"I promis'd you an account of what befel me, and am now resolv'd to be
As good as my word, being so met to our desires; not only to improve
Our learning, but to be merry, and put life in our discourse with
Pleasanter tales
"Fabricius Vejento has already, and that wittily, handled the juggle
Of religion, and withal discover'd with what impudence and ignorance
Priests pretend to be inspir'd: But are not our wrangling pleaders
Possest with the same frenzy? who can't it? These wounds I receiv'd in
Defence of your liberty; this eye was lost in your service; lend me a
Hand to hand me to my children, for my faltering hams are not able to
Support me
"Yet even this might pa** for tolerable, did it put young beginners in
The least way to well-speaking. Whereas now, what with the inordinate
Swelling of matter, and the empty ratling of words, they only gain
This, That when they come to appear in publick, they think themselves
In another world. And therefore I look upon the young fry of
Collegiates as likely to make the most helpful blockheads, because
They neither hear nor see any thing that is in use among men: But a
Company of pirates with their chains on the shoar; tyrants issuing
Proclamations to make children k** their fathers; the answers of
Oracles in a plague-time, that three or more virgins be sacrific'd to
Appease the gods; dainty fine honey-pellets of words, and everything
So said and done, as if it were all spice and garnish
"Those that are thus bred can no more understand, than those that live
In a kitchin not stink of the grease. Give me, with your favour
Leave to say, 'twas you first lost the good grace of speaking; for
With light idle gingles of words to make sport ye have brought it to
This, That the substance of oratory is become effeminate and sunk
"Young men were not kept to this way of declaiming when Sophocles and
Euripides influenc'd the age. Nor yet had any blind alley-professor
Foil'd their inclinations, when Pindar and the Nine Lyricks durst not
Attempt Homer's Numbers: And that I may not bring my authority from
Poets, 'tis certain, neither Plato nor Demosthenes ever made it their
Practice: A stile one would value, and as I may call it, a chast
Oration, is not splatchy nor swoll'n, but rises with a natural beauty
"This windy and irregular way of babbling came lately out of Asia into
Athens; and having, like some ill planet, blasted the aspiring genius
Of their youth, at once corrupted and put a period to all true
Eloquence
"After this, who came up to the height of Thucydides? Who reach'd the
Fame of Hyperedes? Nay, there was hardly a verse of a right strain:
But all, as of the same batch, di'd with their author. Painting also
Made no better an end, after the boldness of the Egyptians ventur'd to
Bring so great an art into a narrower compa**."
At this and the like rate my self once declaim'd, when one Agamemnon
Made up to us, and looking sharply on him, whom the mob with such
Diligence observ'd, he would not suffer me to declaim longer in the
Portico, than he had sweated in the school; "But, young man," said he
"because your discourse is beyond the common apprehension, and, which
Is not often seen, that you are a lover of understanding, I won't
Deceive you: The masters of these schools are not to blame, who think
It necessary to be mad with mad men: For unless they teach what their
Scholars approve, they might, as Cicero says, keep school to
Themselves: like flattering smell-feasts, who when they come to great
Men's tables study nothing more than what they think may be most
Agreeable to the company (as well knowing they shall never obtain what
They would, unless they first spread a net for their bars) so a master
Of eloquence, unless fisherman like, he bait his hook with what he
Knows the fish will bite at, may wait long enough on the rock without
Hopes of catching any thing
"Where lies the fault then? Parents ought to be sharply reprehended
Who will not have their children come on by any strict method; but in
This, as in all things, are so fond of making a noise in the world;
And in such haste to compa** their wishes, that they hurry them in
Publick e'er they have digested what they have read, and put children
E'er they are well past their s**ing-bottle, upon the good grace of
Speaking, than which even themselves confess, nothing is greater:
Whereas if they would suffer them to come up by degrees, that their
Studies might be temper'd with grave lectures; their affections
Fashion'd by the dictates of wisdom; that they might work themselves
Into a mastery of words; and for a long time hear, what they're
Inclined to imitate, nothing that pleas'd children, wou'd be admir'd
By them. But now boys trifle in the schools, young men are laugh'd at
In publick, and, which is worse than both, what every one foolishly
Takes up in his youth, no one will confess in his age. But that I may
Not be thought to condemn Lucilius, as written in haste, I also will
Give you my thoughts in verse
"Who ere wou'd with ambitious just desire
To mastery in so fire an art aspire
Must all extreams first diligently shun
And in a settled course of vertue run
Let him not fortune with stiff greatness climb
Nor, courtier-like, with cringes undermine:
Nor all the brother blockheads of the pot
Ever persuade him to become a sot;
Nor flatter poets to acquire the fame
Of, I protest, a pretty gentleman
But whether in the war he wou'd be great
Or, in the gentler arts that rule a state;
Or, else his amorous breast he wou'd improve
Well to receive the youthful cares of love
In his first years to poetry inclin'd
Let Homer's spring bedew his fruitful mind;
His manlier years to manlier studies brought
Philosophy must next imply his thought
Then let his boundless soul new glories fire
And to the great Demosthenes aspire
When round in throngs the list'ning people come
T'admire what sprung in Greece so slow at home
Rais'd to this height, your leisure hours engage
In something just and worthy of the stage;
Your choice of words from Cicero derive
And in your poems you design shou'd live
The joys of feasts, and terrors of a war
More pleasing those, and these more frightful are
When told by you, than in their acting were:
And thus, enrich'd with such a golden store
You're truly fit to be an orator."
While I was wholly taken up with Agamemnon, I did not observe how
Ascyltos had given me the slip, and as I continu'd my diligence, a
Great crowd of scholars fill'd the portico, to hear, (as it appear'd
Afterwards) an extemporary declamation, of I know not whom, that was
Discanting on what Agamemnon had said; while therefore they ridicul'd
His advice, and condemn'd the order of the whole, I took an
Opportunity of getting from them, and ran in quest of Ascyltos: But
The hurry I was in, with my ignorance where our inn lay, so distracted
Me, that what way soever I went, I return'd by the same, till tir'd in
The pursuit, and all in a sweat, I met an old herb-woman: And, "I
Beseech ye, mother," quoth I, "do you know whereabouts I dwell?"
Pleas'd with the simplicity of such a home-bred jest, "Why should I
Not?" answer'd she; and getting on her feet went on before me: I
Thought her no less than a witch: but, having led me into a bye lane
She threw off her pyebal'd patch't-mantle, and "here," quoth she, "you
Can't want a lodging."
While I was denying I knew the house, I observ'd a company of beaux
Reading the bills o'er the cells, on which was inscrib'd the name of
The who*e and her price; and others of the same function naked
Scuttling it here and there, as if they would not, yet would be seen:
When too late I found my self in a bawdy-house, cursing the jade that
Had trapan'd me thither, I cover'd my head and was just making off
Through the midst of them, when in the very entry Ascyltos met me, but
As tir'd as my self, and in a manner dead; you'd have sworn the same
Old woman brought him. I could not forbear laughing, but having
Saluted each other, I ask'd what business he had in so scandalous a
Place? He wip'd his face, and "if you knew," said he, "what has
Happened to me--" "As what?" quoth I
He faintly reply'd "When I had rov'd the whole city without finding
Where I had left the inn, the master of this house came up to me, and
Kindly profer'd to be my guide; so through many a cross lane and blind
Turning, having brought me to this house, he drew his weapon and prest
For a closer ingagement. In this affliction the who*e of the cell
Also demanded garnish-money; and he laid such hands on me, that had I
Not been too strong for him, I had gone by the worst of it."
While Ascyltos was telling his tale, in come the same fellow, with a
Woman, none of the least agreeable, and looking upon Ascyltos
Entreated him to walk in and fear nothing, for if he would not be
Pa**ive he might be active: the woman on the other hand press'd me to
Go in with her. We follow'd therefore, and being led among those
Bills, we saw many of both s**es at work in the cells, so much every
Of them seem'd to have taken a provocative
Nor were we sooner discover'd than they wou'd have been at us with the
Like impudence, and in a trice one of them, his coat tuck'd under his
Girdle, laid hold on Ascyltos, and threw him athwart a couch: I
Presently ran to help the undermost, and putting our strengths
Together, we made nothing of the troublesome fool. Ascyltos went off
And flying, left me expos'd to the fury; but, thanks to my strength, I
Got off without hurt
I had almost traverst the city round, when through the dusk I saw Gito
On the beggars-bench of our inn; I made up to him, and going in, ask'd
Him, what Ascyltos had got us for dinner? the boy sitting down on the
Bed, began to wipe the tears that stood in his eyes; I was much
Concern'd at it, and ask'd him the occasion; he was slow in his
Answer, and seem'd unwilling; but mixing threats with my intreaties;
"'Twas that brother or comrogue of yours," said he, "that coming ere
While into our lodging, wou'd have been at me, and put hard for it
When I cry'd out, he drew his sword, and 'if thou art a Lucreece,'
Said he, 'thou hast met a Tarquin.'"
I heard him, and shaking my fist at Ascyltos; "What saist thou," said
I, "thou catamite, whose very breath is tainted?"
He dissembled at first a great trembling, but presently throwing my
Arms aside, in a higher voice cry'd out: "Must you be prating, thou
Ribaldrous cut-throat whom, condemn'd for murdring thine host, nothing
But the fall of the stage could have sav'd? You make a noise, thou
Night-pad, who when at thy best hadst never to do with any woman but a
Bawd? On what account, think ye, was I the same to you in the aviary
That the boy here, now is!"
"And who but you," interrupted I, "gave me that slip in the portico?"
"Why what, my Man of Gotham," continu'd he, "must I have done, when I
Was dying for hunger? Hear sentence forsooth, that is, the ratling of
Broken gla**es, and the expounding of dreams? So help me Hercules, as
Thou art the greater rogue of the two, who to get a meals meat wert
Not asham'd to commend an insipid rhimer." When at last, having
Turn'd the humour from scolding to laughing, we began to talk soberly
But the late injury still sticking in my stomach, "Ascyltos," said I
"I find we shall never agree together, therefore let's divide the
Common stock, and each of us set up for himself: Thou'rt a piece of a
Scholar, and I'll be no hindrance to thee, but think of some other
Way; for otherwise we shall run into a thousand mischiefs, and become
Town-talk."
Ascyltos was not against it; and "Since we have promis'd," said he
"as scholars, to sup together, let's husband the night too: and
To-morrow I'll get me a new lodging, and some comrade or other."
"'Tis irksome," said I, "to defer what we like" (the itch of the flesh
Occasion'd this hasty parting, tho' I had been a long time willing to
Shake off so troublesome an observer of my actions, that I might renew
My old intrigue with my Gito)
Ascyltos taking it as an affront, without answering, went off in a
Heat: I was too well acquainted with his subtle nature, and the
Violence of his love, not to fear the effects of so suddain a breach
And therefore made after him, both to observe his designs and prevent
Them; but losing sight of him, was a long time in pursuit to no
Purpose
When I had search'd the whole town, I return'd to my lodging, where
The ceremony of kisses ended, I got my boy to a closer hug, and
Enjoying my wishes, thought myself happy even to envy: Nor had I done
When Ascyltos stole to the door, and springing the bolt, found us at
Leap-frog; upon which, clapping his hands, he fell a laughing, and
Turning me out of the saddle; "What," said he, "most reverend
Gentleman, what were you doing, my brother sterling?" Not content
With words only, but untying the thong that bound his wallet, he gave
Me a warning, and with other reproaches, "As you like this, so be for
Parting again."
The unexpectedness of the thing made me take no notice of it, but
Politickly turn it off with a laugh; for otherwise I must have been at
Loggar-heads with my rival: Whereas sweetening him with a counterfeit
Mirth, I brought him also to laugh for company: "And you, Encolpius,"
Began he, "are so wrapt in pleasures, you little consider how short
Our money grows, and what we have left will turn to no account:
There's nothing to be got in town this summertime, we shall have
Better luck in the country; let's visit our friends."
Necessity made me approve his advice, as well as conceal the smart of
His lash; so loading Gito with our baggage, we left the city, and went
To the house of one Lycurgus, a Roman knight; who, because Ascyltos
Had formerly been his pathick, entertain'd us handsomly; and the
Company, we met there, made our diversions the pleasanter: For, first
There was Tryphœna, a very beautiful woman, that had come with one
Lycas, the owner of a ship, and of a small seat, that lay next the
Sea
The delight we receiv'd in this place was more than can be exprest
Tho' Lycurgus's table was thrifty enough: The first thing was every
One to chuse his play-mate: The fair Tryphœna pleas'd me, and
Readily inclin'd to me; but I had scarce given her the courtesie of
The house, when Lycas storming to have his old amour slockt from him
Accus'd me at first of under-dealing; but soon from a rival addressing
Himself as a lover, he pleasantly told me, I must repair his damages
And plyed me hotly: But Tryphœna having my heart, I could not lend
Him an ear. The refusal set him the sharper; he follow'd me
Where-ever I went, and getting into my chamber at night, when entreaty
Did no good, he fell to downright violence; but I rais'd such an
Outcry that I wak'd the whole house, and, by the help of Lycurgus, got
Rid of him for that bout
At length perceiving Lycurgus's house was not for his purpose, he
Would have persuaded me to his own; but I rejecting the proffer, he
Made use of Tryphœna's authority; and she the rather persuaded me
To yield to him, because she was in hopes of living more at liberty
There. I follow'd therefore whither my love led me; but Lycurgus
Having renew'd his old concern with Ascyltos, wou'd not suffer him to
Depart: At last we agreed, that he shou'd stay with Lycurgus, and we
Go with Lycas: Over and beside which, it was concluded, that every of
Us, as opportunity offer'd, should pilfer what he could for the common
Stock
Lycas was overjoy'd at my consent, and so hasten'd our departure
That, taking leave of our friends, we arriv'd at his house the same
Day. But in our pa**age he so order'd the matter that he sate next
Me, and Tryphœna next Gito, which he purposely contriv'd to show
The notorious lightness of that woman; nor was he mistaken in her, for
She presently grew hot upon the boy: I was quickly jealous, and Lycas
So exactly remark'd it to me, that he soon confirm'd my suspicion of
Her. On this I began to be easier to him, which made him all joy, as
Being a**ur'd the unworthiness of my new mistress wou'd beget my
Contempt of her, and resenting her slight, I shou'd receive him with
The better will
So stood the matter while we were at Lycas's: Tryphœna was
Desperately in love with Gito; Gito again as wholly devoted to her; I
Car'd least for the sight of either of them; and Lycas studying to
Please me, found me every day some new diversion: In all which also
His wife Doris, a fine woman, strove to exceed him, and that so gayly
That she presently thrust Tryphœna from my heart: I gave her the
Wink, and she return'd her consent by as wanton a twinckle; so that
This dumb rhetorick going before the tongue, secretly convey'd each
Others mind
I knew Lycas was jealous, which kept me tongue-ty'd so long, and the
Love he bore his wife made him discover to her, his inclination to me:
But the first opportunity we had of talking together, she related to
Me what she had learn'd from him; and I frankly confess'd it, but
Withal told her how absolutely averse I had ever been to't: "Well
Then," quoth the discreet woman, "we must try our wits, according to
His own opinion, the permission was one's, and the possession
Another's."
