What do you say we, uh, lighten things up and talk about abortion? You know, I feel like I'm losing some of you here and I want to win all of you back with this one. Let's talk about abortion. Let's talk about child k**ing and see if we can't get some chuckles rippling through the room here. Let's talk about ma** murder of young, unborn children and see if we can't coalesce into one big healthy gut-laugh.
(Laughs)
Boy, I've never seen an issue so divisive. You ever see it, it's like a civil war, isn't it? Even amongst my friends, who are all very intelligent! They are totally divided on abortion! It's unbelievable! Some of my friends, for instance, think these pro-life people are annoying idiots. Other of my friends think these pro-life people are evil f**s. How are we going to come to a consensus? You ought to hear the arguments around my house; "they're annoying, they're idiots, they're evil, they're f**s!" Brothers, sisters, come together! Can't we once just join hands and think of them as evil annoying idiot f**s?
I beseech you, but that's me, Libra Rising, the scales! And, strangely enough, Shiva, The Destroyer (laughs). Who would have thunk it?
"We're pro-life." "Ooh, you look it! You look like you're filled with life." All the little kids: "Please don't adopt me, please don't adopt me, please don't adopt me!" "We're your new Christian pro-life parents!" "Oh, where's the tower, where's the gun? Where's the tower, where's the gun? I was adopted by pro-life Christians when I was a kid (gun noises). Does my penis make me a bad boy? That's what they told me (gun noises)!"
Please, give me the Satan-worshipping family down the block. The ones who have the good albums. Suddenly I'm adopted by the Flanders, you know? "Hi Bill, isn't it another beautiful God-created morning?" (weird noise).
"We're pro-life." It's like, well what does that make me? You know what I mean? You're so pro-life! You're so pro-life, do me a f**ing favor. Don't block med clinics, okay? Lock arms, and block cemeteries. Let's see how f**ing committed you are to this premise. "She can't come in." "She's ninety-six, she was hit by a bus!" "There's options!" "What, do we got to have her stuffed? What are you talking about, she's dead!" "We're pro-life, get her out of that casket! Get her out! She's not going, we're pro-life people. There'll be no d**h on this planet."
Pro-life... and I always say, see, my theory, here's my actual theory beyond, uh, the huge, hilarious jokes I have. Here's my real theory, though: if you're so pro-life and you're so pro-child, then adopt one that's already here that's very unwanted and very alone and needs someone to take care of it to get it out of a horrible situation, okay? People say, "well why don't you do that?" And I say because I hate f**ing kids and couldn't care less. Couldn't give a f**. Don't care at all about abortion. It's your choice. Case closed, the end, bottom line; and by the way, a three-month old kid in your belly is not a f**ing human being, okay? It's a bunch of little congregate of cells. You're not a human until you're in my phonebook (laughs).
There, my hat is now in the political ring.