To whom it may concern
Can you please forward this note
To my family and friends
Here's my last words before I go
I know this is a shock
And to some maybe it's not
But this pain inside my heart just refuses to stop
So I feel I have no choice it's time to take drastic measures
Impossible to deal with all of life's daily pressures
Unless it's under the influence look what i've become
I've turned from straight and narrow to a drunk f**in' bum
It doesn't ease the pain in fact it makes it even worse
I've tried turnin' to god but it seems like i've been cursed
All my life I caught a raw deal one after the next
Time after time why is my life so complex?
I never get ahead I keep slippin' down a spiral
I hide the pain inside when you see me laugh and smile
And makin' others laugh with my jokes and my comedy
Actin' like the emptiness inside don't bother me
To my son, you're my world, the past few years was rough
The only reason I was strong was because of your love
Not it seems that you don't need looks like mom got it covered
Cuz she got a new man and his son is like your brother
So ya'll go on like family with me on the outside
For every happy moment that I have there is a down side
Now you're four so you'll adjust real fast
And as time goes on you won't remember your dad
The memories will fade as you grow each day
And soon the very thought of me will just drift away
Just know I love you son and i'm so sorry that I left
But raising you feeling like I feel wouldn't be best
Regrets I have a few but I learn from my mistakes
You should learn from mine and do whatever it takes
To be the best man you could be and take care of your mother
I know cause I lost mine and you never get another
Speakin' of your mom, Heather this isn't your fault
I know you might feel guilty but you shouldn't at all
Yeah we had our ups and downs I think we just grew apart
We settled down too young and we both got broken hearts
I might have said some hurtful things to after you hurt me
But I didn't mean them we had a really nice journey
I never had a girl after we split cuz I was tainted
It's sort of funny how a person's feelings change ain't it?
You were my one true love though and i'd do it all again
Just to have them feelings that I had back then
But you knew from the beginning that my head wasn't right
Neither was yours but maybe that's why we were so tight
But tell our son about his father and don't let him forget him
Tell him that i'm flyin' with the angels now in heaven
Not that I beieve that thats where i'll be
They say when you take your own life you burn for eternity
But honestly I just believe that i'll get buried and rot
I guess i'll find out if there really is a god or not
And if there that'd be great wouldn't that be hot though?
To see mom, my grandfather and uncle Rocko
See my man Mo Deuce once again and we could rock it
Open up for that Big Pun/ Big L concert Ha
And to my cousins to my brothers Mikey and D
I know another loss is like all you really need
But we always came together when them times they got tough
You true dogs for real ain't nothin' like that love
I'm leavin' all my musical equipment to you guys
Maybe learn how to use it, keep my music alive
But at times we had doin' our thing with Q Strange
You believed more for me that I was headed for fame
And underground sensation that would never blew up
I'm just happy in this world that my songs got bumped
To my grandma as if you ain't through enough
I'm so sorry but I thank you for your endless love
Took me in as a child when my moms was an addict
You gave me a great life and otherwise i'd never have it
You were always there helpin' me throughout my whole life
A home cooked meal and solid words of advice
You helped me more than you know so for that I must thank you
I was blessed to have you as my guardian angel
To all of you and other y'all know who you are
I'm sorry if you're sad but you know i'm never far
When you're lookin' at my photo or you listen to my songs
Keep my memory alive even long after i'm gone
This was the only way I could escape from all this sadness
The hole inside my heart I could not fill and it was madness
For many years I tried to just control these feelings in me
They always took control ain't no doctors could have fixed me
It don't feel good to change the hand that I was dealt
Unless it could erase all this pain that i've felt
I can't explain it in a way that people can understand
Just know that where i'm goin' is still better than where i've been
And with that I say goodbye I love you all as much as possible
Take care of each other love forever Joshua
P.S. don't shed no tears for me... this is an end to my suffering