Ben Jonson - Every Man In His Humour (Act 4) lyrics

SCENE I—-A Room in KITELY'S House. Enter DOWNRIGTIT and Dame KITELY. DOW Well, sister, I tell you true; and you'll find it so in the End. DAME K Alas, brother, what would you have me to do? I cannot help It; you see my brother brings them in here; they are his friends. DOW His friends! his fiends. 'Slud! they do nothing but haunt him Up and down like a sort of unlucky spirits, and tempt him to all Manner of villainy that can be thought of. Well, by this light, a Little thing would make me play the devil with some of them: an 'twere not more for your husband's sake than anything else, I'd Make the house too hot for the best on 'em; they should say, and Swear, hell were broken loose, ere they went hence. But, by God's Will, 'tis nobody's fault but yours; for an you had done as you Might have done, they should have been parboiled, and baked too, Every mother's son, ere they should have come in, e'er a one of Them. DAME K God's my life! did you ever hear the like? what a strange Man is this! Could I keep out all them, think you? I should put Myself against half a dozen men, should I? Good faith, you'd mad The patien'st body in the world; to hear you talk so, without any Sense or reason. Enter Mistress BRIDGET, Master MATHEW, and BOBADILL; Followed, at a distance, by WELLBRED, E. KNOWELL, STEPHEN, and BRAINWORM. BRID Servant, in troth you are too prodigal Of your wit's treasure, thus fu pour it forth Upon so mean a subject as my worth. MAT You say well, mistress, and I mean as well. DOW Hoy-day, here is stuff! WEL O, now stand close; pray Heaven, she can get him to read! he Should do it of his own natural impudency. BRID Servant, what is this same, I pray you? MAT Marry, an elegy, an elegy, an odd toy— DOW To mock an ape withal! O, I could sew up his mouth, now. DAME K Sister, I pray you let's hear it. DOW Are you rhyme-given too? MAT Mistress, I'll read it if you please. BRID Pray you do, servant. DOW O, here's no foppery! d**h! I can endure the stocks better. KNOW What ails thy brother? can he not hold his water at Reading of a ballad? WEL O, no; a rhyme fu him is worse than cheese, or a bag-pipe; but Mark; you lose the protestation. MAT Faith, I did it in a humour; I know not how it is; but please You come near, sir. This gentleman has judgment, he knows how to Censure of a—pray you, sir, you can judge? STEP Not I, sir; upon my reputation, and by the foot of Pharaoh! WEL O, chide your cousin for swearing. KNOW Not I, so long as he does not forswear himself. WEL Master Mathew, you abuse the expectation of your dear Mistress, and her fair sister: fie! while you live avoid this Prolixity. MAT I shall, sir, well; incipere dulce KNOW How, insipere duke! a sweet thing to be a fool, indeed! WEL What, do you take incipere in: that sense? KNOW You do not, you! This was your villainy, to gull him with A motte. WEL O, the benchers' phrase: pauca verba, pauca verba! MAT Rare creature, let me speak without offence, Would God my rude words had the influence To rule thy thoughts, as thy fair looks do mine, Then shouldst thou be his prisoner, who is thine. KNOW This is Hero and Leander. WEL O, ay: peace, we shall have more of this. MAT Be not unkind and fair: misshapen stuff Is of behaviour boisterous and rough. WEL How like you that, sir? [Master Stephen shakes his head]. KNOW 'Slight, he shakes his head like a bottle, to feel an there Be any brain in it. MAT But observe the catastrophe, now: And I in duty will exceed all other, As you in beauty do excel Love's mother. KNOW Well, I'll have him free of the wit-brokers, for he Utters nothing but stolen remnants. WEL O, forgive it him. KNOW A filching rogue, hang him!—-and from the dead! it's Worse than sacrilege. WELLBRED, KNOWELL, and Master STEPHEN, come forward. WEL Sister, what have you here, verses? pray you let's see: who Made these verses? they are excellent good. MAT O, Master Wellbred, 'tis your disposition to say so, sir. They Were good in the morning: I made them ex tempore this morning. WEL How! ex tempore? MAT Ay, would I might be hanged else; ask Captain Bobadill: he saw Me write them, at the—pox on it!—the Star, yonder. BRAI Can he find in his heart to curse the stars so? KNOW Faith, his are even with him; they have curst him enough Already. STEP Cousin, how do you like this gentleman's verses? KNOW O, admirable! the best that ever I heard, coz. STEP Body O' Caesar, they are admirable! the best that I ever Heard, as I am a soldier! Re-enter DOWNRIGHT. DOW I am vext, I can hold ne'er a bone of me still: 'Heart, I Think they mean to build and breed here. WET Sister, you have a simple servant here, that crowns your Beauty with such encomiums and devices; you may see what it is to Be the mistress of a wit, that can make your perfections so Transparent, that every blear eye may look through them, and see Him drowned over head and ears in the deep well of desire: Sister KITELY I marvel you get you not a servant that can rhyme, and do Tricks too. DOW O monster! impudence itself! tricks! DAME K. Tricks, brother! what tricks? BRID Nay, speak, I pray you what tricks? DAME K. Ay, never spare any body here; but say, what tricks. BRID Pa**ion of my heart, do tricks! WEL 'Slight, here's a trick vied and revied! Why, you monkeys, You, what a cater-wauling do you keep! has he not given you rhymes And verses