I met you at the Jubilee perfumery
There was a rumour you and me were indulging in some rudery
It was true you see
Although it prudently eluded me
I'm a student of the University of Verse as-well as fert and free speech
And weeks had gone by without so much as a by your leave
Well that's not strictly true
You said 'bye' and then you left… me
Bereft of hope that someday I might make you my own
Or take you to Rome or at least bake you some scones
But you left me alone
With nothing but my rhymes
And my palms and my numerous balms
But you abstained from my charms when I opened my arms
You're balmy surely to charm me cruelly
And make the cut of my jib unruly
I duly attempted a pa** but you left me in the khazi on my arse
I was vastly unaware of your intentions
For you were hiding something in your unmentionables
I though you really were a tease
But you had venereal disease!
I'm sorry my advances may have doubled my chances of contracting your venereal disease
Here we go!
I rather like the idea of you pleasing me
But I don't want to go out like Eazy-E
You handed me your number and said "if you want to call"
But I'm afraid I rather had on my sherry monocle
And when I awoke
I was heartened to note I was at your place
I couldn't finish my porridge if I had to look at your face over the breakfast table
In confusion over events
So the conclusion it presents is to bloody run for it
So I bolted, revolted, to the door
But you jolted me to the floor in a rage
"I'm sorry old girl", I said, "but I'm engaged"
This was perhaps not the best course of action to take
She grabbed a hold of my arm and said
"Stay or it'll break!"
She let me up and made some allusions to love
But she had hands like bally wicket-keepers gloves
I gave her no reason to call me a ruddy pest
But when I went downstairs it was a bloody awful mess!
I thought you were a Hottentot
But you had a rather rotten bot!
I thought I wanted you to call
But I was sporting my sherry monocle
You had no need to call me a pest
But when I went downstairs it was a bloody awful mess!