By this time Gito had been worn off his legs, and was gathering new
Strength, when Tryphœna came back to me, but disappointed of her
Expectations, her love turn'd to a downright fury; and, all on fire
With following me to no purpose, got into my intrigue both with Lycas
And his wife: She made no account of his gamesomeness with me, as well
Knowing it wou'd hinder no grist to her mill: But for Doris, she never
Left till she had found out our private amours, and gave a hint of it
To Lycas; whose jealousie having got the upper hand of his love, ran
All to revenge; but Doris, advertis'd by Tryphœna's woman, to
Divert the storm, forbore any such meetings
As soon as I perceiv'd it, having curs'd the treachery of Tryphœna
And the ingratitude of Lycas, I began to make off, and fortune
Favour'd me: For a ship consecrated to the Goddess Isis, laden with
Rich spoils, had the day before run upon the rocks
Gito and I laid our heads together, and he was as willing as my self
To be gone; for Tryphœna having drawn him dry, began now not to be
So fond of him. Early the next morning therefore we march'd to
Sea-ward, where with the less difficulty we got on board the ship
Because we were no strangers to Lycas's servants then in wait upon
Her: They still honouring us with their company, it was not a time to
Filch any thing; but, leaving Gito with them, I took an opportunity of
Getting into the stern, where the image of Isis stood, and strip'd her
Of a rich mantle, and silver taber, lifting other good booty out of
The master's cabin, I stole down by a rope, unseen by any but Gito;
Who also gave them the slip and sculk'd after me
As soon as I saw him I shew'd him the purchase, and both of us
Resolv'd to make what haste we could to Ascyltos, but Lycurgus's house
Was not to be reach'd the same day: When we came to Ascyltos we shew'd
Him the prize, and told him in short the manner of getting it, and how
We were made a meer may-game of love: He advis'd us to prepossess
Lycurgus with our case, and make him our friend ere the others could
See him; and withal boldly a**ert it, that the trick Lycas would have
Served them, was the only cause why they stole away so hastily; which
When Lycurgus came to understand, he swore he would at all times
Protect us against our enemies
Our fight was unknown till Tryphœna and Doris were got out of bed;
For we daily attended their levy, and waited on them while they were
Dressing; but, when contrary to custom they found us missing, Lycas
Tent after us, and especially to the sea-side, for he had heard we
Made that way, but not a word of the pillage, for the ship lay
Somewhat to sea-ward, and the master had not yet return'd on board
But at last it being taken for granted we had run away, and Lycas
Becoming uneasie for want of us, fell desperately foul on his wife
Whom he suppos'd to be the cause of our departure: I'll take no notice
Of what words and blows past between them; I know not every
Particular: I'll only say, Tryphœna, the mother of mischief, had
Put Lycas in the head, that it might so be, we had taken sanctuary at
Lycurgus's, where she persuaded him to go in quest of the runnagates
And promis'd to bear him company, that she might confound our
Impudence with just reproaches
The next day they accordingly set forward, and came to his house; but
We were out of the way: For Lycurgus was gone to a festival in honour
Of Hercules, held at a neighbouring village, and had taken us with
Him, of which when the others were inform'd, they made what haste they
Could to us, and met us in the portico of the temple. The sight of
Them very much disordered us: Lycas eagerly complained of our flight
To Lycurgus, but was received with such a bended brow, and so haughty
A look, that I grew valiant upon't, and with an open throat charg'd
Him with his beastly attempts upon me, as well at Lycurgus's as in his
Own house; and Tryphœna endeavouring to stop my mouth, had her
Share with him, for I set out her harlotry to the mob, who were got
About us to hear the scolding: And as a proof of what I said, I shew'd
Them poor sapless Gito, and my self also, whom that itch of the who*e
Had even brought to our graves
The shout of the mob put our enemies so out of countenance that they
Went off heavily, but contriving a revenge; and therefore observing
How we had put upon Lycurgus, they went back to expect him at his
House, and set him right again. The solemnity ending later than was
Expected, we could not reach Lycurgus's that night, and therefore he
Brought us to a half-way house, but left us asleep next morning, and
Went home to despatch some business, where he found Lycas and
Tryphœna waiting for him, who so ordered the matter with him, that
They brought him to secure us. Lycurgus naturally barbarous and
Faithless, began to contrive which way to betray us, and sent Lycas to
Get some help, whilst he secured us in the village
Thither he came, ard at his first entry, treated us as Lycas had done:
After which wringing his hands together, he upbraided us with the lye
We had made of Lycas, and taking Ascyltos from us, lock'd us up in the
Room where we were, without so much as hearing him speak in our
Defence; but carrying him to his house, set a guard upon us, till
Himself should return
On the road Ascyltos did what he could to mollifie Lycurgus; but
Neither entreaties, nor love, nor tears doing any good on him, it came
Into our comerades head to set us at liberty, and being all on fire at
Lycurgus's restiness, refus'd to bed with him that night, and by that
Means the more easily put in execution what he had been thinking on
The family was in their dead sleep when Ascyltos took our fardels on
His shoulders, and getting through a breach in the wall, which he had
Formerly taken notice of, came to the village by break of day, and
Meeting no one to stop him, boldly enter'd it and came up to our
Chamber; which the guard that was upon us, took care to secure; but
The bar being of wood, he easily wrenched it with an iron crow, and
Waken'd us; for we snor'd in spight of fortune
Our guard had so over-watched themselves, that they were fall'n into a
Dead sleep, and we only wak'd at the crack. To be short, Ascyltos
Came in and briefly told us what he had done for our sakes: On this we
Got up; and as we were rigging our selves, it came into my head to
k** the guard, and rifle the village; I told Ascyltos my mind. He
Liked the rifling well enough, but gave us a wish'd delivery without
Blood, for being acquainted with every corner of the house, he pick'd
The lock of an inner-room where the movables lay, and bringing us into
It, we lifted what was of most value, and got off while it was yet
Early in the morning; avoiding the common road, and not resting till
We thought our selves out of danger
Then Ascyltos having got heart again, began to amplifie the delight he
Took in having pillag'd Lycurgus; of whose miserableness he, not
Without cause, complain'd; for he neither paid him for his nights
Service, nor kept a table that had either meat, or drink on't, being
Such a sordid pinch-peny; that, notwithstanding his infinite wealth
He deny'd himself the common necessaries of life
Unhappy Tantalus, amidst the flood
Where floating apple on the surface roll'd
Ever pursu'd them with a longing eye
Yet could not thurst nor hunger satisfie
Such is the miser's fate; who midst his store
Fearing to use, is miserably poor
Ascyltos would have been for Naples the same day, had I not told him
How imprudent it was to take up there, where, forasmuch as could be
Conjectur'd, we were most likely to be sought after: "And therefore,''
Said I, "let's keep out of the way for the present, and, since we have
Enough to keep us from want, stroul it about till the heat be over."
The advice was approv'd, and we set forward for a pleasant
Country-town, where we were sure to meet some of our acquaintance that
Were taking the benefit of the season: But we were scarce got half
Way, when a shower of rain emptying it self upon us like buckets
Forc'd us into the next village; where entring the inn, we saw a great
Many others that had also struck in, to avoid the storm. The throng
Kept us from being taken notice of, and gave us the opportunity of
Prying here and there, what we might filch in a crowd, when Ascyltos
Unheeded of any one, took a purse from the ground, in which he found
Several pieces of gold; we leap'd for joy at so fortunate a beginning;
But fearing, lest some or other might seek after it, we slunk out at a
Back-door, where we saw a groom saddling his horses; but, as having
Forgotten somewhat, he run into the house leaving behind him an
Embroider'd mantle, mail'd to one of the saddles: In his absence I cut
The straps and under the covert of some out-sheds we made off with it
To a neighbouring forest. Being more out of danger among the thickets
We cast about where we should hide the gold that we might not be
Either charg'd with the felony, or robb'd of it our selves: At last we
Concluded to sow it in the lining of an old patcht coat which I threw
Over my shoulders and entrusted the care of the mantle to Ascyltos, in
Design to get to the city by cross-ways: But as we were going out we
Heard somewhat on our left hand to this purpose: "They shall not
Escape us; they came into the wood; let's separate ourselves and beat
About, that we may the better discover and take them." This put us
Into such a fright that Ascyltos and Gito fled through briars and
Brambles to the city-ward; but I turn'd back again in such a hurry
That without perceiving it the precious coat drop'd from my shoulders:
At last being quite tir'd and not able to go any further, I laid me
Down under the shelter of a tree where I first miss'd the coat: Then
Grief restor'd my strength, and up I got again to try if I could
Recover the treasure; I ran hither and thither and every where but to
No purpose; but spent and wasted between toil and heaviness, I got
Into a thicket, where having tarried four hours, and half dead with
The horror of the place, I sought the way out; but going forward, a
Country-man came in sight of me: Then I had need of all my confidence
Nor did it fail me: I went up roundly to him, and making my moan how I
Had lost my self in the wood, desir'd him tell me the was to the city:
He pittying my figure (for I was as pale as d**h, and all bemir'd)
Ask'd me if I had seen any one in the wood? I answer'd, not a
Soul--on which he courteously brought me into the highway, where he
Met two of his friends, who told him, they had travers'd the wood
Thro' and thro' but had light upon nothing but a coat, which they
Shew'd him
It may easily be believed I had not the courage to challenge it, tho'
I knew well enough what the value of it was: This struck me more than
All the rest; however, bewailing my treasure, the country-man not
Heeding me, and feebleness growing upon me, I slacken'd my pace, and
Jogg'd on slower than ordinarily
It was longer e're I reach'd the city than I thought of; but coming to
The inn, I found Ascyltos half dead, and stretcht on a straw pallet
And fell on another my self, not able to utter a word: He missing the
Coat was in a great disorder, and hastily demanded of me, what was
Become of it: I on the other hand, scarce able to draw my breath
Resolv'd him by my languishing eyes, what my tongue would not give me
Leave to speak: At length recovering by little and little, I plainly
Told him the ill luck I had met with: But he thought I jested, and
Tho' the tears in my eyes might have been as full evidence to him as
An oath, he yet questioned the truth of what I said, and would not
Believe but I had a mind to cheat him. During this, Gito stood as
Troubled as my self, and the boy's sadness increased mine: But the
Fresh suit that was after us, distracted me most. I opened the whole
To Ascyltos who seem'd little concern'd at it, as having luckily got
Off for the present, and withal a**ur'd himself, that we were past
Danger, in that we were neither known, nor seen by any one: However
It was thought fit to pretend a sickness, that we might have the
Better pretext to keep where we were: But our monies falling shorter
Than we thought of, and necessity enforcing us, we found it high time
To sell some of our pillage
It was almost dark, when going into the brokers market, we saw
Abundance of things to be bought and sold: of no extraordinary value
'tis true; yet such whose night-walking trade, the dusk of the evening
Might easily conceal. We also had the mantle with us, and taking the
Opportunity of a blind corner, fell a shaking the skirt of it, to try
If so glittering a shew would bring us a purchaser; nor had we been
Long there, e're a certain country-man, whom I thought I had seen
Before, came up to us with a hussye that follow'd him, and began to
Consider the mantle more narrowly, as on rhe other side did Ascyltos
Our country chapman's shoulders, which presently startled him, and
Struck him dumb, nor could my self behold 'em without being concern'd
At it, for he seemed to me to be the same fellow that had found the
Coat in the wood, as in truth he was: But Ascyltos doubting whether he
Might trust his eyes or not, and that he might not do any thing
Rashly, first came nearer to him as a buyer, and taking the coat from
His shoulders, began to cheapen, and turn it more carefully. O the
Wonderful vagaries of fortune! for the country-man had not so much as
Examined a seam of it, but carelessly exposed it as beggars-booty
Ascyltos seeing the coat unript, and the person of the seller
Contemptible, took me aside from the crowd: And "Don't you see
Brother," said he, "the treasure I made such moan about is returned?
That's the coat with the gold in't, all safe and untoucht: What
Therefore do we do, or what course shall we take to get our own
Again?"
I now comforted, not so much that I had seen the booty, but had
Clear'd my self of the suspicion that lay upon me, was by no means for
Going about the bush, but down-right bringing an action against him
That if the fellow would not give up the coat to the right owner, we
Might recover it by law:
Laws bear the name, but money has the power;
The cause is bad when e'er the client's poor:
Those strickt liv'd men that seem above our world
Are oft too modest to resist our gold
So judgment, like our other wares, is sold;
And the grave knight that nods upon the laws
Wak'd by a fee, hems, and approves the cause
Ascyltos on the other side afraid of the law, "Who," said he, "knows
Us in this place, or will give any credit to what we say? I am clear
For buying it, tho' we know it to be our own, and rather recover the
Treasure with a little money, than embroil our selves in an uncertain
Suit"; but we had not above a couple of groats ready money, and that
We design'd should buy us somewhat to eat. Least therefore the coat
Should be gone in the mean time, we agreed, rather than fail, to sell
The mantle at a lower price, that the advantage we got by the one
Might make what we lost by the other more easie
As soon therefore as we had spread open the mantle, the woman that
Stood muffled by the country-man, having pryingly taken notice of some
Tokens about it, forceably laid both hands on't, and setting up her
Throat, cryed out, "Thieves, thieves!"
We on the t'other part being disordered at it, lest yet he might seem
To do nothing, got hold of the totter'd coat, and as spitefully
Roar'd, they had robb'd us of it: But our case was in no wise like
Theirs, and the rabble that came in to the out-cry, ridicul'd, as they
Were won't, the weaker side, in that the others laid claim to so rich a
Mantle, and we to a ragged coat, scarce worth a good patch. At this
Ascyltos could hardly keep his countenance; but the noise being over
We see, said he, how every one likes his own best, give us our coat
And let them take the mantle
The country-man and the woman lik'd the exchange well enough, but a
Sort of petty-foggers, most of whose business was such night practice
Having a mind to get the mantle themselves, as importunately required
That both mantle and coat should be left in their hands, and the judge
Would hear their complaints on the morrow: For it was not the things
Alone that seem'd to be in dispute, but quite another matter to be
Enquir'd into, to wit, a strong suspicion of robbery on both sides
At last it was agreed to put both into some indifferent hand, till the
Right were determin'd; when presently one, I know not who, with a bald
Pate, and a face full of pimples, he had been formerly a kind of
Solicitor, steps out of the rout, and laying hold on the mantle, said
He'd be security it should be forth-coming the next day: when in truth
He intended nothing more, but that having gotten it into hucksters
Hands, it might be smugled among them, as believing we would never
Come to own it, for fear of being taken up for it; for our part we
Were as willing as he; and an accident befriended both of us: For the
Country-man thinking scorn of it, that we demanded to have the patcht
Coat given us, threw it at Ascyltos's head, and discharging us of
Everything but the mantle, required that to be secur'd as the only
Cause of the dispute. Having therefore recovered, as we thought, our
Treasure, we made all the haste we could to the inn, and having shut
The door upon us, made our selves merry, as well with the Judgment of
The rabble as of our detractors, who with so much circumspection had
Restor'd us our money
While we were ripping the coat and taking out the gold, we overheard
Somebody asking mine host, what kind of people those were that had
Just now come in, and being startled at it, I went down to see what
Was the matter, and understood that a city serjeant, who according to
The duty of his office, took an account of all strangers, and had seen
A couple come into the inn, whose names he had not yet registered, and
Therefore, inquired of what country they were, and what way of living
They had
But mine host gave me such a blind account of it, that I began to
Suspect we were not safe there; whereupon for fear of being taken up
We thought fit to go off for the present, and not come back again till
It was in the night, but leave the care of our supper to Gito
We had resolv'd to keep out of the broad streets, and accordingly took
Our walk thro' that quarter of the city where we were likely to meet
Least company; when in a narrow winding lane that had not pa**age
Thro', we saw somewhat before us, two comely matron-like women, and
Followed them at a distance to a chappel, which they entred, whence we
Heard an odd humming kind of noise, as if it came from the hollow of a
Cave: Curiosity also made us go in after them, where we saw a number
Of women, as mad as they had been sacrificing to Bacchus, and each of
Them an amulet (the ensign of Priapus) in her hand. More than that we
Could not get to see; for they no sooner perceived us, than they set
Up such a shout, that the roof of the temple shook agen, and withal
Endeavoured to lay hands on us; but we scamper'd and made what haste
We could to the inn
Nor had we sooner stuff'd our selves with the supper Gito had got for
Us, when a more than ordinary bounce at the door, put us into another
Fright; and when we, pale as d**h, ask'd who was there, 'twas
Answer'd, "Open the door and you'll see:" While we were yet talking
The bolt drop'd off, and the door flew open, on which, a woman with
Her head muffl'd came in upon us, but the same who a little before had
Stood by the country-man in the market: "And what," said she, "do you
Think to put a trick upon me? I am Quartilla's maid, whose sacred
Recess you so lately disturb'd: she is at the inn-gate and desires to
Speak with ye: not that she either taxes your inadvertency, or has a
Mind to so resent it, but rather wonders, what god brought such civil
Gentlemen into her quarters."
