Ben Jonson - Every Man In His Humour (Act 3) lyrics

SCENE I.-The Old Jewry. A Room in the Windmill Tavern. Enter Master MATHEW, WELLBRED, and BOBADILL. MAT Yes, faith, sir, we were at your lodging to seek you too. WEL Oh, I came not there to-night. BOB Your brother delivered us as much. WEL Who, my brother Downright? BOB He. Mr. Wellbred, I know not in what kind you hold me; but let me say to you this: as sure as honour, I esteem it So much out of the sunshine of reputation, to throw the least beam of regard upon such a WEL Sir, I must hear no ill words of my brother. BOB I protest to you, as I have a thing to be saved about me, I never saw any gentlemanlike part— WEL Good captain, faces about to some other discourse. BOB With your leave, sir, an there were no more men living upon th' face of the earth, I should not fancy him, by St. George! MAT Troth, nor I; he is of a rustical cut, I know not how: he doth not carry himself like a gentleman of fashion. WEL Oh, master Mathew, that's a grace peculiar but to a few, quos aequus amavit Jupiter. MAT I understand you, sir. WEL No question, you do,—or do you not, sir. Enter KNOWELL and Master STEPHEN NED Knowell! by my soul, welcome: how dost thou, sweet spirit, my genius? 'Slid, I shall love Apollo and the mad Thespian girls the better, while I live, for this, my dear Fury; now, I see there's some love in thee. Sirrah, these be the two I writ to thee of: nay, what a drowsy humour is this now! why dost thou not speak? KNOW Oh, you are a fine gallant; you sent me a rare letter. WEL Why, was't not rare? KNOW Yes, I'll be sworn, I was ne'er guilty of reading the like; match it in all Pliny, or Symmachus's epistles, and I'll have my judgment burn'd in the ear for a rogue: make much of thy vein, for it is inimitable. But I marle what camel it was, that had the carriage of it; for, doubtless, he was no ordinary beast that brought it. WEL Why? KNOW Why, say'st thou! why, dost thou think that any reasonable creature, especially in the morning, the sober time of the day too, could have mistaken my father for me? WEL 'Slid, you jest, I hope. KNOW Indeed, the best use we can turn it to, is to make a jest on't; now: but I'll a**ure you, my father had the full view of your flourishing style some hour before I saw it. WEL What a dull slave was this! but, sirrah, what said he to it, i'faith? KNOW Nay, I know not what he said; but I have a shrewd guess what he thought. WEL What, what? KNOW Marry, that thou art some strange, dissolute young fellow, and I—a grain or two better, for keeping thee company. WEL Tut! that thought is like the moon in her last quarter, 'twill change shortly: but, sirrah, I pray thee be acquainted with my two hang-by's here; thou wilt take exceeding pleasure in them if thou hear'st 'em once go; my wind-instruments; I'll wind them up—But what strange piece of silence is this, the sign of the Dumb Man? KNOW Oh, sir, a kinsman of mine, one that may make your music the fuller, an he please; he has his humour, sir. WEL Oh, what is't, what is't? KNOW Nay, I'll neither do your judgment nor his folly that wrong, as to prepare your apprehension: I'll leave him to the mercy of your search; if you can take him, so! WEL Well, captain Bobadill, master Mathew, pray you know this gentleman here; he is a friend of mine, and one that will deserve your affection. I know not your name, sir, [to Stephen.] but I shall be glad of any occasion to render me more familiar to you. STEP My name is master Stephen, sir; I am this gentleman's own cousin, sir; his father is mine uncle, sir: I am somewhat melancholy, but you shall command me, sir, in whatsoever is incident to a gentleman. BOB Sir, I must tell you this, I am no general man; but for master Wellbred's sake, (you may embrace it at what height of favour you please,) I do communicate with you, and conceive you to be a gentleman of some parts; I love few words. KNOW And I fewer, sir; I have scarce enough to thank you. MAT But are you, indeed, sir, so given to it? STEP Ay, truly, sir, I am mightily given to melancholy. MAT Oh, it's your only fine humour, sir: your true melancholy breeds your perfect fine wit, sir. I am melancholy myself, diver times, sir, and then do I no more but take pen and paper, presently, and overflow you half a score, or a dozen of sonnets at a sitting. KNOW Sure he utters them then by the gross. [Aside. STEP Truly, sir, and I love such things out of measure. KNOW