STD: Oh... hey guys...
FRONT: Hi, Schaffer
STD: What are you all doing here?
FRONT: I think you better sit down
STD: Are you kidding me?
JESSE D: No, this is dead serious
STD: Is this seriously an intervention?
FRONT: This is the seriousest intervention
STD: What the hell, you guys?
FRONT: Well, you should ask yourself "What the Hell?"
STD: You know, I really don't need this right now
JESSE D: I think you do, I think you need to hear it
STD: Alright, you went to all this trouble..
JESSE D: Thank you
STD: Say what ya got to say
FRONT: Enjoy
DR. AWK: Hey Schaffer, it's been too long
What '09 when you went and dropped that Bender song?
STD: So?
DR. AWK: Come on, get your sh** together, I hear you're smoking the skooma
STD: No
DR. AWK: This incessant impression's got me wishing it was a tumor
STD: Nice
DR. AWK: I don't mean it, your habit's just starting to eat me
With all that c**aine, you'd think you'd finish an EP
STD: Come on
DR. AWK: You s** now, put the alcohol down
We're only doing this cuz we want you around
STD: Whatever
WARROCK: Hey, Schaffer it's safe here, but it's safer in psychotherapy
There where the d** and women can't get to you, like it's very concerning
I've only ever see you either drunk or high
Think fans only want to see that Darklord guy?
STD: I do
WARROCK: But I think you took this villain stuff a little far
With the d** and alcohol, only so long before you fall
Cuz I care more for Mark, STD is just a character
I'm only telling you because I care for ya
Come on, man
STD: I don't wanna hear it, I don't wanna hear it
I just wanna disappear, now listen here this isn't any of your business
I don't have a problem, you're the ones with problems
Why're you talking rock-bottom? Look I got it, everything is awesome
Why don't you go home, just leave me alone
I mean, come on we could've handled all of this on the phone
I don't need you or your pity or your condescension
Wish you'd go away and take your silly little intervention with ya
JESSE D: Hey Schaffer, I've missed you
No one knows us better than each other
Since the days that we were growing up together
Like brothers in Nova Scotia
STD: Huh?
JESSE D: I blame myself for losing touch, you tell yourself
When someone is hurting that you can only do so much
But you've suffered enough
STD: True
JESSE D: It's scarcely feels fair
Growing up Jewish
STD: What?
JESSE D: Queer
STD: No!
JESSE D: Black
STD: No!
JESSE D: and in a wheelchair
STD: The Hell?!
JESSE D: Damn it, Max
STD: It's Mark!
JESSE D: I can't do this, I want out. You're not the man I knew
STD: What the hell, Jesse?
JESSE D: I'm literally in the wrong house, I'm sorry
FRONT: Schaffer, ain't your life a sh**ty mess?
STD: No
FRONT: Does a deep unhappiness permeate it all?
STD: No
FRONT: Is this even debatable?
STD: Yes
FRONT: Do you intend to take a fall or what?
We'd like some answers, but
Can't seem to pry your dick out of a**orted strippers and burlesque dancers
STD: Dude!
FRONT: Long enough to get your attention, which is ridiculous since you snort ADD d** all day
STD: Come on!
FRONT: Plus injections of that hot spoon-cooked "takin' it easy"
Finish your record already, mortality's only increasing
STD: I don't wanna hear it, I don't wanna hear it
I just wanna disappear, now listen here this isn't any of your business
I don't have a problem, you're the one's with problems
Why're you talking rock-bottom? Look I got it, everything is awesome
Why don't you go home? Just leave me alone
I mean, come on we could've handled this on the phone
I don't need you or your pity or your condescension
Wish you'd go away and take your silly little intervention with ya
LUGO: Hey Schaffer, it's your pal Lugo and you know...
STD: Stop! Lugo, what are you doing?
LUGO: I'm...intervening!
STD: Yeah, but you're not a rapper
LUGO: Well, I mean that may be, but that doesn't change the fact that you DESPERATELY need to get your sh** together
STD: Duly noted
YTC: Hey Schaffer, you know that I'd be the last to correct
A fellow scientist at work but I can see you're depressed
You got that Darklord look in your eyes, of sunken sockets, you got pockets
Full of every substance, you've been up for two dozen days
STD: Not true
YTC: Screaming like Billy Mays
Pulling insider trades
The city that never sleeps needs a break from your antics
So here's some Fiji and a Chantix
Enough of that sycophantic sh**, I'm tired of enabling you, cuz I care
COOLZEY: Hey Mark
STD: Z?
COOLZEY: Lately when I come through you've been way dark
It seems your stage persona may be smothering your bright spark
Since I've known you, you've been such a great friend to me
But last time I visited you in NYC I sensed the entropy
Plus your hedonistic tendencies are double O-C and your OCD has become amplified from popping Addies
Look, me and the guys just think you need to take a deep breath
I love you, but I'm worried. Do you think that you can cheat d**h?
(d**h, d**h, d**h, d**h, d**h, you s** now, only so long before you fall, you're not the man I knew, finish your record already, you desperately need to get your sh** together, I'm tired of enabling you, you s** now, only so long before you fall, you're not the man I knew, finish your record already)
STD: ENOUGH! I get it, alright?
I heard what you had to say, and you know what? You're right
I am a mess. I have fallen apart
I can not stress how much I needed this jump start
I never could admit it, I never wanted to face it
But I see I've got to quit this sh**, I've gotta make some changes
Through your speeches, I have seen that I am reaching my worst yet
So today, it's time I take the first step
I know I need to hear it, know I need to hear it
Know I need to quit this sh**, my grip is slipping
Know it's k**ing off my spirit
Yeah, I've got a problem, I've a bunch of problems
I've been slowly growing rotten, in denial, all is far from awesome
Tonight I've been shown, I'm not so alone
And I know I will survive when I face the unknown
I know that I was so defensive, though you had the best intentions
I will get some help, I love you, thank you for this intervention