We were silent as yet, and gave her the hearing, but inclin'd to
Neither part of what she had said, when in came Quartilla herself
Attended with a young girl, and sitting down by me, fell a weeping:
Nor here also did we offer a word, but stood expecting what those
Tears at command meant. At last when the showre had emptied it self
She disdainfully turn'd up her hood and clinching her fingers
Together, till the joints were ready to crack, "What impudence," said
She, "is this? or where learnt ye those shamms, and that slight of
Hand ye have so lately been beholding to? By my faith, young men, I
Am sorry for ye; for no one beheld what was unlawful for him to see
And went off unpunisht: and verily our part of the town has so many
Deities, you'll sooner find a god than a man in't: And that you may
Not think I came hither to be revenged on ye, I am more concern'd for
Your youth, than the injury ye have done me: for unawares, as I yet
Think, ye have committed an unexpiable abomination
"For my part it troubled me all night, and threw me into such a
Shaking, that I was afraid I had gotten a tertian, on which I took
Somewhat to have made me sleep; but the god appeared to me, and
Commanded me to rise and find ye out, as the likeliest way to take off
The violence of the fit. But I am not so much in pain for a remedy
As that a greater anguish strikes me to the heart, and will
Undoubtedly make an end of me, for fear in one of your youthful
Frolicks, you should disclose what you saw in Priapus's chappel, and
Utter the counsels of the gods among the people. Low as your knees, I
Therefore lift my hands t'ye, that ye neither make sport of our
Night-worship, nor dishonour the mysteries of so many years, which
'tis not every one, even among our selves, that knows."
After this she fell a crying again, and with many a pittiful groan
Fell flat on my bed: when I at the same time, between pity and fear
Bid her take courage and a**ure her self of both; for that we would
Neither divulge those holy mysteries; nor if the god had prescribed
Her any other remedy fot her ague, be wanting our selves to a**ist
Providence, even with our own hazard
At this promise of mine, becoming more chearful, she fell a kissing me
Thick and threefold, and turning the humour of tears into laughing
She comb'd up some hair that hung over my face with her fingers, and
"I come to a truce with ye," said she, "and discharge ye of the
Process I intended against you: but if ye shou'd refuse me the
Medicine I entreat of ye for the ague, I have fellows enough will be
Ready by to morrow, that shall both vindicate my reputation, and
Revenge the affront ye put upon me
"Contempt's dishono'rable, and the giver rude
T'advise the doctor, speaks the patient proud:
But l am mistress of my self so far
I can pay scorn with scorn without a war:
The wise revenge is to neglect the ill
They're not the only conquerours that k**."
Then clapping her hands together, she turn'd off to so violent a
Laughter, that made us apprehensive of some design against us; the
Same also did the woman that came in first, and the girl that came
With her; but so mimically, that seeing no reason for so sudden a
Change, we one while star'd on one another, and otherwhile on the
Woman
At length, quoth Quartilla, "I have commanded, that no flesh alive be
Suffered to come into this inn to day; that I may receive from you the
Medicine for the ague without interruption."
At what time Ascyltos was a little amaz'd, and I so chill'd that I had
Not power to utter a word: But the company gave me heart not to expect
Worse, for they were but three women, and if they had any design, must
Yet be too weak to effect it against us, who if we had nothing more of
Man about us, had yet that figure to befriend us: We were all girt up
For the purpose, and I had so contriv'd the couples, that if it must
Come to a rancounter, I was to make my part good with Quartilla
Ascyltos with her woman, and Gito the girl
While I was thus casting the matter in my head, Quartilla came up to
Me, to cure me of the ague, but finding her self disappointed, flew
Off in a rage, and returning in a little while, told us, there were
Certain persons unknown, had a design upon us, and therefore commanded
To remove us into a noble palace
Here all our courage fail'd us, and nothing but certain d**h seem'd
To appear before us
Then I began, "If, madam, you design to be more severe with us, be yet
So kind as to dispatch it quickly; for whate'er our offence be, it is
Not so hainous that we ought to be rack'd to d**h for it": Upon which
Her woman, whose name was Psyche, spread a coverlet on the floor
Sollicitavit inguina mea mille iam mortibus frigida. Ascyltos muffled
His head in his coat, as having had a hint given him, how dangerous it
Was to take notice of what did not concern him. In the mean time
Psyche took off her garters, and with one of them bound my feet, and
With the other my hands
Thus fetter'd as I lay, "This, madam," said I, "is not the way to rid
You of your ague." "I grant it," answer'd Psyche, "but I have a Dose
At hand will infallibly do it" and therefore brought me a lusty bowl
Of satyricon, (a love-potion) and so merrily ran over the wonderful
Effects of it, that I had well-nigh s**'d it all off; but because
Ascyltos had slighted her courtship, she finding his back towards her
Threw the bottom of it on him
Ascyltos perceiving the chat was at an end, "Am not I worthy," said
He, "to get a sup?" And Psyche fearing my laughter might discover
Her, clapped her hands, and told him, "Young-man I made you an offer
Of it, but your friend here has drunk it all out."
"Is it so," quoth Quartilla, smiling very agreeably, "and has
Ercolpius gugg'd it all down?" At last also even Gito laught for
Company, at what time the young wench flung her arms about his neck
And meeting no resistance, half smother'd him with kisses
We would have cry'd out, but there was no one near to help us; and as
I was offering to bid 'em keep the peace, Psyche fell a nipping and
Pricking me with her bodkin: on the other side also, the young wench
Half stifled Ascyltos with a dish-clout she had rubb'd in the bowl
Lastly came leaping upon us a burdash, in a rough mantle stuck with
Myrtle, girt about him; and one while almost ground our hipps to
Powder with his bobbing at us, and other while slobber'd us with his
Nasty kisses; till Quartilla, holding her staff of office in her hand
Discharg'd us of the service; but not without having first taken an
Oath of us, that so dreadful a secret should go no further than our
Selves. Then came in a company of wrestlers, and rubb'd us over with
The yolk of an egg beaten to oil: When being somewhat refresh'd, we
Put on our right gowns, and were led into the next room, that had
Three beds in it, all well appointed, and the rest of the
Entertainment as splendidly set out. The word was given, and we sate
Down, when having whet our appetites with an excellent antipast, we
Swill'd our selves with the choicest of wine; nor was it long e'er we
Fell a nodding. "It is so," quoth Quartilla; "can ye sleep when ye
Know it is the vigil to Priapus?" at what time Ascyltos snor'd so
Soundly, that Psyche, not yet forgeting the disapointment, he gave
Her, all besooted his face, and scor'd down his shoulders with a burnt
Sticks end
Plagu'd with these mischiefs, I hardly got the least wink of sleep
Nor was the whole family, whether within doors or without, in a much
Better condition, some lay up and down at our feet, others had run
Their heads against the walls, and others lay dead asleep cross the
Threshold: The lamps also having drunk up their oil, gave a thin and
Last blaze
At this instant got in a couple of pilfering rogues to have stollen
Our wine; but while they fell a scuffling among some silver vessels
That stood upon the table, they broke the earthen pot that held the
Wine, and overthrew the table, with the plate on it, and at the same
Time also, a cup falling off the shelf on Psyche's bed, broke her head
As she lay fast asleep; on which he cry'd out, and therewith
Discovered the thieves, and wak'd some of the drunkards: The thieves
On the other hand finding themselves in a pound, threw themselves on
One of the beds, as some of the guests, and fell a snoring like the
Rest. The usher of the hall being by this time got awake, put some
More oil in the dying lamps; and the boys, having rubb'd their eyes
Return'd to their charge, when in came a woman that play'd on the
Harp, and ratling its strings, rous'd all the rest: On which the
Banquet was renew'd, and Quartilla gave the word, to go on where we
Left (that is drinking): The she harper also added not a little to our
Midnight revel
At last bolted in a shameless rascal, one of no grace either in words
Or gesture, and truly worthy of the house where he was; he also set up
His voice, 'till apishly composing himself, as if he intended somewhat
To the company, he mouth'd out these verses:
O yes! Now tumblers with your wanton tricks
Make haste, move your legs quick, make the ground drum;
With wanton arms, soft thighs, and active hips
The old, the tender, and the sweetly young
Consumptis versibus suis immundissimo me basio conspuit. Mox et super
Lectum venit atque omni vi detexit recusantem. Super inguina mea diu
Multumque frustea moluit. Profluebant per frontem sudantem acaciae
Rivi, et inter rugas malarum tantum erat cretae, ut putares detectum
Parictum nimbo laborare. Non tenui ego diutius lacrimas, sed ad
Ultiman, perductus tristitiam. "Quaeso," inquam, "domina, certe
Embasicoetan iusseras dari." Complosit illa tenerius man*s et "O"
Inquit "homincm acutum atque urbanitatis vernaculae fontem. Quid? tu
Non intellexeras cinaedum embasicoetan vocari?" Deinde ut
Contubernali meo melius succederet, "Per fidem" inquam "vestram
Ascyltos in hoc triclinio solus ferias aglt?" "Ita" inquit Quartilla
"et Ascylto embasicoetas detur." Ab hoc voce equum cinaedus mutavit
Transituque ad comitem meum facto clunibus eutn basiisque distrivit
Stabat inter haec Giton et risu disolvebat ilia sua. Itaque
Conspicata eum Quartilla, cuius esset puer, diligentissima
Sciscitatione quaesivit. Cum ego fratrem meum esse dixissem, "Quare
Ergo" inquit "me non basiavit?" Vocatumque ad se in osculum
Applicuit. Mox manum etiam demisit in sinum et pertrectato vasculo
Tam rudi "Haec" inquit "belle cras in promulside libidinis nostrae
Militabit: hodie enim post asellum diari non sumo." With that Psyche
Came tittering to her, and having whispered I know not what in her
Ear, Thou art in the right, quoth Quartilla, 'twas well thought on;
And since we have so fine an opportunity, why should not our Pannychis
Lose her maidenhead? And forthwith was brought in a pretty young
Girl, that seem'd not to be above seven years of age, and was the same
That first came into our room with Quartilla: All approv'd it with a
General clap, ard next desiring it, a wedding was struck up between
The boy and her. For my part I stood amaz'd, and a**ur'd them, that
Neither Gito, a bashful lad, was able for the drudgery, nor the girl
Of years to receive it. "Ita," inquit Quartilla, "minor eat ista quam
Ego fui, quum primum virum pa**a sum? Iunonem meam iratam habeam, si
Umquam me meminerim virginem fuisse. Nam et infans cum paribus
Inclinata sum, et subinde procedentibus annis maioribus me pueris
Applicui, donec ad hanc aetatem perveni. Hinc etiam puto proverbium
Natum illud, ut dicatur posse taurum tollere, qui vitulum sustulerit."
Least therefore my comrade might run a greater hazard, I got up to the
Wedding
And now Psyche put a flame-colour veil on the girl's head; the pathick
Led before with a flamboe, and a long train of drunken women, fell a
Shouting, and drest up the bride-chamber; Quartilla, all a-gog as the
Rest, took hold of Gito and dragg'd him in with her: But truly the boy
Made no resistance; nor seem'd the girl frighted at the name of
Matrimony. When therefore they were lockt up, we sat without, before
The threshold of the chamber; and Quartilla having waggishly slit a
Chink thro' the door, as wantonly laid an ape's eye to it; nor content
With that, pluck't me also to see that childs play, and when we were
Not peeping, would turn her lips to me, and steal a kiss
The jade's fulsomeness had so tir'd me that I began to devise which
Was to get off. I told Ascyltos my mind, and he was well pleased with
It, for he was a willing to get rid of his torment, Psyche: Nor was it
Hard to be done, if Gito had not been lockt up in the chamber; for we
Were resolved to take him with us, and not leave him the mercy of a
Bawdy-house. While we were contriving how to effect it, it so
Happened that Pannychis fell out of bed, and drew Gito after her
Without any hurt, though the girl got a small knock in the fall, and
Therewith made such a cry, that Quartilla, all in a fright, ran
Headlong in, and gave us the opportunity of getting off, and taking
The boy with us; when without more ado, we flew to our inn, and
Getting to bed, past the rest of the night without fear
But going out the next day, whom should we meet but two of those
Fellows that robb'd us of the mantle, which Ascyltos perceiving, he
Briskly attack'd one of them, and having disarm'd and desperately
Wounded him, came in to my relief; who was pressing upon the other
But he behav'd himself so well, that he wounded us both, altho' but
Slightly, and got off himself without so much as a scratch
And now came the third day, that is the expectation of an
Entertainment at Trimalchio's, where every one might speak what he
Would: But having received some wounds, we thought flight might be of
More use to us than sitting still: We got to our inn therefore, as
Fast as we could, and our wounds not being great, cured them as we lay
In bed, with wine and oyl
But the rogue whom Ascyltos had hewn down, lay in the street, and we
Were in fear of being discovered, while therefore we were pensively
Considering which way to avoid the impending storm, a servant of
Agamemnon's interrupted our fears: "And do not ye know," said he
"with whom we eat to-day? Trimalchio, a trim finical humorist has a
Clock in his dining-room, and one on purpose to let him know how many
Minutes of his life he had lost." We therefore drest our selves
Carefully, and Gito willingly taking upon him the part of a servant
As he had hither to done, we bade him put our things together, and
Follow us to the bath
Being in the mean time got ready, we walk'd we knew not where, or
Rather, having a mind to divert us, struck into a tennis-court, where
We saw an old bald-pated fellow in a carnation-colour'd coat, playing
At ball with a company of boys, nor was it so much the boys, tho' it
Was worth our while, that engaged us to be lookers on as the master of
The house himself in pumps, who altogether tossed the ball, and never
Struck it after it once came to the ground, but had a servant by him
With a bag full of them, ard enough for all that play'd
We observed also some new things; for in the gallery stood two
Eunuchs, one of whom held a silver chamber-pot, the other counted the
Balls, not those they kept tossing, but such as fell to the ground
While we admir'd the humour, one Menelaus came up to us, and told us
We were come where we must set up for the night, and we had seen the
Beginning of our entertainment. As he was yet talking, Trimalchio
Snapp'd his fingers, at which sign the eunuch held the chamber-pot to
Him as he was playing; then calling for water, he dipped the tips of
His fingers in it, and dry'd them on the boys head. 'Twould be too
Long to recount every thing: We went into the hot-house, and having
Sweated a little, into the cold bath; and while Trimalchio was
Anointed from head to foot with a liquid perfume, and rubb'd clean
Again, not with linnen but with finest flannen, his three chyrurgeons
Ply'd the muscadine, but brawling over their cups; Trimalchio said it
Was his turn to drink; then wrapt in a scarlet mantle, he was laid on
A litter born by six servants, with four lacqueys in rich liveries
Running before him, and by his side a sedan, in which was carried his
Darling, a stale bleer-eyed catamite, more ill-favoured than his
Master Trimalchio; who at they went on, kept close to his ear with a
Flagellet as if he had whispered him, and made him musick all the way
Wondering, we followed, and, with Agamemnon, came to the gate, on
Which hung a tablet with this inscription:
WHAT EVER SERVANT GOES FORTH WITHOUT HIS MASTER'S COMMAND, HE SHALL
RECEIVE AN HUNDRED STRIPES
In the porch stood the porter in a green livery, girt about with a
Cherry-coloured girdle, garbling of pease in a silver charger; and
Over head hung a golden cage with a magpye in it, which gave us an All
Hail as we entred: But while I was gaping at these things, I had like
To have broken my neck backward, for on the left hand, not far from
The porter's lodge, there was a great dog in a chain painted on the
Wall, and over him written in capital letters, BEWARE THE DOG. My
Companions could not forbear laughing; bur I recollecting my spirits
Pursued my design of going to the end of the wall; it was the draught
Of a market-place where slaves were bought and sold with bills over
Them: There was also Trimalchio with a white staff in his hand, and
Minerva with a train after her entring Rome: Then having learnt how to
Cast accompt, he was made auditor; all exquisitely painted with their
Proper titles; and at the end of the gallery Mercury lifting him by
The chin, and placing him on a judgment-seat. Fortune stood by him
With a cornucopia, and the three fatal sisters winding a golden
Thread
I observed also in the same place a troop of light-horsemen, with
Their commander exercising them, as also a large armory, in one of the
Angles of which stood a shrine with the gods of the house in silver, a
Marble statue of Venus, and a large golden box, in which it was said
He kept the first shavings of his beard. Then asking the servant that
Had the charge of these things, what pictures those were in the
Middle? The Iliads and the Odysses, said he, and on the left-hand two
Spectacles of sword-playing. We could not bestow much time on it, for
By this time we were coming to the dining-room, in the entry of which
Sate his steward, taking every one's account: But what I most admir'd
Were those bundles of rods, with their axes, that were fastned to the
Sides of the door, and stood, as it were, on the brazen prow of a
Ship, on which was written
TO CAIUS POMPEIUS TRIMALCHIO OF PRÆTORIAN DIGNITY; CINNAMUS THE
STEWARD
Under the same title also, hung a lamp of two lights from the roof of
The room, and two tablets on either side of the door; of which one, if
I well remember, had this inscription
THE THIRD AND SECOND OF THE KALENDS OF JANUARY, OUR PATRON CAIUS EATS
ABROAD
On the other was represented the course of the moon, and the seven
Stars; and what days were lucky, what unlucky, with an emboss'd studd
To distinguish the one from the other
Full of this sensuality we were now entring the room, where one of his
Boys, set there for that purpose, call'd aloud to us, "ADVANCE
ORDERLY." Nor is it to be doubted, but we were somewhat concern'd for
Fear of breaking the orders of the place. But while we were footing
It accordingly, a servant stript off his livery, fell at our feet, and
Besought us to save him a whipping; for he said his fault was no great
Matter, but that some cloaths of the stewards had been stolen from him
In the bath, and all of them not worth eighteen-pence
We returned therefore in good order, and finding the steward in the
Counting-house telling some gold, besought him to remit the servant's
Punishment: When putting on an haughty face, "It is not," said he
"the loss of the thing troubles me, but the negligence of a careless
Rascal. He has lost me the garments I sate at table in, and which a
Client of mine presented me on my birth-day: no man can deny them to
Be right purple, tho' not double dye; yet whatever it be, I grant your
Request."
