Huey: (narrating) I am not a prophet, but sometimes I have prophetic dreams, like the one where I was at a garden party.
(People are talking amongst themselves and enjoying the scenery, as Huey approaches the micraphone)
Huey: Excuse me. Everyone, I have a brief announcement to make. Jesus was black, Ronald Reagan was the Devil, and the government is lying about 9/11. Thank you for your time and good night.
(The people suddenly erupt into a riot. Huey wakes up, and is immediately smacked by Granddad.)
Granddad: Mmm-hmm! You were havin' that dream where you made the white people riot, weren't you?
Huey: But I was telling the truth!
Granddad: How many times have I told you, you better not even dream about tellin' white folk the truth! You understand me? (walks away) Shoot! Makin' White people riot! You better learn how to lie like me! I'm gonna find me a white man and lie to him right now!
(Granddad is working out too the Tae-Bo commercial in the nude.)
Granddad: Sorry Billy Banks, but why buy the tape, when you could get the infomercial for free?
(He turns off the TV, then walks to kitchen to pour a gla** of orange juice, and finds none, not even a drop left.)
Granddad: What...the..hell...(pauses) BOYYYSSS!!!
Granddad: (wearing bath towel around his waist, holding empty orange juice carton) Would one of y'all like to explain this?!
Riley: (rubs his eyes, groans)Mmmm, you mean the orange juice or the mini-skirt?
Granddad: Y'all need to start appreciating your granddaddy. I went and spent your inheritance on this beautiful house in this neighborhood and all I ask you to do is act like you got some cla**!
Riley: (to Huey) Hey...what's "cla**"?
Huey: It means, "don't act like n***as."
Granddad: S-s-s-see? That's what I'm talkin' about right there! We don't use the "n-word" in this house!
Huey: Granddad, you said the word "n***a" 46 times yesterday. I counted!
Granddad: n***a, hush!
Granddad: There's a new White man out there! He's refined! For example, did you know the new white man loves gourmet cheese?
Huey: [disbelieving] I-I'm sorry...did you say cheese?
Granddad: That's right; cheese. You give the meanest White man a piece of cheese and he'll turn into Mister Rogers.
Huey: Granddad, that doesn't make any sense.
Granddad: Don't you talk back to me, boy!
Huey: Granddad, you can't tame the White Supremacist power structure with cheese!
Granddad: Oh yes I can.
Huey: No you can't!
Granddad: YES I CAN!
Huey: No, you CAN NOT!
Ed Wuncler: What's your position on Gay Marriage?
Granddad: Well, first of all, I believe all marriage is wrong!
Riley: I know about white people too. Like when [white people] talk they say the whooole woorrd likeee thisss.
Robert: Huey!
(The scene turns to the living room where Riley and Huey sit on the sofa while Robert stands in front of them holding Riley's BB gun.)
Robert: This damn thing looks real.
Riley: Can I have my gun back!?
(Robert accidentally shoots the gun at the table where the pellet ricochets off the surface and strikes Riley in the leg.)
Riley: Aaaaoohhhww! Son of a gah, gih, gah!
Granddad: (To Huey) The hell I can't! You're gonna go and you're not gonna embarra** me in front of my new neighbors or I'm gonna beat your a**.
Riley: Why can't we act like ourselves, huh? Why can't I be me? Are you ashamed of us or something?
Granddad: Very!
(In a flashback, a young Robert Freeman arrives late to a civil rights demonstration wearing a raincoat and hat.)
Robert: Aw man, I missed it! Was it bad? Did they do the thing with the fire hoses?
Protester: (angry and completely soaked) What do you think, chump?
Robert: Damn, what's eating you?
Protester: A God-damn German Shepherd. That's what's eating me! Where was you?
Robert: I-I had to go back to the apartment because I forgot my raincoat!
Protester: You went to-- you--this n***a went to get a mother(Beep)' raincoat!
Woman Protester: I can't believe you!
Robert: We've all been watching the same news! The police been doing this fire hose thing all week! I just a**umed we'd all wear our raincoats.
Protester: Damn it, Robert! Who the hell shows up to a march with a raincoat?
Robert: Bet you wish you had your raincoat now!
Protester #2: YOU SON OF A b*tch!!!
Robert: Remember what Dr. King says!