and tricks? DOW O, the fiend! WEL Nay, you lamp of virginity, that take it in snuff so, come, And cherish this tame poetical fury in your servant; you'll be Begg'd else shortly for a concealment: go to, reward his muse. You Cannot give him less than a shilling in conscience, for the book he Had it out of cost him a teston at least. How now, gallants! Master Mathew! Captain! what, all sons of silence, no spirit? DOW Come, you might practise your ruffian tricks somewhere else, And not here, I wuss; this is no tavern or drinking-school, to vent Your exploits in. WEL How now; whose cow has calved? DOW Marry, that has mine, sir. Nay, boy, never look askance at me for the matter; I'll tell you of It, I, sir; you and your companions mend yourselves when I have Done. WEL My companions! DOW Yes, sir, your companions, so I say; I am not afraid of you, Nor them neither; your hang-byes here. You must have your poets and Your potlings, your soldados and foolados to follow you up and down The city; and here they must come to domineer and swagger. Sirrah, You ballad-singer, and slops your fellow there, get you out, get You home; or by this steel, I'll cut off your ears, and that Presently. WEL 'Slight, stay, let's see what he dare do; cut off his ears! Cut a whetstone. You are an a**, do you see; touch any man here, And by this hand I'll run my rapier to the hilts in you. DOW Yea, that would I fain see, boy. [They all draw]. DAME K. O Jesu! murder! Thomas! Gasper! BRID Help, help! Thomas! Enter CASH and some of the house to part them. KNOW Gentlemen, forbear, I pray' you. BOB Well, sirrah, you Holofernes; by my hand, I will pink your Flesh full of holes with my rapier for this; I will, by this good Heaven! nay, let him come, let him come, gentlemen; by the body of St. George, I'll not k** him. [Offer to fight again, and are parted]. GASH Hold, hold, good gentlemen. Dow. You who*eson, bragging Coystril! Enter KITELY. KIT Why, how now! what's the matter, what's the stir here? Whence springs the quarrel? Thomas! where is he? Put up your weapons, and put off this rage: My wife and sister, they are the cause of this. What, Thomas! where is the knave? GASH Here, sir. WEL Come, let's go: this is one of my brother's ancient humours, This. STEP I am glad nobody was hurt by his ancient humour. [Exeunt Wellbred, Stephen, E. Knowell, Bobadill, and Brainworm]. KIT Why, how now, brother, who enforced this brawl? DOW A sort of lewd rake-hells, that care neither for God nor the Devil And they must come here to read ballads, and roguery, and Trash! I'll mar the knot of 'em ere I sleep, perhaps; especially Bob there, he that's all manner of shapes: and songs and sonnets, His fellow. BRID Brother, indeed you are too violent, Too sudden in your humour: and you know My brother Wellbred's temper will not bear Any reproof, chiefly in such a presence, Where every slight disgrace he should receive Might wound him in opinion and respect. DOW Respect! what talk you of respect among such, as have no spark Of manhood, nor good manners? 'Sdeins, I am ashamed to hear you'! Respect! BRID Yes, there was one a civil gentleman, And very worthily demeaned himself. KIT O, that was some love of yours, sister. BRID A love of mine! I would it were no worse, brother; You'd pay my portion sooner than you think for. DAME K. Indeed he seem'd to be a gentleman of a very exceeding Fair disposition, and of excellent good parts. KIT Her love, by heaven! my wife's minion. Fair disposition! excellent good parts! d**h! these phrases are intolerable. Good parts! how should she know his parts? His parts! Well, well, well, well, well, well; It is too plain, too clear: Thomas, come hither. What, are they gone? CASH Ay, sir, they went in. My mistress and your sister— KIT Are any of the gallants within? CASH No, sir, they are all gone. KIT Art thou sure of it—-? CASH I can a**ure you, sir. KIT What gentleman was that they praised so, Thomas? CASH One, they call him Master Knowell, a handsome young Gentleman, sir. KIT Ay, I thought so; my mind gave me as much: I'll die, but they have hid him in the house, Somewhere, I'll go and search; go with me, Thomas: Be true to me, and thou shalt find me a master. SCENE II.—-The Lane before COB'S House. COB [Knocks at the door.] What, Tib! Tib, I say! TIB [Within.] How now, what cuckold is that knocks so hard? Enter Tib. O, husband! is it you? What's the news? COB Nay, you have stunn'd me, i'faith; you have, given me a Knock O' the forehead will stick by me. Cuckold! 'Slid, cuckold! TIB Away, you fool! did I know it was you that knocked? Come, come, you may call me as bad when you list. COB May I? Tib, you are a who*e. TIB You lie in your throat, husband. COB How, the lie! and in my throat tool do you long to be Stabb'd, ha? TIB Why, you are no soldier, I hope. COB O, must you be stabbed by a soldier? Ma**, that's true! when Was Bobadill here, your captain? that rogue, that foist, that Fencing Burgullion? I'll tickle him, i'faith. TIB Why, what's the matter, trow? COB O, he has basted me rarely, sumptuously! but I have it here in Black and white, [pulls out the warrant.] for his black and blue Shall pay him. O, the justice, the honestest old brave Trojan in London; I do honour the very flea of his dog. A plague on him, Though, he put me once in a villanous filthy fear; marry, it Vanished away like the smoke of tobacco; but I was smoked soundly First. I thank the devil, and his good angel, my guest. Well, wife, Or Tib, which you will, get you in, and lock the door; I charge you Let nobody in to you, wife; nobody in to you; those are my words: Not Captain Bob himself, nor the fiend in his likeness. You are a Woman, you have flesh and blood enough in you to be tempted; Therefore keep the door shut upon all comers. TIB I warrant you, there shall nobody enter here without my Consent. COB Nor with your consent, sweet Tib; and so I leave you. TIB It's more than you know, whether you leave me so. COB How? TIB Why, sweet. COB Tut, sweet or sour, thou art a flower. Keep close thy door, I ask no more. SCENE III.