Freberg: Just kidding, just kidding. But it's great to be with you tonight. We have a special--
Tweedly: Pardon me, Mr. Freberg, but my name is Tweedly
Freberg: Well, we all have our problems
Tweedly: I am the censor from the citizens radio committee. And, um... I feel--
Freberg: You uh... from the citizens radio committee, you say?
Tweedly: That's exactly what I said, yes. I--
Freberg: And what is your purpose in being here?
Tweedly: I must okay all the material used on your program here, and I think the best method is to just sit back here and interrupt when I feel it's necessary
Freberg: You mean you plan to stop me every time I do something that YOU think is wrong?
Tweedly: Exactly. I'll just sound my little horn like this (buzzer). And then you stop, and I'll tell you what's wrong
Freberg: Uh, somehow I can tell this is gonna be one of those days
Tweedly: You just go right ahead, Mr. Freberg. Don't mind me
Freberg: Yeah, now I'd like to sing-- (buzzer)
Tweedly: You forgot to say "thank you", Mr. Freberg. Politeness is an essential in radio programming. Your program goes into the home, we must be a good influence on... children
Freberg: Why, that's a darling little horn there
Tweedly: Mmm-hmm
Freberg: Thanks very much, Mr. Tweedly
Tweedly: You're welcome, I'm sure
Freberg: I'd like to sing a old river song in honor of this week of National Mississippi Riverboat Paddlewheel Week. Mr., may I, if you please?
Tweedly: Very polite, Mr. Freberg
Freberg: Thank you
Old man river, that old-- (buzzer)
All right, Tweedly, politeness I dig, but what in the world is wrong with "old man river"?
Tweedly: The word "old" has a connotation that some of the more elderly people find distasteful. I would suggest you make the substitution, please
Freberg: I suppose you insist
Tweedly: Precisely. You may continue
Freberg: Okay, music (buzzer)
Tweedly: You forgot to say--
Freberg: Thank you, yes, okay. Thank you, Mr. Tweedly
Tweedly: You're quite welcome, I am sure
Freberg:
Elderly man river, that elderly man river
He must know somethin', but he don't say nothin'. (buzzer)
All right, hold it, fellas. Now what, Tweedly?
Tweedly: The word "something", you left off the G
Freberg: But that's authentic. "Somethin'," "someTHIN'". That's the way the people... talk down there
Tweedly: I'm sorry. The home is a cla**room, Mr. Freberg
Freberg: I know, you said that
Tweedly: Keep in mind the tiny tots. And... But furthermore, think back. You'll recall that you said "but he don't say nothin'"
Freberg: Mmm-hmm
Tweedly: Now, really, Mr. Freberg, that's a double negative
Do you mean he DOES say something?
Freberg: No, I just wasn't using my head, I guess
Tweedly: I mean, after all, it should be grammatically correct, keeping in mind--
Freberg: The tiny tots, yes
Tweedly: You probably mean he doesn't say anything
Freberg: I don't-- I suppose I mean that, yes, I guess. All right, uh fine, you win. All right, Billy, music (buzzer). Thank you, thank you
Tweedly: You're welcome, I'm sure
Freberg:
Elderly man river, that elderly man river
He must know something, but he doesn't say anything
He just keeps rollin'-- rolling
He just keeps rolling along
He don't (buzzer) doesn't plant taters-- potatoes
He doesn't plant cotton/cotting
And then these/those that plants them are soon forgotting
But elderly man river, he just keeps rolling along
Tweedly: Excellent!
Freberg: Thank you
You and me-- (buzzer)
The uh, the tiny tots again, was it?
Tweedly: Exactly
Freberg: Sorry about that, here we go
You and I; we sweat, (buzzer) perspire and strain
Body's all aching and wracked with pain. Well, we got by that one
Tote that barge, lift that bail!
You get a little... [he slows down and stops here, since the rest of it is "drunk and you land in jail".]
Okay, take your finger off the bu*ton, Mr. Tweedly. We know when we're licked. Well, that concludes "Elderly Man River" (buzzer). Oh, yes, and thank you for being with us, Mr. Tweedly
Tweedly: You're welcome, I'm sure