[The sound of wind blowing over a frozen tundra]
[Heckler:]
You got a bad attitude.
[The audience whoops]
[Hicks:]
[singing] "We've only just begun..."
I got alllllllllll sorts of new dark sh** for you, my man.
You ever dance with the devil in the moonlight?
I dunno what my attitude is, I'm trying to work on it all the time. You know. What the f**.
I'm drinking water tonight. That's pretty amazing. Water. It's really weird how your life changes, you know what I mean? Water.
Four years ago? Opium.
Isn't that weird? I mean, really!
Night and day! Night and f**in' day!
Some of y'all may remember me as a drinker. Uh... I was a weekend drinker. You know, I'd start on Saturday, end on Friday. And, um... I thought I was controlling it there, but...
I don't drink anymore. I don't do d** anymore, either, than... I'd say, the average touring funk band.
If I had to add it up.
No, I don't do d** anymore, either.
But I'll tell you something about d**. I used to do d**. But I'll tell you something honestly about d**, honestly, and I know it's not a very popular idea. You don't hear it very often anymore, BUT it is the truth... I had a great time doin' d**.
Sorry.
Never murdered anyone, never robbed anyone, never raped anyone, never beat anyone, never lost a job, a car, a house, a wife OR kids, laughed my a** off... and went about my day.
Sorry.
Now, where's my commercial?
Why don't I get a commercial? Why is it always that other guy that gets the commercial?
"I lost my job, then my house, then my wife, then my car, then my kids. Don't do d**."
Well, I'm definitely not doing 'em with you. f**!
Man, you're bummin' me out! Get him out of here!
Who invited Mr. Doom over? Get that guy out of here!
That guy by the dip. He's bummin' everyone out!
He hasn't stopped talkin'... I wish he'd lose his f**in' voice!
I mean, I've lost my car before, okay.
Found it the next day, you know, no biggie.
I don't think that warranted a commercial.
"I lost my car and, uh...
Nope, there it is by that dumpster! Hahaha!
Forget it! See you tomorrow!"
[honks twice and speeds off]
You know, I've lost stuff. I'm not sayin' that.
I knew we were in trouble when that damn... that egg commercial. That guy. I knew that was... the government's take on d**, you know, were f**ed. Believe me.
"Here's your brain."
I've seen a lot of weird sh** on d**. I've never ever ever EVER EVER looked at an egg and thought it was a f**in' brain. Not once. Alright?
I have seen UFOs split the sky like a sheet, but I have never, ever, ever looked at an egg and thought it was a f**in' brain... NOT ONCE.
I have had seven balls of light come off of a UFO, lead me onto their ship, explain to me telepathically that we are all one and there is no such thing as d**h, but I have never ever ever ever looked at an egg... and thought it was a f**in' brain.
Now.
Maybe I wasn't getting good sh**.
I admit it, I see that commercial, I feel cheated.
"Hey, where's the stuff that makes eggs look like brains?
That sounds neat, did I quit too soon?
What is that, CIA stash?"
You see the guy in that commercial, guy's got a beer gut...
[thick Southern accent] "Alright, this is it. Look at that, man. This is yer brain. I ain't doin' this again. That's your br--"
The guy's drunk doing the f**in' commercial, man.
"Here's your brain."
THAT'S AN EGG! That's a frying pan, that's a stove, you're an alcoholic. Dude, I'm trippin' right now... and I still see that as a f**in' egg, alright?
I see the UFOs around it, but that is a goddamn EGG in the middle...
There's a Hobbit eating it, but got dammit, that Hobbit is eatin' a f**in' EGG.
He's on a unicorn, but that-- nope!-- that-- eh!-- oh!-- That's a f**in' egg! Yeah.
How dare you have a wino tell me not to do d**.
[Audience Member:]
Why did you quit?
[Hicks:]
Why did I quit?
Because after you've been taken aboard a UFO, it's kinda hard to top that, alright?
They have Alcoholics Anonymous, they don't have Alien Anonymous.
Tell you what, though, going to AA meetings (which I have to do), but uh, goin' there and hearin' people talk about their f**in' booze stories... you know, I'm sittin' there...