Having receiv'd so great a favour, as we were entring the dining-room
The servant for whom we had been suitors, met us, and kissing us, who
Stood wondring what the humour meant, over and over gave us thanks for
Our civility; and in short told us we should know by and by, whom it
Was we had oblig'd: The wine which our master keeps for his own
Drinking, is the waiters kindness
At length we sate down, when a bigger and sprucer sort of boys coming
About us, some of them poured snow-water on our heads, and others
Par'd the nails of our feet, with a mighty dexterity, and that not
Silently, but singing as it were by the bye: I resolved to try if the
Whole family sang; and therefore called for drink, which one of the
Boys a readily brought me with an odd kind of tune; and the same did
Every one as you asked for any thing: You'd have taken it for a Morris
Dancers hall, not the table of a person of quality
Then came a sumptuous antepast; for we were all seated, but only
Trimalchio, for whom, after a new fashion, the chief place was
Reserv'd. Besides that, as a part of the entertainment, there was set
By us a large vessel of metheglin, with a pannier, in the one part of
Which were white olives, in the other black; two broad platters
Covered the vessel, on the brims of which were engraven Trimalchio's
Name, and the weight of the silver, with little bridges soldered
Together, and on them dormice strew'd over with honey and poppy: There
Were also piping-hot sausages on a silver gridiron, and under that
Large damsons, with the kernels of pomegranats
In this condition were we when Trimalchio himself was waddled into the
Consort; and being close bolster'd with neck-cloaths and pillows to
Keep off the air, we could not forbear laughing unawares: For his bald
Pate peep'd out of a scarlet mantle, and over the load of cloaths he
Lay under, there hung an embroidered towel, with purple ta**els and
Fringes dingle dangle about it: He had also on the little finger of
His left hand, a large gilt ring, and on the outmost joint of the
Finger next it, one lesser, which I took for all gold; but at last it
Appeared to be jointed together with a kind of stars of steel. And
That we might see these were not all his bravery, he stripp'd his
Right arm, on which he wore a golden bracelet, and an ivory circle
Bound together with a glittering locket and a meddal at the end of it:
Then picking his teeth with a silver pin, "I had not, my friends,"
Said he, "any inclination to have come among you so soon, but fearing
My absence might make you wait too long, I deny'd myself my own
Satisfaction; however suffer me to make an end of my game": There
Followed him a boy with an inlaid table and christal dice; and I took
Notice of one thing more pleasant than the rest; for instead of black
And white counters, his were all silver and gold pieces of money
In the mean time while he was squandering his heap at play, and we
Were yet picking a relish here and there, a cupboard was brought in
With a basket, in which was a hen carved in wood, her wings lying
Round and hollow, as sitting on brood; when presently the consort
Struck up, and two servants fell a searching the straw under her, and
Taking out some peahens eggs, distributed them among the company: At
This Trimalchio changing countenance, "I commanded my friends," said
He "the hen to be set with peahens eggs; and so help me Hercules, am
Afraid they may be half hatcht: however we'll try if they are yet
Suppable."
The thing we received was a kind of shell of at least six pounds
Weight, made of paste, and moulded into the figure of an egg, which we
Easily broke; and for my part, I was like to have thrown away my
Share; for it seemed to me to have a chick in it; till hearing an old
Guest of the tables saying, it was some good bit or other, I searched
Further into it, and found a delicate fat wheatear in the middle of a
Well-pepper'd yolk: On this Trimalchio stopped his play for a while
And requiring the like for himself, proclaim'd, if any of us would
Have any more metheglin, he was at liberty to take it; when of a
Sudden the musick gave the sign, and the first course was scrabled
Away by a company of singers and dancers; but in the rustle it
Happening that a dish fell on the door, a boy took it up, and
Trimalchio taking notice of it, pluck'd him by the ears, and commanded
Him to throw it down again; on which the groom of the chamber came
With a broom and swept away the silver dish, with whatsoever else had
Fallen from the table
When presently came in two long-hair'd blacks, with small leather
Bottles, such as with which they strew sand on the stage, and gave us
Wine to wash our hands, but no one offered us water. We all admiring
The finicalness of the entertainment, "Mars," said he, "is a lover of
Justice, and therefore let every one have a table to himself, for
Having more elbow-room, these nasty stinking boys will be less
Troublesome to us"; and thereupon large double-eared vessels of gla**
Close plaistered over, were brought up with labels about their necks
Upon which was this inscription:
OPIMIAN MUSCADINE OF AN HUNDRED YEARS OLD
While we were reading the titles, Trimalchio clapped his hands, and
"Alas, alas," said he, "that wine should live longer than man! Wine
Is life, and we'll try if it has held good ever since the consulship
Of Lucius Opimius, or not. 'Tis right Opimian, and therefore make
Ready; I brought not out so good yesterday, yet there were persons of
Better quality sup'd with me."
We drank and admired every thing, when in came a servant with a silver
Puppet, so jointed and put together that it turned every way; and
Being more than once thrown upon the table, cast it self into several
Figures; on which Trimalchio came out with his poetry:
Unhappy mortals, on how fine a thread
Our lives depend! How like this puppet man
Shall we alas! be all when we are dead!
Therefore let's live merrily while we can
The applause we gave him, was followed with a service, but respecting
The place not so considerable as might have been expected: However
The novelty of the thing drew every man's eye upon it; it was a large
Charger, with the twelve signs round it; upon every one of which the
Master cook had laid somewhat or other suitable to the sign. Upon
Aries, chick-pease, (a pulse not unlike a ram's head); upon Taurus a
Piece of beef; upon Gemini a pair of pendulums and kidneys; upon
Cancer a coronet; upon Leo an African figg; upon Virgo a well-grown
Boy; upon Libra a pair of scales, in one of which was a tart, in the
Other a custard; upon Scorpio a pilchard; upon Sagittary a grey-hound;
Upon Capricorn a lobster; upon Aquarius a goose; upon Pisces two
Mullets; and in the middle a plat of herbs, cut out like a green turf
And over them a honey-comb. During this, a lesser black carry'd about
Bread in a silver oven, and with a hideous voice, forced a bawdy song
From a buffoon that stunk like a**a fœtida
When Trimalchio perceived we look'd somewhat awkwardly on such course
Fare, "Come, come," said he, "fall to and eat, this is the custom of
The place."
Nor had he sooner said it, than the fourth consort struck up; at which
The waiters fell a dancing, and took off the upper part of the
Charger, under which was a dish of cramm'd fowl, and the hinder paps
Of a sow that had farrowed but a day before, well powdered, and the
Middle a hare, stuck in with finns of fish in his side, that he look'd
Like a flying horse; and on the sides of the fish four little images
That spouted a relishing sauce on some fish that lay near them, all of
Them brought from the river Euripus
We also seconded the shout begun by the family, and fell merrily
Aboard this; and Trimalchio no less pleas'd than our selves, cryed
"Cut"; at which the musick sounding again, the carver humour'd it, and
Cut up the meat with such antick postures, you'd have thought him a
Carman fighting to an organ
Nevertheless Trimalchio in a lower note, cryed out again "Cut:" I
Hearing the word so often repeated, suspecting there might be some
Joke in it, was not ashamed to ask him that sate next above me, what
It meant? And he that had been often present at the like, "You see,"
Said he, "him that carves about, his name is cutter; and as often as
He says 'Cut,' he both calls and commands."
The humour spoiled my stomach for eating; but turning to him that I
Might learn more, I made some pleasant discourse to him at a distance;
And at last asked him what that woman was that so often scutled up and
Down the room
"It is," said he, "Trimalchio's wife, her name Fortunata, she measures
Money by the bushel; but what was she not long since? Pardon me sir
You would not have touch'd her with a pair of tongs, but now, no one
Knows how, or wherefore she's got into heaven; and is Trimalchio's all
In all: In short, if she says it is mid-night at mid-day, he'll
Believe her. He's so very wealthy, he knows not what he has; but she
Has an eye every where; and when you least think to meet her: She's
Void of all good counsel, and withal of all ill tongue; a very pye at
His bolster; whom she loves she loves; and whom she does not love, she
Does not love
"Then for Trimalchio, he has more lands than a crow can fly over;
Monies upon monies: There lies more silver in his porters lodge, than
Any one man's whole estate. And for his family, hey-day, hey-day
There is not (so help me Hercules) one tenth of them that know their
Master. In brief, there is not one of those fools about him, but he
Can turn him into a cabbage-stalk. Nor is there any occasion to buy
Any thing, he has all at his own door; wooll, marte, pepper, nay hens
Milk; do but beat about and you'll find it. In a word, time was, his
Wooll was none of the best, and therefore he bought rams at Tarentum
To mend this breed; an in like manner he did by his honey, by bringing
His bees from Athens. It is not long since but he sent to the Indies
For mushroom-seed: Nor has he so much as a mule that did not come of a
Wild a**. See you all these quilts? there is not one of them whose
Wadding is not the finest comb'd wooll of violet or scarlet colour
Dy'd in grain. O happy man! but have a care how you put a slight on
Those freed men, they are rich rogues: See you him that sits at the
Lower-end of the table, he has now the Lord knows what; and 'tis not
Long since he was not worth a groat, and carried billets and f*ggots
At his back; it is said, but I know nothing of it myself, but as I
Have heard, either he got in with an old hog-grubbler, or had to do
With an incubus, and found a treasure: For my part, I envy no man, (if
God gives anything it is a bit of a blow, and wills no evil to himself
) he lately set up this proclamation:
"C. POMPEIUS DIOGENES HAS SOME LODGINGS
TO LET, FOR HE HATH BOUGHT A HOUSE."
"But what think you of him who sits in the place of a late slave? how
Well was he once? I do not upbraid him: He was once worth a hundred
Thousand sesterstias, but has not now a hair of his head that is not
Engaged; nor, so help me Hercules, is it his own fault: There is not a
Better humour'd man than himself; but those rascally freed-men have
Cheated him of all: For know, when the pot boyls, and a man's estate
Declines, farewell friends. And what trade do you think he drove? He
Had the setting forth of grave men's funerals; and with that eat like
A prince: He had his wild boars served up covered; pastry-meats
Fowl-cooks, bakers: More wine was thrown under his table than most men
Have in their cellars; a meer phantasm: And when his estate was going
And he feared his creditors might fall upon him, he made an auction
Under this title:
"JULIUS PROCULUS WILL MAKE AN AUCTION
OF SEVERAL GOODS HE HAS NO USE OF."
The dish was by this time taken away, and the guests grown merry with
Wine, began to talk of what was done abroad, when Trimalchio broke the
Discourse; and leaning on his elbow, "This wine," said he, "is worth
Drinking, and fish must swim; but do you think I am satisfied with
That part of your supper you saw in the charger? Is Ulysses no better
Known? what then; we ought to exercise our brains as well as our
Chaps; and shew, that we are not only lovers of learning, but
Understand it: Peace rest my old tutor's bones who made me a man
Amongst men: No man can tell me any thing that is new to me; for, like
Him, I am master of the practicks
"This heaven, that's inhabited by twelve gods, turns it self into as
Many figures; and now 'tis Aries: He that's born under that sign has
Much cattle, much wooll, and to that a jolt-head, a brazen-face, and
Will be certainly a cuckold: There are many scholars, advocates, and
Horned beasts, come into the world under this sign. We praised our
Nativity-caster's pleasantness, and he went on then again: The whole
Heaven is Taurus, and wonder it e'er bore foot-ball-players
Herds-men, and such as can shift for themselves. Under Gemini are
Foaled coach-horses, oxen calved, great baubles, and such as can claw
Both sides are born. I was born my self under Cancer, and therefore
Stand on many feet, as having large possessions both by sea and land
For Cancer suits one as well as the other, and therefore I put nothing
Upon him, that I might not press my own geniture. Under Leo
Spendthrifts and bullies: under Virgo, women, runagates, and such as
Wear iron garters: under Libra, butchers, slipslop-makers, and men of
Business: under Scorpio, empoisoners and cut-throats: under Sagittary
Such as are goggle-ey'd, herb-women, and bacon-stealers: under
Capricorn, poor helpless rascals, to whom yet Nature intended horns to
Defend themselves: under Aquarius, cooks and paunch-bellies: under
Pisces, caterers and orators: And so the world goes round like a mill
And is never without its mischief; that men be either born or perish
But for that tuft of herbs in the middle, and the honey-comb upon it
I do nothing without just reason for it: Our mother the earth is in
The middle, made round like an egg, and has all good things in her
Self, like a honeycomb."