I'faith, better than in measure, I'll undertake. MAT Why, I pray you, sir, make use of my study, it's at your service. STEP I thank you, sir, I shall be bold I warrant you; have you a stool there to be melancholy upon? MAT That I have, sir, and some papers there of mine own doing, at idle hours, that you'll say there's some sparks of wit in 'em, when you see them, WEL Would the sparks would kindle once, and become a fire amongst them! I might see self-love burnt for her heresy. [Aside. STEP Cousin, is it well? am I melancholy enough? KNOW Oh ay, excellent. WEL Captain Bobadill, why muse you so? KNOW He is melancholy too. BOB Faith, sir, I was thinking of a most honourable piece of service, was performed to-morrow, being St. Mark's day, shall be some ten years now. KNOW In what place, captain? BOB Why, at the beleaguering of Strigonium, where, in less than two hours, seven hundred resolute gentlemen, as any were in Europe, lost their lives upon the breach. I'll tell you, gentlemen, it was the first, but the best leaguer that ever I beheld with these eyes, except the taking in of—what do you call it?—last year, by the Genoways; but that, of all other, was the most fatal and dangerous exploit that ever I was ranged in, since I first bore arms before the face of the enemy, as I am a gentleman and a soldier! STEP So! I had as lief as an angel I could swear as well as that gentleman. KNOW Then, you were a servitor at both, it seems; at Strigonium, and what do you call't? BOB O lord, sir! By St. George, I was the first man that entered the breach; and had I not effected it with resolution, I had been slain if I had had a million of lives. KNOW 'Twas pity you had not ten; a cat's and your own, i'faith. But, was it possible? MAT Pray you mark this discourse, sir. STEP So I do. BOB I a**ure' you, upon my reputation, 'tis true, and you shall confess. KNOW You must bring me to the rack, first. Aside. BOB Observe me judicially, sweet sir; they had planted me three demi-culverins just in the mouth of the breach; now, sir, as we were to give on, their master-gunner (a man of no mean sk** and mark, you must think,) confronts me with his linstock, ready to give fire; I, spying his intendment, discharged my petronel in his bosom, and with these single arms, my poor rapier, ran violently upon the Moors that guarded the ordnance, and put them pell-mell, to the sword. WEL To the sword! To the rapier, captain. KNOW Oh, it was a good figure observed, sir: but did you all this, captain, without hurting your blade? BOB Without any impeach O' the earth: you shall perceive, sir. [Shews his rapier.] It is the most fortunate weapon that ever rid on poor gentleman's thigh. Shall I tell you, sir? You talk of Morglay, Excalibur, Durindana, or so; tut! I lend no credit to that is fabled of 'em: I know the virtue of mine own, and therefore I dare the boldlier maintain it. STEP I marle whether it be a Toledo or no. BOB A most perfect Toledo, I a**ure you, sir. Step. I have a countryman of his here. MAT Pray you, let's see, sir; yes, faith, it is. BOB This a Toledo! Pish! STEP Why do you pish, captain? BOB A Fleming, by heaven! I'll buy them for a guilder a-piece. An I would have a thousand of them. KNOW How say you, cousin? I told you thus much. WEL Where bought you it, master Stephen? STEP Of a scurvy rogue soldier: a hundred of lice go with him! He swore it was a Toledo. BOB A poor provant rapier, no better. MAT Ma**, I think it be indeed, now I look on't better. KNOW Nay, the longer you look on't, the worse. Put it up, put it up. STEP Well, I will put it up; but by—I have forgot the captain's oath, I thought to have sword! by it,—an e'er I meet him— WEL O, it is past help now, sir; you must have patience. STEP who*eson, coney-hatching rascal! I could eat the very hilts for anger. KNOW A sign of good digestion; you have an ostrich stomach, Cousin. STEP A stomach! would I had him here, you should see an I had a stomach. WEL It's better as it is.—Come, gentlemen, shall we go? Enter BRAINWORM, disguised as before. KNOW A miracle, cousin; look here, look here! STEP Oh—'Od's lid. By your leave, do you know me, sir? BRAI Ay, sir, I know you by sight. Step You sold me a rapier, did you not? BRAI Yes, marry did I, sir. STEP You said it was a Toledo, ha? BRAI True, I did so. STEP But it is none. BRAI No, sir, I confess it; it is none. STEP Do you confess it? Gentlemen, bear witness, he has confest it:—'Od's will, an you had not confest it.