Peter: On Monday I had drinks with Barney Rubble.
We hit a couple divey little bars.
We noticed there was quite a lovely lady
Sitting at the table next to ours.
Now Barney who was pretty friggin' wasted
Got up and stumbled over with a groan.
He said, “Hey just between us,
My Neanderthalic penis
Is as ma**ive as a Stegosaurus bone!”
All cartoons are f**in' dicks.
They get their kicks from being pricks.
It's a quirk we just can't fix,
Cause all cartoons are f**in' dicks.
Meg: Did Barney really say that?
Peter: Oh, yeah, he is a ba*tard
Lois: Wow
Peter: And he, and he really does not give a damn about the feelings of women. And, uh, it's sad. It's really sad
Brian: Well, you think that's bad, listen to this:
One day I met an ape of great charisma.
Magilla the Gorilla was his name.
He wore a little hat and matching bowtie,
A fashion which has brought him great acclaim.
I said, “What do you see as your career peak,
Of all your many flashy escapades?”
He said, “Well this is funky,
But you're lookin' at the monkey
Who's responsible for bringing you the AIDS!”
All cartoons are f**in' dicks.
They get their kicks from being pricks.
It's a quirk we just can't fix,
Cause all cartoons are f**in' dicks.
Peter: So he's the culprit
Stewie: I say, that is just awful
Lois: Ok, ok, listen to this little gem:
I had a conversation at a party
With famous rabbit hunter Elmer Fudd.
He told me I just had to see his rifle
And dropped it on the table with a thud.
I said to him, “It's quite a lovely firearm."
He told me his fiancée likes it too.
He said, “This may be corny,
But it really gets me horny
When I press it to her temple while we screw!”
All cartoons are f**in' dicks.
They get their kicks from being pricks.
It's a quirk we just can't fix,
Cause all cartoons are f**in' dicks.
Peter: Oh, god, that is one sick ba*tard
Stewie: Ooh, you're not kidding
Brian: Yeah, that, uh, that kind of stuff is against the law too, I think
Chris: Well, I got one that's even worse than that:
♪ On Friday night I went to get some candy, ♪
♪ Some soda and some chips and other stuff. ♪
♪ Along the way I pa**ed a little alley. ♪
♪ And there I saw that canine cop McGruff. ♪
♪ I said to him, “Hey you're that famous crime dog!” ♪
♪ He said, “I only work from nine to five. ♪
♪ And now it's close to tennish ♪
♪ And I've got a job to finish, ♪
♪ Cause as you can see, this hooker's still alive!” ♪
♪ All cartoons are f**in' dicks. ♪
♪ They get their kicks from being pricks. ♪
♪ It's a quirk we just can't fix, ♪
♪ Cause all cartoons are f**in' dicks. ♪
Meg: That's awful!
Stewie: Ugh, imagine McGruff beating up hookers
Peter: He is a dick, he is a dick
Stewie: Yes, yes, he's a nasty cartoon, but I can top that. Listen to this:
♪ One day as I was strolling through the forest ♪
♪ I happened on some mushroom covered turf. ♪
♪ And there from underneath a patch of fungus ♪
♪ Emerged the one and only Papa Smurf. ♪
♪ He said, “This is our secret mushroom village.” ♪
♪ I said, “Then I'm the first to see these views?” ♪
♪ He said, “I'm only kiddin' ♪
♪ Cause we only keep it hidden ♪
♪ From the Asians, Arabs, f*ggots, blacks, and Jews!” ♪
♪ All cartoons are f**in' dicks. ♪
♪ They get their kicks from being pricks. ♪
♪ It's a quirk we just can't fix, ♪
♪ Cause all cartoons are f**in' dicks. ♪
Lois: That Papa Smurf sounds like a monster
Stewie: Oh, he is a dirty, nasty racist, and a bigot, and a h*mophobe, and you know what I did when I got home?
Brian: What?
Stewie: I called up Gargamel, and I told him where the village is. Hahahahahahahahaha!
Peter: Haha, Sweet!
Meg: Can I go next?
Lois: Of course, sweetie
Meg: ♪ One day I met a—♪
Peter: Holy crap, look who's here, it's Jason Alexander!
Jason: Hey, cartoon haters
Meg: But, but I was supposed to go next!
Lois: Quiet, honey, Mr. Alexander wants to talk
Jason: I couldn't help overhearing what you were talking about, and I agree. Cartoons are real f**in' a**holes
Brian: Yeah, that's, uh, sorta what we've been trying to communicate
Jason: Well, get a load of this
Peter: Hahaha, he said “load.”
Lois: Haha, hahaha, I know, I heard
Jason: ♪ I once met Scooby Doo at a premiere bash. ♪
♪ He looked a little haggard and he stunk. ♪
♪ He said, “The trouble started last December, ♪
♪ When Daphne made a pa** while she was drunk.” ♪
♪ And now he's got a child out of wedlock. ♪
♪ It's dealing his career a fatal blow. ♪
♪ I asked him, “Where's the baby?” ♪
♪ He said, “Jason, buddy, maybe ♪
♪ Now you see why f**in' Scrappy's gotta go!” ♪
♪ All cartoons are f**in' dicks. ♪
♪ They get their kicks from being pricks. ♪
♪ It's a quirk we just can't fix, ♪
♪ Cause all cartoons are f**in' dicks. ♪
Peter: Wow, Scrappy is the ba*tard child of Scooby and Daphne
Jason: Shocking, isn't it?
Peter: Yeah. Hey, you douche bags wanna wrap this up?
Chorus: ♪ So let us leave you now with one suggestion: ♪
♪ A bit of wisdom you can take for free. ♪
♪ The Mickeys and the Goofys and the Daffys ♪
♪ Are not the gentle souls they seem to be. ♪
♪ So any time Sylvester catches Tweety ♪
♪ Or Tom has got poor Jerry in a fix (he's in a fix) ♪
♪ Sit back and just observe it, ♪
♪ Cause the little sh**s deserve it, ♪
♪ For all cartoons are f**in' dicks! ♪