The first time I ate avocado was so amazing that I came
And that was the first time that I came
So the only thing I could compare it to is the taste of avocado.
Pretty much the same
The first time I got high
I ran into my friend's bedroom
And I hung onto each corner of the mattress
Because I knew that I would be flung into space if I didn't hold tight
Two years before that I went to my first concert
I was high all night
And the first time someone clapped for me on stage
I floated three inches off the pavement walking home
Only one girl has ever really wrapped my stomach into pretzels
She didn't give me bu*terflies
She gave me pterodactyls
I'm talking terrible internal bruising
And the first time I kissed her was like the first time I saw fireworks
Which was like the sky first kissing me in the eyeballs
In high school the self-defense counselor taught us
That to defend ourselves against a rapist
By sticking a thumb into the corner of his eye socket
And popping it out like a grape
Babe, for the chance to be with you
I would pop my own eyeballs out and say, "Here. I only have eyes for you."
So everywhere you went you'd carry me around in your pocket
And every time you pulled out a handful of loose change
I'd get to wink at you and a thousand miles away
You would think of how charming I am
Me- weaving blindly through LA traffic. You- in some bullsh** other place
But you shouldn't leave first times until the end of summer
Because you went off to college, years pa**ed
And I realized I was the only one calling anymore
And that first kiss hardened into the last
My love: retarded, preserved, a pterodactyl in a tar pit
The music over before it started, a lost guitar pick
I've stopped trying to match it, searching for that magical attachment
Because marriages are not f**ing Disney
Bad marriages are sandcastles
Good marriages are McDonald's hamburgers
You can leave a good marriage on a plate in the sun for fifty years
And it stays pretty much the same
They key, I hear, is to fight routine
To make the smallest moments gleam and mean something
And if you ever feel yourself fading
Face paint your old and aging creased-up cheeks gold-plated
With a jar of first-time and if you need a youthful spruce-up
Just grab a tube of that new juice and lube up
And if you're hurting just rub the good stuff where you're burning
But a word of warning
The first time tends to make the bad times worse
There's the rub
It doesn't make things better, just louder
It amplifies a murmur... er-er
Great is greater. Greater is greaterer.
And broke... is broker. Bone... is bo*er
It's not a perfect formula
But the first time that I kissed you, the door of your crappy Civic
Already half-open, you said "I'm glad you did that."
And I have a feeling that, for you, it wasn't a first-time
It was a "this one time."
But I will remember that moment for the rest of my life
Even if I have to arm wrestle Alzheimer's for it
And if I ever get a chance to kiss you again, you know, a second time
I'm gonna stick my tongue out and lick you right across your face
Because I've already kissed you. But I never licked you
And you'll say, "Ugh. Why did you do that?"
And I'll say, "Hey s**y.
Did someone slap you across the face with a banana slug
Or is that a big shiny trail of first-time on your cheek.
Maybe we can go back to my place and gets some first-time on the sheets."
It's worth it
After all, there's nothing like the first time
The first time's always perfect