-A Room in the Windmill Tavern. Enter KNOWELL, WELLBRED, STEPHEN, and BRAINWORM, Disguised as before. KNOW Well, Brainworm, perform this business happily, and thou Makest a purchase of my love for ever. WEL I'faith, now let thy spirits use their best faculties: but, at Any hand, remember the message to my brother; for there's no other Means to start him. BRAI I warrant you, sir; fear nothing; I have a nimble soul has Waked all forces of my phant'sie by this time, and put them in true Motion. What you have possest me withal, I'll discharge it amply, Sir; make it no question. WEL Forth, and prosper, Brainworm. Faith, Ned, how dost thou Approve of my abilities in this device? KNOW Troth, well, howsoever; but it will come excellent if it Take. WEL Take, man! why it cannot choose but take, if the circumstances Miscarry not: but, tell me ingenuously, dost thou affect my sister Bridget as thou pretend'st? KNOW Friend, am I worth belief? WEL Come, do not protest. In faith, she is a maid of good Ornament, and much modesty; and, except I conceived very worthily Of her, thou should'st not have her. KNOW Nay, that I am afraid, will be a question yet, whether I Shall have her, or no. WEL 'Slid, thou shalt have her; by this light thou shalt. KNOW Nay, do not swear. WEL By this hand thou shalt have her; I'll go fetch her presently. 'Point but where to meet, and as I am an honest man I'll bring her. KNOW Hold, hold, be temperate. WEL Why, by—what shall I swear by? thou shalt have her, as I am— KNOW Praythee, be at peace, I am satisfied; and do believe thou Wilt omit no offered occasion to make my desires complete. WEL Thou shalt see, and know, I will not. SCENE IV.-The Old Jewry. Enter FORMAL and KNOWELL. FORM Was your man a soldier, sir? KNOW Ay, a knave I took him begging O' the way, this morning, As I came over Moorfields. BRAINWORM Disguised as before. O, here he is!—-you've made fair speed, believe me, Where, in the name of sloth, could you be thus? BRAI Marry, peace be my comfort, where I thought I should have Had little comfort of your worship's service. KNOW How so? BRAI O, sir, your coming to the city, your entertainment of me, And your sending me to watch—-indeed all the circumstances either Of your charge, or my employment, are as open to your son, as to Yourself. KNOW How should that be, unless that villain, Brainworm, Have told him of the letter, and discover'd All that I strictly charg'd him to conceal? 'Tis so. BRAI I am partly O' the faith, 'tis so, indeed. KNOW But, how should he know thee to be my man? BRAI Nay, sir, I cannot tell; unless it be by the black art. Is Not your son a scholar, sir? KNOW Yes, but I hope his soul is not allied Unto such hellish practice: if it were, I had just cause to weep my part in him, And curse the time of his creation. But, where didst thou find them, Fitz-Sword? BRAI You should rather ask where they found me, sir; for I'll Be sworn, I was going along in the street, thinking nothing, when, Of a sudden, a voice calls, Mr. Knowell's man! another cries, Soldier! and thus half a dozen of them, till they had call'd me Within a house, where I no sooner came, but they seem'd men, and Out flew all their rapiers at my bosom, with some three or four Score oaths to accompany them; and all to tell me, I was but a Dead man, if I did not confess where you were, and how I was Employed, and about what; which when they could not get out of Me, (as, I protest, they must have dissected, and made an anatomy Of me first, and so I told them,) they lock'd me up into a room In the top of a high house, whence by great miracle (having a Light heart) I slid down by a bottom of packthread into the Street, and so 'scaped. But, sir, thus much I can a**ure you, For I heard it while I was lock'd up, there were a great many Rich merchants and brave citizens' wives with them at a feast; And your son, master Edward, withdrew with one of them, and has 'pointed to meet her anon at one Cob's house a water-bearer That dwells by the Wall. Now, there your worship shall be sure To take him, for there he preys, and fail he will not. KNOW Nor will I fail to break his match, I doubt not. Go thoualong with justice Clement's man, And stay there for me. At one Cob's house, say'st thou? BRAI Ay, sir, there you shall have him. [Exit Knowell.] Yes— Invisible! Much wench, or much son! 'Slight, when he has staid There three or four hours, travailing with the expectation of Wonders, and at length be deliver'd of air! O the sport that I Should then take to look on him, if I durst! But now, I mean to Appear no more afore him in this shape: I have another trick to act Yet. O that I were so happy as to light on a nupson now of this Justice's novice!