Joe:
This is the season
My name is Wednesday, my partner is Frank Jones, the chief is Captain Kellogg
December the 24th, Christmas Eve, they brought in a guy named Grudge
When I heard what they booked him on, my blood ran cold
It was a 4096325-dash-096704: not believing in Santa Claus
4:35 P.M. I was working the holiday watch out of Homicide with Frank
Frank:
Hang up your stocking yet, Joe?
Joe:
Yeah, just before I come down. You, too, Frank?
Frank:
Always do. Hung it up early just in case I have to work late tonight. Wouldn't wanna miss out on when Santy Claus comes, you know
Joe:
Mm-hmm. Sure wouldn't. Would be a shame
Frank:
Whatcha gonna do tomorrow, Joe? Whatcha gonna do on Christmas? Ya got any plans?
Joe:
Nothing much
Frank:
Why don't you come by the house, Joe? We're gonna have Christmas dinner. You know, all the trimmings
Joe:
Mm-hmm
Frank:
Turkey, celery, stuffing, oysters maybe, chestnuts
Joe:
Mm-hmm
Frank:
All the trimmings. Cranberry sauce. Love to have ya
Joe:
Mm-hmm
Frank:
The Mrs. always fixes a plate of relish with them little carrot sticks
You know, olives, pickles, scallions
Most folks call them green onions, but they're really scallions
Do you ever notice that, Joe?
Joe:
Ever notice what, Frank?
Frank:
How most folks call them green onions, but they're really scallions
Joe:
Mm-hmm. Scallions
Frank:
Anytime after two, Joe. Love to have ya
Joe:
Mm-hmm. Well, I'll see
Frank:
Love to have ya
Joe:
Mm-hmm. Well, I'll see
Frank:
The Mrs. always fixes a plate of relish with them carrot sticks
You know them little carrot sticks?
Joe:
Mm-hmm
Frank:
Olives, pickles, scallions
Joe:
Mm-hmm. Let's not go through that again
Frank:
Love to have ya. Go through what again, Joe?
Joe:
How most folks call them green onions, but they're really scallions
Frank:
Oh. You noticed that, too, huh, Joe?
(telephone rings)
Joe:
Homicide, Wednesday
Mm-hmm, mm-hmm, mm-hmm, mm-hmm, mm-hmm, mm-hmm
(hangs up)
Frank:
'S the matter, Joe? 'S the matter, Joe?
Joe:
Bringing a guy in on a 409635-dash-096704
Frank:
You-you mean...
Joe:
Yeah. Guy don't believe in scallions. I mean Santa Claus
6:29 P.M. We questioned the guy who didn't believe in Santa Claus: a guy named Grudge
Says here your name's Grudge, that right?
Grudge:
Yeah
Joe:
Said you didn't believe in Santa Claus?
Frank:
It's hard to believe what you said. Did you really say that?
Grudge:
Sure I said it. How do you know there's a Santy Claus?
Ya got a picture of him?
Joe:
No, no mug shot
Grudge:
Any fingerprints?
Joe:
Mnh-mnh, no latent prints. I just know, that's all
I't's like saying there isn't an Easter Bunny
Grudge:
That's another guy there ain't no of!
Joe:
Mm-hmm. Well, that's your story, mister
Frank:
Joe, he just said that to make me feel bad, didn't he?
There really is an Easter Bunny, isn't there? Joe?
Joe:
Listen, Grudge, didn't I pick you up three years ago on a 1492 for not believing in Columbus?
Grudge:
Yeah! I don't believe in Cleveland or Cincinnati, either
Joe:
How about Toledo?
Grudge:
I, uh, I ain't made up my mind yet about Toledo
Joe:
Okay, mister, I get the picture now
You don't believe in nothin', do ya?
Grudge:
Nothin'! And you wanna know somethin' else?
Joe:
What's that?
Grudge:
I'm gonna get up, and I'm gonna walk right out of this room, 'cause you guys ain't got nothin' on me
There ain't no law against not believin' in Santy Claus
Joe:
There is in my book
Let me tell you somethin', mister, I'm gonna prove there's a Santa Claus if it takes me all night
Grudge:
Huh! Pretty funny. The police department's got nothin' else to do
Joe:
Let me straighten you out, buddy. This one's on Frank and me
Right, Frank? Right, Frank?
