Ben Jonson - Volpone; Or, The Fox (Act 4 Scene 4.1) lyrics

A STREET. [ENTER SIR POLITICK WOULD-BE AND PEREGRINE.] SIR P I told you, sir, it was a plot: you see What observation is! You mention'd me, For some instructions: I will tell you, sir, (Since we are met here in this height of Venice,) Some few perticulars I have set down, Only for this meridian, fit to be known Of your crude traveller, and they are these. I will not touch, sir, at your phrase, or clothes, For they are old. PER Sir, I have better. SIR P Pardon, I meant, as they are themes. PER O, sir, proceed: I'll slander you no more of wit, good sir. SIR P First, for your garb, it must be grave and serious, Very reserv'd, and lock'd; not tell a secret On any terms, not to your father; scarce A fable, but with caution; make sure choice Both of your company, and discourse; beware You never speak a truth— PER How! SIR P Not to strangers, For those be they you must converse with, most; Others I would not know, sir, but at distance, So as I still might be a saver in them: You shall have tricks else past upon you hourly. And then, for your religion, profess none, But wonder at the diversity, of all: And, for your part, protest, were there no other But simply the laws o' the land, you could content you, Nic. Machiavel, and Monsieur Bodin, both Were of this mind. Then must you learn the use And handling of your silver fork at meals; The metal of your gla**; (these are main matters With your Italian;) and to know the hour When you must eat your melons, and your figs. PER Is that a point of state too? SIR P Here it is, For your Venetian, if he see a man Preposterous in the least, he has him straight; He has; he strips him. I'll acquaint you, sir, I now have lived here, 'tis some fourteen months Within the first week of my landing here, All took me for a citizen of Venice: I knew the forms, so well— PER [ASIDE.]: And nothing else. SIR P I had read Contarene, took me a house, Dealt with my Jews to furnish it with moveables— Well, if I could but find one man, one man To mine own heart, whom I durst trust, I would— PER What, what, sir? SIR P Make him rich; make him a fortune: He should not think again. I would command it. PER As how? SIR P With certain projects that I have; Which I may not discover. PER [ASIDE.]: If I had But one to wager with, I would lay odds now, He tells me instantly. SIR P One is, and that I care not greatly who knows, to serve the state Of Venice with red herrings for three years, And at a certain rate, from Rotterdam, Where I have correspendence. There's a letter, Sent me from one of the states, and to that purpose: He cannot write his name, but that's his mark. PER He's a chandler? SIR P No, a cheesemonger. There are some others too with whom I treat About the same negociation; And I will undertake it: for, 'tis thus. I'll do't with ease, I have cast it all: Your hoy Carries but three men in her, and a boy; And she shall make me three returns a year: So, if there come but one of three, I save, If two, I can defalk:—but this is now, If my main project fail. PER Then you have others? SIR P I should be loth to draw the subtle air Of such a place, without my thousand aims. I'll not dissemble, sir: where'er I come, I love to be considerative; and 'tis true, I have at my free hours thought upon Some certain goods unto the state of Venice, Which I do call "my Cautions;" and, sir, which I mean, in hope of pension, to propound To the Great Council, then unto the Forty, So to the Ten. My means are made already— PER By whom? SIR P Sir, one that, though his place be obscure, Yet he can sway, and they will hear him. He's A commandador. PER What! a common serjeant? SIR P Sir, such as they are, put it in their mouths, What they should say, sometimes; as well as greater: I think I have my notes to shew you— [SEARCHING HIS POCKETS.] PER Good sir. SIR P But you shall swear unto me, on your gentry, Not to anticipate— PER I, sir! SIR P Nor reveal A circumstance—My paper is not with me. PER O, but you can remember, sir. SIR P My first is Concerning tinder-boxes. You must know, No family is here, without its box. Now, sir, it being so portable a thing, Put case, that you or I were ill affected Unto the state, sir; with it in our pockets, Might not I go into the Arsenal, Or you, come out again, and none the wiser? PER Except yourself, sir. SIR P Go to, then. I therefore Advertise to the state, how fit it were, That none but such as were known patriots, Sound lovers of their country, should be suffer'd To enjoy them in their houses; and even those Seal'd at some office, and at such a bigness As might not lurk in pockets. PER Admirable! SIR P My next is, how to enquire, and be resolv'd, By present demonstration, whether a ship, Newly arrived from Soria, or from Any suspected part of all the Levant, Be guilty of the plague: and where they use To lie out forty, fifty days, sometimes, About the Lazaretto, for their trial; I'll save that charge and loss unto the merchant, And in an hour clear the doubt. PER Indeed, sir! SIR P Or—I will lose my labour. PER 'My faith, that's much. SIR P Nay, sir, conceive me. It will cost me in onions, Some thirty livres— PER Which is one pound sterling. SIR P Beside my water-works: for this I do, sir. First, I bring in your ship 'twixt two brick walls; But those the state shall venture: On the one I strain me a fair tarpauling, and in that I stick my onions, cut in halves: the other Is full of loop-holes, out at which I thrust The noses of my bellows; and those bellows I keep, with water-works, in perpetual motion, Which is the easiest matter of a hundred. Now, sir, your onion, which doth naturally Attract the infection, and your bellows blowing The air upon him, will show, instantly, By his changed colour, if there be contagion; Or else remain as fair as at the first. —Now it is known, 'tis