Baba Brinkman - Creationist Cousins 2.0 lyrics

Humans are descended from ape-like ancestors That's a scientific fact, but some people still question it Darwin does have detractors, religious detractors Not scientific detractors, don't get the sh** backwards And when they question I listen, they say: “If we came from Monkeys, then how come there's monkeys still in existence?” Well how about this: I'm descended from Dutch immigrants But I still have second cousins who live in the Netherlands They're not my ancestors; naw, they're my relatives Since we have common genetic elements Inherited from our great grandparents, things like freckles And fair complexions and linguistic dexterousness But if you got back far enough, humans are all relatives And some of my relatives are religious fundamentalists Approximately twenty percent of them And at the dinner table we debate statistics … Creationist cousins, they're my relations, I love ‘em But when they talk about Jesus and Revelations and Judges I've gotta take it up with them ‘Cause there's a better explanation for the place that we come from, okay? Creationist cousins, they're my relations, I love ‘em But at the dinner table we get on some crazy discussions I'm always questioning their basic a**umptions And saying, “yes I believe we came from monkeys, okay?” So I say “Creationism is unscientific Ninety nine percent of practicing scientists think evolution Is the best explanation for living systems There's overwhelming empirical evidence!” And they say “Baba, it's not a scientific consensus If a significant one percent is still dissenting And risking black-listing in bold resistance To this fascist conspiracy to promote secularism And I say “Great, they can challenge the system If they can show us they have the evidence with them” And they “Evidence can be twisted And your presuppositions are materialistic Maybe the evidence scientists say they've collected Just proves that God wants our faith to be tested!” So I say “But that means your benevolent God Is the architect of a ma**ive intellectual fraud! So either evolution is the victim of a frame job Which explains all of its predictive successes Or we have to take God out of the scientific method Otherwise he looks a bit deceptive… snap Creationist cousins they're my relations I love ‘em But when they talk about how fossils all came from the flood I gotta take it up with them, ‘cause there's a better explanation For the place that they come from, okay? Creationist cousins they're my relations I love ‘em ‘Cause they gave me the patience to engage in discussions With people who believe in stuff that's made up Without calling them crazy or dunces, okay? And that's when my sister steps in and says “Baba, the Western scientific method Is just as subjective as every other cultural tradition Except it's just better at pretending to be objective All behaviour is socially-constructed Gender roles have nothing to do with genitals They're just a way for men to control women's goals And try to turn us all into Playboy centerfolds Haven't you heard about that tribe in the Amazon Where the woman does the man's jobs and plants the crops And brings home the food for the man to wash? Um, I can't remember exactly what that clan is called But I know it's a published fact Because I read about it in my Women's Studies cla** And it proves that gender is a socially constructed act So how does your theory explain that?” And all I can do is come back with more statistics About human s**ual dimorphism And male versus female reproductive investments And, let's just say, the discussions are endless Creationist cousins they're my relations I love ‘em My gender feminist sister and my shamanist brother And my dad with his reiki practice and my naturopathic mother But I'm a rational f**er, okay? Creationist cousins they're my relations I love ‘em ‘Cause they gave me the patience to engage in discussions With people who believe in stuff that's blatantly made up Without calling them crazy or dunces, okay? So sometime I come across as a bit of an arsehole But I'm not impartial – it's not about who's is impartial; It's about how much evidence you can marshal And how you deliver the parcel And when my relatives argue, I have to have faith That we can reach the genuine article in a rational way That's a different kind of faith than my cousins have In divine creation, but hey, to all of my relatives And fellow primates, I say If it makes you feel better, go head and pray In fact, here's how I pray in a secular way I say, “I have creationist relatives and relative apes And I wish them all happiness, whatever their faith And I wish myself patience, since I relish debates Let us all be respectful and still tell it straight” Okay? Okay?