"Most learnedly," we all cry'd; and lifting our hands, swore, neither
Hipparebus nor Aratus were to be compared to him, till at last other
Servants came in and spread coverlets on the beds, on which were
Painted nets, men in ambush with hunting-poles, and whatever
Appertained to hunting: Nor could we yet tell what to make of it: when
We heard a great cry without, and a pack of beagles came and ran round
The table, and after them a large trey, on which was a boar of the
First magnitude, with a cap on his head, (such as slaves at their
Making free, had set on theirs in token of liberties) on his tusks
Hung two wicker baskets, the one full of dates, the other of almonds;
And about him lay little pigs of marchpane, as if they were s**ing:
They signified a sow had farrowed, and hang there as presents for the
Guests to carry away with them
To the cutting up this boar, here came not he that had carried about
The fowl as before, but a swinging fellow with a two-handed beard
Buskins on his leggs, and a short embroidered coat; who drawing his
Wood-knife, made a large hole in the boar's side, out of which flew a
Company of blackbirds: Then fowlers stood ready with their engines and
Caught them in a trice as they fluttered about the room: On which
Trimalchio ordering to every man his bird, "See," said he, "what kind
Of acorns this wild boar fed on:" When presently the boys took off the
Baskets and distributed the dates and almonds among the guests
In the mean time, I, who had private thoughts of my own, was much
Concerned, to know why the boar was brought in with a cap upon his
Head; and therefore having run out my tittle-tattle, I told my
Interpreter what troubled me: To which he answered, "Your boy can even
Tell ye what it means, for there's no riddle in it, but all as clear
As day. This boar stood the last of yester-nights supper, and
Dismiss'd by the guests, returns now as a free-man among us." I curst
My dulness, and asked him no more questions, that I might not be
Thought to have never eaten before with men of sense
While we were yet talking, in came a handsome boy with a wreath of
Vine leaves and ivy about his head; declaring himself one while
Bromius, another while Lyccus, and another Euphyus (several names of
Bacchus) he carried about a server of grapes, and with a clear voice
Repeated some of his master's poetry, at which Trimalchio turning to
Him, "Dionysius," said he, "be thou Liber," (i.e.) free, (two other
Names of Bacchus) whereupon the boy took the cap from off the boar's
Head, and putting it on his own, Trimalchio added, "You will not deny
Me but I have a father, Liber." We all praised the conceit, and
Soundly kissed the boy as he went round us
From this up rose Trimalchio, and went to the close-stool; we also
Being at liberty, without a tyrant over us fell to some table-talk
When presently one calling for a bumper, "The day," said he, "is
Nothing, 'tis night e're the scene turn, and therefore nothing is
Better than to go straight from bed to board. We have had a great
Deal of frost, the bagnio has scarce heated me; but a warm drinking is
My wardrobe-keeper: For my part, I have spun this days thread; the
Wine is got into my noddle, and I am down-right--"
Selucus went on with the rest, "And I," said he, "do not bathe every
Day, for he where I use to bathe is a fuller: Cold water has teeth in
It, and my head grows every day more washy than others, but when I
Have got my dose in my guts, I bid defiance to cold: Nor could I well
Do it to day, for I was at a funeral, a jolly companion, and a good
Man was he, Crysanthus has breathed his last: 'Tis not long since we
Were together, and methinks I talk with him now. Alas, alas! we are
But blown bladders, less than flies, yet they have somewhat in them:
But we are meer bubbles. You'll say he would not be rul'd; not a drop
Of water, or crumb of bread went down his throat in five days: And yet
He's gone, or that he died of the doctor. But I am of opinion his
Time was come; for a physician is a great comfort. However, he was
Well carried out of his house upon a rich bed, and mightily lamented
He made some of his servants free; but his wife seem'd not much
Concerned for him. You'll say again he was not kind to her; but women
Are a kind of kites; whatever good is done them, 'tis the same as if
It were thrown in a well; and old love is as bad as a goal."
At this Philaos grew troublesome, and cryed out, "Let us remember the
Living: He had what was due to him; as he liv'd so he dy'd; and what
Has he now that any man moans the want of it? He came from nothing
And to his dying-day would have taken a farthing from a dunghil with
His teeth; therefore as he grew up, he grew like a honey-comb. He
Dy'd worth the Lord knows what, all ready money. But to the matter; I
Have eaten a dog's tongue and dare speak truth: He had a foul mouth
Was all babble; a very make-bate, not a man. His brother was a brave
Fellow, a friend to his friends, of an open hand, and kept a full
Table: He did not order his affairs so well at first as he might have
Done; but the first vintage made him up again; for he sold what wine
He would; and what kept up his chin was the expectation of a
Reversion; the credit of which brought him more than was left him; for
His brother taking a pelt at him, devised the estate to I know not
Whose ba*tard: He flies far that flies his relations. Besides, this
Brother of his had whisperers about him, that were back-friends to the
Other: but he shall never do right that is quick of belief, especially
In matter of business; and yet 'tis true, he'll be counted wise while
He lives, to whom the thing whatever it be is given, nor he that ought
To have had it. He was without doubt, one of fortune's sons; lead in
His hand would turn to gold, and without trouble too, where there are
Not rubbs in the way. And how many years think ye he liv'd?
Seventy-odd: but he was as hard as horn, bore his age well, and as
Black as a crow
"I knew him some years ago an oilman, and to his last a good womans
Man; but withal such a miser, that (so help me Hercules) I think he
Left not a dogg in his house. He was also a great who*e-master, and a
Jack of all trades; nor do I condemn him for't, for this was the only
Secret he kept to himself and carry'd with him."
Thus Phileros and Gammedes, as followeth: "Ye talk of what concerns
Neither Heaven nor Earth, when in the mean time no man regards what
Makes all victuals so scarce: I could not (so help me Hercules) get a
Mouthful of bread to day: and how? The drought continues: For my
Part, I have not fill'd my belly this twelve-month: A plague on these
Clerks of the market, the baker and they juggle together; take no
Notice of me, I'll take no notice of thee; which make the poorer sort
Labour for nothing, while those greater jaw-bones make festival every
Day. Oh that we had those lyons I now find here, when I first came
Out of Asia, that had been to live: The inner part of Sicily had the
Like of them, but they so handled the goblins, even Jupiter bore them
No good-will. I remember Safinius, when I was a boy, he liv'd by the
Old arch; you'd have taken him for pepper-corn rather than a man;
Where-ever he went the earth parched under him; yet he was honest at
Bottom; one might depend on him; a friend to his friend, and whom you
Might boldly trust in the dark. But how did he behave himself on the
Bench? He toss'd every one like a ball; made no starch'd speeches
But downright, as he were, doing himself what he would persuade
Others: But in the market his noise was like a trumpet, without
Sweating or spueing. I fancy he had somewhat, I know not what, of the
Asian humour: then so ready to return a salute, and call every one by
His name, as if he had been one of us. In his time corn was as common
As loam; you might have bought more bread for half a farthing, than
Any two could eat; but now the eye of an ox will cost you twice as
Much: Alas! alas! we are every day worse and worse, and grow like a
Cows tail, downward: And why all this? We have a clerk of the market
Not worth three figgs, and values more the getting of a doit himself
Than any of our lives: 'Tis this makes him laugh in his sleeve; for he
Gets more money in a day than many an honest man's whole estate: I
Know not how he got the estate he has; but if we had any thing of men
About us, he would not hug himself as he does, but now the people are
Grown to this pa**, that they are lyons at home, and foxes abroad: For
My part, I have eaten up my cloaths already, and if corn holds at the
Rate it does, I shall be forc'd to sell house and all: For what will
Become of us, if neither gods nor men pity us? Let me never enjoy my
Friends more, than I believe all this comes from Heaven; for no one
Thinks there is any such thing; no one keeps a fast, or value Jupiter
A hair, but shuts his eyes and reckons what he is worth. Time was
When matrons went bare-foot with dishevel'd hair, pure minds, and
Pray'd him to send rain, and forthwith it rained pitcher-fulls, or
Then or never, and every one was pleased: Now the gods are no better
Than mice; as they tread, their feet are wrapt in wooll; and because
Ye are not superstitious your lands yield nothing."
"More civilly, I beseech ye," said Echion the hundred-constable; "it
Is one while this way, and another while that, said the country-man
When he lost his speckled hogg: What is not to day may be to morrow;
And thus is life hurried about, so help me Hercules, a country is said
Not to be the better that it has many people in it, tho' ours at
Present labours under that difficulty, but it is no fault of hers: We
Must not be so nice, Heaven is equally distant every where; were you
In another place you'd say hoggs walked here ready dress'd: And now I
Think on't, we shall have an excellent show these holy-days, a
Fencing-prize exhibited to the people; not of slaves bought for that
Purpose, but most of them freemen. Our patron Titus has a large soul
But a very devil in his drink, and cares not a straw which side gets
The better: I think I should know him, for I belong to him; he's of a
Right breed both by father and mother, no mongril. They are well
Provided with weapons, and will fight it out to the last: the theatre
Will look like a butchers shambles, and he has where-withal to do it;
His father left him a vast sum, and let him make ducks and drakes with
It never so much, the Estate will bear it, and he always carries the
Reputation of it. He has his waggon horses, a woman-carter, and
Glyco's steward, who was taken a-bed with his mistress; what a busle's
Here between cuckolds and cuckold-makers! But this Glyco a
Money-broker, condemned his steward to fight with beasts; and what was
That but to expose himself for another? where lay the servant's crime
Who perhaps was oblig'd to do what he did: She rather deserv'd to be
Brain'd, than the bull that tossed her; but he that cannot come at the
Arse, thrashes at the pack-saddle: yet how could Glyco expect
Hermogine's daughter should make a good end? She'd have pared the
Claws of a flying kite; a snake does not bring forth a halter: Glyco
Might do what he would with his own; but it will be a brand on him as
Long as he lives; nor can any thing but Hell blot it out; however
Every man's faults are his own. I perceive now what entertainment
Mammea is like to give us; he'll be at twopence charges for me and my
Company; which if he does, he will pull Narban*s clean out of favour;
For you must know, he'll live at the full height; yet in truth what
Good has he done us? He gave us a company of gittiful sword-players
But so old and decrepid, that had you blown on them, they'd have
Fallen of themselves: I have seen many a better at a funeral pile; he
Would not be at the charge of lamps for them; you'd have taken them
For dunghil co*ks fighting in the dark; one was a downright fool, and
Withal gouty; another crump-footed, and a third half dead, and
Hamstrung: There was one of them a Thracian, that made a figure, and
Kept up to the rule of fighting; but upon the whole matter, all of
Them were parted, and nothing came of this great block-headed rabble
But a downright running away: And yet, said he, I made ye a show, and
I clap my hands for company; but cast up the account, I gave more than
I received; one hand rubs another. You Agamemnon seem to tell me what
Would that trouble some fellow be at; because you that can speak, and
Do not, you are not of our form, and therefore ridicule what poor men
Say; tho', saving the repute of a scholar, we know you are but a meer
Fool. Where lies the matter then? let me persuade you to take a walk
In the country, and see our cottage, you'll find somewhat to eat; a
Chicken, some eggs, or the like: The tempestuous season had like to
Have broke us all, yet we'll get enough to fill the belly. Your
Scholar, my boy Cicero, is mightily improved, and if he lives, you'll
Have a servant of him; he is pretty forward already, and whatever
Spare time he has, never off a book: He's a witty lad, well-featur'd
Takes a thing without much study, tho' yet he be sickly: I k**ed
Three of his linnets the other day, and told him the weasels had eaten
Them; yet he found other things to play with, and has a pretty knack
At painting: He has a perfect aversion to Greek, but seems better
Inclined to Latin; tho' the master he has now humours him in the
Other; nor can he be kept to one thing, but is still craving more, and
Will not take pains with any. There is also another of this sort, not
Much troubled with learning, but very diligent, and teaches more than
He knows himself: He comes to our house on holidays, and whatever you
Give him he's contented; I therefore bought the boy some ruled books
Because I will have him get a smattering in accounts and the law; it
Will be his own another day: He has learning enough already, but if he
Takes back to it again, I design him for a trade, a barber, a parson
Or a lawyer, which nothing but the devil can take from him: How oft
Have I told him, Thou art (Sirrah) my first begotten, and believe thy
Father, whatever thou learnest 'tis all thy own: See there Philero the
Lawyer, if he had not been a scholar he might have starved; but now
See what trinkums he has about his neck, and dares nose Narban*s
Letters are a treasure, and a trade never dies."
Thus, or the like, we were bandying it about when Trimalchio return'd
And having wip'd the slops from his face, wash'd his hands, and in a
Very little time, "Pardon me, my friends," said he, "I have been
Costive for several days, and my physicians were to seek about it
When a suppository of pomegranate wine, with the liquor of a pine-tree
And vinegar relieved me; and now I hope my belly may be ashamed if it
Keep no better order; for otherwise I have such a rumbling in my guts
You'd think an ox bellowed; and therefore if any of you has a mind, he
Need not blush for the matter; there's not one of us born without some
Defect or other, and I think no torment greater than wanting the
Benefit of going to stool, which is the only thing even Jupiter
Himself cannot prevent: And do you laugh, Fortunata, you that break me
So often of my sleep by nights; I never denyed any man do that in my
Room might pleasure himself, and physicians will not allow us to keep
Any thing in our bodies longer than we needs must; or if ye have any
Farther occasion, every thing is ready in the next room: Water
Chamber-pots, close-stools, or whatever else ye may need; believe me
This being hard-bound, if it get into the head, disturbs the whole
Body; I have known many a man lost by it, when they have been so
Modest to themselves as not to tell what they ailed."
We thank'd him for his freeness, and the liberty he gave us, when yet
To suppress our laughter, we set the gla**es about again; nor did we
Yet know that in the midst of such dainties we were, as they say, to
Clamber another hill; for the cloth being again taken away, upon the
Next musick were brought in three fat hogs with collars and bells
About their necks; and he that had the charge of them told us, the one
Was two years old, the other three, and the third full grown. I took
It at first to have been a company of tumblers, and that the hogs, as
The manner is, were to have shewn us some tricks in a ring, till
Trimalchio breaking my expectation, "Which of them," said he, "will ye
Have for supper? for co*ks, pheasants, and the like trifles are but
Country fare, but my cooks have coppers will boil a calf whole;" and
Therewith commanding a cook to be called for, he prevented our choice
By ordering him to k** the largest, and with a loud voice, asked him
Of what rank of servants in that house he was? to which he answering
Of the fortieth: "Were you bought," said the other, "or born in my
House?" "Neither," said the cook, "but left you by Pansa's
Testament." "See then," said Trimalchio, "that you dress it as it
Should be, or I'll send you to the galleys." On which the cook
Advertised of his power, went into the kitchin to mind his charge
But Trimalchio turning to us with a pleasanter look, asked if the wine
Pleased us, "If not," said he, "I'll have it changed, and if it does
Let me see it by your drinking: I thank the gods I do not buy it, but
Have everything that may get an appetite growing on my own grounds
Without the city, which no man that I know but my self has; and yet it
Has been taken for Tarracino and Taranto. I have a project to joyn
Sicily to my lands on the continent, that when I have a mind to go
Into Africa, I may sail by my own coasts. But prithee Agamemnon tell
Me what moot-point was it you argued to day; for tho' I plead no
Causes my self, yet I have had a share of letters in my time; and that
You may not think me sick of them now, have three libraries, the one
Greek, the other two Latin; therefore as you love me tell me what was
The state of the question:" "The poor and the rich are enemies," said
Agamemnon: "And what is poor," answered Trimalchio? "Spoke like a
Gentleman," replyed Agamemnon. But making nothing of the matter, "If
It be so," said Trimalchio, "where lies the dispute? And if it be not
So, 'tis nothing."
While we all humm'd this and the like stuff, "I beseech ye," said he
"my dear Agamemnon, do you remember the twelve labours of Hercules, or
The story of Ulysses, how a Cyclop put his thumb out of joint with a
Mawkin? I read such things in Homer when I was a boy; nay, saw my
Self the Sybil of Curna hanging in a gla** bottle: And when the boys
Asked her, 'Sybil, what wouldst thou?' She answered, 'I would die.'"
He had not yet run to the end of the rope, when an over-grown hog was
Brought to the table. We all wondered at the quickness of the thing
And swore a capon could not be dress'd in the time; and that the more
Because the hog seemed larger than was the boar, we had a little
Before: When Trimalchio looking more intent upon him, "What, what,"
Said he, "are not his guts taken out? No, (so help me Hercules) they
Are not! Bring hither, bring hither this rogue of a cook." And when
He stood hanging his head before us, and said, he was so much in haste
He forgot it. "How, forgot it," cry'd out Trimalchio! "Do ye think
He has given it no reasoning of pepper and cummin? Strip him:" When
In a trice 'twas done, and himself set between two tormentors:
However, we all interceded for him, as a fault that might now and then
Happen, and therefore beg'd his pardon; but if he ever did the like
There was no one would speak for him; tho' for my part, I think he
Deserved what he got: And so turning to Agamemnon's ear, "This
Fellow," said I, "must be a naughty knave; could any one forget to
Bowel a hog? I would not (so help me Hercules) have forgiven him if
He had served me so with a single fish." But Trimalchio it seems, had
Somewhat else in his head; for falling a laughing, "You," said he
"that have so short a memory, let's see if you can do it now." On
Which, the cook having gotten his coat again, took up a knife, and
With a feigned trembling, ripp'd up the hog's belly long and thwart
When immediately its own weight tumbled out a heap of hogs-puddings
And sausages
After this, as it had been done of it self, the family gave a shout
And cry'd out, "Health and prosperity to Caius!" The cook also was
Presented with wine, a silver coronet, and a drinking goblet, on a
Broad Corinthian plate: which Agamemnon more narrowly viewing; "I am,"
Said Trimalchio, ''the only person that has the true Corinthian
Vessels."