—Sir, I make you stay somewhat long. FORM Not a whit, sir. Pray you what do you mean, sir? BRAI I was putting up some papers. FORM You have been lately in the wars, sir, it seems. BRAI Marry have I, sir, to my loss, and expense of all, almost. FORM Troth, sir, I would be glad to bestow a bottle of wine on You, if it please you to accept it— BRAI O, sir FORM But to hear the manner of your services, and your devices in The wars; they say they be very strange, and not like those a man Reads in the Roman histories, or sees at Mile-end. BRAI No, I a**ure you, sir; why at any time when it please you, I Shall be ready to discourse to you all I know;—and more too Somewhat. FORM No better time than now, sir; we'll go to the Windmill: there We shall have a cup of neat grist, we call it. I pray you, sir, let Me request you to the Windmill. BRAI I'll follow you, sir;—and make grist of you, if I have good Luck. SCENE V.-Moorfields. Enter MATHEW, E. KNOWELL, BOBADILL, and STEPHEN. MAT Sir, did your eyes ever taste the like clown of him where we Were to-day, Mr. Wellbred's half-brother? I think the whole earth Cannot shew his parallel, by this daylight. KNOW We were now speaking of him: captain Bobadill tells me he Is fallen foul of you too. MAT O, ay, sir, he threatened me with the bastinado. BOB Ay, but I think, I taught you prevention this morning, for That: You shall k** him beyond question; if you be so generously Minded. MAT Indeed, it is a most excellent trick. BOB O, you do not give spirit enough to your motion, you are too Tardy, too heavy! O, it must be done like lightning, hay! MAT Rare, captain! BOB Tut! 'tis nothing, an't be not done in a—punto. KNOW Captain, did you ever prove yourself upon any of our masters of Defence here? MAT O good sir! yes, I hope he has. BOB I will tell you, sir. Upon my first coming to the city, after My long travel for knowledge, in that mystery only, there came Three or four of them to me, at a gentleman's house, where it was My chance to be resident at that time, to intreat my presence at Their schools: and withal so much importuned me, that I protest to You, as I am a gentleman, I was ashamed of their rude demeanour out Of all measure: Well, I told them that to come to a public school, They should pardon me, it was opposite, in diameter, to my humour; But if so be they would give their attendance at my lodging, I Protested to do them what right or favour I could, as I was a Gentleman, and so forth. KNOW So, sir! then you tried their sk**? BOB Alas, soon tried: you shall hear, sir. Within two or three Days after, they came; and, by honesty, fair sir, believe me, I Graced them exceedingly, shewed them some two or three tricks of Prevention have purchased them since a credit to admiration: they Cannot deny this; and yet now they hate me, and why? because I am Excellent; and for no other vile reason on the earth. KNOW This is strange and barbarous, as ever I heard. BOB Nay, for a more instance of their preposterous natures; but Note; sir. They have a**aulted me some three, four, five, six of Them together, as I have walked alone in divers skirts it'll town, As Turnbull, Whitechapel, Shoreditch, which were then my quarters; And since, upon the Exchange, at my lodging, and at my ordinary: Where I have driven them afore me the whole length of a street, in The open view of all our gallants, pitying to hurt them, believe Me. Yet all this lenity will not overcome their spleen; they will Be doing with the pismire, raising a hill a man may spurn abroad With his foot at pleasure. By myself, I could have slain them all, But I delight not in murder. I am loth to bear any other than this Bastinado for them: yet I hold it good polity not to go disarmed, For though I be skilful, I may be oppressed with multitudes. KNOW Ay, believe me, may you, sir: and in my conceit, our whole Nation should sustain the loss by it, if it were so. BOB Alas, no? what's a peculiar man to a nation? not seen. KNOW O, but your sk**, sir. BOB Indeed, that might be some loss; but who respects it? I will Tell you, sir, by the way of private, and under seal; I am a Gentleman, and live here obscure, and to myself; but were I known To her majesty and the lords,—observe me,—I would undertake, upon This poor head and life, for the public benefit of the state, not Only to spare the entire lives of her subjects in general; but to Save the one half, nay, three parts of her yearly charge in holding War, and against what enemy soever. And how would I do it, think You? KNOW Nay, I know not, nor can I conceive. BOB Why thus, sir. I would select nineteen more, to myself. Throughout the land; gentlemen they should be of good spirit, Strong and able constitution; I would choose them by an instinct, a Character that I have: and I would teach these nineteen the special Rules, as your punto, your reverso, your stoccata, your imbroccato, Your pa**ada, your montanto; till they could all play very near, or Altogether as well as myself. This done, say the enemy were forty Thousand strong, we twenty would come into the field the tenth of March, or thereabouts; and we would challenge twenty of the enemy; They could not in their honour refuse us: Well, we would k** them; Challenge twenty more, k** them; twenty more, k** them; twenty More, k** them too; and thus would we k** every man his twenty a Day, that's twenty