“We know a remote farm in Lincolnshire, where Mrs. Buckley lives. Every July, peas grow there.” Do you really mean that?
[Director One]
Uh, yes, so in other words, I–I–I'd start half a second later.
[Orson Welles]
Don't you think you really want to say “July” over the snow? Isn't that the fun of it?
[Director One]
It's–if–if you can (laughs) if you can make it almost when that shot disappears, it'll make more–
[Orson Welles]
I think it's so nice that–that you see a snow-covered field and say “every July peas grow there”. “We know a remote farm in Lincolnshire, where Mrs. Buckley lives. Every July, peas grow there.” We aren't even in the fields, you see? (pause) We're talking about them growing and she's picked them. (clears throat) What?
[Director One]
…in July.
[Orson Welles]
I don't understand you, then. When must–what must be over for “July”?
[Director One]
Uh, when we get out of that snowy field–
[Orson Welles]
Well, I was out! We were onto a can of peas, a big dish of peas when I said “in July”.
[Director One]
Oh, I'm sorry, Orson.
[Orson Welles]
Yes, always. I'm always–past that!
[Director One]
You are?
[Orson Welles]
Yes! Wh–that's about where I say “in July”.
[Director Two]
Can you emphasize a bit “in”? “In July.”
[Orson Welles]
Why? That doesn't make any sense. Sorry. There's no known way of saying an English sentence in which you begin a sentence with “in” and emphasize it. Get me a jury and show me how you can say “in July” and I'll… go down on you. That's just idiotic, if you'll forgive me by saying so.
[Director Two]
(indistinct chatter)
[Orson Welles]
That's just stupid. “In July”?
I'd love to know how you emphasize “in” in “in July”… Impossible! Meaningless!
[Director One]
I think all they were thinking about was that they didn't want to–
[Orson Welles]
He isn't thinking.
[Director One]
Orson, can we just do one last time–
[Orson Welles]
Yeah.
[Director One]
…and it was my fault. I should–I said “in July”. If you could leave “every July”–
[Orson Welles]
You didn't say it. He said it.
[Director One]
…I said “every July”.
[Orson Welles]
Your friend. “Every July”?
[Director One]
…so after this shot…
[Orson Welles]
No, you don't really mean “every July”?
[Director One]
…it is, but it's…
[Orson Welles]
But that's–that's bad copy. It's in July. Of course it's every July! There's too much directing around here.
[Orson Welles]
Norway. Fish finger, nor, Findus, Norway. “We know a certain fjord in Norway, near where the cod gather in great shoals. There, Jan Stan–, Stangdilan,” sh**!
[Director One]
A fraction more on the–on that shoals thing, 'cause you rolled it round very nicely.
[Orson Welles]
Yeah, roll it round and I have no more time. You don't know what I'm up against. Because it's full of–of–of things that are only correct because they're grammatical, but they're tough on the ear. You see, this is a very wearying one, it's unpleasant to read. Unrewarding. “Because Findus freeze the cod at sea and then add a crumb, crisp…” ooh, “crumb, crisp coating.”
[Director One]
(indistinct chatter)
[Orson Welles]
Ah, that's tough. “Crumb, crisp coating.”
[Director Two]
(indistinct chatter)
[Orson Welles]
I think, no, because of the way it's written, you need to break it up because it's not–it's not as conversationally written. What?
[Director One]
Take “crumb” out.
[Director Two]
(sounds like) That's the word.
[Orson Welles]
Take “crumb” out. Good.
[Orson Welles]
Here under protest is “beef burgers.” “We know a little place in the American Far West, where Charlie Briggs chops up the finest prairie-fed beef and tastes…” This is a lot of sh**, you know that? You want one more?
[Director Two]
I do, actually…
[Orson Welles]
More on “buck beef”?
[Director One]
You–you missed the first “beef”, actually completely.
[Orson Welles]
What do you mean, missed it?
[Director One]
You–you're emphasizing “prairie-fed”–
[Orson Welles]
But you can't emphasize “beef”, that's like he's wanting me to emphasize “in” before “July”. Come on, fellas, you're losing your heads! I wouldn't direct any living actor like this in Shakespeare! Will you do this, it's impossible!
[Director One]
Orson, you did six last year, and by far and away the best, and I know the–the reason–
[Orson Welles]
The right reading for this is the one I'm giving it!
[Director One]
For the moment.
[Orson Welles]
I spent… twenty times more for you people than any other commercial I've ever made. You are such pests! Now, what is it you want?
[Director One]
Now, I think–
[Orson Welles]
In your depths of your ignorance, what is it you want? Whatever it is you want, I can't deliver it because I just don't see it.
[Director One]
That was absolutely fine, it really was.
[Orson Welles]
Here, you– (crumples script, stands up) This isn't worth it. No money is worth listening to… (leaves studio)