[Round 1: Marv Won]
Bring it in man
{Marv Won and Quest Mcody motion to Carter and Chedda that they want to hug. Sensing that it's a trap, they remain still.}
Bring it in bro
{Carter can't resist anymore and goes in to hug Quest Mcody}
[Q] There you go
[M] Yo, Quest, I feel like we got the whitest n***as on the card
[Q] Marv, I mean these n***as is white, white
[M] These n***as is like...
[Q] Like what?
[M] Like 800 credit scores and sleep with Nigh Lights white like
[Q]
Like eating mayonnaise with a spoon and love to fly kites white
[M] Like they f** with Jim Crow
[Q] Just a lil' bit
[M] But they didn't own slaves white, right?
[Q] Right!
[M] Alright cool let's turn this heat up
[Q] Well f** it give 'em a tan
[M] I came here with one K and I'm not trying to give 'em a band
[Q] I will cut your cheesy wrists off before I give 'em a hand
[M] And I'll take care of this p**y
[Q] How?
[M] The only way a gentleman can
[Q] Your whole demeanor screams
[M] "Psstt. Hey kid...get in the van."
[Q] And you in the back...dressed like a cat, with his dick in his hand
[M] You f**ing weirdo, if it's beef you'll get stuck I want Cheese paper
[Quest Mcody] Or I'ma bring the metal to Chedda block like a cheese grater
The lead will scream, I behead a king, I clap fo'
It's ironic that a rapper named Chedda Cheese lack toast (lactose)
[Marv Won] The restaurant I went to this morning didn't have any bread
[Q] Well what was the outcome?
[M] My breakfast lack toast
[Q] That's f**ed up
[M] Man, I wanted toast too
It's like y'all got invited by Jonah Hill, I knew y'all were coming with fat jokes
[Q] You mean they have a lot of Big Puns
[M] When did you sign to Fat Joe?
[Q] Y'all are whiter than the rocks they say that Hollohan and Pat smoke
[M] But we ain't gonna keep talking about y'all being white
I mean we often see it
[Q] sh** is like a giraffe neck
[M] Or a giraffe face
[Q] Well sh**, we ain't gonna beat a dead horse
[M] My n***a that is Half Baked
[Quest Mcody] Yo, you caught a bad break
When Charron battled Bonnie he got hand raped
When you battled Bonnie she threatened you
She wanted him to find out how her long a** a** taste
[Marv Won]
See Bonnie has a very long booty, that's the contact behind that
It's like summer vacation long
[Q] It's like Roots long
[Marv Won] It's like Roots long you know what I'm saying?
Watching y'all battle was like Pee Wee Herman on RuPaul's Drag Race
Well you get a consolation price, you getting metal whether you coming in first or last place
[Quest Mcody]
So how that Mag' taste? Cause I pop bro
Pronto, I'll leave Chedda leaking on the ground like I just dropped my...nachos
[Marv Won]
And by the way you guys are dressed, I'm almost positive you were sponsored by Paco
[Quest Mcody]
I want a chicken enchilada and bean burrito stuffed taco
[Marv Won]
We don't even do food bars. You don't do food bars. We didn't discuss this
[Q] Alright look I'll do the rapping you do the food
[M] I'll do the food
[Round 1: Carter Deems]
He said I'm so white that I like to fly kites, well that's really the situation
Cause fly lines are key to my success like Benjamin Franklin
Before we get this battle started it's about to be mad weird
Cause me and Chedda still got beef we have to settle from last year
[Chedda Cheese]
Oh yeah, I meant to tell you that I hate you with a pa**ion
[Carter]
I'll exchange hands with Chedda like I'm making a transaction
[Chedda Cheese]
Man, I bet you high school nickname was "Cat Po' Magoo"
I hate you more than rap groups with gap tooths and b**bs
[Carter Deems]
I hate you and those stupid dance moves you do
Psych, we're best friends
[Both] And that's bad news for you!