=== KNOW Oh, cousin, forbear, forbear! Step. Nay, I have done, cousin. WEL Why, you have done like a gentleman; he has confest it, what would you more? STEP Yet, by his leave, he is a rascal, under his favour, do you see. KNOW Ay, by his leave, he is, and under favour: a pretty piece of civility! Sirrah, how dost thou like him? WEL Oh, it's a most precious fool, make much on him: I can compare him to nothing more happily than a drum; for every one may play upon him. KNOW No, no, a child's whistle were far the fitter. BRAI Shall I intreat a word with you? KNOW With me, sir? you have not another Toledo to sell, have you? BRAI You are conceited, sir: Your name is Master Knowell, as I take it? You are in the right; you mean not to proceed in the catechism, do you? BRAI No, sir; I am none of that coat. KNOW Of as bare a coat, though: well, say, sir. BRAI Faith, sir, I am but servant to the drum extraordinary, and indeed, this smoky varnish being washed off, and three or four patches removed, I appear your worship's in reversion, after the decease of your good father, Brainworm. KNOW Brainworm'! 'Slight, what breath of a conjurer hath blown thee hither in this shape? BRAI The breath of your letter, sir, this morning; the same that blew you to the Windmill, and your father after you. KNOW My father! BRAI Nay, never start, 'tis true; he has followed you over the fields by the foot, as you would do a hare in the snow. KNOW Sirrah Wellbred, what shall we do, sirrah? my father is come over after me. WEL Thy father! Where is he? BRAI At justice Clement's house, in Coleman-street, where he but stays my return; and then— WEL Who's this? Brainworm! BRAI The same, sir. WEL Why how, in the name of wit, com'st thou transmuted thus? COB Faith, a device, a device; nay, for the love of reason, gentlemen, and avoiding the danger, stand not here; withdraw, and I'll tell you all. WEL But art thou sure he will stay thy return? BRAI Do I live, sir? what a question is that! WEL We'll prorogue his expectation, then, a little: Brainworm, thou shalt go with us.—Come on, gentlemen.==-Nay, I pray thee, sweet Ned, droop not; 'heart, an our wits be so wretchedly dull, that one old plodding brain can outstrip us all, would we were e'en prest to make porters of, and serve out the remnant of our days in Thames-street, or at Custom-house key, in a civil war against the carmen! BRAI Amen, amen, amen, say I. SCENE II—-The Old Jewry. KITELY'S Warehouse. Enter KITELY and CASH. KIT What says he, Thomas? did you speak with him? CASH He will expect you, sir, within this half hour. KIT Has he the money ready, can you tell? CASH Yes, sir, the money was brought in last night. KIT O, that is well; fetch me my cloak, my cloak![Exit Cash.] Stay, let me see, an hour to go and come; Ay, that will be the least; and then 'twill be An hour before I can dispatch with him, Or very near; well, I will say two hours. Two hours! ha! things never dreamt of yet, May be contrived, ay, and effected too, In two hours' absence; well, I will not go. Two hours! No, fleering Opportunity, I will not give your subtilty that scope. Who will not judge him worthy to be robb'd, That sets his doors wide open to a thief, And shews the felon where his treasure lies? Again, what earthly spirit but will attempt To taste the fruit of beauty's golden tree, When leaden sleep seals up the dragon's eyes? I will not go. Business, go by for once. No, beauty, no; you are of too good caract, To be left so, without a guard, or open, Your lustre, too, 'll inflame at any distance, Draw courtship to you, as a jet doth straws; Put motion in a stone, strike fire from ice, Nay, make a porter leap you with his burden. You must be then kept up, close, and well watch'd, For, give you opportunity, no quick-sand Devours or swallows swifter! He that lends His wife, if she be fair, or time or place, Compels her to be false. I will not go! The dangers are too many;—-and then the dressing Is a most main attractive! Our great heads Within this city never were in safety Since our wives wore these little caps: I'll change 'em; I'll change 'em straight in mine: mine shall no more Wear three-piled acorns, to make my horns ake. Nor will I go; I am resolved for that. Re-enter CASH with a cloak. Carry in my cloak again. Yet stay. Yet do, too: I will defer going, on all occasions. CASH Sir, Snare, your scrivener, will be there with the bonds. KIT That's true: fool on me! I had clean forgot it; I must go. What's a clock? CASH Exchange-time, sir. KIT 'Heart, then will Wellbred presently be here too, With one or other of his loose consorts. I am a knave, if I know what to say, What course to take, or which way to resolve. My brain, methinks, is like an hour-gla**, Wherein my imaginations run like sands, Filling up time; but then are turn'd and turn'd: So that I know not what to stay upon, And less, to put in act.