I expected, that according to the rest of his haughtiness, he would
Have told us they had been brought him from Corinth: But he better:
"And perhaps," said he, "you'll ask me why I am the only person that
Have them. And why, but the copper-smith from whom I buy them, is
Called Corinthus? And what is Corinthian but what is made by
Corinthus? But that ye may not take me for a man of no sence, I
Understand well enough whence the word first came. When Troy was
Taken, Hannibal, a cunning fellow, but withal mischievous, made a pile
Of all the brazen, gold and silver statues, and burnt them together
And thence came this mixt metal; which workmen afterwards carried off;
And of this ma** made platters, dishes, and several other things; so
That these vessels are neither this nor that metal, but made of all of
Them. Pardon me what I say; however others may be of another mind, I
Had rather have gla** ware; and if it: were not so subject to
Breaking, I'd reckon it before gold; but now it is of no esteem
"There was a copper-smith that made gla** vessels of that pliant
Harness, that they were no more to be broken than gold and silver
Ones: It so happened, that having made a drinking-pot, with a wide
Mouth of that kind, but the finest gla**, fit for no man, as he
Thought, less than Cæsar himself; he went with his present to
Cæsar, and had admittance: The kind of the gift was praised, the
Hand of the workman commended, and the design of the giver accepted
He again, that he might turn the admiration of the beholders into
Astonishment, and work himself the more into the Emperor's favour
Pray'd the gla** out of the Emperor's hand; and having received it
Threw it with such a force against the paved floor, that the most
Solid and firmest metal could not but have received some hurt thereby
Cæsar also was no less amazed at it, than concerned for it; but the
Other took up the pot from the ground, not broken but bulg'd a little;
As if the substance of metal had put on the likeness of a gla**; and
Therewith taking a hammer out of his pocket, he hammer'd it as it had
Been a bra** kettle, and beat out the bruise: And now the fellow
Thought himself in Heaven, in having, as he fansied, gotten the
Acquaintance of Cæsar, and the admiration of all: But it fell out
Quite contrary: Cæsar asking him if any one knew how to make this
Malleable gla** but himself? And he answering, there was not, the
Emperor commanded his head to be struck off: 'For,' said he, 'if this
Art were once known, gold and silver will be of no more esteem than
Dirt.'
"And for silver, I more than ordinarily affect it: I have several
Water-pots more or less, whereon is the story how Ca**andra k**ed her
Son's, and the dead boys are so well embossed, you'd think them real
I have also a drinking cup left me by an advocate of mine, where
Dædalus puts Niobe into the Trojan horse, as also that other of
Hermerotes; that they may stand as a testimony, there's truth in cups
And all this ma**y; ror will I part with what I understand of them at
Any rate."
While he was thus talking, a cup dropt out of a boy's hand; on which
Trimalchio looking over his shoulder at him, bad him begone, and k**
Himself immediately; "for," said he, "thou art careless and mind'st
Not what thou art about." The boy hung his lip, and besought him; but
He said, "What! dost thou beseech me, as if I required some difficult
Matter of thee? I only bid thee obtain this of thy self, that thou be
Not careless again." But at last he discharged him upon our entreaty
On this the boy run round the table and cry'd, "Water without doors
And wine within." We all took the jest, but more especially
Agamemnon, who knew on what account himself had been brought thither
Trimalchio in the mean time hearing himself commended, drank all the
Merrier, and being within an ace of quite out, "Will none of you,"
Said he, "invite my Fortunata to dance? Believe me, there's no one
Leads a country dance better:" And with that, tossing his hands round
His head, fell to act a jack-pudding; the family all the while
Singing, 'youth it self, most exactly youth it self ;' and he had
Gotten into the middle of the room, but that Fortunata whispered him
And I believe told him, such gambols did not become his gravity. Nor
Was there any thing more uneven to it self; for one while he turned to
His Fortunata, and another while to his natural inclination: But what
Disturbed the pleasure of her dancing, was his notaries coming in;
Who, as they had been the acts of a common council, read aloud:
'VII. of the Calends of August born in Trimalchio's manner of cumanum
Thirty boys and forty girls, brought from the threshing-floor into the
Granary, five hundred thousand bushels of wheat. The same day broke
Out a fire in a pleasure-garden that was Pompey's, first began in one
Of his bayliffs houses.'
"How's this," said Trimalchio: "When were those gardens bought for
Me?" "The year before," answered his notary, "and therefore not yet
Brought to account."
At this Trimalchio fell into a fume; and "whatever lands," said he
"shall be bought me hereafter, if I hear nothing of it in six months
Let them never, I charge ye, be brought to any account of mine." Then
Also were read the orders of the clerks of the markets, and the
Testaments of his woodwards, rangers, and park-keepers, by which they
Disinherited their relations, and with ample praise of him, declare
Trimalchio their heir. Next that, the names of his bayliffs; and how
One of them that made his circuits in the country, turned off his wife
For having taken her in bed with a barber; the door-keeper of his
Baths turn'd out of his place; the auditor found short in his
Accounts, and the dispute between the grooms of his chamber ended
At last came in the dancers on the rope, and a gorbelly'd blockhead
Standing out with a ladder, commanded his boy to hopp every round
Singing, and dance a jigg on the top of it, and then tumble through
Burning hoops of iron, with a gla** in his mouth. Trimalchio was the
Only person that admir'd it, but withal said, he did not like it; but
There were two things he could willingly behold, and they were the
Flyers on the high rope, and quails; and that all other creatures and
Shows were meer gewgaws: "For," said he, "I bought once a sett of
Stroulers, and chose rather to make them merry-andrews than comedians;
And commanded my bag-piper to sing in Latin to them."
While he was chattering all at this rate, a boy chanced to stumble
Upon him, on which the family gave a shriek, the same also did the
Guests; not for such a beast of a man, whose neck they could willingly
Have seen broken, but for fear the supper should break up ill, and
They be forc'd to wail the d**h of the boy
Whatever it were, Trimalchio gave a deep groan; and leaning upon his
Arm as if it had been hurt, the physicians ran thick about him, and
With the first, Fortunata, her hair about her ears, a bottle of wine
In her hand, still howling, miserable unfortunate woman that she was!
Undone, undone. The boy on the other hand, ran under our feet, and
Beseeched us to procure him a discharge: But I was much concern'd
Lest our interposition might make an ill end of the matter; for the
Cook that had forgotten to bowel the hog was still in my thoughts. I
Began therefore to look about the room, for fear somewhat or other
Might drop through the ceiling; while the servant that had bound up
His arm in white, not scarlet-colour flannen, was soundly beaten: Now
Was I much out, for instead of another course, came in an order of
Trimalchio's by which he gave the boy his freedom; that it might not
Be said, so honourable a person had been hurt by his slave. We all
Commended the action, but chatted among our selves with what little
Consideration the things of this world were done. "You're in the
Right," said Trimalchio; "nor ought this accident to pa** without
Booking;" and so calling for the journal, commanded it to be entered;
And with, as little thought, tumbled out these verses:
"What's least expected falls into our dish
And fortune's more indulgent than our wish:
Therefore, boy, fill the generous wine about."
This epigram gave occasion to talk of the poets, and Marsus, the
Trachian, carry'd the bays a long while: till Trimalchio (turning to
Some wit amongst them) "I beseech ye, master of mine," said he, "tell
Me what difference take ye between Cicero the orator, and Publius the
Poet? for my part I think one was more eloquent, the other the
Honester man; for what could be said better than this."
"Now sinking Rome grows weak with luxury
To please her appetite cram'd peaco*ks die:
Their gaudy plumes a modish dress supply
For her the guinnea hen and capon's drest:
The stork it self for Rome's luxurious taste
Must in a caldron build its humbl'd nest
That foreign, friendly, pious, long-leg'd thing
Grateful, that with shrill sounding notes dost sing
All winter's gone; yet ushers in the spring
Why in one ring must three rich pearls be worn
But that your wives th' exhausted seas adorn
Abroad t' increase their lust, at home their scorn?
Why is the costly emerald so desir'd
Or richer glittering carbuncle admir'd
Because they sparkle, is't with that you're fir'd?
Well, honesty's a j**el. Now none knows
A modest bride from a kept who*e by 'er cloaths;
For cobweb lawns both spouse and wench expose."
"But, now we talk after the rate of the learned, which," said he, "are
The most difficult trades? I think a physician and a banker: a
Physician, because he know's a man's very heart, and when the fits of
An ague will return; tho' by the way, I hate them mortally; for by
Their good will I should have nothing but slubber-slops: And a banker
Because he'll find out a piece of bra** money, tho' plated with
Silver
"There are also brute beasts, sheep and oxen, laborious in their kind:
Oxen, to whom we are beholding for the bread we eat; and sheep, for
The wooll, that makes us so fine. But O horrid! we both eat the
Mutton, and make us warm with the fleece. I take the bees for divine
Creatures; they give us honey, tho' 'tis said they stole it from
Jupiter, and that's the reason why they sting: For where-ever ye meet
Any thing that's sweet you'll ever find a sting at the end of it."
He also excluded philosophers from business, while the memoirs of the
Family were carrying round the table, and a boy, set for that purpose
Read aloud the names of the presents, appointed for the guests, to
Carry home with them. Wicked silver, what can it not? Then a gammon
Of bacon was set on the table, and above that several sharp sauces, a
Night-cap for himself, pudding-pies, and I know not what kind of
Birds: There was also brought in a rundlet of wine, boiled off a third
Part, and kept under ground to preserve its strength: There were also
Several other things I can give no account of; besides apples
Scallions, peaches, a whip, a knife, and what had been sent him; as
Sparrows, a flye-flap, raisons, Attick honey, night-gowns, judges
Robes, dry'd paste, table-books, with a pipe and a foot-stool: After
Which came in an hare and a sole-fish: And there was further sent him
A lamprey, a water-rat, with a frog at his tail, and a bundle of
Beets
Long time we smiled at these, and five hundred the like, that have now
Slipt my memory: But now when Ascyltos, who could not moderate
Hirnself, held up his hands and laught at every thing; nay so
Downright, that he was ready to cry: A free-man of Trimalchio's that
Sate next above me, grew hot upon't; and "What," said he, "thou sheep
What dost thou laugh at? does not this sumptuousness of my master
Please you? you're richer (forsooth) and eat better every day; so may
The guardian of this place favour me, as had I sate near him, I'd hit
Him a box on the ear ere this: A hopeful cullion, that mocks others;
Some pitiful night-walker, not worth the very urine he makes; and
Should I throw mine on him, knows not where to dry himself. I am not
(so help me Hercules) quickly angry, yet worms are bred even in tender
Flesh. He laughs! what has he to laugh at? what wooll did his father
Give for the bantling? Is he a Roman knight? I am the son of a king
How came I then, you'll say, to serve another? I did it of my self
And had rather be a citizen of Rome, than a tributary king, and now
Hope to live so, as to be no man's jeast. I walk like other men, with
An open face, and can shew my head among the best, for I owe no man a
Groat; I never had an action brought against me, or said to me on the
Exchange, Pay me what thou owest me. I bought some acres in the
Country, and have everything suitable to it: I feed twenty mouths
Besides dogs: I ransomed my bond-woman, lest another should wipe his
Hands on her smock; and between our selves, she cost me more than I'll
Tell ye at present. I was made a captain of horse gratis, and hope so
To die, that I shall have no occasion to blush in my grave: But art
Thou so prying into others, that thou never considerest thy self?
Canst thou spy a louse on another man's coat, and not see the tyck on
Thy own? Your master then is ancienter than your self, and 't please
Him; but yet thou, whose milk is not yet out of thy nose; that can'st
Not say boh to a goose; must you be making observations? Are you the
Wealthier man? If you are, dine twice, and sup twice; for my part, I
Value my credit more than treasures: Upon the whole matter, where's
The man that ever dunn'd me twice? Thou pipkin of a man, more limber
But nothing better than a strap of wet leather, I have served forty
Years in this house, came into it with my hair full grown; this palace
Was not then built, yet I made it my business to please my master, a
Person of honour, the parings of whose nails are more worth than thy
Whole body. I met several rubs in my way, but by the help of my good
Angel, I broke through them all: This is truth; it is as easie to make
A hunting-horn of a sow's tail, as to get into this company. What
Make ye in a dump now, like a goat at a heap of stones?"
On this Gito, who stood behind him, burst out a laughing; which the
Other taking notice of, fell upon the boy; and, "Do you," said he
"laugh too, you curl-pated chattering magpye? O the Saturnals! Why
How now, sirrah! is it the month of December? When were you twenty, I
Pray? What would this collop dropt from the gibbet, this crows-meat
Be at? I'll find some or other way for Jupiter to plague thee, and
Him that bred thee no better, or never let me eat a good meals-meat
Again: I could, sirrah, but for the companies sake, I spare thee; tho'
Either we understand not aright, or they are sots themselves that
Carry no better a hand over thee; for without doubt it is true, like
Master like man. I am hot by nature, and can scarce contain my self;
Give me but a mess of peaseporridge, and I care not two-pence for my
Mother. Very well, I shall meet thee abroad, thou mouse; nay, rather
Mole-hill. May I never thrive more, but I'll drive that master of
Thine into a blade of rue; nor shalt thou (so help me Hercules) 'scape
Me, tho' thou couldst call in Jupiter to thy aid: I shall off with
Those locks, and take thee when that trifling master of thine shall be
Out of the way; thou wilt certainly fall into my hands, and either I
Know not my self, or I'll make thee leave that buffoonry: Tho' thy
Beard were of gold, I'll have thee bruised in a mortar, and him that
First taught thee: I never studied geometry, criticism, and meer words
Without sence, but I understand the fitting of stones for buildings;
Can run you over a hundred things, as to metal, weight, coin, and that
To a tittle; if you have a mind you and I will try it between us: I'll
Lay thee a wager, thou wizard, and tho' I am wholly ignorant of
Rhetorick, thou'lt presently see thou hast lost: Let no one run about
The bush to me; I come up to him: Resolve me, I say, 'which of us
Runs, yet stirs not out of his place: which of us grows bigger, and
Yet is less.' Do you scamper? Can't you tell what to make of it, that
You look so like a mouse in a trap? Therefore either hold thy tongue
Or don't provoke a better man than thy self, who does not think thee
Fram'd of nature, unless thou fansiest me taken with those yellow
Curl'd locks, which thou hast already vowed to some who*e or other. O
Lucky opportunity! Come, let's walk the exchange, and see which of us
Can take up money: You'll be satisfied then, this iron has credit
Upon't; a pretty thing, is it not! a drunken fox. So may I gain while
I live, and die well; but the people will brain me if I follow not
That coat on thy back, which is not for thy wearing, where-ever thou
Goest: He's a precious tool too, whoever he were, that taught thee; a
Piece of green cheese, no master. I have learn'd as well as another
Man, and my master said it would be my own another day. Save your
Worship! get home as fast as you can, but look well about you, and
Have a care how you speak irreverently of your betters, or vie estates
With them; he that does it, his purse shall feel it: For my self, that
You see me as I am, I thank my stars for the art I have."
Ascyltos was making answer to his railing; when Trimalchio, pleased
With that good grace of speaking, "Go to," said he, "no more of this
Wild talk, let us rather be pleasant: And you Hermeros, bear with the
Young-man, his blood boils; be thou the soberer man; he that is
Overcome in this matter, goes off conqueror: Even thy self, when thou
Wert such another capon, hadst nothing but coco, coco, and no heart at
All. Let us therefore, which is the better of the two, be heartily
Merry, and expect some admirers of Homer, that will be here
Presently."
Nor were the words scarce out of his mouth, when in came a band of
Men, and made a rustling with their spears and targets. Trimalchio
Leaned on his pillow, the Homerists ratled out Greek verses, as
Arrogantly enough, they were won't to do, and he read a Latin book with
A loud voice: whereupon silence being made, "Know ye," said he, "what
Fable they were upon?