score; twenty score that's two hundred; two Hundred a day, five days a thousand: forty thousand; forty times Five, five times forty, two hundred days k**s them all up by Computation. And this will I venture my poor gentlemanlike carcase To perform, provided there be no treason practised upon us, by fair And discreet manhood; that is, civilly by the sword. KNOW Why, are you so sure of your hand, captain, at all times? BOB Tut! never miss thrust, upon my reputation with you. KNOW I would not stand in Downright's state then, an you meet Him, for the wealth of anyone street in London. BOB Why, sir, you mistake me: if he were here now, by this welkin, I would not draw my weapon on him. Let this gentleman do his mind: But I will bastinado him, by the bright sun, wherever I meet him. MAT Faith, and I'll have a fling at him, at my distance. KNOW 'Od's, so, look where he is! yonder he goes. [Downright crosses the stage. DOW What peevish luck have I, I cannot meet with these bragging Rascals? BOB It is not he, is it? KNOW Yes, faith, it is he. MAT I'll be hang'd then if that were he. KNOW Sir, keep your hanging good for some greater matter, for I Assure you that were he. STEP Upon my reputation, it was he. BOB Had I thought it had been he, he must not have gone so: but I Can hardly be induced to believe it was he yet. KNOW That I think, sir. Re-enter DOWNRIGHT. But see, he is come again. DOW O, Pharaoh's foot, have I found you? Come, draw to your tools; Draw, gipsy, or I'll thrash you. BOB Gentleman of valour, I do believe in thee; hear me— DOW Draw your weapon then. BOB Tall man, I never thought on it till now—Body of me, I had A warrant of the peace served on me, even now as I came along, by A water-bearer; this gentleman saw it, Master Mathew. DOW 'Sd**h! you will not draw then? Disarms and beats him. Mathew runs away. BOB Hold, hold! under thy favour forbear! DOW Prate again, as you like this, you who*eson foist you! You'll Control the point, you! Your consort is gone; had he staid he had Shared with you, sir. BOB Well, gentlemen, bear witness, I was bound to the peace, by This good day. KNOW No, faith, it's an ill day, captain, never reckon it Other: but, say you were bound to the peace, the law allows you to Defend yourself: that will prove but a poor excuse. BOB I cannot tell, sir; I desire good construction in fair sort. I Never sustain'd the like disgrace, by heaven! sure I was struck With a planet thence, for I had no power to touch my weapon. KNOW Ay, like enough; I have heard of many that have been Beaten under a planet: go, get you to a surgeon. 'Slid! an these be Your tricks, your pa**adoes, and your montantos, I'll none of them. O, manners! that this age should bring forth such Creatures! that nature should be at leisure to make them! Come, Coz. STEP Ma**, I'll have this cloak. KNOW 'Od's will, 'tis Downright's. STEP Nay, it's mine now, another might have ta'en it up as well: I'll wear it, so I will. KNOW How an he see it? he'll challenge it, a**ure yourself. STEP Ay, but he shall not have it: I'll say I bought it. KNOW Take heed you buy it not too dear, coz. SCENE IV.-A Room in KITELY'S House. Enter KITELY, WELLBRED, Dame KITELY, and BRIDGET, KIT Now, trust me, brother, you were much to blame, T' incense his anger, and disturb the peace Of my poor house, where there are sentinels That every minute watch to give alarms Of civil war, without adjection Of your a**istance or occasion. WEL No harm done, brother, I warrant you: since there is no harm Done, anger costs a man nothing; and a tall man is never his own Man till he be angry. To keep his valour in obscurity, is to keep Himself as it were in a cloak bag. What's a musician, unless he Play? What's a tall man unless he fight? For, indeed, all this my Wise brother stands upon absolutely; and that made me fall in with Him so resolutely. DAME K Ay, but what harm might have come of it, brother? WEL Might, sister? so might the good warm clothes your husband Wears be poisoned, for any thing he knows: or the wholesome wine he Drank, even now at the table. KIT Now, God forbid! O me! now I remember My wife drank to me last, and changed the cup, And bade me wear this cursed suit to-day. See, if Heaven suffer murder undiscover'd! I feel me ill; give me some mithridate, Some mithridate and oil, good sister, fetch me: O, I am Sick at heart, I burn. I burn. If you will save my life, go fetch it me. WEL O strange humour! my very breath has poison'd him. BRID Good brother be content, what do you mean? The strength of these extreme conceits will k** you. DAME K Beshrew your heart, blood, brother Wellbred, now, For putting such a toy into his head! WEL Is a fit simile a toy? will he be poison'd with a simile? Brother Kitely, what a strange and idle imagination is this! For Shame, be wiser. O' my soul there's no such matter. KIT Am I not sick? how am I then not poison'd? Am I not poison'd? How am I then so sick? DAME K If you be sick, your own thoughts make you sick. WEL His jealousy is the poison he has taken. Enter BRAINWORM, disguised in FORMAL'S clothes. BRAI Master Kitely, my master, justice Clement salutes you; and Desires to speak with you with all possible speed. KIT No time but now, when I think I am sick, very sick! well, I Will wait upon his worship. Thomas! Cob! I must seek them out, and Set them sentinels till I return. Thomas! Cob! Thomas! This