—-It shall be so. Nay, I dare build upon his secrecy, He knows not to deceive me.—-Thomas! CASH Sir. KIT Yet now I have bethought me too, I will not. Thomas, is Cob within? CASH I think he be, sir. KIT But he'll prate too, there is no speech of him. No, there were no man on the earth to Thomas, If I durst trust him; there is all the doubt. But should he have a clink in him, I were gone. Lost in my fame for ever, talk for th' Exchange! The manner he hath stood with, till this present, Doth promise no such change: what should I fear then? Well, come what will, I'll tempt my fortune once. THOMAS you may deceive me, but, I hope Your love to me is more CASH Sir, if a servant's Duty, with faith, may be call'd love, you are More than in hope, you are possess'd of it. KIT I thank you heartily, Thomas: give me your hand: With all my heart, good Thomas. I have, Thomas, A secret to impart unto you—-but, When once you have it, I must seal your lips up; So far I tell you, Thomas. CASH Sir, for that KIT Nay, hear me out. Think I esteem you, Thomas, When I will let you in thus to my private. It is a thing sits nearer to my crest, Than thou art 'ware of, Thomas; if thou should'st Reveal it, but CASH How, I reveal it? KIT Nay, I do not think thou would'st; but if thou should'st, 'Twere a great weakness. CASH A great treachery: Give it no other name. KIT Thou wilt not do't, then? CASH Sir, if I do, mankind disclaim me ever! KIT He will not swear, he has some reservation, Some conceal'd purpose, and close meaning sure; Else, being urg'd so much, how should he choose But lend an oath to all this protestation? He's no precisian, that I'm certain of, Nor rigid Roman Catholic: he'll play At fayles, and tick-tack; I have heard him swear. What should I think of it? urge him again, And by some other way! I will do so. Well, Thomas, thou hast sworn not to disclose:—- Yes, you did swear? CASH Not yet, sir, but I will, Please you KIT No, Thomas, I dare take thy word, But, if thou wilt swear, do as thou think'st; good; I am resolv'd without It; at thy pleasure. CASH By my soul's safety then, sir, I protest, My tongue shall ne'er take knowledge of a word Deliver'd me in nature of your trust. KIT It is too much; these ceremonies need not: I know thy faith to be as firm as rock. Thomas, come hither, near; we cannot be Too private in this business. So it is, Now he has sworn, I dare the safelier venture. [Aside.] I have of late, by divers observations But whether his oath can bind him, yea, or no, Being not taken lawfully? ha! say you? I will ask council ere I do proceed [Aside.] Thomas, it will be now too long to stay, I'll spy some fitter time soon, or to-morrow. CASH Sir, at your pleasure. KIT I will think:-and, Thomas, I pray you search the books 'gainst my return, For the receipts 'twixt me and Traps. CASH I will, sir. KIT And hear you, if your mistress's brother, Wellbred, Chance to bring hither any gentleman, Ere I come back, let one straight bring me word. CASH Very well, sir. KIT To the Exchange, do you hear? Or here in Coleman-street, to justice Clement's. Forget it not, nor be not out of the way. CASH I will not, sir. KIT I pray you have a care on't. Or, whether he come or no, if any other, Stranger, or else; fail not to send me word. CASH I shall not, sir. KIT Be it your special business Now to remember it. CASH Sir, I warrant you. KIT But, Thomas, this is not the secret, Thomas, I told you of. CASH No, sir; I do suppose it. KIT Believe me, it is not. CASH Sir, I do believe you. KIT By heaven it is not, that's enough: but, Thomas, I would not you should utter it, do you see, To any creature living; yet I care not. Well, I must hence. Thomas, conceive thus much; It was a trial of you, when I meant So deep a secret to you, I mean not this, But that I have to tell you; this is nothing, this. But, Thomas, keep this from my wife, I charge you, Lock'd up in silence, midnight, buried here. No greater hell than to be slave to fear. CASH Lock'd up in silence, midnight, buried here! Whence should this flood of pa**ion, trow, take head? ha! Best dream no longer of this running humour, For fear I sink; the violence of the stream Already hath transported me so far, That I can feel no ground at all: but soft Oh, 'tis our water-bearer: somewhat has crost him now. Enter COB, hastily. COB Fasting-days! what tell you me of fasting days? 