JASON
Baruch, baruch atah
Baruch atah Adonai
Baruch atah Adonai eloheinu
Melech haolam
Asher kidshanu, asher kidshanu
V'tzivanu l'hitateif batzitzit
TRINA
Jason dear, hello
Are you packed and waiting?
But before we go
Let me talk with father alone
Now as the bar mitzvah nears-
Jason, put your Walkerman on and hum
Since this is the last loving thing
We'll probably ever do together
Let's act adult and not go crazy
MARVIN
Have you chosen yet who'll cater?
TRINA
What about it?
MARVIN
I know a person who can cater
TRINA
It's a personal opinion who should cater
MARVIN
Can we consider who's gonna cater?
TRINA
Shh!
MARVIN
Please?
TRINA
Shh!
MARVIN
Please?
TRINA
Shh!
MENDEL
Stop! This is so much crap
Throw a simple party!
Religion's just a trap
That ensnares the weak and the dumb
Stop with the prayers
TRINA
How can you stop with the prayers at a bar mitzvah?
MENDEL
The whole thing's voodoo
And I know more than you do!
MARVIN AND TRINA
This is the year of Jason's bar mitzvah!
We're more excited than we should be
This is the year of the child
When he spreads out his wings!
There's music in his heart!
His life's about to start!
His body's going wild!
My child
MARVIN
My child
TRINA
Our child
MENDEL
Children, please
Throw the kid a celebration and relax
I'll bring women from the wrong side of the tracks
We'll have a ball!
I guess I'll have to raise this Jason myself
MARVIN
Isn't he an a**hole?
TRINA-------------------------MENDEL
Yes, he is.---------------------My own bar mitzvah was
--------------------------------A miserable occasion
MARVIN
Isn't he too much?------------The cause for such
--------------------------------abrasion in my family
TRINA
Yes, but so are you
Really, kiddo, so are you.-----It still gives me hives!
MARVIN
Jesus, he's an a**hole
Jason, where's my hug?
TINA
Where's my hug?
MARVIN, TRINA, AND MENDEL
This is the year for Jason's bar mitzvah
This is the year for Jason's bar mitzvah!
(doorbell rings)
CHARLOTTE
Look, look, look, look, look
It's a lesbian from next door!
CORDELIA
Followed by her lover
Who's a lesbian from next door too!
And I've got food for you
Delicious food for you!
Nouvelle bar mitzvah cuisine!
TRINA
Ah...
CORDELIA
Here's dietetic knishes, gefilte fishes
Food that's from the heart!
So take a bite and see
If all your friends agree
It's good!
MARVIN, TRINA, MENDEL, CHARLOTTE, AND CORDELIA
Yummy yummy
Yummy yummy
Yummy yummy
Yummy yummy
Yummy yummy yummy yummy yum!
We'll have one perfect time!
We'll spend billions of dollars!
CORDELIA
Conga?
MARVIN, TRINA, MENDEL, CHARLOTTE, AND CORDELIA
We'll have flowers galore
And the band will sound fine!
There'll be chandeliers set round the room
With the men in tuxedos!
There'll be food, like food never before!
What a day to remember!
This is the year of Jason's bar mitzvah!
JASON
They're more excited than they should be
MARVIN, TRINA, MENDEL, CHARLOTTE, AND CORDELIA
This is the year of the child
When he spreads out his wings!
There's music in his heart!
His life's about to start!
His body's going wild!
My
Child!