(Billy Joel and Marlee Matlin are pushing a piano to Oscar the Grouch's trash can.
When they get there, Marlee gives Billy the "go ahead" sign.)
Billy: Okay. (Knocks on trash can lid.)
Oscar (pops up from inside can): State your name, then beat it!
Billy: I'm Billy Joel.
Oscar: Billy Joel what? Cat got your last name there? Heh-heh!
Billy: Just Billy Joel.
Oscar: Oh.
Billy: And this is Marlee Matlin.
Marlee: Hi.
Oscar: Yeah, hi. (Signs "hi" to Marlee.)
Billy: We're grouch groupies.
Marlee: We love grouches!
Oscar: You love grouches? Oh, yuck!
Billy: And whenever I throw away a used piano, I give it to a grouch. And this time you're it!
Oscar (excitedly): Oh, yeah? Ooh, a used piano, man? Huh.
Billy: And Marlee helped me push this here.
(Marlee makes the sign for "muscle" to Oscar.)
Oscar: Well, while you're pushing, why don't you just both shove off? But leave my piano!
Billy: Uh, not yet, because with the piano comes a song. A love song.
Oscar: A LOVE SONG???? (Groans)
Billy: You hear the song, and then you get the piano.
Oscar: I knew there had to be strings attached!
Billy: This one's for you, Oscar.
Marlee: Right from the heart.
Oscar: Right from the heart?! Oh, I'm gonna hate this!
(Billy begins to play the piano. While he sings, Marlee signs.)
Billy: Don't go changing just to please me,
'Cause being friendly's not your style.
Mmm-hmm-hmm...
Don't want to hear you
Saying, "Thank you"
(Oscar: I won't!)
'Cause I would hate to see you smile.
(Oscar: I never smile!)
Just be grouchy, really grouchy.
You've done it pretty well so far.
(Oscar: Oh, a compliment! This is getting pretty sticky!)
Mmm-hmm-hmm...
I took the bad times; I'll take the worst times.
I'll take you just the way you are.
(Oscar: The way I am, huh? Hah! I'll change that!)
(Oscar disappears into trash can, and Marlee looks surprised.)
Don't go trying some new fashion.
(Oscar comes up wearing an orange wig.)
(Oscar: How's this?)
(Marlee runs her fingers through the wig.)
I wouldn't like you debonair.
Mmm-hmm-hmm...
Just keep that can you stash your trash in.
Don't even try to comb your hair.
(Oscar takes off the wig.)
(Oscar: Just get lost, huh?!)
Don't try friendly conversation.
(Oscar: It wasn't friendly!)
Don't change the oil in your car.
Mmm-hmm-hmm...
We just want someone that we can't talk to.
We want you just the way you are.
(Oscar: Well, you can't have me! Ahhh!)
(Oscar goes back down into his trash can for the second time, and Marlee looks surprised again.)
I want to know that you will always be
The same old Oscar that I knew.
(Oscar comes up wearing a disguise with the fake gla**es and nose. Marlee jumps back.)
(Oscar: Is this him?! Heh-heh!)
Oh, please just keep on talking mean to me.
It makes me happy when you do.
(Oscar goes back down for a third time and comes up wearing an Indian-type mask.)
I said I love you, and that's forever.
And this I promise from the heart.
(Oscar smacks his hand to his forehead exasperatingly.)
Mmm-hmm-hmm...
We couldn't love you any better.
(Oscar: This is the mushiest thing I ever heard!)
We love you just the way you are.
(An instrumental solo where Marlee hugs Oscar.)
(Oscar: What are you doing?! What's this?! HEY! Never hug a grouch!
You're kissing me! Ahhh! Never do that to a grouch! Ugh!)
(Music stops.)
Oscar: You really know how to hurt a grouch!
Billy: Enjoy your piano!
Marlee: Have fun!
(They leave and call goodbye.)
Oscar: You don't have to give me this piano! I don't want it! I heard this piano! It's tuned!
Grouches hate love songs!
(He brightens up a bit.)
...except this one kinda really made me angry! (Sighs)