is perfectly rare, Brainworm; [takes him aside.] but how Got'st thou this apparel of the justice's man? BRAI Marry, sir, my proper fine pen-man would needs bestow the Grist on me, at the Windmill, to hear some martial discourse; where I so marshall'd him, that I made him drunk with admiration; and, Because too much heat was the cause of his distemper, I stript him Stark naked as he lay along asleep, and borrowed his suit to Deliver this counterfeit message in, leaving a rusty armour, and an Old brown bill to watch him till my return; which shall be, when I Have pawn'd his apparel, and spent the better part O' the money, Perhaps. WEL Well, thou art a successful merry knave, Brainworm: his Absence will be a good subject for more mirth. I pray thee return To thy young master, and will him to meet me and my sister Bridget At the Tower instantly; for here, tell him the house is so stored With jealousy, there is no room for love to stand up'right in. We Must get our fortunes committed to some larger prison, say; and Than the Tower, I know no better air, nor where the liberty of the House may do us more present service. Away. Re-enter KITELY, talking aside to CASH. KIT Come hither, Thomas. Now my secret's ripe, And thou shalt have it: lay to both thine ears. Hark what I say to thee. I must go forth, Thomas; Be careful of thy promise, keep good watch, Note every gallant, and observe him well, That enters in my absence to thy mistress: If she would shew him rooms, the jest is stale, Follow them, Thomas, or else hang on him, And let him not go after; mark their looks; Note if she offer but to see his band, Or any other amorous toy about him; But praise his leg, or foot: or if she say The day is hot, and bid him feel her hand, How hot it is; O, that's a monstrous thing! Note me all this, good Thomas, mark their sighs, And if they do but whisper, break 'em off: I'll bear thee out in it. Wilt thou do this? Wilt thou be true, my Thomas? CASH As truth's self, sir. KIT Why, I believe thee: Where is Cob, now? Cob! DAME K He's ever calling for Cob: I wonder how he employs Cob so. WEL Indeed, sister, to ask how he employs Cob, is a necessary Question for you that are his wife, and a thing not very easy for You to be satisfied in; but this I'll a**ure you, Cob's wife is an Excellent bawd, sister, and oftentimes your husband haunts her House; marry, to what end? I cannot altogether accuse him; imagine You what you think convenient: but I have known fair hides have Foul hearts ere now, sister. DAME K Never said you truer than that, brother, so much I can tell You for your learning. Thomas, fetch your cloak and go with me. I'll after him presently: I would to fortune I could Take him there, i'faith, I'd return him his own, I warrant him! WEL So, let 'em go; this may make sport anon. Now, my fair Sister-in-law, that you knew but how happy a thing it were to be Fair and beautiful. BRID That touches not me, brother. WEL That's true; that's even the fault of it; for indeed, beauty Stands a woman in no stead, unless it procure her touching.—But, Sister, whether it touch you or no. It touches your beauties; and I Am sure they will abide the touch; an they do not, a plague of all Ceruse, say I! and it touches me too in part, though not in The—Well, there's a dear and respected friend of mine, sister, Stands very strongly and worthily affected toward you, and hath Vowed to inflame whole bonfires of zeal at his heart, in honour of Your perfections. I have already engaged my promise to bring you Where you shall hear him confirm much more. Ned Knowell is the man, Sister: there's no exception against the party. You are ripe for a Husband; and a minute's loss to such all occasion, is a great Trespa** in a wise beauty. What say you, sister? On 'my soul he Loves you; will you give him the meeting? BRID Faith, I had very little confidence in mine own constancy, Brother, if I durst not meet a man; but this motion of yours Savours of an old knight adventurer's servant a little too much, Methinks. WEL What' s that, sister? BRID Marry, of the squire. WEL No matter if it did, I would be such an one for my friend. But See, who is return'd to hinder us! Reenter KITELY. KIT What villainy is this? call'd out on a false message! This was some plot; I was not sent for.—-Bridget, Where is your sister? BRID I think she be gone forth, sir. KIT How! is my wife gone forth? whither, for God's sake? BRID She's gone abroad with Thomas. KIT Abroad with Thomas! Oh, that villain dors me: Beast that I was, to trust him! whither, I pray you, Went she? BRID I know not, sir. WEL I'll tell you, brother, Whither I suspect she's gone; KIT Whither, good brother? WEL To Cob's house, I believe: but, keep my counsel. KIT I will, I will: to Cob's house! doth she haunt Cob's? She's gone a purpose now to cuckold me, With that lewd rascal, who, to win her favour, Hath told her all. WEL Come, he is once more gone, Sister, let's lose no time; the affair is worth it. SCENE VII.