[HELEN]
He wants the Hepplewhite suite chairs back in the parlor
Move the G.I. Joe, it can't be on the floor
He wants the Dresden figurines back in the breakfront.A slinky messes up the period decor
Get the Lemon Pledge and dust the–-
They should face the same direction
He wants it vacuumed, the surface gleaming
He wants it closer to the doorHe wants, he wants, he wants--
He wants the bra** candelabra set at an angle
The crayons and the glue should go back in the drawer
He wants the bust of Quixote square on the mantel
Sweep that lint away, it's what a broom is for
Gently wipe the eucalyptus
Polish up the crystal prisms
When he comes down here, he wants it ready
We've got to get it done before
He wants, he wants, he wants–-
[BRUCE]
Where's my bronzing stick?
[HELEN]
It's in the–-
[BRUCE]
{slams door}
[ALISON]
Welcome to our house on Maple Avenue!See how we polish and we shine?
We rearrange and realign
Everything is balanced and sereneLike chaos never happens if it's never seen
[ALISON & HELEN]
Every need, we anticipate and fill
And still…
[SMALL ALISON & HELEN]
He wants the real feather-duster used on the bookcase
[JOHN & HELEN]
Find all the books we read, and carefully restored
[CHRISTIAN & HELEN]
He wants them alphabetized by cla**ification
[HELEN]
A volume out of place could start a third world war
[KIDS & HELEN]
That's an inch out of position!
Watch it, that's a first edition!
[HELEN]
What are we missing?
What have we left out?
When he comes down here, what's in store?
[HELEN & SMALL ALISON]
He wants, he wants, he wants--
[HELEN, JOHN & CHRISTIAN]
Welcome to our house on Maple[SMALL ALISON & ALISON]
Avenue.Welcome to our house on Maple
See how we polish and we Avenue
Shine? See how we polish and we
We rearrange and shine?
RealignWe rearrange and
realign
Everything is[BRUCE]
Balanced andEverything is
Serenebalanced andEverything is
Like chaos neverserenebalanced and
HappensLike chaos neverserene
If it's neverhappensLike chaos never
Seenif it's neverhappens
seenif it's never
seen
[ALL]
We're a typical family quintet
[HELEN]
And yet…
[BRUCE]
Not too bad, if I say so myself
I might still break a heart or two
Sometimes if the fire burns so hot
I don't know what I'll do
Not too bad, if I say so myself
[BRUCE & ALISON]
Not too bad
[BRUCE]
Mrs. Baulkner!
It's a pleasure to meet you
Come on in![KIDS]
Obviously it's still a work in progress.Do do do do do
Ah, yes, yes,Do do do do do
I did all the work myself,Do do do do do
That's how we were able to afford the place. do do do
No, no.Do do do do do
Historic restoration is an avocation.Do do do do do
That is very flattering!Do do do do do
I teach English at Beach Creek High,Do do do do do
And the Bechdel Funeral HomeDo do do do do
Is our family business,Do do do do do
So I'm also a funeral director.Do do do do do
You have a keen eye!Do do do do do
This, I found yesterday What is he after
In the dump!
Isn't it–uh[ALISON]What are we doing
Actually, I believeIt Right foot is tapping
Rococo Revival. all comesthat means he's stewing
Absolutely! back!Stay very still and
Would you like one maybe we'll please him
With the family?
Kids! Mrs. Baulkner would ItMake one wrong move, and
Like to take a photo! all comesdemons will seize him
(Hello! Anybody home?)back! Try hard, what else is family
I'll be there in a minute!for?
Oh, a young man who helps out
With the yard work.He wants, he wants, he wants
[ALISON]
He wants more
Caption:
My dad and I both grew up
In the same, small Pennsylvania town
And he was gay, and I was gay
And he k**ed himself
And I…
Became a lesbian cartoonist