Good evening ladies and gentlemen, I'm Richard Cheese, www.richardcheese.com, www.facebook.com/richardcheese, www.twitter.com/richardcheese, and I believe www.iloveeatingpancakesinlasvegas.com is ours too.
You know, the world is a crazy place, and we live in troubled times, but despite our differences, the one thing that all of us have in common, is that we all have a birthday. My piano player Bobby Ricotta over there, he has a birthday. Frank Feta has a birthday. Billy Bleu has a birthday. And so do I. Mine is July 11. Feel free to have your sister send me photos.
Anyway, the first thing that comes to mind when you say birthday is the Happy Birthday song, right guys? "Happy Birthday to--" NO NO NO NO, you can't sing it.
See, we can't sing that song on our CD because it's copyrighted, and if we use it on the album, we have to pay a royalty to the original songwriters who still hold the copyright, Mildred J. Hill and Patty S. Hill.
Now mind you, the "Happy Birthday To You" song was written in the 1800's! That's TWO centuries ago! But these two old ladies, who have been dead for almost 100 years, still get paid every time someone uses that song, in a movie, in a TV show, in a commercial, in a greeting card. EVERY TIME! CHA-CHING!
That's why, when you go to a restaurant like Outback, or Applebee's or Olive Garden or Bob Evans, they don't sing you "Happy Birthday To You," and instead, they sing some really stupid made-up song with a bunch of clapping.
"Happy Happy Birthday, Happy Happy Birthday!"
It's terrible! See, THAT song was written by corporate attorneys, just to protect the restaurant chains from getting sued by the Hill estate.
I mean, have you heard the birthday song the lawyers make them do at Benihana? They ring a bell and smack a couple chopsticks against a bamboo shoebox. It sounds like two Buddhist temples humping.
So, I realized that there is a golden opportunity here for me, America's favorite lounge singer, Richard Cheese, to create a NEW birthday song, and give it to the world FOR FREE, so that waiters and waitresses in chain restaurants across the land can have a GOOD song to sing to their customers!
And, so that YOU, the person celebrating his or her birthday, can sing a song at your party, and post it on YouTube without fear of getting sued-from-the-grave by those litigious Patty and Mildred Hill zombie ladies!
Now, of course, if you're a bigshot movie director -- Zack Snyder, I'm talking to you -- and you want to use my new birthday song in your next space owl movie, you're going to need to write me a check. And hey, Google, if you use my new birthday song on your little website puppet show, I will expect a little Google plus, if you know what i mean, and i think you do, gooj.
So, without further adieu, which admittedly is French, here is our all-new original birthday song, written by me and my piano player Bobby Ricotta! Now, here's the scene: it's your friend Brandy's birthday party, they bring out the cake, the candles are lit, they shut off the lights, and...hit it!
It's Brandy's birthday
What a great day
Everyone say
Happy birthday!
Hey!
Isn't that great??
Here, let's try it with a longer name. One more time!
It's Olivia Munn's birthday
What a great day
Everyone say
Happy birthday!
Yay!
So great.
And, you can also change the words to make it apply to your unique situation. For example, let's say it's Elton John's birthday. 1-2-3-4...
It's Elton's birthday
What a great gay
Everyone say
Happy Birthday!
Ole!
See how that works?
Now, I want you to take our all-new original birthday song and sing it at every birthday party you go to. At school, at the office, at church, at the sorority --- mmmm -- wherever you are, please spread the cheese and teach everyone you meet my birthday song, which is entitled "Birthday Song."
And, if you're a restaurant, a bar, an Elk's Lodge, or a Kiddie Petting Zoo that imprisons helpless animals in cages of soul-crushing despair, feel free to sing my Birthday Song for your patrons without fear of impunity, which I believe is also French.
Now to make it easier to make the party cheesier with my new birthday song, here's an instrumental version of the music, and you can find this and the lyrics at my website, www.richardcheese.com
Thanks for listening, thanks for singing, and thanks for making me rrrrich. Eat my dust, Mildred and Patty, you who*eS!!
I'm Richard Cheese, and I approve this message.