Ben Jonson - The Staple of News Act 3 Scene 2 lyrics

Peni-boy, jun. P. Canter, Pecunia, Statute, Band, Mortgage, Wax, Broker, Customers. BY your leave Gentlemen, what news? good, good still? I' your new Office? Princess, here's the Staple! This is the Governor, kiss him, noble Princess, For my sake. Thom, how is it honest Thom? How does thy Place, and thou? My Creature, Princess, [He tells Pecunia of Thom. This is my Creature, give him your Hand to kiss, He was my Barber, now he writes Clericus! I bought this Place for him, and gave it him. P. Ca. He should have spoke of that, Sir, and not you: Two do not do one Office well. P. jun. 'Tis true, But I am loth to lose my Curtesies. F. Ca. So are all they that do them to vain ends, And yet you do lose, when you pay your selves P. jun. No more o' your Sentences, Canter, they are stale, We come for News, remember where you are. I pray thee let my Princess hear some News, Good Master Cymbal. Cym. What news would she hear? Or of what kind, Sir? P. jun. Any, any kind, So it be News, the newest that thou hast, Some News of State for a Princess. [News from Rome. Cym. Read from Rome there. Tho. They write, the King of Spain is chosen Pope. P. jun. How? Tho. And Emperor too, the Thirtieth of February. P. jun. Is the Emperor dead? Cym. No, but he has resign'd, [News of the Emperor and Tilly. And trails a Pike now, under Tilly. Fit. For Penance. P. jun. These will beget strange turns in Christendom! Tho. And Spinola is made General of the Jesuits. [News of Spinola. P. jun. Stranger! Fit. Sir, all are alike true and certain. Cym. All the pretence to the Fifth Monarchy [The Fifth Monarchy uniting the Ecclesiastick and Secular Power. Was held but vain, until the Ecclesiastick And Secular Powers were united thus, Both in one Person. Fit. 'T has been long the aim Of the House of Austria. Cym. See but Maximilian [A Plot of the House of Austria. His Letters to the Baron of Bouttersheim, Or Scheiter-huyssen. Fit. No, of Liechtenstein, Lord Paul, I think. P. jun. I have heard of some such thing. [More of Spinola. Don Spinola made General of the Jesuits! A Priest! Cym. O, no, he is dispens'd withal, And the whole Society, who do now appear The only Engineers of Christendom. P. jun. They have been thought so long, and rightly too. Fit. Witness the Engine that they have presented him, To wind himself with, up into the Moon, And thence make all his Discoveries! Cym. Read on. Tho. And Vittellesco, he that was last General, Being now turn'd Cook to the Society, Has drest his Excellence such a Dish of Eggs — [His Eggs. P. jun. What potch'd? Tho. No, powder'd. Cym. All the Yolk is Wild-fire, As he shall need beleaguer no more Towns, But throw his Egg in. Fit. It shall clear consume Palace and Place; demolish and bear down All strengths before it! Cym. Never be extinguish'd, Till all become one ruine! Fit. And from Florence. Tho. They write was found in Galilæo's Study, [Galilæo's Study. A burning Gla** (which they have sent him too) To Fire any Fleet that's out at Sea —— Cym. By Moonshine, is't not so? Tho. Yes, Sir, i' the Water. [The burning Gla** by Moon-shine. P. jun. His strengths will be unresistable, if this hold! Ha' you no News against him on the contrary? Cla. Yes, Sir, they write here, one Cornelius-Son, [The Hollanders Eel. Hath made the Hallanders an invisible Eel, To swim the Haven at Dunkirk, and sink all The Shipping there. P. jun. Why ha' not you this, Thom? Cym. Because be keeps the Pontificial side. [Peni-boy will have him change sides. P. jun. How, change sides, Thom. 