[CD] I said, compared to Quest and Marv
[CC] We extra hard
[CD] Go against these bars
[Chedda Cheese]
I'll let my Tesla charge and spark the metal from inside of an electric car
Plus I'm the plug, that means I'll catch an extra charge
[Carter]
Tell Visa I'm not down with that extra charge
I got no interest in paying interest on my credit card
Still, I bought you tickets to see Kevin Hart
With money I saved in a jelly jar
But I'm broke so we had to sit in the C section...like a belly scar
[Chedda Cheese]
You got that old man face, like you're permanently grumpy
You got that Roseanne face like you're permanently hungry
[Carter Deems]
This pair shape, pare shaped
This shares space, shared by a share square like Squarespace
Two squares? That's a pair of square
We're prepared to square with this pair of squares, put these squares in their square place
And we're aware that we're a pair of squares so that's a pair squared
[Chedda Cheese]
Hit him square in his square face with a chair til the chair breaks
[CD] Raw beef like rare steaks, scared straight
[CC] Got the pump like air breaks
Bullets pepper the air like bear mace
[CD] This an air raid and if you violate our air space
[Chedda Cheese] We'll let the cans hit Marv like Macaulay Culkin in the staircase
Look, your career is just a sinking ship I watched it go down slow
Uninspired and washed up, your whole town know
Plus you got no rhythm and your flow sounds old
You're from Detroit thought you would've had that Motown soul
Thought you would've gotten better, you've been doing this forever Quest
[CD] Way way back, back when we were playing Everquest
[CC] No punchlines to recollect, I don't even sense a threat
[CD] This isn't neck and neck you guys are even second best
[CC] You second guess yourselves we take the shot with only seconds left
[CD] I hit 'em with one right then a second left
Every time Marv hits the buffet, there's never any seconds left
[Round 2: Marv Won]
Hug time is over
[Quest Mcody] I guess I'll play the middle man
I got a whole face, bro wait, in '08 you competed in Scribble Jam
[Marv Won]
That's old as f** Chedda
[Quest Mcody]
That's old as f**
But I've been thinking all day about a way to offend you
I ate at Dumbfoundead house before I came to the venue
[Marv Won]
Trust me bro you do not wanna know what was on the menu
And you, you little Jimmy Neutron looking motherf**a
You straight?
[Quest Mcody]
Man f** cats!
f** cats, I wish I could hunt cats
I be sitting in your house, when you come in I'm on the couch like..."What cats?"
[Marv Won]
Aye man, you gotta chill n***a
[Quest Mcody]
f** that!
I'll punch them little b**hes like they can punch back
I'll stomp cats, I'll grab 'em by they little furry tails and take a knife and cut that like "Run that!"
I be yelling "fu*k PETA!" when the gun clap
I will take a blade and put it where his lungs at
Cause these pussies don't deserve to breathe the same AIR. I. BREATHE!
[Marv Won]
Bro, this was supposed to be a fun match
[Quest Mcody]
I will punt cats
I will kick a cat so f**ing far......that it'll come back!
You like cats? I'll slap the sh** out of 'em and I don't even know the dame (Notre Dame) like a hunchback
[Marv Won]
Look, and I've never been the crook type or the halfway shook type
[Quest Mcody]
Man, you look a little off tipsy
[Marv Won]
And you know I know what that looks like
See look, I've been up here trying to give 'em benefit of the doubt
But now I'm feeling like a dentist in this bout
[Q] Why?
[M] Because y'all give 'em all this gas, now I gotta see how much metal I can fit into his mouth
[Both] BOW!
[M] Now Chedda gotta catch his scalp
n***a I'm from Detroit, we known for breaking down a brick like Wreck It Ralph
[Quest Mcody]
When that Tec is out, your head will bounce [?]
Y'all make a mockery of battle rap, y'all a joke, y'all lose respect each day
And he be acting like he retarded when he rap that way
I'll f** around and check Chedda like the FDA
[Marv Won]
You know what n***a? You a novelty act
We both funny but you do comedy raps
Nobody asked you, but the response is always, "You know bro, just uh you know bro just spending time with these cats."
Deems, I just found out that you don't have any cats
Your f**ing landlord doesn't allow cats in your two family flat
[Q] I'll murder your family
[M] I'll murder your family
[Both] That's two families flat
[Quest Mcody]
I said I'll shoot 'em off the ground [?]
Saran will be wrapped around a dead body, the FEDS got 'em; memory lapse
Food for thought, eat a bullet, bang, get your memories wrapped
He try to run, he got drugged back, like he in a relapse
[Marv Won]
n***a the slugs taking half of everything, and you finna be taxed
Y'all 'bout to watch the golden boy get k**ed, it's like John F. Kennedy back
[Quest Mcody]
You're gonna be covered with so much gun smoke
[M] How much?
[Q] So much gun smoke
[M] How much?
