INT. SAM'S HOUSE: FOYER [Sam and Andrew enter the house and her dogs and two large dogs hop on and begin barking at Andrew.]
SAM
Kevin, down. Mom! Come on. Kick him in the balls. Kick him in the balls. Mom!
OLIVIA
All right! Everybody down! Who wants to eat? Do you want to eat? Then get the f** off him. Kevin! Get off! [Dogs get off of Andrew and leave]. I'm so sorry. We just don't have the time to train them. Who's got the time to train them?
SAM
Mom, this is Andrew.
OLIVIA
Welcome. Welcome. I'm sorry the place is a wreck. Honey, I asked you to get the metal wheel out of the hamster cage.
SAM
I forgot.
OLIVIA
Well, you forgot and now Jelly's dead. Luckily, I got Peanut bu*ter out in time. We have to get the only hamsters on planet Earth...who can't figure out a stupid hamster wheel. There's a tin box on the kitchen counter. You can do the honors. I have to get to work. It's nice to meet you. Andrew, right?
ANDREW
Yes.
OLIVIA
Andrew. Very nice to meet you. Samantha, put the clothes in the dryer and bury Jelly.
INT. SAM'S LIVING ROOM
SAM
So this is it.
ANDREW
It's nice.
SAM
No, it's not. Don't say that just 'cause you can't think of anything else.
ANDREW
I'm not. I'm not. It's... It's very cozy.
ANDREW
You guys are a little early on the tree though.
SAM
Yeah, we never got around to taking it down. When it got to be fall again, we figured, "Just leave it up." Oh, my God. You're totally freaked out. You're totally freaked out right now. You, like, can't wait to leave.
ANDREW
I'm not. I'm not. I like it. It's very nice.
SAM
Well, you wanna see my room?
ANDREW
Sure.
SAM
Hey.
TITEMBAY
Hey.
SAM
Titembay, this is my friend Andrew. Andrew, this is my brother, Titembay.
ANDREW
Hi. It's very nice to meet you.
TITEMBAY
Oh, it's nice to meet you. I'm sorry about Jelly.
SAM
Oh, that's okay.
TITEMBAY
I saved some mac and cheese for you. It's in the fridge.
SAM
Thank you.
TITEMBAY
Anyway, I'm late for cla**. It's nice meeting you.
ANDREW
Very nice to meet you.
SAM
See you later.
INT. SAM'S BEDROOM
SAM
So here we are. It's nothing fancy, but you know... What? [Sam starts to clean her bed.]
ANDREW
Uh, it's... Titembay, right?
SAM
Yeah, it's weird, huh? You're, like, so freaked out right now. You're running for the door. It's okay. You can go. Don't feel bad. It's really...
ANDREW
Stop doing that.
SAM
What?
ANDREW
The whole thing you just did. I wanna be here. If I didn't, I wouldn't be. Trust me, my family is way more f**ed up than yours. Okay?
SAM
Okay.
ANDREW
So, Titembay.
SAM
Yeah, he's my brother.
ANDREW
Is he adopted or...
SAM
Kind of. My mom adopted him from Sally Struthers like years ago. One of those "For the cost of a cup of coffee a day" sort of things. Where she's like, "How can you just sit there and not help the children?" And we couldn't. We just couldn't sit there and not help the children. So we start sending him like pictures and letters and stuff for years, but then I got really into ice-skating, so we sort of forgot about him. Then one day we get this phone call and it's Titembay. And he's at the dry cleaners around the corner. And he's like, "I'm at Rutgers. I live in the dorms, but I'm used to living with my tribe so I'd rather live with a family." And he's been living with us ever since.
ANDREW
Wow.
SAM
Yeah. I know. He's the most amazing guy. You gotta hear his stories. He struggled through so much because he wanted to learn. When I think of what he's accomplished, I just...I just feel, like, lazy. You know? He's studying criminal justice at Rutgers, and when he was a baby, he was one of those kids with, like, the flies all over his face.
ANDREW
Wow.
SAM
I mean, i-it's a crazy story. Yeah, I know. I mean, that's a true story. I am not that good. This is Tickle. What is Tickle? Tickle's my favorite thing in the whole world. It's all that's left of Nanny, my blanket. Tickle's all that remains.
ANDREW
Mm-hmm. Was there like a hurricane or something?
SAM
Shut up. No, I mean, I've had this since I was a baby. It's what they brought me home in from the hospital.
ANDREW
It's like the Wailing Wall.
SAM
What?
ANDREW
Uh, the Wailing Wall is like this, uh...It's like the most holy place For Jews to go and pray in Israel. It's all that's left of this enormous temple that was destroyed by the Romans.
SAM
So you're like really Jewish.
ANDREW
What?
SAM
You are, aren't you? You are.
ANDREW
No, I'm not. l-I'm Jewish, but I'm not really Jewish. I don't do anything Jewish. I don't go to temple or anything. But I don't know any Jews that go to temple. The Jews I know, they go on one day. It's Yom Kippur, the Day of Repentance.
SAM
Okay.
ANDREW
Did you know that most temples are built with moveable walls? So that on the one day of the year when everyone comes to repent, they can actually make the room big enough to hold everyone?
SAM
I don't really believe in God.
ANDREW
Just Tickle?
SAM
Oh, I believe in Tickle. We're not gonna make out or anything.
ANDREW
What?
SAM
I'm sorry. I just totally ruined that moment, didn't I?
ANDREW
No, no.
SAM
It's just that we're not gonna make out, okay?
ANDREW
Oh, no, I hadn't planned on trying…
SAM
Oh, my...I am so lame. That was like really... I am... I'm sorry. Forget I just said that. I am... That was dumb. And... You know what I do when I feel completely unoriginal?
ANDREW
What?
SAM
♫ La, blah, blah Blah, la, la ♫
I make a noise or I do something that no one has ever done before. And then I can feel unique again even if it's only for like a second.
ANDREW
So, no one's ever done that?
SAM
No, not in this spot. No. You just witnessed a completely original moment in history. It's refreshing. You should try it.
ANDREW
Oh, no. Thanks.
SAM
No, come on.
ANDREW
I think that was good enough for both of us.
SAM
Come on. What are you, shy? This is your one opportunity to do something that no one has done before and that no one will copy again throughout human existence. A-And if nothing else, you'll be remembered as the one guy who-ever did this. This one thing.
ANDREW
Uh...How was that?
SAM
Oh, I've done that one before.