'Twas never in my thought To put thee up against our selves. Come down, Quickly. Cym. Why, Sir? P. jun. I venter'd not my Money Upon those Terms: If he may change, why so. I'll ha' him keep his own side, sure. Fit. Why, let him, 'Tis but writing so much over again. P. jun. For that I'll bear the charge: There's two Pieces, Fit. Come, do not stick with the Gentleman. Cym. I'll take none, Sir. And yet he shall ha' the Place. [Though he pay for it. P. jun. They shall be Ten then, Up Thom: and th' Office shall take 'em. Keep your side, Thom. Know your own side, do not forsake your side, Thom. Cym. Read. Tho. They write here one Cornelius-Son, Hath made the Hollanders an invisible Eel, To swim the Haven at Dunkirk, and sink all The shipping there. P. jun. But how is't done? Cym. I'll shew you, Sir. It is an Automa, runs under Water, With a snug Nose, and has a nimble Tail Made like an Auger, with which Tail she wrigles Betwixt the Coasts of a Ship, and sinks it streight. P. jun. Whence ha' you this News. Fit. From a right Hand I a**ure you, The Eel Boats here, that lye before Queen-Hythe, Came out of Holland. P. jun. A most brave Device, To murder their flat bottoms. Fit. I do grant you: But what if Spinola have a new Project: [Spinola's new Project; an Army in Cork-shooes. To bring an Army over in Cork-shooes, And land them here at Harwich? all his Horse Are shod with Cork, and fourscore Pieces of Ordinance, Mounted upon Cork-carriages, with Bladders In stead of Wheels to run the Pa**age over At a Spring-tide. P. jun. Is't true? Fit. As true as the rest. P. jun. He'll never leave his Engines: I would hear now Some curious News. Cym. As what? P. jun. Magick or Alchimy, Or flying i' the Air, I care not what. Cla. They write from Libtzig (Reverence to your Ears) The Art of drawing Farts out of dead Bodies, [Extraction of Farts. Is by the Brotherhood of the Rosie Cross, Produc'd unto Perfection, in so sweet And rich a Tincture — Fit. As there is no Princess, But may perfume her Chamber with th' Extraction. P. jun. There's for you, Princess. P. Ca. What, a Fart for her? P. jun. I mean the Spirit. P. Ca. Beware how whe resents it. P. jun. And what hast thou, Thom? Tho. The perpetual Motion, [The perpetual Motion. Is here found out by an Ale-wife in Saint Katherines, At the Sign o' the dancing Bears. P. jun. What, from her Tap? I'll go see that, or else I'll send old Canter. He can make that discovery. P. Ca. Yes, in Ale. P. jun. Let me have all this News, made up, and seal'd. Reg. The People press upon us. Please you, Sir, Withdraw with your fair Princess. There's a Room [The Register offers him a Room. Within, Sir, to retire too. P. jun. No, good Register, We'll stand it out here, and observe your Office; [The Office call'd the House of Fame. What News it issues. Reg. 'Tis the House of Fame, Sir, Where both the Curious and the Negligent; The Scrupulous and Careless; Wild and Stay'd; The Idle and Laborious; all do meet, To taste the Cornu copiæ of her Rumors, Which she, the Mother of Sport, pleaseth to scatter Among the vulgar: Baits, Sir, for the People! And they will bite like Fishes. P. jun. Let's see't. Dop. Ha' you in your profane Shop, any News. [1. Cust. A she Baptist. O' the Saints at Amsterdam? Reg. Yes, how much would you? Dop. Six Penny worth. Reg. Lay your Money down, read Thomas. Dop. The Saints do write, they expect a Prophet, shortly, [Prophet Baal expected in Holland. The Prophet Baal, to be sent over to them, To calculate a Time, and half a Time, And the whole Time, according to Naometry. P. jun. What's that? Tho. The measuring o' the Temple: a Cabal Found out but lately, and set out by Archie, [Archie mourn'd then. Or some such Head, of whose long Coat they have heard, And being black, desire it. Dop. Peace be with them! Reg. So there had need, for they are still by the Ears One with another. Dop. It is their Zeal. Reg. Most likely. Dop. Have you no other of that species? Reg. Yes, But dearer, it will cost you a Shilling. Dop. Verily, There is a Nine-pence, I will shed no more. Reg. Not to the good o' the Saints? Dop. I am not sure, That Man is good. Reg. Read, from Constantinople, Nine penny'orth. Tho. They give out here, the Grand Signior [The great Turk turn'd Christian. Is certainly turn'd Christian, and to clear The Controversie 'twixt the Pope and him, Which is the Antichrist; he means to visit The Church at Amsterdam, this very Summer, And quit all Marks o' the Beast. Dop. Now joyful Tydings. Who brought in this? Which Emissary? Reg. Buz. Your Country man. Dop. Now, blessed be the Man, And his whole Family, with the Nation. Reg. Yes, for Amboyna, and the Justice there! This is a Doper, a she Anabaptist! Seal and deliver her her News, dispatch. C. 2. Ha' you any News from the Indies? any