Susan:
There are some people in the world who say that writing stories
Or composing music or dancing sparkly dances is easy for them
Nothing interferes with their ability to create
While I celebrate their creative freedom
A little part of me just wants to punch those motherf**ers in the teeth
This song, I sing this song for you guys and for all the rest of us. Help me out y'all
Backup:
We'll sing backup
Susan:
You have a story to tell, a novel you keep in a drawer
Backup:
Old sock drawer!
Susan:
You have a painting to paint, but you lazy like an old French who*e
Backup:
Je suis who*e
Susan:
You have a movie to make, Shrinky Dinks you can bake
But you best grab a stake, cause
In sweep the vampires, in creep the vampires, knee deep in vampires
Filling you with doubt. Insecurity, 'bout what you art should be
In sweep the vampires
All:
Die vampire
Susan:
You sketched that turtle you saw in an ad on late-night cable TV
Backup:
Tippy Turtle!
Susan:
But your fourth grade teacher said
Female Backup:
You can't draw
Susan:
Aww, those vampires just won't let you be
Backup:
f** you Ms. Johnson, Word!
Susan:
And when they come run like hell, see those bats in your belfry, then call on Van Helsing
Susan:
In swoosh
Backup:
Ooh, the vampires
Susan:
In a whoosh
Backup:
Ooh, the vampires
Susan:
Babaganoosh
Backup:
Ooh, all the vampires
Susan:
Filling you with thoughts of
Backup:
Self consciousness
Susan:
Feelings of
Backup:
Worthlessness
Susan:
They'll make you
Backup:
Second guess
Die vam-
All:
-pire!
There are so many vampires, inside, outside, and nationwide
It helps to recognize them with this vampire hunting guide!
Listen closely
A vampire is any person or thought or feeling
That stands between you and your creative self expression
But they can a**ume many seductive forms
Here's a few of them!
Backup:
Tell us Susan!
Susan:
First up are you pigmy vampires
They'll swarm around you head like gnats and say things like:
Male Backup:
Your teeth need whitening
Female Backup:
You went to state school?
Male Backup:
You sound weird
All:
Shakespeare, Sondheim, Sedaris
Susan:
Did it before you and better than you, or they might say that you cannot
Sing good enough to be in a musical, or they might say:
Backup:
Ooh, your song's derivative
Ooh, your song's derivative
Ooh, your song's derivative
Susan:
To keep that song from you! Just tell them:
Backup:
Die vampire, die!
Susan:
Brothers and sisters, next up is the air freshener vampire
She might look like you mama, or your old fat-a**, fat aunt Fanny
She smells something unpleasant in what you're creating
She'll urge you to:
Backup:
(Spraying sound)
Susan:
It with some pine fresh smell 'em ups
The air freshener vampire doesn't want you to write about
Backup:
Bad language, blood, or blow jobs
Susan:
She wants you to clean it up and clean it out
Which will leave your work toothless, gutless, and crotchless
But, you'll be left with two tight paragraphs
All kittens that your grandma would be so proud of
You look at that air freshener vampire in her fat a**, fat old f**in' face and you say
All:
(Chanting)
Susan:
The last vampire is the mother of all vampires and that is the vampire of despair
It'll wake you up at 4am to say things like:
Backup:
Who do you think you're kidding?
You look like a fool
No matter how hard you try, you'll never be good enough
Susan:
Why is it that if some dude walked up to me on the subway platform
And said these things, I'd think he was a mentally ill a**hole
But if the vampire inside my head says it
It's the voice of reason
Backup:
You have a story to tell, pull your novel out of that sock drawer!
You have a painting to paint, you best paint it and then paint some more!
Susan:
Oh baby, you must escape and grab it by the nape of its neck, by the trachea
f**in' break it, go on drive a stake in
Yeah there's no mistaking, now you're shake and bakin'
All:
Die, vampire
I said, "Die, vampire"
I said, "Now die vam-pi-re, die!"
All:
In fly the vampires, oh my the vampires, then die the vampires
Filling you with life, creativity, all that you heart should be, out go the vampires
Die vampire, die vampire, die vampire, die!