(The other protesters attack Robert)
(The Freemans have just arrived at the Wuncler Estate, where Uncle Ruckus is working as a valet)
Uncle Ruckus: (Rudely shouldering past Granddad) Outta the way, Kunta Kinte! (Warmly, to the white guest who pulled up behind the Freemans) Yes, sir. How can I help you?
Grandad: (indignantly) Excuse me?
(Uncle Ruckus looks at the Freemans)
Uncle Ruckus: Aw, Lord have mercy. (into his walkie-talkie) Security! Security! We have us a Code Black! A Code Black at the main gate!
Voice over the walkie-talkie: Ruckus, what the hell is a 'Code Black?'
Uncle Ruckus: (candidly) There's some hungry-lookin' n***as out at the front gate.
(Huey looks offended)
Grandad: (To Wuncler III) Uh, so I understand you just got back from Iraq?
Riley: For real? Yo, what's it like?
Wuncler III: What's it like?! What am I supposed to say to that? It was cool, there was b**hes. Okay they was b**hes but a lot of them had, ya know, they was cova'ed up in them curtains and stuff they be wearin'. But, I digress. It was WAR. It was war, basically. War, you know what that's like? Mother(Beeped) be like shooting (imitating a machine gun) Gah-geh-ga-ga-ge-gu-ga-gow! Bombs blowin' up. An' ya know, the sh** scared me. It scared the sh** outta me. Matter o' fact, I sh** on myself over a dozen times. And ran out of toilet paper after the second time. So you know what that meant, right? I had to use the thumb, man, it was kinda nasty. But ya know, the good thing about it was they stopped taking me out on patrol cause my name became "Stink Bomb," you know wha' I'm saying? They said I was giving away our position, because of the sh** smell. That was fine with me, know wha' I'm saying? They wanted to leave me back? And I was like, "Well (Beep) y'all. Y'all go ahead long, cause I don't need y'all anyway. I'm rich, b**h." (notices everyone is staring blankly at him) The f** y'all looking at?
Riley: (entering Ed's room and seeing his huge array of guns) Woah... are they... real?
Ed Wuncler III: Real? Put it dis' way, if I picked one up and, put it to yo face, pull de' trigger... will you be dead?
Riley: (Raises and aims a shotgun.) Are you sure that vest will stop this shotgun?
(Camera turns to Wuncler III who is wearing a bullet-proof vest.)
Wuncler III: Man I'm like de' terminator in dis' vest. (Drains an entire bottle of beer in one swig then belches loudly.) What, chu' don't believe me? Go ahead! Pull the trigger.
Riley: Now are you sure that-
Wuncler III: I said pull that trigger NOW!
Riley: You wanna play rough? Okay.
(Uncle Ruckus outside singing his song, 'Don't trust them new n***as over there'. Rich people clap after song while Riley tries to tell Robert off.)
Riley: Say hello to my little friend! (Pulls the trigger of the gun and is thrown against the door of the room due to the force of the blast.) Ungh!
Wuncler III: (Goes flying out the window.)Waaaaaaaaaahhhhhh! (Lands on the ground outside where the party is being held. All the rich people stand up to look at him and he sits up to look at them.) (Beep) ya'll lookin' at?
Priest: Well you should definitely see the pa**ion. It's a very important movie.
Huey: Couldn't see it, white Jesus.
Priest: Excuse me?
Huey: Come on man, It's supposed to be all historically accurate, and they STILL have a white man playing Jesus? That's some old bullsh**.
Uncle Ruckus: (singing badly) Don't trust them new n******gs over there! Leavin' their n******g essence in the air! Them happy, nappy-head n******gs, with their fingers on the trigger! Don't trust them new n******gs over there! Don't trust them big nostrils over yonder! They s** up so much air, it'll make you wonder! Don't trust them new n******gs, with they spiny little n******g fingers! Don't trust them
new n******gs over there!
Riley: (Walks up to Huey with his arm in a cast.) Ay, you think we in trouble?
Huey:You shot his grandson out the window, what chu' think? Shhh. I dunno, I didn't wanna move here but, I don't want grandad to lose his house. He worked his whole life to get here.
Riley: Man, I liked that house. Oh well, I shot a n***a'!(Starts laughing)
Ed Wuncler: In 30 years, that boy's going to become the President of the United States... and he'll still be a (Beeped) idiot.