Acquiring marijuana
There are four basic methods of acquiring marijuana
Buying it, growing it, receiving it as a gift
And stealing it
Buying marijuana
(Yeah?)
I like to buy a big bottle of root beer please
(Oh)
And a copy of Playboy
(Alright)
And some uh pistachio nuts
(Here)
Could I have a cleaner copy of playboy please
(Huh? Oh yeah I'm sorry, kids)
And a package of marijuana please
(Mexican, Vietnamese, or domestic?)
Umm Mexican
(Flip top, flat box, soft pack, or bulk?)
I'll take bulk
Thank you
(Alright that comes to uh, that'll be $2.15)
$2.15
Growing marijuana
Mary, Mary quite contrary
How doth your garden grow
Really great where there's no heat
And usually best when I put the seeds about a half inch underground
Water lightly once a week
And hope for the best
Receiving marijuana as a gift
Getting gra** as a gift is probably the nicest way of all of acquiring it
Here are a number of methods guaranteed to get you free gra**
Be very very nice to everyone you meet
Or
Look for people who are smoking gra**
Go over and stand next to them as quietly as possible
And look wistful
If they give you any be sure to say thank you
Or
Become a narcotics officer
Or
Be a very beautiful girl with large breasts
And, if none if these methods work
Then, whenever you're taking a walk
Look on the ground for rolled up baggies with a rubber band around them
Stealing marijuana
Now here's the main method for acquiring yourself some free gra**
You just creep on someone and say
Hey! Look up there!
And you cop that gra**
And split
The effects of marijuana
The first time a person tries to get stoned
He may not feel any effect whatsoever
Many people, even Methodists
Find that after smoking for hours
Particulary with good gra**
They'll still fell absolutely no effect the first two or three times
For them, we recommend needlepoint, weightlifting
Or any of the traditional methods of reaching Nirvana
(I can lift 347 pounds over my head but still nobody likes me)
We believe that except for a few weirdos here and there
Everybody can feel the effects of gra**
Fortunately all the barriers which keep a person from getting high
Are easily overcome once you know them
The first barrier to overcome
Is the belief that smoking gra** gives one a kick
It does not
You do not get a "kick" nor a rush from gra**
The second barrier is
That there's no way to know how you're supposed to feel
So you don't know what to look for
And the third barrier is a roadblock
You papers please
(Um I only have a pipe man)
Then you better come with me