[JOE]
(As the crowd in the theatre applauds.)
Listen to that!
Did you listen to that?
Do you know what that means?
Let me tell you what that means
Wait, no, anyone who even thinks it
Don't say it, you'll jinx it!
[FRANK]
Listen to that!
Will you listen to that?
Does that make you feel proud?
Well, feel more than just proud
Okay, wait, I'll tempt fate
And I'll state it out loud:
That, unless I miss my guess, is:
I can't stand it!
Listen!
Yes!
That's the sound of a hit!
It's a hit!
Gang, I think this is it!
No more writing clever little shows
For those basement saloons
No more proclamations from the pros
That "you can't hum the tunes"
[MARY]
No more sneaking in at intermission
To the plays you wish you could afford
[FRANK]
Or producers having you audition
Whenever they're bored
[CHARLEY]
And who'll say
Right away
As you play
The first chord:
"Boys, that's just great
But next time, don't be so clever"
[ALL]
We're a hit! We're a hit!
[JOE]
You're ahead, you should quit
[FRANK]
No more coaching those sopranos
With voices like bees
[CHARLEY]
No more secondhand pianos
With six broken keys
[MARY]
No more agents giving you opinions
While they turn you over to their minions
[ALL]
Just for these
Guarantees
We should please
Thank the Lord
It's a hit! It's a hit!
[MARY]
(to Frank)
Will your in-laws just spit!
After all of that baloney
They've made you go through
All that muttering that you're a phony
'Cause what do you do?
Will their faces be stony
When they see on their Sony
Someone handing the phony
The Tony
Award!
(Mary gives Frank an umbrella to serve as a microphone.)
[FRANK, spoken]
I would like to begin by thanking everyone who turned down everything I have written so I could win this!
(Audience applauds.)
[ALL]
It's a hit!
[JOE]
Hold it
Folks, there's still the reviews left
Both the Trib and the News left
Early
Surly
Not a good sign
Also, even if there's a chance, folks
Let's not forget the advance, folks
Not a
Lotta
Cash, folks
[CHARLEY]
Also, even if it's a smash, folks
Doesn't that mean we sell out?
[JOE]
Well, I hope we sell out
[CHARLEY]
What I mean is sell out
Well, you know
Success is like failure
It's how you perceive it
It's what you do with it
Not how you achieve it
And I can't believe it's a hit!
(Audience applauds.)
It's a hit! It's a hit!
It's a-
[FRANK]
Listen to that!
Will you listen to that?
Tell me, is that a noise
Or is that a noise?
That is the noise we've been
Waiting the whole of our lives to hear! [CHARLEY]
Listen to that!
Would you listen to that?
Buddy
Is that a noise
Or is that a noise?
Where's the machine?
Gotta get it on tape for our wives to hear! [FRANK]
Listen to that!
I can't
Stand it! [MARY]
(Turns on the tape recorder.)
Listen to that!
That's obscene! [JOE]
Listen to that!
Fellas, that is a noise that is really a noise!
I can't stand it!
Will you
Listen to that? [CHARLEY]
Listen to that!
Did you listen to that?
I can't stand it!
Did you listen to that?
Listen to that! [MARY]
That's a noise that is really a
Listen to that!
Will you listen to that?
Golly, I can't
Stand it! [FRANK]
Listen to that!
That is the noise I've been waiting my life to hear!
Listen to that!
Listen to that!
Will you
Listen to that! [ALL]
Will you listen to that?
That's the sound of an audience losing its mind!
It's the pope on his balcony, blessing mankind!
[JOE]
Folks, it's Funny Girl, Fiddler, and Dolly combined!
[ALL]
It's a hit! It's a hit!
It's a palpable hit!
[FRANK & CHARLEY]
If it only even runs a minute
At least it's a wedge
It's the theatre and we're really in it
Not just on the edge!
[JOE]
If your spirits ever need improving
You can drop in any night for free!
[FRANK]
(looking at Charley)
But the thing that's positively moving-
[CHARLEY]
(to Frank)
You could have fooled me
[FRANK & CHARLEY]
Is that we're still good friends!
Nothing can k** good friends!
Where there's a will, good friends
Don't need success to survive!
[ALL]
And us, good friends
What's to discuss, good friends!
We've got a
Surefire
Genuine
Walkaway
Blockbuster
Lines down to Broadway
Boffola
Sensational
Box office
Lallapalooza
Gargantuan hit!
It's a hit!
It's a hit! It's a hit! It's a hit! It's a hit!
It's a hit! It's a hit! It's a hit! It's a hit!