'Slid, would they were all on a light fire for me! they say the whole world shall be consumed with fire one day, but would I had these Ember-weeks and villanous Fridays burnt in the mean time, and then CASH Why, how now, Cob? what moves thee to this choler, ha? COB Collar, master Thomas! I scorn your collar, I, sir; I am none O' your cart-horse, though I carry and draw water. An you offer to ride me with your collar or halter either, I may hap shew you a jade's trick, sir. CASH O, you'll slip your head out of the collar? why, goodman Cob, you mistake me. COB Nay, I have my rheum, and I can be angry as well as another, sir. CASH Thy rheum, Cob! thy humour, thy humour—thou misstak'st. COB Humour! mack, I think it be so indeed; what is that humour? some rare thing, I warrant. CASH Marry I'll tell thee, Cob: it is a gentlemanlike monster, bred in the special gallantry of our time, by affectation; and fed by folly. COB How! must it be fed? CASH Oh ay, humour is nothing if it be not fed: didst thou never hear that? it's a common phrase, feed my humour. COB I'll none on it: humour, avaunt! I know you not, be gone! let who will make hungry meals for your monstership, it shall not be I. Feed you, quoth he! 'slid, I have much ado to feed myself; especially on these lean rascally days too; an't had been any other day but a fasting-day—a plague on them all for me! By this light, one might have done the commonwealth good service, and have drown'd them all in the flood, two or three hundred thousand years ago. O, I do stomach them hugely. I have a maw now, and 'twere for sir Bevis his horse, against them. CASH I pray thee, good Cob, what makes thee so out of love with fasting days? COB Marry, that which will make any man out of love with 'em, I think; their bad conditions, an you will needs know. First they are of a Flemish breed, I am sure on't, for they raven up more bu*ter than all the days of the week beside; next, they stink of fish and leek-porridge miserably; thirdly, they'll keep a man devoutly hungry all day, and at night send him supperless to bed. CASH Indeed, these are faults, Cob. COB Nay, an this were all, 'twere something; but they are the only known enemies to my generation. A fasting-day no sooner comes, but my lineage goes to wrack; poor cobs! they smoak for it, they are made martyrs O' the gridiron, they melt in pa**ion: and your maids to know this, and yet would have me turn Hannibal, and eat my own flesh and blood. My princely coz, [pulls out a red herring] fear nothing; I have not the heart to devour you, an I might be made as rich as king Cophetua. O that I had room for my tears, I could weep salt-water enough now to preserve the lives of ten thousand thousand of my kin! But I may curse none but these filthy almanacks; for an't were not for them, these days of persecution would never be known. I'll be hang'd an some fish-monger's son do not make of 'em, and puts in more fasting-days than he should do, because he would utter his father's dried stock—fish and stinking conger. CASH 'Slight peace! thou'lt be beaten like a stock-fish else: here's master Mathew. Enter WELLIBRED, E. KNOWELL, BRAINWORM, MATHEW, BOBADILL, and STEPHEN. Now must I look out for a messenger to my master. WEL Beshrew me, but it was an absolute good jest, and exceedingly well carried! KNOW Ay, and our ignorance maintain'd it as well, did it not? WEL Yes, faith; but was it possible thou shouldst not know him? I forgive master Stephen, for he is stupidity itself. KNOW 'Fore God, not I, an I might have been join'd patten with one of the seven wise masters for knowing him. He had so writhen himself into the habit of one of your poor infantry, your decayed; ruinous, worm-eaten gentlemen of the round; such as have vowed to sit on the skirts of the city, let your provost and his half-dozen of halberdiers do what they can; and have translated begging out of the old hackney-pace to a fine easy amble, and made it run as smooth off the tongue as a shove-groat shilling. Into the