Frank:
There really is an Easter Bunny, isn't there, Joe?
You know, hippety-hoppin' down the bunny trail?
Joe:
I took Grudge over to the helicopter. Got in, flew around the city for hours
I showed him department stores
What's hurrying in and out of those department stores, Grudge?
Grudge:
Happy people, but I ain't impressed
Joe:
I showed him stockings
How are those stockings hung, Grudge?
Grudge:
By the chimney with care. But I didn't hang none up
Joe:
I showed him children nestled all snug in their beds
What's dancing in their heads, Grudge?
Grudge:
Visions of sugarplums
But you ain't sellin' me. There ain't no Santy Claus
Joe:
He still didn't believe. There was only one thing left to do
My job? Get to the North Pole
11:45 P.M. We arrived at the North Pole
I set the plane down, we walked over to Santy's workshop, rang the bell
(bell plays "Dragnet" theme)
Joe:
Pardon me, sir, can I ask you a few questions?
Brownie:
Why, sure. Just tickle me to d**h
Joe:
What do you do for a living?
Brownie:
I'm a brownie
Joe:
What are you doing at the North Pole with a Southern accent?
Brownie:
Well, the boss sorta ran short on help this year, so he had to recruit a few of us brownies from the South Pole
Joe:
Mm-hmm. That figures
Grudge:
Heh-heh! What a waste of time!
Joe:
Could we talk to your boss, please?
Brownie:
Oh, he's out. You would come on the one night he's out in the whole year
Joe:
Mm-hmm. What's your particular job, Mr. Brownie?
Brownie:
My boss has eight tiny reindeer. My job? Feed 'em
Joe:
Mm-hmm, yes, sir. What do ya feed 'em?
Brownie:
Well, most times I fix up a little plate of relish
Olives, pickles and them carrot sticks
You know them little ol' carrot sticks?
Joe:
Mm-hmm
Brownie:
And scallions
Joe and Brownie:
Most folks call them green onions, but they're really scallions
Brownie:
How'd you know?
Joe:
Just a stab in the dark
The little man showed us through the workshop
Brownie:
My boss'll be back for a second load pretty soon
Say, would you all like to hear an interestin' story?
Joe:
Yes, sir
Brownie:
Well, you see that huge pile of presents over there?
Joe:
Mm-hmm
Grudge:
Man, look at all that stuff!
Brownie:
Would you believe it? They're all for the same man
Been pilin' up here year after year
Joe:
Why didn't the guy ever get 'em?
Grudge:
Yeah! Why?
Brownie:
'Cause he didn't believe in my boss. You know the rules
Joe:
Mm-hmm. We know
Grudge:
I, uh, don't suppose there's no chance that this, this guy can still --
Brownie:
Get the presents? Oh, sure. He gets 'em all the minute he believes
But I don't suppose he ever will
Joe:
Too bad about that guy. What's his name?
Grudge:
Don't say it. I don't want to hear it
Joe:
Come on, Mr. Brownie. What's his name?
Brownie:
His name? Grudge
Joe:
The Brownie saw us to the door, wished us a merry Christmas
We were heading back to the plane when it happened
Grudge:
Hey!
Joe:
Yeah, Grudge?
Grudge:
You know that guy I said I didn't believe in?
Joe:
Who's that?
Grudge:
S-S-Santy Claus?
Joe:
Yes, sir?
Grudge:
You think I'm too old to change my mind?
Joe:
You're never too old, Mr. Grudge
Grudge:
Well then, I-I-I believe in Santy Claus. And Columbus
Joe:
How about Cleveland, Cincinnati, and the Easter Bunny?
Grudge:
Yeah, them, too
Joe:
And Toledo?
Grudge:
I-I still ain't made up my mind yet about Toledo!
(sleigh bells)
Joe:
Look, Grudge, up in the sky. He's coming back for the second load
Grudge:
It's Santy Claus! It's Santy Claus!
Joe:
There's the only guy I know can make everybody happy in one night
Grudge:
Yeah. He must have the biggest heart in the whole world
Joe:
That's about the size of it