A more humane Mikado never did in Japan exist
To nobody second I'm certainly reckoned a true philanthropist
It is my very humane endeavour to make to some extent
Each evil liver a running river of harmless merriment
My object all sublime I shall achieve in time
To let the punishment fit the crime, the punishment fit the crime
And make each prisoner pent, unwillingly represent
A source of innocent merriment, of innocent merriment
All prosy dull society sinners who chatter and bleat and bore
Are sent to hear sermons from mystical Germans who preach from ten till four
The amateur tenor whose vocal villainies all desire to shirk
Shall, during off-hours exhibit his powers to Madame Tussaud's waxwork
The lady who dyes a chemical yellow or stains her grey hair puce
Or pinches her figure is painted with vigour and permanent walnut juice
The idiot who in railway carriages scribbles on window-panes
We only suffer to ride on a buffer in Parliamentary trains
My object all sublime I shall achieve in time
To let the punishment fit the crime, the punishment fit the crime
And make each prisoner pent, unwillingly represent
A source of innocent merriment, of innocent merriment
His object all sublime he will achieve in time
To let the punishment fit the crime, the punishment fit the crime
And make each prisoner pent, unwillingly represent
A source of innocent merriment, of innocent merriment
The advertising quack who wearies with tales of countless cures
His teeth, I've enacted shall all be extracted by terrified amateurs
The music-hall singer attends a series of ma**es and fugues and "ops"
By Bach, interwoven with Spohr and Beethoven at cla**ical Monday Pops
The billiard sharp who any one catches, his doom's extremely hard
He's made to dwell in a dungeon cell on a spot that's always barred
And there he plays extravagant matches in fitless finger-stalls
On a cloth untrue with a twisted cue and elliptical billiard balls
My object all sublime I shall achieve in time
To let the punishment fit the crime, the punishment fit the crime
And make each prisoner pent, unwillingly represent
A source of innocent merriment, of innocent merriment
His object all sublime he will achieve in time
To let the punishment fit the crime, the punishment fit the crime
And make each prisoner pent, unwillingly represent
A source of innocent merriment, of innocent merriment