Aziz Ansari - Simple Man Cruise lyrics

I'm originally from South Carolina. (tons of cheers from the crowd) Thank you! (responds to crowd cheers) My brother sent me something that really reminded me of how crazy it is down there. The thing he sent me was a promo video for this thing called ‘The Simple Man Cruise' and this is this cruise ship where they get all these Southern rock bands, like 38 Special, The Marshall Tucker Band, Lynard Skynard, and they throw them on a boat and all these rednecks get on board. Then they set out to sea and it's scary as sh**. Cause I've never seen rednecks like this before. I lived in South Carolina for eighteen years and never saw people like this. This one dude gets on the screen he's like, “Aw man you can swing a dead cat around here and you're bound to hit a good guitar player.” What the hell does that mean? I don't know but I like the way this guy talks. I want him to review everything for me in my life like when I need an opinion I'll go to him like “Hey man, I was thinking about buying some new CD's from that new music store down on like Sunset, is that a good place to buy music?” (speaks in Southern accent in order to appear as a redneck) “Aw hell man you can go on there, sling a pot of cream corn, someone's bound to land on some great new and used CD's. You might get a little corn on your CD's but that's easy to clean off, especially if you've got a biscuit.” Ok man I was thinking about buying a Prius is that a good car to get? (speaks in Southern accent again) “Aw man here's what you need to do, you need to go down to the woods and find two opossums. Pick them up, turn them into puppets be like ‘Hey man, I was thinking about buying a Prius, is that a good car to get?' (uses his right hand as an imaginary opossum) ‘I don't know nothing about cars I'm just a opossum.'” That answers your question, yeah. “Hey man I was thinking about buying a LCD TV, is it a good time to buy a LCD TV? (Speaks in Southern accent again) “Here's what you need to do man, go down to that electronics store on La Brea, jerk off in twelve biscuits, sling ‘em around, one of them is bound to hit a great LCD TV. You might catch a little hell for what you did to those biscuits but you're gonna get a great deal.” (Grins for an extended period of time at the audience)