"Diomedes and Ganymede were two brothers, and Helen was their sister;
Agamemnon stole him away, and shamm'd Diana with a hind in his room
As says Homer in this place; and how the Trojans and the Parentines
Fought among themselves; but at last he got the better of it, and
Married his daughter Iphigenia to Achilles; on which Ajax run mad
And there's an end of the tale."
On this the Homerists set up a shout, and a young boiled heifer with
An helmet on her head, was handed in upon a mighty charger: Ajax
Followed, and with a drawn sword, as if he were mad, made at it, now
In one place, then in another, still acting a Morris-dancer; till
Having cut it into joints, he took them upon the point of his sword
And distributed them. Nor had we much time to admire the conceit; for
Of a sudden the roof gave a crack, and the whole room shook: For my
Part, I got on my feet, but all in confusion, for fear some tumbler
Might drop on my head; the same also were the rest of the guests;
Still gaping and expecting what new thing should come from the clouds:
When straight the main beams opened, and a vast circle was let down
All round which hung golden garlands, and alabaster pots of sweet
Ointments
While we were required to take up these presents, I chanced to cast an
Eye upon the table, where there lay a fresh service of cheese-cakes
And tarts, and in the midst of them a lusty rundlet, stuck round with
All sorts of apples and grapes, as they commonly draw that figure
We greedily reached our hands towards it, when of a sudden, a new
Diversion gave us fresh mirth; for all the cheese-cakes, apples and
Tarts, upon the least touch, threw out a delicious liquid perfurne
Which fell upon us
We judging the mess to be sacred, that was so gorgeously set out
Stood up and began a health to the august founder, the father of his
Country: After which reverence, failing to catch that catch could, we
Filled our napkins and I chiefly, who thought nothing too good for my
Boy Gito
During this, in came three boys in white, their coats tuck'd about
Them; of whom, two set on the table three household gods with broaches
About their necks, and the other bearing round us a goblet of wine
Cry'd aloud, "Be the gods favourable!" "The name of this," said he
"is cobler, that other's good-luck, and the third's spend-all:" And as
The image of Trimalchio was carryed round, and every one kiss'd it, we
Thought it a shame not to do as the rest of the company
After this, when all of us had wished him health and happiness
Trimalchio, turning to Niceros, "You were won't," said he, "to be a
Good companion, but what's the matter we get not a word from ye now?
Let me entreat ye, as you would see me happy, do not break an old
Custom."
Niceros, pleased with the frankness of his friend: "Let me never
Thrive," said he, "if I am not ready to caper out of my skin, to see
You in so good a humours; therefore what I say shall be all mirth;
Tho' I am afraid those grave fopps may laugh: but let them look to 't
I'll go on nevertheless; for what am I the worse for any one swearing?
I had rather they laugh at what I say, than at my self."
Thus when he spake---- ----he began this tale:--
"While I was yet a servant we liv'd in a narrow lane, now the house of
Gavilla: There, as the gods would have it, I fell in love with
Tarentius's wife; he kept an eating-house. Ye all knew Melissa
Tarentina, a pretty little punching-block, and withal beautiful; but
(so help me Hercules) I minded her not so much for the matter of the
Point of that, as that she was good-humour'd; if I asked her any
Thing, she never deny'd me; and what money I had, I trusted her with
It; nor did she ever fail me when I'd occasion. It so happened, that
A she-companion of hers had dy'd in the country, and she was gone
Thither; how to come at her I could not tell; but a friend is seen at
A dead lift; it also happened my master was gone to Capua to dispatch
Somewhat or other: I laid hold of the opportunity, and persuaded mine
Host to take an evenings walk of four or five miles out of town, for
He was a stout fellow, and as bold as a devil: The moon shone as
Bright as day, and about co*k-crowing we fell in with a burying-place
And certain monument of the dead: my man loitered behind me
A-star-gazing, and I sitting expecting him, fell a singing and
Numbering them; when looking round me, what should I see but mine host
Stript stark-naked, and his cloaths lying by the high-wayside. The
Sight struck me every where, and I stood as if I had been dead; but he
Piss'd round his cloaths, and of a sudden was turned to a wolf: Don't
Think I jest; I value no man's estate at that rate, as to tell a lye
But as I was saying, after he was turned to a wolf, he set up a howl
And fled to the woods. At first I knew not where I was, till going to
Take up his cloaths, I found them also turn'd to stone. Another man
Would have dy'd for fear, but I drew my sword, and slaying all the
Ghosts that came in my way, lighted at last on the place where my
Mistress was: I entered the first door; my eyes were sunk in my head
The sweat ran off me by more streams than one, and I was just
Breathing my last, without thought of recovery; when my Melissa coming
Up to me, began to wonder why I'd be walking so late; and 'if,' said
She, 'you had come a little sooner, you might have done us a kindness;
For a wolf came into the farm, and has made butchers work enough among
The cattle; but tho' he got off, he has no reason to laugh, for a
Servant of ours ran him through the neck with a pitchfork.' As soon as
I heard her, I could not hold open my eyes any longer, and ran home by
Daylight, like a vintner whose house had been robb'd: But coming by
The place where the cloaths were turned to stone, I saw nothing but a
Puddle of blood; and when I got home, found mine host lying a-bed like
An oxe in his stall, and a chirurgeon dressing his neck. I understood
Afterwards he was a fellow that could change his skin; but from that
Day forward, could never eat a bit of bread with him, no, if you'd
Have k**'d me. Let them that don't believe me, examine the truth of
It; may your good angels plague me as I tell ye a lye."
The company were all wondring, when, "Saving what you have said,"
Quoth Trimalchio, "if there be faith in man, my hair stands on end
Because I know Niceros is no trifler; he's sure of what he says, and
Not given to talking: Nay, I'll tell ye as horrible a thing my self;
But see there, what's that behind the hangings?
"When I was yet a long-hair'd boy, for even then I liv'd a pleasant
Life, I had a minion, and he dy'd: He was (so help me Hercules) a
Pearl, a paragon, nay perfection it self: But when the poor mother
Lamented him, and we also were doing the same, some witches got round
The house on a sudden, you'd have taken them for hounds hunting a
Hare. We had then in the house a Cappadocian, a tall fellow, stout
And hardy, that would not have stept an inch out of his way for
Jupiter. He boldly drew his sword, and wrapping his coat about his
Left arm, leaped out of the house, and as it might be here, (no hurt
To the thing I touch) ran a woman clean through. We heard a pitiful
Groan, but not to lye, saw none of them. Our champion came in and
Threw himself on a bed, but all black and blue, so he had been trosh'd
With flails; for it seems some ill hand had touched him. We shut the
Door, and went on with our mourning; but the mother taking her son in
Her arms, and stroaking him, found nothing but a bolster of straw; it
Had neither heart, entrals, nor any thing, for the fairies belike had
Stollen him out of his cradle, and left that of straw instead of him
Give me credit, I beseech ye, women are craftier than we are, play
Their tricks by night, and turn every thing topsy-turvy. After this
Our tall fellow never came to his colour again, but in a few days died
Raving-mad."
We all wondred, as not doubting what he said, and kissing the table in
Reverence to him, pray'd the privilege of the night, and that our
Places might be kept till we returned
And now we thought the lamps look'd double, and the whole room seem'd
Quite another thing, when Trimalchio again, "I speak to you Plorimus
Won't you come in for a share? Will ye entertain us with nothing
Thou usedst to be a pleasant companion, couldst sing a song and tell a
Tale with the best; but alas! alas! the sweetmeats are gone." "My
Horses," said the other, "ran away with my coach, I have been troubled
With the gout ever since. When I was a young fellow, I sung so long I
Had well nigh brought my self into a consumption. What do ye tell me
Of songs, tales, or barber shops? Who ever came near me but one, only
Apelles;" and with setting his hand to his mouth, whistled out
Somewhat, I know not what, which afterwards he swore was Greek
Trimalchio also when he mimicked the trumpets, looked on his minion
And called him Crœsus: Yet the boy was blear-eye'd, and swathing up
A little black b**h with nasty teeth, and over-grown with fat, in
Green swadlingclouts, he set half a loaf on the table, which she
Refusing, he cram'd her with it: on which Trimalchio commanded the
Guardian of his house and family, Scylax, to be brought; when
Presently was led in a beautiful mastiff in a chain, who having a hint
Given him by a knock of the porter's foot, lay down before the table:
Whereupon Trimalchio throwing him a manchet; "There's no one," said
He, "in this house of mine, loves me better than this dog." The boy
Taking it in dudgeon that Scylax should be so commended, laid the
b**h on the floor, and challenged the dog to have a rubber with him
On this Scylax, after the manner of dogs, set up such a hideous
Barking, that it fill'd the room; and snapping at him, almost rent off
A brooch that hung on Crœsus's breast; nor did the scuffle end
Here, for the great candle being overturn'd on the table, broke all
The chrystal gla**es, and threw the scalding oil on the guests
Trimalchio, not to seem concerned at the loss, kissed the boy, and
Commanded him to get on his back; nor was it long e're he was a
co*k-horse, and slapping his masters shoulders, and laughing, cry'd
Out, "Fool, fool, and how many of them have we here?"
Trimalchio thus kept under for a while, commanded a bumper to be
Fill'd and given round to the waiters, with this further, that
Whosoever refused it should have it poured down his collar. Thus one
While we were grave, and other while merry
After this came junkets and made dishes, the very remembrance of
Which, if I may be believed, will not yet down with me; for there were
Several cram'd hens given about under the notion of thrushes, and
Goose eggs with caps upon them; which Trimalchio, nor without
Ostentation press'd us to eat; adding withal, that their bones were
Taken out
Nor were the words scarce out of his mouth, when a beadle rapp'd at
The door, and one in white, with a company of roisters following him
Came in upon us: For my part I was not a little surprized; and by his
Lordliness taking him for the Mayor of a town, and our selves within
His liberties, was getting upon my feet. Agamemnon laught to see me
So concerned, and bade me sit still; "for," said he, "this Habinas is
A captain of horse, a good mason, and has a special faculty in making
Monuments."
Recovered again with his words, I kept my seat, and wholly fix'd my
Eye on Habinas: He came in drunk, and lolling on his wife's shoulders
With some garlands about him, his face all trickling down with
Ointment, he seated himself at the head of the table, and
Incontinently called for wine and hot water
Trimalchio was pleased with the humour, and calling for a bigger
Gla**, asked him what entertainment he had whence he came?
"Every thing," said the other, "but thy self; for my inclination was
Here; tho' (so help me Hercules) it was all well. Scissa kept a
Nine-days feast for his servant Miscellus, whom he infranchised after
He was dead: It is said he had a round sum in the chequer, for they
Reckon he died worth 50,000 sesterces; yet this was all done in good
Order; tho' every one of us were obliged to pour half his drink on the
Grave."
"But," said Trimalchio, "what had ye to eat?" "I'll tell ye," quoth
Habinas, "as near as I can, for my memory is not so good, but that
Sometimes I forget my own name: However, for the first dish we had a
Goodly porker, with a garland upon him, and puddings, goose giblets
Lamb-stones, sweetbreads, and gizzards round him; there were also
Beets and houshold-bread of his own baking, for himself, which I would
Rather have than white; it makes a man strong, and I never complain of
What I like. The next was a cold tart, with excellent warm honey, and
That Spanish, running upon it. I eat little of the tart, but more of
The honey; I tasted also the red pulse, and lupines, by the advice of
Calvus, and several apples, of which I took away two in my
Handkerchief: for if I bring home nothing to my little she slave, I
Shall have snubs enough: this dame of mine puts me often in mind of
Her. We had also on a side-table the haunch of a bear, which
Scintilla tasting ere she was aware, had like to have thrown up her
Guts: I on the other hand eat a pound of it or better, for methought
It tasted like boars flesh; and said I, if a bear eats a man, why may
Not a man much more eat a bear? To be short, we had cream cheese
Wine boil'd off to a third part, fry'd snails, chitterlings, livers
Eggs, turneps, mustard, and a bowl that held a gallon. Don't disturb
Me, Palamedes; there were also handled about a basket of sugar-cakes
Of which we wantonly took some, and sent away the gammon of bacon
But tell me Caius, I beseech you, what's the matter that Fortunata
Sits not among us?" "How came you to know her?" quoth Trimalchio;
"for till she has gotten her plate together, and distributed what we
Leave among the servants, not a sip of any thing goes into her mouth."
"But unless she sits down," replied Habinas, "I'll be gone"; and was
Getting up, but that the word being four times given about for her
She came at last in a greenish gown and a cherry-colour'd stomacher
Beneath which might be seen her petticoat and embroidered garters;
Then wiping her hands on her neckcloth, she sate on that bed whereon
Scintilla the wife of Habinas was; and having given her a kiss, told
Her it was in compliment to her that she was there. At length it came
To this, that she took off her weighty bracelets, and shewed them to
Scintilla, which she admiring, she also unbuckled her garters and a
Net-work purse, which she said was of the finest gold
Trimalchio observed it, and commanding all to be laid before him
"See," said he, "this womans finery, and what fools our wives make us;
They should be six pound and a half; yet I've another of Mercury's
Making, that weighs ten": And that he might not be thought to tell a
Lye, called for his gold scales, and commanded them to be weighed: Nor
Had Scintilla more wit than t'other, for pulling a golden box out of
Her bosom, which she called good luck, she took out of it two large
Pearl pendants, giving them in like manner to Fortunata to view:
"See," quoth she, "what 'tis to have a kind husband, I am sure no
Woman has better." "What," said Habinas, "hast thou put the sham on
Me? thou toldst me thou couldst be contented with gla** beads; and for
This trick, if I had a daughter I'd cut off her ears; tho' were there
No women what were the rest worth? This is to piss warm and drink
Cold."
Mean time the women perceiving they were toucht, twitter'd among
Themselves, and being got drunk, fell to kissing one another; one
Commended the mistress of the house, t'other the master: when during
This chatter, Habinas stealing behind Fortunata, gave her such a toss
On the bed, that her heels flew as high as her head, on which she gave
A squeak or two, and finding her thighs bare, ran her head under
Scintilla's smock
This held a while, till Trimalchio calling for a second service to
Entertain his new guests, the servants took away the tables that were
Before us, and having brought others, strew'd the room with pin-dust
Mixt with vermillion and saffron; and what I never saw before, the
Dust of a looking-gla** ground to powder
When immediately, quoth Trimalchio, "I could have been contented with
Those first dishes; but since we have got other tables, we must also
Have another service; and if there be any thing worth our having
Bring it."
On which, a spruce boy that served us with warm water, began to
Imitate a nightingale; till Trimalchio giving the word, a servant that
Waited on Habinas, set up another humour, and, as I believe, commanded
By his master, nois'd out;
"Mean time Æneas had put off to sea."
Nor was there ever a harsher sound yet pierced my ears; for besides
His disordered country tone, his pitiful and starvling way of
Delivery, he so stufft it with scraps of verses, that even Virgil then
First disrelished me; till at last so tyr'd, that he could hold no
Longer; "D'ye think," said Habinas, "this boy has learn'd nothing? I
Bred him with juglers that follow the fair: Nor has he his fellow
Whether he humours a muliteer or a jester. This never-be-good has
Abundance of wit; he's a taylor, a cook, a baker, a jack of all
Trades, and but for two faults, were exact to a hair: He's
Crack-brain'd, and snores in his sleep: For that cast of his eye I
Value it not, he looks like Venus, and therefore his tongue is ever
Running; and were that eye out he were worth the money I gave for
Him."
On which Scintilla interrupting him, told him he was a naughty man
For not telling all his servant's good qualities: "He's a pimp," said
He, "if not worse, but I'll take care he be branded for that."
Trimalchio laught, and said he knew he was a Cappadocian that never
Beguiled himself of any thing, and "(so help me Hercules) I commend
Him for 't: when will you find such another, but Scintilla, you must
Not be jealous! Believe me, and I know you too; may I so enjoy the
Health you wish me, as I play'd at leap-frog so long with our boy
That my master grew jealous, and sent me to dig in the country: But
Hold thy tongue and I'll give thee a loaf." I marvel," said I
"whether they be all mash'd together or made of loam; for in a
Saturnal at Rome, my self saw the like imaginary shew of a supper."