[Q] SO much gun smoke, you can pretend to be black
[Round 2: Carter Deems]
Ahhh, I did not like that at all
These dudes aren't the best at all, just ga**ed up like ethanol
I'm swinging on more block than a wrecking ball
And start flipping bricks like when the pieces of Tetris fall
I'm not staring at your breasts at all
Compared to Marv, Quest is small
But y'all look like the first two steps in the deconstruction of a Russian nesting doll doll
[Chedda Cheese]
And I'm way too smooth with the ladies, now they're letting all their friends know
I'm David Blaine with the game, the Houdini of the "friend zone"
That means I'll escape right out of it then I'm running for the end zone
Dip out with Barry [? PPV skips] blind couldn't lead the blind couldn't read between the lines
Don't need a line your girlfriend's the easy kind
Didn't have to read her mind to find out how she feels inside
[Carter Deems]
I did not approve of that scheme
That was just stupid and mean
I know how your girl feels inside cause we talk about her goals, future and dreams
She said your relationship is losing it's steam
You're worried she might get back with her ex and choose just to leave
You can find that dude in the street and start shooting the beam
But I know forgetting about her ex man (X-Man) Marv will (Marvel) do for the team
[Chedda Cheese]
And he says he blasts Tec's
Yeah I know he has cans cause that's not a flat chest
When he's running you can see them titties bounce like bad checks
[Carter Deems]
I heat up the long nose like bad breath
[CC] That'll be your last breath
[CD] Cause when I {chokes}
[CC] Then I toss the heckler like the security at the Laugh Fest
Until today, Mcody had nothing but bad press, at best
[CD] It's like we have access to your address
[CC] Why's that?
[CD] Cause we 'bout to put you on the Map Quest
[CC] Sit back and watch sun/son rise like the morning do
Cooler than the morning dew
[CD] Waking up with bed head everyday that's my morning doo
[CC] Find me posted up with the Heat like Alonzo Mourning do
[CD] You're 42
[CC] I got the .45 like it's quarter to
[CD] Drink a Code Red when I wake up that's my morning Dew
Then I pour some out for the dead homies like the mourning do
[CC] Yep, "morning dew" that scheme was already over dude
[CD] And I don't even drink so that wasn't even sorta true
But I was just trying to do some more "morning dews" and pay my morning dues
[CC] That doesn't even make sense and it was corny too
[CD] Look, I'm sorry for the warning dude but I got like 44 more "morning dews" I'm born to do
[CC] 40 more? Of course you do
[CD] Cause when I do stuff like the morning- I'm sorry dude
[CC] I'm sorry too
[Round 3: Quest Mcody]
Comic book bars was something we had to deal with
Do you wanna rap?
[Marv Won]
I don't have nothing man!
[Quest Mcody]
Okay, um, Marv will (Marvel) k** you, I got that Iron, man
So you wanna talk Soldier, for that green I bring that Hawk over
Lowkey (Loki), I'm A.I. with the shot cause as soon as I pop, you drop and I walk over
I say I'm a bad pimp
sh** I'll know where this hook will (hooker) lay
Hold up, that's an old punch; Sugar Ray
[Marv Won]
You try and touch the team, then you'll get a ruptured spleen
I throw a heavy punch
[Q] What's that?
[M] n***a that's bu*terbean
I said n***a I'll make the baby cry
[Q] I'll make your mother scream
[M] I'll let the .80 fly
[Q] Your brother swing
[M] You try to play I
[Q] I'll up the f**ing thing
[M] n***a I'm Wes Craven guy
[Q] I'll paint a f**ing scene
[Marv Won]
I don't know if you know but me and your mother shot a movie and in it...there's a f**ing scene
[Q] And bro it was a whole lot of f**ing scene
[M] Your daddy watched it
[Q] Yeeeeah, that was f**ed up
[M] He couldn't believe what he had just f**ing seen
Between cooking and her ironing your motherf**ing jeans
[Q] I just wanna know how she made time to film a mother-f**ing scene
[M] She was wild aggressive
[Q] Man, super aggressive
[M] n***a she wanted to hold hands tongue kiss too
[Q] Man Chedda your style ain't sh**, dadadada b**h I can tongue twist too
[M] Show 'em!
[Q] I said I got a big Glock with the sh**-
You thought I was 'bout to do that? b**h
I got a big gun that'll hit you, rip through like a tissue
Son dawg/dog like a Shih Tzu nibble on a lil' bit-
That's how he sound when he do that sh**
[M] Do it for real, show 'em
[Quest Mcody]
I got a big gun that'll rip through, this doll like a tissue-
I can't do it...
It's wack as f** I'll slap you up
You hear the beep beep noise when I back it up
Clap or bluff, I'll leave him on the floor in a sack of stuff
I'ma try it one more time and if I don't get it right this time, that's enough
I got a big gun that'll rip through, this punk like a tissue
Magazine like an issue, on point like a Shih Tzu
You a b**h dawg, I will hit you, little dog that's Shih Tzu
{beat boxes like Chedda Cheese did against Carter Deems}
[M] I have never heard of that pistol
[Q] I tried, you're just so good at it
[M] You think I could sneak that through the airport?
[Q] sh**, maybe JFK
[M] Laguardia?