"You know, I love the taste of gin. It's just so good. Ta--"
f** you, I've been on a UFO! f** off!
I went DRINKIN' with aliens, you f**er! Shut up!
"I lost my wife..."
I LOST AN ALIEN CULTURE WHO WANTED TO TAKE ME TO THE PLANET ARCTURUS. fu*k YOU!
I mean, I don't know if I've gotten the Resentment/Forgiveness part down in the program, but!
[singing] "One day at a time..."
No, I just cannot, you know, believe in a war against d** when they have anti-drug commercials on TV all day long followed by... "This Bud's for You". I got news for you, folks.
A1: Alcohol is a drug
B2: (and here's the rub) Alcohol k**s more people than crack, coke and h**n... combined each year.
So, thanks for inviting me to your little alcoholic drug den here tonight... you fine, upstanding citizens, you, wink wink, nudge nudge.
You know what? If I was gonna have a drug be legal, it would not be alcohol. You know why? There's better d** and better d** for you.
That's a fact, so you can stop your internal dialogue.
"But wait a minute, Bill! Alcohol's an acceptable form of social interaction which for thousands of years has been the norm under which human beings have congregated and formed... social cliques, and they've conquered..."
Shut the f** up.
Your denial is beneath you, and thanks to the use of hallucinogenic d**... I see through you.
Pot is a better drug than alcohol: fffffact. And I'll prove it to you.
You're at a ball game; you're at a concert; someone's really violent, aggressive and obnoxious. Are they drunk or are they smokin' pot?
[Audience:]
Drunk!
[Hicks:]
The one and only correct answer, tell 'em what they won, Johnny!
I've never seen people on pot get in a fight because it is f**ing impossible!
"Hey, buddy!"
"Hey, what?"
[long pause]
End of argument.
Say you get in a car accident and you've been smoking pot.
You're only going 4 miles per hour!
[low screech, crash]
"sh**, we hit somethin'!"
"Forgot to open the garage door, man."
"We gotta get the garage door open so Domino's knows we're home!"
But I'll tell you the truth: I have never heard one reason that rang true why marijuana is against the law.
That rang true, now! I'm not talking about the reasons the government tells us, 'cause I hope you know this (I think you do): All governments are lying co*ks**ers.
Hope you know that. Good, alright.
I mean, marijuana grows everywhere. Serves a thousand different functions, all of them positive. To make marijuana against the law is like saying God made a mistake, you know what I mean?
It's like God on the seventh day looked down on his creation and said, "There it is. My creation. Perfect and holy in all ways. Now I can rest.
[pause]
Oh my Me...
I left f**in' pot everywhere.
I should never have smoked that joint on the third day. sh**!
If I leave pot everywhere, that's gonna give people the impression they're supposed to use it!
sh**!
Now I have to create Republicans."
So you see, it's a vicious cycle.
And I'm not promoting the use of d**. Believe me. I've... I'm not. I've had bad times on d**, okay? I mean, look at this haircut. f**!
I tell you, I live in New York now, man. I'll tell you, man, the War on Drugs has definitely taken a cease-fire there. It's...
I mean, it's incredible. They sell d** out loud on the street.
"Heroin! Heroin! Heroin! Coke! Coke! Coke! Smoke! Smoke!
Heroin! Heroin!"
Those guys bug the sh** out of me.
'Cause I'm walking down the street one day, this guy's walking ahead of me, pa**es one of those dealers, he looks at him and he goes, "Heroin! Heroin! Heroin!"
I pa** him, he looked at me, he goes, "Glue!"
I can afford h**n, you f**er!
I'm doin' laundry right now.
Soon as my shirt's out of the cleaners, I'm comin' back and buyin' some of that sh** from you!
Didn't need to embarra** me to d**h, alright? I was mortified.
Glue.
f**er!
Where's a bank machine? Come here!
Come here, Mr. Dealer! COME HERE!
I'm gonna show you my balance!
Then I'm gonna buy h**n from that little kid across the street. fu*k YOU!
New York's a rather tense town.