Every morning when I wake
There are several precautions I take
First I get into a tub
Then I wash and then I scrub
Then I down my negligee
And I gargle and I spray
And I keep my teeth clean
With a can of gasoline
With a hose I get rid of the last bit of grit
And I spray the whole house with a gallon of Flit
And when every corner is shiny and bright
I know that I've done what is healthy and right
It's great to lead an antiseptic life
No doubt about it
Found out about it
Since kissing carries germs I've gotten wise
And every girl I kiss, I pasteurize
It's great to lead an antiseptic life
There's lots I know now
I take it slow now
Since dirt can often get into your glands
Before I take a bath I wash my hands
I never take chances
On parties or dances
Regardless of season or clime
I don't go to plays
Or clubs or cafés
Because people there breathe all the time
It's great to lead an antiseptic life
I seek protection
Against infection
And when I die I'll say with my last breath:
"It's great to die an antiseptic d**h!"
How it pained me to discover
That I could not be a lover
Though the girl may be as lovely as they come
But when I'm filled with deep emotion
I pa** girls a cleaning lotion
And I scrub'em of with Super Suds and Mum
I masked my frustration
For the sake of sanitation
And at night on my pillows
I don't count sheep – I count bacillas
It's great to have an antiseptic wife
For every hour
We take a shower
And gargling is a habit that she loves
Whenever we hold hands we both wear rubber gloves
She uses Palmolive, Pepsodent and Lifebuoy by the score
Duz does everything, but she does more
She uses Listerine and Kolynos and Lux to my delight
And her soul is Rinso white
She serves sterilized frica**ees
And deodorized cheese
She broils the most hygienic steaks
And when it comes to making love she's got what it takes
Of course kissing is wonderful, but being germ-free is better
So I won't let her!