HYACINTH
(spoken)If I'm ever to show my face in society again
I've got to find a new cause of my own and quickly. Come, come, any ideas?
ENTOURAGE
Daisy Greville has the old
Lady Sitwell has the blind
HYACINTH
And the fund for sailor's widows?
ENTOURAGE
That's the two of them combined
HYACINTH
Nightschool for the nervous?
ENTOURAGE
Lady Beach and Margaret Guest
HYACINTH
Crutches for the crippled?
ENTOURAGE
That was Elsie Ponds' bequest
HYACINTH
Wayward women?
ENTOURAGE
Daisy Greville
HYACINTH
Who's behind disfigured men?
ENTOURAGE
Daisy Greville
HYACINTH
And the deaf… don't tell me it's Greville yet again
Everyone's got something. Can't you see why I'm bereft?
I want to do some good, but what the devil's left?
ENTOURAGE
What the devil's left?
MONTY NAVARRO
(spoken)If I may, your Ladyship, one hears about such terrible poverty in Egypt these days…
HYACINTH
(spoken)Egypt. Land of the pharaohs and of Moses the Israelite. Home to the great pyramids and the sphinx
That's it! We'll populate an orphanage in Cairo
With foundlings from the reeds along the Nile
To watch a creature grow, to swaddle it and know
The joy of its pathetic little smile
ENTOURAGE
Its little smile
HYACINTH
The news will travel soon enough to London
ENTOURAGE
To London
HYACINTH
Our selflessness will meet with great acclaim
ENTOURAGE
Huzzah
HYACINTH
The sniping will be stilled
And the empire will be filled
With homes for ba*tard children in my name
All aboard the Luxor express to Cairo!
MONTY NAVARRO
(spoken)And off she went. What I failed to tell her was that a violent uprising against the empire was imminent, and no British citizen was considered safe, so you can imagine my surprise when Lady Hyacinth returned to London quite unharmed
HYACINTH
(spoken)Oh, where will my largesse be truly appreciated?
I need a place so low that hope itself has been abandoned
MONTY NAVARRO
(spoken)You've heard, of course, of the untouchables in India
HYACINTH
(spoken)India. Land of Hindus and m**ms, of tamarind and saffron. Exotic and unknowable
That's it! We'll find ourselves some lepers in the Punjab
The hopeless and the wretched and the cursed
Forgotten and unblessed
ENTOURAGE
Unblessed
HYACINTH
I'll take them to my breast
ENTOURAGE
Your breast
HYACINTH
If Daisy Greville doesn't get there first
When we arrive, they'll hobble out to greet us
ENTOURAGE
Hello there
HYACINTH
Their toothless grins would melt a heart of stone
ENTOURAGE
Ahhh
HYACINTH
And every dilettante
Will envy me and want
A colony of lepers of her own
Now not a word to even your mothers til we leave although
Come to think of it, what is the point of helping others unless you let the whole world know?
Call the Times of London!
MONTY NAVARRO
(spoken)And off she went
I neglected to mention the malaria pandemic in the Punjab, a bit of insurance in case leprosy itself failed to prove contagious
So you can imagine my shock when Lady Hyacinth returned to London in record time, quite the picture of health
I don't suppose you'd be willing to penetrate the jungle of deepest, darkest Africa…
HYACINTH
(spoken)Africa. From Zululand to Yoruba, home of proud warriors, their naked torsos rippling in the firelight
We'll civilize a village in the jungle
ENTOURAGE
The Jungle
HYACINTH
It can't take long to learn their mother tongue
ENTOURAGE
Not long then
HYACINTH
The words they have are six
And five of them are clicks
ENTOURAGE
*click*
HYACINTH
And all of them are different words for dung
And can't you see their frightful painted faces
ENTOURAGE
Their faces
HYACINTH
They'll teach us how to swing from vine to vine
ENTOURAGE
From vine to vine to vine
HYACINTH
It's Daisy Greville's loss
She'll never come across
A tribe of backward natives worse than mine
The Hottontots and Pygmies may apall us..
But even they are part of God's design
ENTOURAGE
Ahhh
HYACINTH
We bid you all goodbye
ENTOURAGE
Goodbye
HYACINTH
Let all of London try
To find a tribe of natives worse than mine
Charity toward others is divine
ENTOURAGE
Divine, divine, divine, divine, charity is divine