—-A Street. Enter MATHEW and BOBADILL. MAT I wonder, captain, what they will say of my going away, ha? BOB Why, what should they say; but as of a discreet gentleman; Quick, wary, respectful of nature's fair lineaments? and that's All. MAT Why so! but what can they say of your beating? BOB A rude part, a touch with soft wood, a kind of gross battery Used, laid on strongly, borne most patiently; and that's all. MAT Ay, but would any man have offered it in Venice, as you say? BOB Tut! I a**ure you, no: you shall have there your nobilis, your Gentilezza, come in bravely upon your reverse, stand you close, Stand you firm, stand you fair, save your retricato with his left Leg, come to the a**alto with the right, thrust with brave steel, Defy your base wood! But wherefore do I awake this remembrance? I Was fascinated, by Jupiter; fascinated, but I will be unwitch'd And revenged by law. MAT Do you hear? is it not best to get a warrant, and have him Arrested and brought before justice Clement? BOB It were not amiss; would we had it! Enter BRAINWORM disguised as FORMAL. MAT Why, here comes his man; let's speak to him. BOB Agreed, do you speak, MAT Save you, sir. BRAI With all my heart, sir. MAT Sir, there is one Downright hath abused this gentleman and Myself, and we determine to make our amends by law: now, if you Would do us the favour to procure a warrant to bring him afore your Master, you shall be well considered, I a**ure you, sir. BRAI Sir, you know my service is my living; such favours as these Gotten of my master is his only preferment, and therefore you must Consider me as I may make benefit of my place. MAT How is that, Sir? BRAI Faith, sir, the thing is extraordinary, and the gentleman may Be of great account; yet, be he what he will, if you will lay me Down a brace of angels in my hand you shall have it, otherwise not. MAT How shall we do, captain? he asks a brace of angels, you have No money? BOB Not a cross, by fortune. MAT Nor I, as I am a gentleman, but twopence left of my two Shillings in the morning for wine and radish: let's find him some Pawn. BOB Pawn! we have none to the value of his demand. MAT O, yes; I'll pawn this j**el in my ear, and you may pawn your Silk stockings, and pull up your boots, they will ne'er be mist: it Must be done now. BOB Well, an there be no remedy, I'll step aside and pull them Off. MAT Do you hear, sir? we have no store of money at this time, but You shall have good pawns; look you, sir, this j**el, and that Gentleman's silk stockings; because we would have it dispatch'd ere We went to our chambers. BRAI I am content, sir; I will get you the What's his name, say You? Downright? MAT Ay, ay, George Downright. BRAI What manner of man is he? MAT A tall big man, sir; he goes in a cloak most commonly of Silk-russet, laid about with russet lace. BRAI 'Tis very good, sir. MAT Here, Sir, here's my j**el. BOB [Returning.] And here are my stockings. BRAI Well, gentlemen, I'll procure you this warrant presently; but Who will you have to serve it? MAT That's true, captain: that must be considered. BOB Body O' me, I know not; 'tis service of danger. BRAI Why, you were best get one O' the varlets of the city, a SERJEANT: I'll appoint you one, if you please. MAT Will you, sir? why, we can wish no better. BOB We'll leave it to you, sir. BRAI This is rare! Now will I go and pawn this cloak of the Justice's man's at the broker's, for a varlet's suit, and be the Varlet myself; and get either more pawns, or more money of Downright, for the arrest. SCENE VIII.-The Lane before COB'S House. Enter KNOWELL. KNOW Oh, here it is; I am glad I have found it now; Ho! who is within here? TIB [Within.] I am within, sir; what's your pleasure? KNOW To know who is within beside yourself. TIB Why, sir, you are no constable, I hope? KNOW O, fear you the constable? then I doubt not, You have some guests within deserve that fear; I'll fetch him straight. Enter TIB. TIB O' God's name, sir! KNOW Go to: come tell me, is not young Knowell here? TIB Young Knowell! I know none such, sir, o' mine honesty. KNOW Your honesty, dame! it flies too lightly from you. There is no way but fetch the constable. TIB The constable! the man is mad, I think. Enter Dame KITELY and CASH. CASH Ho! who keeps house here? KNOW O, this is the female copesmate of my son: Now shall I meet him straight. DAME K Knock, Thomas, hard. CASH Ho, goodwife! Re-enter TIB. TIB Why, what's the matter with you? DAME K Why, woman, grieves it you to ope your door? Belike you get something to keep it shut. TIB What mean these questions, pray ye? DAME K So strange you make it! is not my husband here? KNOW Her husband! DAME K My tried husband, master Kitely? TIB I hope he needs not to be tried here. DAME K No, dame, he does it not for need, but pleasure. TIB Neither for need nor pleasure is he here. KNOW This is but a device to balk me withal: Enter KITELY, muffled in his cloak. SOFT Who is this? 'tis not my son disguised? DAME K [Spies her husband, and runs to him.] O, sir, have I fore-stall'd your honest market Found your close walks? You stand amazed now, do you? I'faith, I am glad I have smok'd you yet at last. What is your j**el, trow? In, come, let's see her; Fetch forth your housewife, dame; if she be fairer, In any honest judgment, than myself, I'll be content with it: but she is change, She feeds you fat, she soothes your appetite, And you are well! Your wife, an honest woman, Is meat twice sod to you, sir! O, you treachour! KNOW She cannot counterfeit thus palpably. KIT Out on thy more than strumpet impudence! Steal'st thou thus to thy haunts? and have I taken Thy bawd and thee, and thy companion, This hoary-headed letcher, this old goat, Close at your villainy, and would'st thou 'scuse it With this stale harlot's