likeness of one of these reformados had he moulded himself so perfectly, observing every trick of their action, as, varying the accent, swearing with an emphasis, indeed, all with so special and exquisite a grace, that, hadst thou seen him, thou wouldst have sworn he might have been sergeant-major, if not lieutenant-colonel to the regiment. WEL Why, Brainworm, who would have thought thou hadst been such an artificer? KNOW An artificer! an architect. Except a man had studied begging all his life time, and been a weaver of language from his infancy for the cloathing of it, I never saw his rival. WEL Where got'st thou this coat, I marle? BRAI Of a Hounsditch man, sir, one of the devil's near kinsmen, a broker. WEL That cannot be, if the proverb hold; for 'A crafty knave needs no broker.' BRAI True, sir; but I did need a broker, ergo— WEL Well put off:—no crafty knave, you'll say. KNOW Tut, he has more of these shifts. BRAI And yet, where I have one the broker has ten, sir. Reenter CASH CASH Francis! Martin! ne'er a one to be found now? what a spite's this! WEL How now, Thomas? Is my brother Kitely within? CASH No, sir, my master went forth e'en now; but master Downright is within.—Cob! what, Cob! Is he gone too? WEL Whither went your master, Thomas, canst thou tell? CASH I know not: to justice Clement's, I think, sir—Cob! KNOW Justice Clement! what's he? WEL Why, dost thou not know him? He is a city-magistrate, a justice here, an excellent good lawyer, and a great scholar; but the only mad, merry old fellow in Europe. I shewed him you the other day. KNOW Oh, is that he? I remember him now. Good faith, and he is a very strange presence methinks; it shews as if he stood out of the rank from other men: I have heard many of his jests in the University. They say he will commit a man for taking the wall of his horse. WEL Ay, or wearing his cloak on one shoulder, or serving of God; any thing, indeed, if it come in the way of his humour. Re-enter CASH. Cash Gasper! Martin! Cob! 'Heart, where should they be trow? Bob Master Kitely's man, pray thee vouchsafe us the lighting of this match. CASH Fire on your match! no time but now to vouchsafe?—Francis! Cob! BOB Body O' me! here's the remainder of seven pound since yesterday was seven-night. 'Tis your right Trinidado: did you never take any master Stephen? STEP No, truly, sir; but I'll learn to take it now, since you commend it so. BOB Sir, believe me, upon my relation for what I tell you, the world shall not reprove. I have been in the Indies, where this herb grows, where neither myself, nor a dozen gentlemen more of my knowledge, have received the taste of any other nutriment in the world, for the space of one and twenty weeks, but the fume of this simple only: therefore, it cannot be, but 'tis most divine. Further, take it in the nature, in the true kind; so, it makes an antidote, that, had you taken the most deadly poisonous plant in all Italy, it should expel it, and clarify you, with as much ease as I speak. And for your green wound,—your Balsamum and your St. John's wort, are all mere gulleries and trash to it, especially your Trinidado: your Nicotian is good too. I could say what I know of the virtue of it, for the expulsion of rheums, raw humours, crudities, obstructions, with a thousand of this kind; but I profess myself no quack-salver. Only thus much; by Hercules, I do hold it, and will affirm it before any prince in Europe, to be the most sovereign and precious weed that ever the earth tendered to the use of man. KNOW This speech would have done decently in a tobacco-trader's mouth. Re-enter CASH with COB. CASH At justice Clement's he is, in the middle of Coleman-street. COB Oh, oh! BOB Where's the match I gave thee, master Kitely's man? CASH Would his match and he, and pipe and all, were at Sancto Domingo! I had forgot it. COB 'Od's me, I marle what pleasure or felicity they have in taking this roguish tobacco. It's good for nothing but to choke a man, and fill him full of smoke and embers: there were four died out of one house last week with taking of it, and two more the bell went for yesternight; one of them, they say, will never scape it; he voided a bushel of soot yesterday, upward and downward. By the stocks, an there were no wiser men than I, I'd have it present whipping, man or woman, that should but deal with a tobacco pipe: why, it will stifle them all in the end, as many as use it; it's little better than