ALL
Ahh, ahh, ahh, ahh, ahh
Festival medley, festival medley
JEFF and SUSAN
Lots of things are happening
At the festival in September
Lots of people are coming
To watch us do our stuff
HEIDI and HUNTER
Our pants are what we're crapping
At the festival in September
We're nervous as holy hell
ALL
And did we do enough
To get someone
With money
SUSAN
To like us?
JEFF
Trust us?
HUNTER
Back us?
HEIDI
Love us?
SUSAN
(spoken)
Happy opening, y'all. Hey, naked
HUNTER
Stop. I'm waiting until the last minute to put on my shirt because
I get sweaty under my left pit when I'm nervous
SUSAN
That is specific
HEIDI
You should go onstage like that
HUNTER
I would never go onstage without my shirt. We should have Jeffy take his shirt off
JEFF
I'm not taking my shirt off
HUNTER
Yeah, take your shirt off and we'll start the scene over
Heidi, you take your top off too
HEIDI
Hunter, I'm not going to take off my top
HUNTER
Both of you, take off your f**ing shirts so we can sell some tickets to the show!
SUSAN
Yeah!
HUNTER
That's hot
SUSAN
Now y'all, kiss. Serious y'all, kiss
JEFF
Okay, that's ridiculous. I'm not gonna kiss her
SUSAN
I'll kiss her
HUNTER
Oh my god, this show has everything! Half naked guys and girl on girl action!
SUSAN and HEIDI
(sung)
Festival medley
JEFF and HUNTER
Vegetable medley
HUNTER and JEFF
TV actors in out show
What could be sweeter
We could get that woman who was one "Empty Nest"...
HEIDI
(spoken)
Hey Swa**on...are you okay?
SUSAN
No, Heidi, I'm bummed we only have four more of these
I like doing the show. It balances out my day job which is k**ing me softly
I wrote this song sitting at my desk today...I'd like to sing it...for you now...
(sung)
Can't you see that I'm dying inside?
Can't you see that I'm dying inside?
If you shined a flashlight in my bu*t you'd see
I'm dying inside
HUNTER and JEFF
(simultaneously)
Are we writing for
Are we writing for
Are we writing for
Are we writing for
SUSAN and HEIDI
Inside!
HUNTER and HEIDI
Festival medley
SUSAN and JEFF
Festival medley
HUNTER and HEIDI
Festival medley
SUSAN and JEFF
Festival medley...
HUNTER
(spoken)
Has your mom come to every show?
JEFF
Every one
HUNTER
My mom is here tonight
JEFF
Oh my god, that's right
HUNTER
I'm nervous. All that stuff about p**n and f** this and f** that, and masturbating...
JEFF
Oh please, like your mom has never masturbated
HUNTER
Oh my god
HUNTER and HEIDI
(sung)
Festival medley
SUSAN and JEFF
Festival medley
HUNTER and HEIDI
Festival medley
ALL
Thirty-one
JEFF and HEIDI
Musicals in a scuffle
At the festival in September
All competing for ticket sales
And coverage in the press
SUSAN and HUNTER
(simultaneously)
Ahh
SUSAN and HUNTER
We don't wanna get
Lost in the shuffle
At the festival in September
But we're gonna get lost in the shuffle
JEFF and HEIDI
(simultaeously)
Ahh
ALL
That is unless
HEIDI and JEFF
There is someone
HUNTER and SUSAN
Someone
ALL
With notoriety
SUSAN
To like us
JEFF
Trust us
HUNTER
Need us
ALL
Love us!
HUNTER
(spoken) Hello?
JEFF
Hey, we got a bad review
HUNTER
I thought we agreed not to read reviews. What did it say?
JEFF
Well, it was like "the script is a sign of bad things to come" and "the songs were forgettable"...
HUNTER
You can't believe reviews. Wait, I'm getting another call
JEFF
Don't go away, I'm needy!
HUNTER
Hello?
HEIDI
Hunter, did you see it?
HUNTER
See what?
HEIDI
Hunter, page 2, Friday Times, Weekend section. They loved us!
HUNTER
What? Oh my god! Hey, Jeff's on the other line. Hang on
HEIDI
Okay
HUNTER
Jeff, we got a good review in The New York Times
JEFF
What?
HUNTER
Yeah! Page two, weekend section! This is so awesome!
JEFF
Wait a second, I thought you said not to read or believe that stuff
HUNTER
That was some bullsh** I pulled out of my a** to make us feel better
Hey, let's conference in the girls. Heidi?
HEIDI
Hunter?
JEFF
Heidi?
HEIDI
Jeffery?
HUNTER
Susan?
SUSAN
Hunter?
JEFF
Susan?
SUSAN
Jeffy?
HEIDI
Susan?
SUSAN
Heidi?
ALL
Yay! Party line!
HUNTER
Hey, Susan, we got a good review in The New York Times!
SUSAN
Awesome! The Gray Lady, baby
HUNTER
Jeff, what was that bad review in anyway?
JEFF
Broadway.com
HUNTET
Broadway.com? Broadway.com can kneel down, open its online mouth and s** my
SUSAN, JEFF, and HEIDI
(sung)
Festival Medley
HUNTER
(spoken)
...it can s** my f**ing co*k!
ALL
(sung)
Festival medley
Lots of things are
Happening at the festival
Everywhere you turn
There's a fuss!
There's mayhem abounding
At the festival in September
Lots of things are happening
They're happening...
There's no stopping the momentum
Of the festival in September
Who knows what
Will all come from
The festival in September
Aaaah
It's the final show
Aaaah
At the festival
Aaaah
Said it's the final show
Aaaah
At the festival
ALL
(spoken)
That was amazing! Woo-hoo! Etc...
HUNTER
You guys, we had fancy producer and industry people here tonight
HEIDI
Oh my gosh, well get out there and go schmooze with them!
JEFF
Wish us luck!
HEIDI and SUSAN
Ahh! Sluck, sluck, sluck!
Good luck! Good luck!