Chedda where do I get a gun like that?
[Q] Hogwarts?
[M] Narnia?
[Quest Mcody]
Carter bruh, it gotta be hard for ya
To hold up this fake facade so long it gotta rip out a little part of ya
[Marv Won]
And knowing that nobody is ever rating you
Or charting ya, has to let me know that you being a battle rapper wasn't smart for ya
I mean I can admit you got a little style, but I ain't ever seen you get a little wild
Chedda nobody ever mentions you, n***a you King Of The Dot's middle child
[Quest Mcody]
So check it out, I'ma do something that really ain't that hard to do
[M] f** it, go Lil' Wayne on him
[Q] Lil' Wayne?
[M] Lil' Wayne
[Q] So you want me to try to do Carter 2/too?
[M] Ahh haa
It's finna get awkward now. This is the awkward part
[Quest Mcody]
D-dear Carter
My name is Michael and I'm exciteful
Marv' if that's a word...
[Marv Won]
It's actually a word
[Quest Mcody]
Oh, delightful
Well I'm just trying to keep-this round going like a cycle
I'll make both these pus-
I'll make this pus-
[M] Go ahead, go ahead, say it
[Q] I'll make this-
[M] p**y
[Q] Bleed like a cycle
I stretched that out, I stretched that out, um, let's try this one
I'll murder your mother- I-I'll have your mother k** you like in Psycho
[Marv Won]
You know that was just him dressed like his mother in Psycho
[Quest Mcody]
sh**, you right bro
I-I-I think pretending to be awkward is quite awkward and spiteful
And if I wasn't a fan I wouldn't like you
But I like you
[Marv Won]
Hug him! Embrace him n***a!
[Quest Mcody]
Sincerely Michael
P.S. Maybe after the battle we can hang out with Award
[M] "Award" is hilarious
[Q] "Laso"
[M] "Laso is funny as f** too
[Q] And Daylyt
[M] Not Daylyt
[Q] Nah, maybe not Daylyt...and read the bible
Or eat a gyro
[M] f** it man we out
[Q] I wanna fight you
[Round 3: Carter Deems]
We not holding the AK's but still we leave tops spinning like we roll with Baeblades
[CC] You guys rehearsed in person and wrote at the same pace
[CD] We rehearsed online and shared notes like 8th grade
[CC] But we got chemistry together we're both in the same grade
[CD] Wrote this in eight days
[CC] On a shared Google document
[CD] What's that mean?
[Chedda Cheese]
That means we're both on the same page
So it's a wrap from the minute we start to rap folks
This your last hope, bringing you nothing but fat (cat) jokes
[CD] Wait, I thought we were bringing nothing but cat jokes?
[Chedda Cheese]
Nah man, fat jokes, I mean look at these fat jokes
Can't float, making tidal waves with every back stroke
[Carter Deems]
Yeah, and I can't wait to get home and give my cat a back stroke
[Chedda Cheese]
If Marv says he's got the biscuit that means you better pa** the jelly
Acting deadly like Makaveli blasting semis
He wants beef with cheese that's cause he's at the deli
Your two best features, fat and sweaty
Yo Carter, hit 'em with those real gangster raps already
[Carter Deems]
There's some really cute kitten crafts on Etsy
And one time I even fed my cat spaghetti
[Chedda Cheese]
Ummm, not quite what I had in mind, but maybe try something a bit harder
[Carter Deems]
I can hit 'em with something a bit smarter
I'm a street scholar, forget Harvard
That's why I'm still alone (a loan), cause they just don't Get Carter
[Marv Won]
That was fire. They should react
[Carter Deems]
I don't care 'bout the beef, I'm a pig farmer
They been online just begging for these bucks like Kickstarter
Raptor's puffy jacket, I kick Starter
Stayed up too late last night now I need a kick starter
But Starbucks tastes like dishwater
Chedda said Tim Horton's the best, the cups are a bit larger and the coffee hits harder
Three creams, two sugar
I been getting triple doubles in Toronto you don't have to conVince Carter
[Chedda Cheese]
Before Marv even had a baby tooth he was eating Baby Ruth
Can't lift his arms high enough to raise the roof
He's known for saying that he'll bring them .380's through
You must be talking pounds cause you lazy dude
[Carter Deems]
Think we're afraid of you then you're crazy dude
And you're lazy too, lazier than "lazy glue"
[Chedda Cheese]
But his cause of d**h 'bout to be his favorite food
Cause the gravy might k** him before the pastries do
[Carter Deems]
So the last thing you gon' see, is his face turn blue
[Chedda Cheese]
Like, "Damn you Colonel Sanders, look what you made me do!"