Miracle [2. Cust. Done in Japan by the Jesuites? or in China? Cla. No, but we hear of a Colony of Cooks Cannibals. [A Colony of Cooks sent over to convert the To be set a shore o' the Coast of America, For the conversion of the Caniballs, And making them good eating Christians. Here comes the Colonel that undertakes it. C. 3. Who? Captain Lickfinger? [3. Cust. by Colonel Lickfinger. Lic. News, news my Boys! I am to furnish a great Feast to day, And I would have what News the Office affords. Cla. We were venting some of you, of your new project. Reg. Afore 'twas paid for, you were somewhat too hasty. P. jun. What Lickfinger! wilt thou convert the Caniballs, With Spit and Pan Divinity? Lic. Sir, for that I will not urge, but for the Fire and Zeal To the true Cause; thus I have undertaken: With two Lay-brethren, to my self, no more, One o' the broach, th' other o' the boyler, In one six Months, and by plain Cookery, No Magick to't, but old Japhets Physick, The Father of the Europæan Arts, Yo make such Sauces for the Savages, And Cooks their Meats, with those inticing Steems, As it would make our Canibal-Christians Forbear the mutual eating one another, Which they do do, more cunningly, then the wild Anthropophagi, that snatch only strangers, Like my old Patrons Dogs there. P. jun. O, my Uncles! Is Dinner ready, Lickfinger? Lic. When you please, Sir. I was bespeaking but a Parcel of News, To strew out the long Meal withal, but't seems You are furnish'd here already. P. jun. O, not half! Lic. What Court-news is there? any Proclamations, Or Edicts to come forth? Tho. Yes, there is one? That the Kings Barber has got, for aid of our Trade: Whereof there is a manifest decay. A Precept for the wearing of long Hair, [To let long Hair run to Seed, to sow bald pates. To run to Seed, to sow bald Pates withal, And the preserving fruitful Heads, and Chins, To help a Mystery almost antiquated. Such as are bald and barren beyond hope, Are to be separated and set by For Ushers to old Countesses. Lic. And Coachmen, To mount their Boxes reverently, and drive, Like Lapwings, with a Shell upo' their Heads, Thorow the Streets. Ha' you no News o' the Stage? They'll ask me about new Plays at Dinner time. And I should be as dumb as a Fish. Tho. O! yes, There is a Legacy left to the King's Players, [Spalato's Legacy to the Players. Both for their various shifting of their Scene, And dext'rous change of their Persons to all shapes, And all disguises: by the Right Reverend Archbishop of Spalato. Lic. He is dead that play'd him! Tho. Then h' has lost his share o' the Legacy. Lic. What news of Gundomar? Tho. A second Fistula, [Gundomar's use of the Game at Chess, or Play so called. Or an Excoriation (at least) For putting the poor English play, was writ of him, To such a sordid use, as (is said) he did, Of cleansing his Posterior's. Lic. Justice! Justice! Tho. Since when, he lives Condemn'd to his share at Bruxels, And there sits filing certain politick Hinges, To hang the States on, h' has heav'd off the Hooks. Lic. What must you have for these? P. jun. Thou shalt pay nothing, But reckon 'em 'i the Bill. There's twenty Pieces, [He gives Twenty pieces to the Office. Her Grace bestows upon the Office, Thom: VVrite thou that down for News. Reg. We may well do't, We have not many such. P. jun. There's Twenty more, [Doubles it. If you say so; my Princess is a Princess! And put that too, under the Office Seal. [Cym. takes Pecunia aside, courts and woos her to the Office. Cym. If it will please your Grace to sojourn here, And take my Roof for covert, you shall know The Rites belonging to your Blood and Birth, Which few can apprehend: these sordid Servants, Which rather are your Keepers, then Attendants, Should not come near your Presence. I would have You waited on by Ladies, and your Train Born up by Persons of Quality and Honour; Your Meat should be serv'd in with curious Dances, And set upon the Board with Virgin hands, Tun'd to their Voices; not a Dish remov'd, But to the Musick, nor a drop of Wine, Mixt with his Water, without Harmony. Pec. You are a Courtier, Sir, or somewhat more? That have this tempting Language! Cym. I'm your