nothing. PER You are right, sir. SIR P I would I had my note. PER 'Faith, so would I: But you have done well for once, sir. SIR P Were I false, Or would be made so, I could shew you reasons How I could sell this state now, to the Turk; Spite of their galleys, or their— [EXAMINING HIS PAPERS.] PER Pray you, sir Pol. SIR P I have them not about me. PER That I fear'd. They are there, sir. SIR P No. This is my diary, Wherein I note my actions of the day. PER Pray you let's see, sir. What is here? [READS.] "Notandum, A rat had gnawn my spur-leathers; notwithstanding, I put on new, and did go forth: but first I threw three beans over the threshold. Item, I went and bought two tooth-picks, whereof one I burst immediatly, in a discourse With a Dutch merchant, 'bout ragion del stato. From him I went and paid a moccinigo, For piecing my silk stockings; by the way I cheapen'd sprats; and at St. Mark's I urined." 'Faith, these are politic notes! SIR P Sir, I do slip No action of my life, but thus I quote it. PER Believe me, it is wise! SIR P Nay, sir, read forth. [ENTER, AT A DISTANCE, LADY POLITICK-WOULD BE, NANO, AND TWO WAITING-WOMEN.] LADY P Where should this loose knight be, trow? sure he's housed. NAN Why, then he's fast. LADY P Ay, he plays both with me. I pray you, stay. This heat will do more harm To my complexion, than his heart is worth; (I do not care to hinder, but to take him.) [RUBBING HER CHEEKS.] How it comes off! 1 WOM My master's yonder. LADY P Where? 1 WOM With a young gentleman. LADY P That same's the party; In man's apparel! 'Pray you, sir, jog my knight: I'll be tender to his reputation, However he demerit. SIR P [SEEING HER]: My lady! PER Where? SIR P 'Tis she indeed, sir; you shall know her. She is, Were she not mine, a lady of that merit, For fashion and behaviour; and, for beauty I durst compare— PER It seems you are not jealous, That dare commend her. SIR P Nay, and for discourse— PER Being your wife, she cannot miss that. SIR P [INTRODUCING PER.]: Madam, Here is a gentleman, pray you, use him fairly; He seems a youth, but he is— LADY P None. SIR P Yes, one Has put his face as soon into the world— LADY P You mean, as early? but to-day? SIR P How's this? LADY P Why, in this habit, sir; you apprehend me:— Well, master Would-be, this doth not become you; I had thought the odour, sir, of your good name, Had been more precious to you; that you would not Have done this dire ma**acre on your honour; One of your gravity and rank besides! But knights, I see, care little for the oath They make to ladies; chiefly, their own ladies. SIR P Now by my spurs, the symbol of my knighthood,— PER [ASIDE.]: Lord, how his brain is humbled for an oath! SIR P I reach you not. LADY P Right, sir, your policy May bear it through, thus. [TO PER.] sir, a word with you. I would be loth to contest publicly With any gentlewoman, or to seem Froward, or violent, as the courtier says; It comes too near rusticity in a lady, Which I would shun by all means: and however I may deserve from master Would-be, yet T'have one fair gentlewoman thus be made The unkind instrument to wrong another, And one she knows not, ay, and to persever; In my poor judgment, is not warranted From being a solecism in our s**, If not in manners. PER How is this! SIR P Sweet madam, Come nearer to your aim. LADY P Marry, and will, sir. Since you provoke me with your impudence, And laughter of your light land-syren here, Your Sporus, your hermaphrodite— PER What's here? Poetic fury, and historic storms? SIR P The gentleman, believe it, is of worth, And of our nation. LADY P: Ay, your White-friars nation. Come, I blush for you, master Would-be, I; And am asham'd you should have no more forehead, Than thus to be the patron, or St. George, To a lewd harlot, a base fricatrice, A female devil, in a male outside. SIR P: Nay, And you be such a one, I must bid adieu To your delights. The case appears too liquid. [EXIT.] LADY P: Ay, you may carry't clear, with your state-face!— But for your carnival concupiscence, Who here is fled for liberty of conscience, From furious persecution of the marshal, Her will I dis'ple. PER This is fine, i'faith! And do you use this often? Is this part Of your wit's exercise, 'gainst you have occasion? Madam— LADY P Go to, sir. PER Do you hear me, lady? Why, if your knight have set you to beg shirts, Or to invite me home, you might have done it A nearer way, by far: LADY P This cannot work you Out of my snare. PER Why, am I in it, then? Indeed your husband told me you were fair, And so you are; only your nose inclines, That side that's next the sun, to the queen-apple. LADY P This cannot be endur'd by any patience. [ENTER MOSCA.] MOS What is the matter, madam? LADY P If the Senate Right not my quest in this; I'll protest them To all the world, no aristocracy. MOS What is the injury, lady? LADY P Why, the callet You told me of, here I have ta'en disguised. MOS Who? this! what means your ladyship? the creature I mention'd to you is apprehended now, Before the senate; you shall see her— LADY P Where? MOS I'll bring you to her. This young gentleman, I saw him land this morning at the port. LADY P Is't possible! how has my judgment wander'd? Sir, I must, blushing, say to you, I have err'd; And plead your pardon. PER What, more changes yet! LADY P I hope you have not the malice to remember A gentlewoman's pa**ion. If you stay In Venice here, please you to use me, sir— MOS Will you go, madam? LADY P 'Pray you, sir, use me. In faith, The more you see me, the more I shall conceive You have forgot our quarrel. [EXEUNT LADY WOULD-BE, MOSCA, NANO, AND WAITING-WOMEN.] PER This is rare! Sir Politick Would-be? no; sir Politick Bawd. To bring me thus acquainted with his wife! Well, wise sir Pol, since you have practised thus Upon my freshman-ship, I'll try your salt-head, What proof it is against a counter-plot. [EXIT.]