Jill was a girl, Jack was a guy
One day they caught each other's eye
And they went steady for two years
They'd spend their summers by the sea
And they were happy and carefree
And for the future had no fears
But Jack had a little secret
He'd been keeping to himself very deep inside his soul
He was ashamed, he was embarra**ed
Didn't want to jeopardise the loved they shared, oh no
Jack was... a hedgehog
Nobody knew
He was a filthy little creature
But with one redeeming feature
He was quite good at impersonating a human
Well, Jack decided to tell Jill
But he did not know how she'd feel
So he made a hedgehog slice
And Jill said, "Thank you for the food
And I don't want to sound too rude,
I don't think hedgehogs are nice."
Then Jack was gutted and a tear rolled down his cheek
And Jill said, "Jack, I was joking. I love this chocolate treat.
It's just the animal hedgehogs that I despise."
And quite funny because she still had no idea that her boyfriend was a hedgehog
Yes, she had no idea
But he couldn't stand the shame
And he had to clear his name
So he organised to meet Jill up on the Royal Mile
And he said, "Jill, I gotta tell you..."
She said, "Shh, I want to smell you."
He said, "Not the best idea."
And he said, "Jill, I am a hedgehog."
And she said, "Haha, silly. Well, you be a hedgehog."
And they held each other near
(spoken)
But as they were hugging each other, Jill cut her hand up on one of the spikes on his back. And she said, "Jack, what is this, have you got a knife on you, what's going on? This is blood! And he said, "No, I wasn't joking, I am actually a hedgehog." She said, "Don't be silly." He said, "I'm not being silly!" He ripped off his mask and a big snout popped out! "What the f** is this?! You diseased freak!" And she picked Jack up, and she kicked him high into the air!
(sung)
Jack went flying through the air
Like a big ball of hedgehog
And all the while, he was singing to himself:
"Goodbye my love, goodbye my home..."
(spoken)
And after he'd finished singing James Blunt's entire extended repertoire, one hour and two days, he came to rest through the open window of a black taxi cab.
(sung)
Hedgehog in a taxi, will he pay the fare?
Hedgehog in a taxi, does the driver even know that he's there?
The driver did know he was there
And they charged Jack the fare
But Jack disagreed with the two pound fifty _
Hedgehog in a taxi, getting fiscal
Didn't like the driver, pulled a pistol
Out shot the driver, couldn't revive her
You all thought that she was a man but she was a woman, you are s**ist
Hedgehog in a taxi, hedgehog on the run
There are twenty cops behind him but they know he's got a gun
So he's gotta keep on going, petrol flowing
But now he's in an alleyway and he's been surrounded and he's slowing down
He's in an alleyway
The cops are are and they
Are just about to shoot
(spoken)
But then Jill came running in through the alleyway. She said, "Stop! Don't shoot the little prick! Can't you see he's not man?! Look at his snout! He's just a hedgehog!" But as she was playing the white grand piano she'd wheeled into the alleyway for dramatic effect, the policemen riddled Jack's little body with bullets and then started playing soccer with his corpse. Final scores were Edinburgh Police 3, Jack's corpse nil. Some say it was an unfair match. And all the while, Jill kept on playing.
(sung)
In conclusion, it has been seen
Don't pretend to be a human
In conclusion, it has been seen
Some people who say they are a human might not actually be a human
In conclusion, it has been seen
Many of us are still heavily instructed by dominant social paradigms that suggest taxi driving is not an occupation for females
There might be a hedgehog in this room
There might be a hedgehog in this room
There might be a hedgehog in this room
Ow! Prickly.