ratsbane or rosaker. [Bobadill beats him.] All Oh, good captain, hold, hold! BOB You base cullion, you! Re-enter CASH. CASH Sir, here's your match. Come, thou must needs be talking too, thou'rt well enough served. COB Nay, he will not meddle with his match, I warrant you: well, it shall be a dear beating, an I live. BOB Do you prate, do you murmur? KNOW Nay, good captain, will you regard the humour of a fool? Away, knave. WEL Thomas, get him away. [Exit Cash with Cob. BOB A who*eson filthy slave, a dung-worm, an excrement! Body O' Caesar, but that I scorn to let forth so mean a spirit, I'd have stabb'd him to the earth. WEL Marry, the law forbid, sir! BOB By Pharaoh's foot, I would have done it. STEP Oh, he swears most admirably! By Pharaoh's foot! Body O' Caesar!—I shall never do it, sure. Upon mine honour, and by St. George!—No, I have not the right grace. MAT Master Stephen, will you any? By this air, the most divine tobacco that ever I drunk. As I am a gentleman! STEP None, I thank you, sir. O, this gentleman does it rarely, too: but nothing like the other. By this air! BRAI [pointing to Master Stephen.] Master, glance, glance! master Wellbred! STEP As I have somewhat to be saved, I protest— WEL You are a fool; it needs no affidavit. KNOW Cousin, will you any tobacco? STEP I, sir! Upon my reputation— KNOW How now, cousin! STEP I protest, as I am a gentleman, but no soldier, indeed— WEL No, master Stephen! As I remember, your name is entered in the artillery-garden. STEP Ay, sir, that's true. Cousin, may I swear, as I am a soldier, by that? KNOW O yes, that you may; it is all you have for your money. STEP Then, as I am a gentleman, and a soldier, it is "divine tobacco!" WEL But soft, where's master Mathew! Gone? BRAI No, sir; they went in here. WEL O let's follow them: master Mathew is gone to salute his mistress in verse; we shall have the happiness to hear some of his poetry now; he never comes unfinished.—Brainworm! STEP Brainworm! Where? Is this Brainworm? KNOW Ay, cousin; no words of it, upon your gentility. STEP Not I, body of me! By this air! St. George! and the foot of Pharaoh! WEL Rare! Your cousin's discourse is simply drawn out with oaths. KNOW 'Tis larded with them; a kind of French dressing, if you love it. SCENE III-Coleman-Street. A Room in Justice CLEMENT'S House. Enter KITELY and COB. KIT Ha! how many are there, say'st thou? COB Marry, sir, your brother, master Wellbred— KIT Tut, beside him: what strangers are there, man? COB Strangers? let me see, one, two; ma**; I know not well,— there are so many. KIT How! so many? COB Ay, there's some five or six of them at the most. KIT A swarm, a swarm! Spite of the devil...how they sting my head With forked stings, thus wide and large! But, Cob, How long hast thou been coming hither, Cob? COB A little while, sir. KIT Didst thou come running? COB No, sir. KIT Nay, then I am familiar with thy haste. Bane to my fortunes! what meant I to marry? I, that before was rank'd in such content, My mind at rest too, in so soft a peace, Being free master of mine own free thoughts, And now become a slave? What! never sigh; Be of good cheer, man; for thou art a cuckold: 'Tis done, 'tis done! Nay, when such flowing-store, Plenty itself, falls into my wife's lap, The cornucopiae will be mine, I know.—But, Cob, What entertainment had they? I am sure My sister and my wife would bid them welcome: ha? COB Like enough, sir; yet I heard not a word of it. KIT No; Their lips were seal'd with kisses, and the voice, Drown'd in a flood of joy at their arrival, Had lost her motion, state and faculty. COB Which of them was it that first kiss'd my wife, My sister, I should say?—My wife, alas! I fear not her: ha! who was it say'st thou? COB By my troth, sir, will you have the truth of it? KIT Oh, ay, good Cob, I pray thee heartily. COB Then I am a vagabond, and fitter for Bridewell than your worship's company, if I saw any body to be kiss'd, unless they would have kiss'd the post in the middle of the warehouse; for there I left them all at their tobacco, with a pox! KIT How! were they not gone in then ere thou cam'st? COB O no, sir. KOB Spite of the devil! what do I stay here then? Cob, follow me. [Exit.] COB Nay, soft and fair; I have eggs on the spit; I cannot go yet, sir. Now am I, for some five and fifty reasons, hammering, hammering revenge: oh for three or four gallons of vinegar, to sharpen my wits! Revenge, vinegar revenge, vinegar and mustard revenge! Nay, an he had not lien in my house, 'twould never have grieved me; but being my guest, one that, I'll be sworn, my wife has lent him her smock off her back, while his own shirt has been at washing; pawned her neck-kerchers for clean bands for him; sold almost all my platters, to buy him tobacco; and he to turn monster of ingratitude, and strike his lawful host! Well, I hope to raise up an host of fury for't: here comes justice Clement. Enter Justice CLEMENT, KNOWELL, and FORMAL. CLEM What's master Kitely gone, Roger? FORM Ay, sir. CLEM 'Heart O' me! what made him leave us so abruptly?