Nor had I scarce said it, when--quoth Trimalchio, "Let me so grow in
Estate, not bulk, as my cook made all of this out of one hog; there is
Not an excellenter fellow than himself; he shall, if he please, make
Ye a poll of ling of a sows tripe; a wood-culver of fat bacon; a
Turtle of a spring of pork; and a hen of a collar of brawn; and
Therefore of my own fancy, I gave him a name proper to him, for he is
Called Dædalus: And because he understands his business, I had
Chopping-knives of the best steel brought him from Rome"; and with
That, calling for them, he turn'd them over, and admiring them
Offered us the liberty of trying their edge on his cheek
On this came in two servants as quarrelling about their collars, at
Which each of them had a large earthen pot hanging; and when
Trimalchio determined the matter between them, neither of them stood
To his sentence, but fell to club-law, and broke each others pots
This drunken presumption put us out of order; yet casting an eye on
The combatants, we saw oisters and scallops running from the pots, and
Another boy receiving them in a charger, which he carried round the
Guests
Nor was the cook's ingenuity short of the rest, for he brought us a
Dish of grill'd snails on a silver gridiron, and with a shrill
Unpleasant voice, sang as he went. I am asham'd of what follow'd;
For, what was never heard of till then, the boys came in with a bason
Of liquid perfumes, and first binding our legs, ancles and feet, with
Garlands, anointed them with it, and put the rest into the wine vessel
And the lamps
And now Fortunata began to dance, and Scintilla's hands went faster
Than her tongue; when, quoth Trimalchio, "Sit down Philargyrus; I give
Ye leave, and you Carrio, because you are a green-ribbon-man, and you
Minophilus bid your comrade do the like"; what shall I say more? The
Family so crowded upon us, that we were almost thrust off our beds;
And who should be seated above me, but the cook who had made a goose
Of a hog, all stinking of pickle and kitchen-stuff; nor yet content
That he sate amongst us, he fell immediately to personate Thespis the
Tragedian, and dare his master to a wager which of them two should win
The prize next wrestling
Trimalchio abash'd at the challenge; "My friends," said he, "even
Servants are men; and however oppress'd by ill luck, s**ed the same
Milk our selves did; and for mine, it shall not be long e're I make
Them free without prejudice to my self: to be short, I enfranchise all
Of them by my last will and testament
"I give Philargus a country farm, and his she-comrade; to Carrio an
Island, with a twentieth part of my moveables, a bed and its
Furniture; for I make Fortunata my heiress, whom I recommend to all my
Friends, and publish what I have done, to the end my family may so
Love me now, as if I were dead."
All thanked their master for his kindness; and he, as having forgotten
Trifles, called for a copy of his will, which he read from one end to
The other, the family all the while sighing and sobbing; afterwards
Turning to Habinas, "Tell me, my best of friends," said he, "do you go
On with my monument as I directed ye, I earnestly entreat ye, that at
The feet of my statue you carve me my little b**h, as also garlands
And ointments, and all the battles I have been in, that by your
Kindness I may live when I am dead: Be sure too that it have an
Hundred feet as it fronts the highway, and as it looks towards the
Fields two hundred: I will also, that there be all sorts of fruit and
Vines round my ashes, and that in great abundance: For it is a gross
Mistake to furnish houses for the living, and take no care of those we
Are to abide in for ever: And therefore in the first place, I will
Have it engraven--
'LET NO HEIR OF MINE PRETEND TO THIS MONUMENT.'
"And that I may receive no injury after I am dead, I'll have a codicil
Annext to my will, whereby I'll appoint one of my freed-men the keeper
Of this monument, that the people make not a house-of-office of it
Make me also, I beseech you, on this my monument, ships under full
Sail, and my self in my robes sitting on the bench, with five gold
Rings on my fingers, and scattering moneys among the common people;
For you know I have ordered ye a funeral feast, and two-pence a-piece
In money. You shall also, if you think fit, shape me some of these
Beds we now sit on, and all the people making their court to me. On
My right hand place my Fortunata's statue, with a dove in one hand
And leading a little dog in her girdle with the other: As also my
Cicero, and large wine vessels close cork'd that the wine don't run
Out, and yet carve one of them as broken, and a boy weeping over it;
As also a sun-dial in the middle, that whoever comes to see
What's-a-clock, may read my name whether he will or no. And lastly
Have a special consideration whether you think this epitaph sufficient
Enough:
'HERE RESTS CAIUS POMPEIUS TRIMALCHIO, PATRON OF THE LEARNED. A TROOP
OF HORSE WAS DECREED HIM, WITHOUT SUING FOR, AND MIGHT HAVE BEEN A
SENATOR WOULD HE HAVE ACCEPTED IT. A PIOUS MAN, HONEST, VALIANT, AND
TRUE TO HIS FRIEND. HE RAISED HIMSELF FROM LITTLE OR NOTHING, BUT
LEFT BEHIND HIM A PRODIGIOUS ESTATE, YET NEVER HEARD A PHILOSOPHER
FAREWELL TO YOU ALSO.'"
This said, Trimalchio wept plentifully, Fortunata wept, Habinas wept
And the whole family set up a cry as it had been his funeral; nay, I
Also whin'd for company: when, quoth Trimalchio, "Since you know we
Must die, why don't we live while we may? so let me live my self to
See you happy; as, if we plunge our selves in the bath we shall not
Repent it: At my peril be it; I'll lead the way, for this room is
Grown as hot as an oven." "Say you so," quoth Habinas, "nor am I
Afraid to make two days of one"; and therewith got up barefoot and
Follow'd Trimalchio
I on the other hand turning to Ascyltos, asked him what he thought of
It, for "if I but see the bath I shall swoon away."
"Let's lagg behind then," said he, "and whilst they are getting in
We'll slip off in the crowd."
The contrivance pleased us; and so Gito leading the way through the
Portico, we came to the last gate, where a chained dog bolted upon us
So furiously, that Ascyltos fell into the fishpond. I, who had been
Frighted at the painted dog, and now gotten as drunk as Ascyltos
While I endeavoured to get hold of him, fell in my self; at last the
Porter's coming in saved us, for he quieted the dog and drew us out;
But Gito, like a sharp rascal, delivered himself, for whatever had
Been given him at supper to carry home with him, he threw it the dog
And that mollified him
But, when shivering with cold, we desired the porter to let us out:
"You're mistaken," said he, "if ye think to go out the same way ye
Came in, for no guest ere yet did; they came in at one gate and are
Let out by another."
In this sad pickle, what should we do? we found ourselves in a new
Kind of labyrinth, and for bathing, we'd enough of it already:
However, necessity enforcing us, we pray'd him to show us the way to
The bath: and Gito having hung out our cloaths a drying in the porch
We entred the bath, which was somewhat narrow, and sunk in the earth
Not unlike a rainwater cistern; in this stood Trimalchio stark-naked:
Nor could we avoid his filthy tricks; for he said, nothing was better
Than to bathe in a crowd; and that every place had in times past been
A grinding-house. Being weary at length, he sate down, and provok'd
By the noisiness of the bath, set up his drunken throat, and fell a
Murdering some songs of Menecrates, as they that understood him told
Us
Other guests ran round the cistern with their arms across, and made a
Clamorous slap with their mouths; others either try'd to take up a
Ring from the pavement, with their hands bound behind them, or putting
One knee to the ground, to kiss their great toes backward
While they thus entertained one another, we went into the hot-house
That had been heated for Trimalchio; and being now recovered of our
Drunkenness, were brought into another room, where Fortunata had set
Out a fresh entertainment. Above the lamps I observed some women's
Gewgaws. The tables were ma**y silver, the earthen ware double gilt
And a conduit running with wine; when, quoth Trimalchio, "This day, my
Friends, a servant of mine opened a barber's shop; he's well to pa**
A thrifty fellow, and a favourite of mine: Come, let the floor have a
Drink as well as our selves; and for our part, we'll sit to it till
Day-light."
While he was yet speaking, a co*k crow'd, at which Trimalchio grew
Disordered, and commanded the wine to be thrown under table, and
Sprinkle the larnps with it; then changing a ring to his right hand
"it is not for nothing," said he, "this trumpeter has given us notice;
For either the house should be on fire, or one of the neighbourhood
Will k** himself: Far from us be it, and therefore, whoever brings me
This discoverer I'll give him a reward."
When immediately a co*k was brought in, and Trimalchio, commanding to
Have him drest he was torn in pieces by that exquisite cook, who a
Little before had make us fish and fowl of a hog, and put in a
Stew-pan, and while Dædalus was taking a lusty draught, Fortunata
Ground pepper
After which Trimalchio taking some of the banquet, bid the waiters go
To supper, and let others supply their places
Whereupon came in another rank of servants, and as the former going
Cry'd out, "Farewell, Caius," those coming in cry'd out, "Sit thou
Merry, Caius."
And here our mirth first began to be disturb'd; for a beautiful boy
Coming in among those new servants, Trimalchio plucked the boy to him
And did nothing but kiss him over and over: Whereupon Fortunata to
Maintain her right, began to rail at Trimalchio, called him pitiful
Fellow, one that could not bridle his lust, shame and dishonour to an
Honest woman, and a very dog. Trimalchio on the other hand, all
Confounded and vex'd at her taunts, threw a goblet at her head: She
Fell a roaring as if she had lost an eye, and clapt both her hands
Before it
Scintilla also stood amazed, and covered Fortunata all trembling as
She was, in her bosom; the boy also put a cold pitcher to her cheek
On which she leaned and made a lamentable wailing and blubbing
But Trimalchio quite contrary; "for," said he, "what am I the better
For this graceless bu*tock? 'Tis well known I took her out of a
Bawdy-house, and made her an honest woman, but now blown up like a
Frog she bespatters herself; a very block, no woman: But this poor boy
Born in a hovel, never dreams of palaces. May my good genius so
Befriend me, as I'll bring down this seeming saint, but in her actions
A who*e rampant: As inconsiderable as she makes me, I might have had a
Wife with two hundred and fifty pistols; you know I don't lye; but she
Was somewhat in years, and Agatho the sweet oilman, persuaded me not
To let my name run out, when instead of doing good to her, I have put
A thorn in my own foot: but I'll have a care that she dig me not out
Of my grave with her nails: And that she may know what I'll do at
Present, I will not, Habinas, have you put her statue in my monument
That I have no words with her when I am dead: Nay, that she may know I
Am able to plague her, she shall not so much as kiss me when I die."
After this ratling, Habinas entreated him to give over his anger;
"There's none of us all," said he, "but some time or other does amiss;
We are but men, not gods." Weeping Scintilla said the same, called
Him Caius, and by his own good nature, besought him to be pacified
Trimalchio not able to hold tears any longer, "I beg of you, Habinas,"
Said he, "and as you wish to enjoy what you have gotten, if I have
Done any thing without cause, spit in my face: I kiss'd the boy 'tis
True, not for his beauty, but that he's a hopeful thrifty lad: He has
Several sentences by heart, can read a book at first sight; saves
Money out of his days provision; has a binn of his own to keep it, and
Two drinking cups; and does he not deserve to be in my eye? but
Fortunata, forsooth, will not have it so; your bandy legs won't away
With it. Be content with your own, thou she-kite, and don't disquiet
Me, thou harlotry, or otherwise thou'lt find what I am; thou knowest
Well enough, if I once set on't, 'tis immoveable. But we'll remember
The living
"Come, my friends, let's see how merry ye can be, for in my time I
Have been no better than your selves, but by my own industry I am what
I am: 'Tis the heart makes a man, all the rest is but stuff. I buy
Cheap and sell dear; another man may sell ye other things, but I enjoy
My self; and thou dunghillraker, are thou yet gruntling, I'll make ye
Hereafter do it for somewhat
"But as I was saying my frugality brought the fortune I have: I came
Out of Asia no taller than this candlestick, and daily measured my
Self by it: and that I might get a beard the sooner, rubb'd my lips
With the candle-grease; yet I kept Ganymede to my master fourteen
Years (nor is any thing dishonourable that the master commands) and
The same time contented my mistress: Ye know what I mean, I'll say no
More, for I am no boaster. By this means, as the gods would have it
The governing the house was committed to me, and nothing was done but
By my guidance: What need many words? He made me joint-heir with
Cæsar, and I had by it a Senator's estate; but no man thinks he has
Enough, and I had a mighty desire to turn merchant. Not to detain you
Longer; I built five ships, freighted them with wines, which at that
Time were as dear as gold, and sent them to Rome; you'll think I
Desir'd to have it so: All my ships founder'd at sea; 'tis a great
Truth, no story; Neptune swallowed me in one day three hundred
Thousand sesterties. Do ye think I broke upon 't, (so help me
Hercules) no; the loss was but a flea-bite: For, as if there had been
No such thing, I built others, larger, better, and more fortunate than
The former; so that every one called me a man of courage. As you know
A great ship carries a great deal of force, I loaded them again with
Wine, bacon, beans, unguents, planes: And here Fortunata shewed her
Affection; for she sold what she had; nay, her very cloaths, and put a
Round sum in my pocket; tho' yet it was but a pig of my own sow. What
The gods will is quickly done; I got an hundred thousand sesterties by
The voyage, and forthwith redeemed the lands my patron had left me
Built me a house, bought cattle to sell them again, and whatever I
Went about gathered like a snow-ball: But when I grew richer than all
The country besides, I took up; and from a merchant turn'd usurer, and
Bought servants
"Thus resolved to give over trading, a certain astrologer that chanc'd
To light on this village, would have persuaded me to the contrary. He
Was a Græcian, his name Sœrapa, one that held correspondence
With the gods. He told me a deal that I had forgotten, and laid
Everything before me from top to bottom: He knew all I had within me
And told me what I had the night before to supper; you'd have thought
He had liv'd with me all his life
"I beseech you, Habinas, for I think you was there; he told me the
Intrigue between my mistress and me; that I had but ill luck at
Friends; that no one ever made me a return of my kindnesses: That I
Had large possessions, but nourished a viper in my bosom: Why should I
Not tell you all? I have by his account, thirty years, four months
And two days yet to live; and in a short time shall have another
Estate left me
"Thus my fortune-teller. But if I can join my lands here to those in
Apulia, I shall do well enough: in the mean, and while Mercury is my
Guardian, I have built this house: it was once you know, a pitiful
Cabin, but now as magnificent as a temple: it has four dining rooms
Twenty bed-chambers two marble porticoes, a gallery above stairs, my
Own apartment, another for this viper; a very good porter's lodge, and
The house capable of receiving a thousand guests: To be short, when
Ever Scaurus comes this way, he had rather lodge here than at his own
House, tho' it lie to the seaward: and many other conveniences it has
Which I'll shew you by and by. Believe me, he that has a penny in his
Purse, is worth a penny: Have and you shall be esteemed. And so your
Friend, once no better than a frog, is now a king
"And now Stichus bring me the furniture in which I design to be
Carried to my funeral pile; bring also the unguent, and some of that
Pot, which I ordered for the cleansing my bones."
Stichus lingered not, but brought in a white coverlet, and robe of
State, and pray'd us to try if they were not fine wooll, and well
Woven. "And see you Stichus," said Trimalchio smiling, "that neither
Mice nor moths come at them, for if they do I'll burn you alive. I
Will be brought out in pomp, that all the people may speak well of
Me."
With that opening a gla** bottle of spicknard, he caused us all to be
Anointed; and "I hope," said he, "it will do as much good when I am
Dead, as it does while I am living": Then commanding the wine vessels
To be filled again; "Fausie," said he, "you are invited to my funeral
Feast." We by this time nauseated, were ready to vomit; Trimalchio
Also was gotten confoundedly drunk, when behold, a new interlude; he
Called for the coronets to come in; and, underset with pillows, and
Stretching himself at length on the bed, "suppose me," said he, "now
Dead, say somewhat, I beseech you, in praise of me."
Whereupon the coronets sounded as it had been at a funeral; but one
Above the rest, a servant of that freed-man of Trimalchio's, that was
Best condition'd of 'em all, made such a thundring, that it rais'd the
Neighbourhood: On which the watch thinking the house was on fire
Broke open the gate, and making an uproar after their manner, ran in
With water and hatchets: When finding so fair an opportunity, we gave
Agamemnon the slip, and scamper'd off, as if it had been a real fire