! Why are you being so MEAN? You're a MEAN, MEAN MAN! [Hook] You are just jealous of me cause you, you just can't do what I do So instead of just admitting it, you walk around and say All kinds of really mean things about me Cause you're a meanie, a meanie But it's only cause you're, just really jealous of me Cause I'm what you want to be, so you just look like an idiot When you say these mean things, cause it's too easy to see You're really just a big weenie, big weenie [Verse 1] Alright listen, I need you to focus I need you to go dig deep in your mind, this is important We are going to perform an experiment of the sorts I'm going to have to ask you to bear with me for a moment Now I need you to open, your mind - your eyes close 'em You are now about to be placed under my hypnosis For the next four and a half minutes, we are going to explore Into your mind to find out why you're so f**ing jealous Now why did they make Yoo-Hoo? Pippity ga-ga poo-poo Psych I'm kidding, I just wanted to see if you're still listening Okay, now I need your undivided attention Sir I have a question - why do I always sense this Undeniable tension, from the moment that I enter into the room It gets all quiet and whispers Whenever there's conversation, why am I always mentioned? I've been dying to ask, it's been itching at me, is it just because [Hook] [Verse 2] Alright now I, I just flubbed a line I was going to say something extremely important But I forgot who or what it was - I f**ed up Psych I'm kidding again you idiot, no I didn't That's just what you wanted to hear from me is that I fu*kED up, ain't it? But I can bust one take without looking at no paper It doesn't take a bunch of takes or me to stand here in this booth all day For me to say the truth, okay? You're drooling, you have tooth decay Your mouth is open, you're disgusting, what the f** you eat for lunch? A bunch of sweets or something, what? You munch a bunch of Crunch 'N Munch? Your tooth is rotten to the gum, your breath stinks, wanna chew some gum? Yes I do sir, what am I on? You sir, are on truth serum "Marshall I'm so jealous of you, please say you won't tell nobody I'd be so embarra**ed, I'm just absolutely terrified That someone's gonna find out why I'm saying all these terrible Evil and awful mean things, it's my own insecurities!" [Hook] [Verse 3] Alright now we, we're going to conduct That experiment that we were talking about earlier Just to see what a frog, looks like when it takes two hits of ecstasy Cause that's exactly what your eyes look like, want to check to see? Here's a mirror, notice the resemblance here? Wait, let me put these sungla**es on, now look in this mirror How about now? What do you have in common? You're both green with envy and look like idiots with sungla**es on 'em You look like I sound like, singing about weenies Now take my weenie out of your mouth This is between me and you, I know you're not happy I know you'd much rather see me lying in the corner of a room Somewhere crying, curled up in a ball tweaked out of my mind dying There is no denying that my weenie is much bigger than yours is Mine is like sticking a banana between two oranges Why you even doing this to yourself, it's pointless Why do we have to keep on going through this, this is torturous My point is this - that if you say mean things, your weenie will shrink Now I forgot what the chorus is, you're just a [Hook] Get the f** off my dick!