—How now, sirrah! what make you here? what would you have, ha? CLEM An't please your worship, I am a poor neighbour of your worship's— CLEM A poor neighbour of mine! Why, speak, poor neighbour. COB I dwell, sir, at the sign of the Water-tankard, hard by the Green Lattice: I have paid scot and lot there any time this eighteen years. CLEM To the Green Lattice? COB No, sir, to the parish: Marry, I have seldom scaped scot-free at the Lattice. CLEM O, well; what business has my poor neighbour with me? COB An't like your worship, I am come to crave the peace of your worship. CLEM Of me, knave! Peace of me, knave! Did I ever hurt thee, or threaten thee, or wrong thee, ha? COB No, sir; but your worship's warrant for one that has wrong'd me, sir: his arms are at too much liberty, I would fain have them bound to a treaty of peace, an my credit could compa** it with your worship. CLEM Thou goest far enough about for't, I am sure. KNO Why, dost thou go in danger of thy life for him, friend? COB No, sir; but I go in danger of my d**h every hour, by his means; an I die within a twelve-month and a day, I may swear by the law of the land that he k**ed me. CLOB How, how, knave, swear he k**ed thee, and by the law? What pretence, what colour hast thou for that? COB Marry, an't please your worship, both black and blue; colour enough, I warrant you. I have it here to shew your worship. CLEM What is he that gave you this, sirrah? COB A gentleman and a soldier, he says, he is, of the city here. CLEM A soldier of the city! What call you him? COB Captain Bobadill. COB Bobadill! and why did he bob and beat you, sirrah? How began the quarrel betwixt you, ha? speak truly, knave, I advise you. COB Marry, indeed, an't please your worship, only because I spake against their vagrant tobacco, as I came by them when they were taking on't; for nothing else. FORM Ha! you speak against tobacco? Formal, his name. FORM What's your name, sirrah? COB Oliver, sir, Oliver Cob, sir. CLEM Tell Oliver Cob he shall go to the jail, Formal. FORM Oliver Cob, my master, justice Clement, says you shall go to the jail. COB O, I beseech your worship, for God's sake, dear master justice! CLEM 'Sprecious! an such drunkards and tankards as you are, come to dispute of tobacco once, I have done: away with him! COB O, good master justice! Sweet old gentleman! [To Knowell.] KNOW "Sweet Oliver," would I could do thee any good!—justice Clement, let me intreat you, sir. CLEM What! a thread-bare rascal, a beggar, a slave that never drunk out of better than piss-pot metal in his life! and he to deprave and abuse the virtue of an herb so generally received in the courts of princes, the chambers of nobles, the bowers of sweet ladies, the cabins of soldiers!—Roger, away with him! 'Od's precious—I say, go to. COB Dear master justice, let me be beaten again, I have deserved it: but not the prison, I beseech you. KNOW Alas, poor Oliver! CLEM Roger, make him a warrant:—he shall not go, but I fear the knave. KNOW Do not stink, sweet Oliver, you shall not go; my master will give you a warrant. COB O, the Lord maintain his worship, his worthy worship! CLEM Away, dispatch him. [Exeunt Formal and Cob;] How now, master KNOW in dumps, in dumps! Come, this becomes not. KNOW Sir, would I could not feel my cares. CLEM Your cares are nothing: they are like my cap, soon put on, and as soon put off. What! your son is old enough to govern himself: let him run his course, it's the only way to make him a staid man. If he were an unthrift, a ruffian, a drunkard, or a licentious liver, then you had reason; you had reason to take care: but, being none of these, mirth's my witness, an I had twice so many cares as you have, I'd drown them all in a cup of sack. Come, come, let's try it: I muse your parcel of a soldier returns not all this while.