[Cathy]
I could have a mansion on a hill,
I could lease a villa in Seville,
But it wouldn't be as nice as a summer in Ohio
With a gay midget named Karl playing Tevye and Porgy.
I could wander Paris after dark,
Take a carriage ride through Central Park,
But it wouldn't be as nice as a summer in Ohio
Where I'm sharing a room with a former stripper and her snake,
Wayne.
I could have a satchel full of dollar bills,
Cures for all the nation's ills,
Pills to make a lion purr,
I could be in line to be the British Queen,
Look like I was seventeen,
Still, I'm certain I'd prefer to be going slowly batty
Forty miles east of Cincinnati.
I could shove an ice pick in my eye,
I could eat some fish from last July,
But it wouldn't be as awful as a summer in Ohio
Without cable, hot water, Vietnamese food
Or you.
I saw your book at a Target in Kentucky
Under a sign that said, "New and Recommended."
I stole a look at your picture on the inside sleeve
And then I couldn't leave.
Richard, who was with me, got uncharacteristically quiet,
And he said, "All things considered, I guess you don't have to buy it."
So I smiled like Mona Lisa and I lay my Visa down.
He wants me, he wants me,
But he ain't gonna get me.
I've found my guiding light.
I tell the stars each night,
"Look at me,
Look at him,
Son of a b**h, I guess I'm doing something right!
I finally got something right!"
No, it's not Nirvana, but it's on the way.
I play Anita at the matinee.
Then I'll get on my knees and pray I can't state in my bio,
"I'm never gonna go back to Ohio"
I could chew on tinfoil for a spell,
I could get a root can*l in hell,
But it wouldn't be as swell as this summer is gonna be.
'Cuz the torture is just exquisite,
While I'm waiting for you to visit.
So hurry up, Shmuck.
Get unstuck and get on the scene!
Love,
The midget,
The stripper,
Wayne the snake
And Mrs. Jamie Wellerstein!
That's me!