When the world is unforgiving When a life's not worth the living There's a lost sheep to be rescued And a way must be found Let us treat him like a brother Let us love him like a mother He can trust us, we're his good friends And we'll never, ever let him down! We must share our confession Of his every transgression Lest some slight indiscression Should tarnish his crown To procure his redemption For his good and protection You can tell me, I'm his good friend And I'll never ever let him down! To procure his redemption For his good and protection! We can tell you, you're his good friend And you'll never ever let him down! (Gossip!) Gossip, gossip! (Scandal!) Scandal, scandal! (Rumor!) Rumor, rumor! (Slander!) Slander, slander! (Libel!) Libel, libel, tittle tattle! Mustn't spread it around... (Gossip!) Chit chat! (Scandal!) Chew the fat! (Rumor!) Spill the beans! (Slander!) Dish the dirt! (Libel!) Dirty laundry, tittle tattle! But we'll never let him down! Blind to his faults, to a degree No one more tolerant No better friends than we Let us treat him like a brother! Let us love him like a mother! He can trust us, we're his good friends And we'll never, ever let him down! (Anger!) Anger, anger! (Envy!) Envy, envy! (Malice!) Malice, malice! (Poison!) Poison, poison (Stab!) Stab, stab, rotten ba*tard! But don't spread it around! (Gossip!) Anger, anger! (Scandal!) Envy, envy! (Rumor!) Malice, malice! (Slander!) Poison, poison!
(Libel!) Stab, stab, inuendo! But we'll never let him down! Blind to his faults, to a degree No one more tolerant No better friends than we! Judging his sins, mercifully! Here is the final list of which we can agree: Alcoholic, plagiaristic Vitriolic, narcissistic Diabolic, syphilitic But we mustn't spread it round! Necrophilic, psychopathic Schizophrenic, p**nographic! But don't quote me, I'm his best friend And I'll never, ever let him down! Necrophilic, psychopathic Schizophrenic, p**nographic! We must help him, he's our good friend And we'll never, ever let him down! (Gossip!) Gossip, gossip! (Scandal!) Scandal, scandal! (Rumor!) Rumor, rumor! (Slander!) Slander, slander! (Libel!) Libel, libel, tittle tattle! Mustn't spread it around... (Gossip!) Chit chat! (Scandal!) Chew the fat! (Rumor!) Spill the beans! (Slander!) Dish the dirt! (Libel!) Dirty laundry, tittle tattle! But we'll never let him down! Griswold, I've decided to write! You should be my literary executor! Me?? Him?? How exciting! How delightful! How rewarding! How insightful! There's a sense of jubilation And the feeling is profound! Such perfection to admire No opinion could be higher! You can trust him, he's your best friend And he'll never, ever let him down! (Shh!!) You can trust me, I'm you're best friend And I'll never, ever let you down! ALL: You can trust him he's your best friend And he'll never, ever let you down!!