Servant, Excellent Princess, and would ha' you appear That which you are. Come forth State, and wonder, Of these our Times, dazle the vulgar Eyes, And strike the People blind with admiration. P. Can. Why, that's the end of Wealth! thrust Riches outward, And remain Beggers within: contemplate nothing But the vile sordid things of Time, Place, Money, And let the Noble and the Precious go; Vertue and Honesty, hang 'em; poor thin Membranes Of Honour; who respects them? O, the Fates! How hath all just true Reputation fall'n, Since Money, this base Money 'gan to have any! [Fitton hath been courting the Waiting-women, this while, and is jeered by them. Ban. Pitty the Gentleman is not Immortal. Wax. As he gives out, the Place is by description. Fit. A very Paradise, if you saw all, Lady. Wax. I am the Chamber-maid, Sir, you mistake, My Lady may see all. Fit. Sweet Mistris Statute, gentle Mistris Band, And Mother Mortgage, do but get her Grace To sojourn here. — Pic. I thank you gentle Wax. Mor. If it were a Chattel, I would try my Credit. Pic. So it is, for Term of Life, we count it so. Sta. She means Inheritance to him and his Heirs: Or that he could a**ure a State of years: I'll be his Statute-Staple, Statute-Merchant, Or what he please. Pic. He can expect no more. Ban. His Cousin, Alderman Security, That he did talk of so, e'en now — Sta. Who is The very Broch o' the Bench, Gem o' the City. Ban. He and his Deputy, but a**ure his Life For one Seven years. Sta. And see what we'll do for him, Upon his Scarlet Motion. Ban. And old Chain, That draws the City-ears. Wax. When he says nothing, But twirls it thus. Sta. A moving Oratory! Ban. Dumb Rhetorick and silent Eloquence! As the fine Poet says! Fit. Come, they all scorn us, Do you not see't? the Family of scorn! Bro. Do not believe him! gentle Master Picklock, They understood you not: the Gentlewomen, They thought you would ha' my Lady sojourn with you, And you desire but now and then a Visit? Pic. Yes, if she pleas'd, Sir, it would much advance Unto the Office her continual Residence! (I speak but as a Member.) Bro. 'Tis enough. I apprehend you. And it shall go hard, But I'll so work, as some body shall work her! Pic. 'Pray you change with our Master, but a word about it. P. jun. Well, Lickfinger, see that our Meat be ready, Thou hast News enough. Lic. Something of Bethlem Gabor, And then I'm gone. Tho. We hear he has devis'd A Drum, to fill all Christendom with the sound: [Bethlem Gabor's Drum. But that he cannot draw his Forces near it, To march yet, for the violence of the noise. And therefore he is fain by a design, To carry 'em in the Air, and at some distance, Till he be married, then they shall appear. Lic. Or never; well, God b' wi' you (stay, who's here?) A little of the Duke of Bavier, and then — [The Duke of Bavier. Cla. 'H' has taken a gray Habit, and is turn'd The Churches Miller, grinds the Catholick Grist With every Wind: and Tilly takes the Toll. Cus. 4. Ha' you any news o' the Pageants to send down [4. Cust. The Pageants. Into the several Counties? All the Country Expected from the City most brave Speeches, Now, at the Coronation. Lic. It expected More than it understood: for they stand mute, Poor innocent dumb things; they are but Wood, As is the Bench and Blocks, they were wrought on; yet If May-day come, and the Sun shine, perhaps, They'll sing like Memnon's Statue, and be vocal. Cus. 5. Ha' you any Forrest-news? [5. Cust. The new Park in the Forrest of Fools. Tho. None very wild, Sir, Some tame there is, out o' the Forrest of Fools, A new Park is a making there, to sever Cuckolds of Antler, from the Raskals. Such Whose Wives are dead, and have since cast their Heads, Shall remain Cuckolds-pollard. Lic. I'll ha' that news. Cus. 1. And I. 2. And I. 3. And I. 4. And I. 5. And I. [Peni-boy would invite the Master of the Office. Cym. Sir, I desire to be excus'd; and, Madam, I cannot leave my Office the first day. My Cousin Fitton here, shall wait upon you, And Emissary Picklock. P. jun. And Thom. Clericus? Cym. I cannot spare him yet, but he shall follow you, When they have ordered the Rolls. Shut up th' Office, When you ha' done, 'till two a Clock.