jest, accusing me? O, old incontinent, [to Knowell.] dost thou not shame, When all thy powers in chastity are spent, To have a mind so hot? and to entice, And feed the enticements of a lustful woman? DAME K Out, I defy thee, I, dissembling wretch! KIT Defy me, strumpet! Ask thy pander here, Can he deny it; or that wicked elder? KNOW Why, hear you, sir. KIT Tut, tut, tut; never speak: Thy guilty conscience will discover thee. KNOW What lunacy is this, that haunts this man? KIT Well, good wife bawd, Cob's wife, and you, That make your husband such a hoddy-doddy; And you, young apple-squire, and old cuckold-maker; I'll have you every one before a justice: Nay, you shall answer it, I charge you go. KNOW Marry, with all my heart, sir, I go willingly; Though I do taste this as a trick put on me, To punish my impertinent search, and justly, And half forgive my son for the device. KIT Come, will you go? DAME K Go! to thy shame believe it. Enter Cob. COB Why, what's the matter here, 'what's here to do? KIT O; Cob, art thou come? I have been abused, And in thy house; was never man so wrong'd! COB 'Slid, in my house, my master Kitely! who wrongs you in My house? ' KIT Marry, young lust in old, and old in young here: Thy wife's their bawd, here have I taken them. COB How, bawd! is my house come to that? Am I preferr'd thither? Did I not charge you to keep your doors shut, Isbel? and—-you Let them lie open for all comers! [Beats his wife]. KNOW Friend, know some cause, before thou beat'st thy wife. This is madness in thee. COB Why, is there no cause? KIT Yes, I'll shew cause before the justice, Cob: Come, let her go with me. COB Nay, she shall go. TIB Nay, I will go. I'll see an you may be allowed to make a Bundle of hemp of your right and lawful wife thus, at every Cuckoldy knave's pleasure. Why do you not go? KIT A bitter quean! Come, we will have you tamed. SCENE IX.—-A Street. Enter BRAINWORM, disguised as a City Serjeant. BRAI Well, of all my disguises yet, now am I most like myself, Being in this serjeant's gown. A man of my present profession never Counterfeits, till he lays hold upon a debtor, and says, he rests Him; for then he brings him to all manner of unrest. A kind of Little kings we are, bearing the diminutive of a mace, made like a Young artichoke, that always carries pepper and salt in itself. Well, I know not what danger I undergo by this exploit; pray Heaven I come well off! Enter MATHEW and BOBADILL. MAT See, I think, yonder is the varlet, by his gown. BOB Let's go in quest of him. MAT 'Save you, friend! 'are not you here by appointment of justice Clement's man? BRAI Yes, an't please you, sir; he told me, two gentlemen had Will'd him to procure a warrant from his master, which I have about Me, to be served on one Downright. MAT It is honestly done of you both; and see where the party comes You must arrest; serve it upon him quickly afore he be aware. BOB Bear back, master Mathew. Enter STEPHEN in DOWNRIGHT'S cloak. Master Downright, I arrest you in the queen's name, and must Carry you afore a justice by virtue of this warrant: BRAI STEP Me, friend! I am no Downright, I; I am master Stephen; You do Not well to arrest me, I tell you, truly; I am in nobody's bonds Nor books, I would you should know it. A plague on you heartily, For making me thus afraid afore my time! BRAI Why, now you are deceived, gentlemen. BOB He wears such a cloak, and that deceived us: but see, here a' Comes indeed; this is he; officer. Enter DOWNRIGHT. DOW Why how now, signior gull! are you turn'd filcher of late! Come, deliver my cloak. STEP Your cloak, sir! I bought it even now, in open market. BRAI Master Downright, I have a warrant I must serve upon you, Procured by these two gentlemen. DOW These gentlemen! these rascals! [Offers to beat them. BRAI Keep the peace, I charge you in her majesty's name. DOW I obey thee. What must I do, officer? BRAI Go before master justice Clement; to answer that they can Object against you, sir: I will use you kindly, sir. MAT Come, let's before, and make the justice, captain. BOB The varlet's a tall man, afore heaven! [Exeunt Bob. and Mat]. DOW Gull, you'll give me my cloak. STEP Sir, I bought it, and I'll keep it. DOW You will? STEP Ay, that I will. DOW Officer, there's thy fee, arrest him. BRAI Master Stephen I must arrest you. STEP Arrest me! I scorn it. There, take your cloak, I'll none On't. DOW Nay, that shall not serve your turn now, sir. Officer, I'll go With thee to the justice's; bring him along. STEP Why, is not here your cloak? what would you have? DOW I'll have you answer it, sir. BRAI Sir, I'll take your word, and this gentleman's too, for his Appearance. DOW I'll have no words taken: bring him along. BRAI Sir, I may choose to do that, I may take bail. DOW 'Tis true, you may take bail, and choose at another time: but You shall not now, varlet: bring him along, or I'll swinge you. BRAI Sir, I pity the gentleman's case: here's your money again. DOW 'Sdeins, tell not me of my money; bring him away, I say. BRAI I warrant you he will go with you of himself, sir. DOW Yet more ado? BRAI I have made a fair mash on't; Aside. STEP Must I go? BRAI I know no remedy, master Stephen. DOW Come along afore me here; I do not love your hanging look Behind. STEP Why, sir, I hope you cannot hang me for it: can he, fellow? BRAI I think not, sir; it is but a whipping matter, sure.