[PERCY]
Lud love me such conjecturing
Could drive a man insane!
And I'm the one to set
This gossip quite to rest
The Pimpernel is me!
[MARGUERITE]
Indeed, and I'm the queen of Spain!
[A MAN]
The Pimpernel is nothing
But a nosy pest!
[A WOMAN]
No, the vicar says the Pimpernel's
A bishop in disguise
[MARGUERITE]
Who gives absolution
Night and day!
[A MAN]
Stuff and nonsense! Don't you know
He's a maharajah from Bombay?
[A WOMAN]
They say he has enormous feet!
[A MAN]
And that he tends to overeat!
[A WOMAN]
I've heard he's fussy with his food
[WOMAN X]
And eats his breakfast in the nude!
[WOMEN]
Is he robust
Or very pale?
At least we know he's male!
Who is the Scarlet Pimpernel?
[A MAID]
Me sister says his breath
Is sweeter than an Irish rose!
[MAIDS]
I'm sure I'd fall in love
If he would cross my path!
[A MAN]
La, yes if you could overlook
The warts upon his nose
[ANOTHER MAN]
And possibly persuade him
He should take a bath!
[A WOMAN]
Rumor has it he's Castilian!
[A WOMAN]
He's a reckless buccaneer!
[WOMAN X]
And I hear he carries sev'ral ... whips ...
[PERCY, spoken]
Several ... whips?!
[A MAN]
He's a sultan from Kabul
[A WOMAN]
With women at his fingertips!
[A WOMAN]
They say he's nearly eight feet tall!
[A WOMAN]
And yet quite graceful -
[A MAN]
Folderol!
[A MAN]
I'm told he waddles when he walks
[MEN]
And often twitches when he talks!
[A MAN]
Is he a dolt?
[PERCY]
He's very deep!
[ALL]
Oh, England's losing sleep!
[PERCY]
Who is this blasted Pimpernel?
[A MAN]
The butcher in the village
Claims he saw the man last week
[PERCY, spoken]
Where?
[A MAN]
Galloping his camel 'cross the moor!
[A WOMAN]
He's been seen
[A MAN]
Wearing full Blakeney green!
[PERCY]
I've told you all before!
The fella's me!
[A MAN]
It's George the Third!
[A MAN]
Perhaps a convict run amok?
[A MAN]
This Pimpernel could be most any sod!
[PERCY, spoken]
How dare you?
[A WOMAN]
Bite your tongue
He is dashing and young!
[WOMEN]
The Pimpernel's a god!
And he'll find me!
And he'll wake me!
And he'll take me
[WOMAN X]
Down on a haystack
[WOMEN]
He'll face me
[MEN]
Then at last you could tell
If he's a hero or a monk
A fiddling Nero or a drunk!
Who is the Scarlet Pimpernel?
[PERCY, spoken]
It's me, it's me!
[A MAN]
I'm sure he's flatulent and cra**!
[MEN]
Hear, hear! The man's a horse's a**!
[WOMEN]
No, no! He's neighborly and kind
[WOMAN X]
But quite erotically inclined ...
[ALL]
Whatever guise he may employ
He's England's pride and joy!
This plucky non-pareil!
[PERCY]
This lucky bloody swell!
[ALL]
Who is the Scarlet Pimpernel?