------------------ Round 1 - Seaba** ------------------
Me and this guy have had beef like stroganoff
Last time he said he's the only one who can beat himself
Sounds like you've been strokin off
But for real, beef like this is rare
That's why i'm only a little heated
And since it's your birthday I might let you win
You look like you really need it
Speaking of looks, let's just get this out of the way
I know you want me to mention your condition
Say something like:
"my superior force caused half of his face to yield into submission"
Or something stupid like "two cheese is two faced"
And then you'll tie it in to your rebu*tal like
"I'm not tripping like a shoelace"
So nah, nah I'm standing here in reverence
So I tossed out my Harvey Dent line that was too obvious reference
I thought about it and said no, jokes like those I'll knock it off
Because words like those can hurt and you can't just comp it off
So I'll just stick to the facts, I got more bars than second street
This is our 3rd battle our last was our 2nd meet
The order I eat my food in is first salad, second meat
After that is dessert, I put a cherry on top
You're getting kind of up there don't carry on, stop
You're more outdated than aol
And after our last battle most ppl would say “oh well”
You've peaked, it's hard to grow when you're 6'4
Your ego is bruised I can tell that it's sore
I mean, the only thing thinner than your body is your hairline
You wrote your raps for months I wrote mine in my spare time
*but I did write you a song, it goes:
Twinkle twinkle little star
You look like Mr. Hinkle, after too many drinks at the bar
You're too tispy to stand straight
You talk all this sh** about wine at work
Come home and eat some canned grapes
This battles been too much of a damn wait
But tonight is the planned date
And you're the one paying for it
Shout out to all the people here for staying for it
When this is all over I'll go home, have breakfast in bed
Flapjacks in my napsack
You'll wake up and your loss is still there
Like sh**, that was not a snapchat
------------------ Round 1 - 2-Chz ------------------
Before we get started, I think you're retarded
We'll be all up in da club, "Yo, where's Seaba**?"
Still in line getting carded
Think you're the best? You're dreaming
I'm 'bout to put that idea to rest
While I'm sleeping
Hug your bear, say a prayer, close your eyes, no peeping
Cause it's time for you to retire
No really, you should just retire
I rock it til the wheels fall off, time for me to re-tire
I wrote these lines inspired
No, really, I wrote these lines in Spires
I had a side of onion rings, I'm like:
You're just tinder for my super hot fire
That's forshadowing
For now I'll just sip on tawny, 10yr
I'll school you forever, that could be my tenure
I don't buy your ideas, they ain't legal tender
If you had a girl, I tend to her
Give her the tender loving care that was meant for her
You see... I was meant for hair
You should dread me, I'm about to lay it down
Like Caesar I'm bald, my crew has the crown
You didn't make the cut, I got this on Locke, so
Let me give you some guidelines on how to take it off the top
Your girl was dying to comb over. She wanted to bang
She had been on the fringe since graduation
And she wanted to catch a fade
We burned a bowl and got buzzed, She was high and tight
I taper when I layer, that part was the highlight
This guy is going to make fun of my face, talk sh** on my car
That was 24 cosmological references in 16 bars
And now... A word from our sponsor:
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Aged , blended, complex, intense, and smells of wonderful things. When I'm not drinking Martin Ray
Im drinking remy Martin 1738
Mmmmmm, this stuff is great
Special shout out to the homie, Blake
------------------ Round 2- Seaba** ------------------
I heard everything you just said
And you don't have any comebacks
But im gonna cut you some slack
Because you're just some slack
Wearing a nice shirt and some slacks
[bags under your eyes look like slum sacks]
Battling someone sharper than a thumb tack
I think it's dumb that
You even beat skyler
I'm not sure how you actually won that
You couldn't beat me if I was black and you were police
So please, time to give up and get down on yo knees
Ill bout to make him gag like when I drink a guiness stout
Theres no way in the world you can win this bout
I beat you at work now I'm bout to beat you in this house
Which, by the way, it's really quite nice
But I brought the heat you can't handle, that is not the right spice
I got him scared, he's like a little kid without his night light
He's shaking, he's like the camera man from the blair witch project
I know you're a busy guy so why don't you share which project
Kept you from preparing this time, was it more long work days?
Man I'm sorry for your loss, I know it must have been one of your worst days
But that's just how it is when you choose to battle seaba**
And come at me with punchlines that are just a bunch of cheap laughs
Ill hit you in the face, Ill hit you in the kneecaps
Your best punchlines get a chuckle or a short laugh
Mine leave you roasted and salty like some pork fat
You dum twat, idk what you dun thought
Ill leave him layed out on the floor in some spot
He'll get fired on by me and my coffee cup, that's a mug shot
Right here is a picture of that coffee cup, that's it's mug shot
Right after that is a picture of the bullet it fired, that's a mug shot of what my mug shot
Now I was printing out something else, and f**ed up and accidentally printed a picture of a cumquat
But if you really think about it, that's some food for some thought/thot
You can keep those they're covered in my dogs pug snot
And sorry about the cum spots
------------------ Round 2 - 2-Chz ------------------
Let's make some noise!!
Why'd you go to south-east Asia on vacation?
For the ladyboys!
I said, what?! Uhhh... For the ladies, boy!
This guy is high maybe living pipe dreams
Maybe he imagined a magical place where a man could just walk up and feel-a- peeens
He drank a bottle of highland
Woke up with a s** change in Thailand
Bleached tips, implanted tits
New bu*t lips for a new smile
Ya, looks like he spent the whole time just watching 8-mile
For those who didn't know
He started rapping cause he heard that one day he could have
"Heavy flow"
Tampons in the bathroom
Bottom drawer
Replaced his tighty whities for panties
Ask him where he wants to do tonight he's like
"I want to feel trannies"
I said "What?! SeaBa** that's twice!"
He says "Nah Dawg, Nah Dawg"
Phil Trannies the restaurant, I hear that place is nice
So I had to address this
He's dressing in dresses
Redresses, regresses
He cries and regrets this
Look, he's mad now, he's furious
He wants to know if I can leave
He's bi curious!
So much to make fun of I had to right a checklist
Look! He even turned a rap battle coin into a necklace
Here's some fast and furious action
My wheels spinning so fast it's hard to catch traction
Like my heart beating, the art of beating, an involuntary action
You see, I don't need a reaction because I'm beside myself
I'm a hit, you're a b-side , besides, you can be sided with him when you decide, this guy he already tried and this is his re-try
Now that 1st round is a distant memory
I have to wake up and erase it every morning
Like it's my search history
This sh**s tough, life is hard. Sounds like You're having a bad experience, here's a $50 gift card
You lost your groove, like a nightmare on wax
2-Chz more like 2 trains here to stop you in your tracks
------------------ Round 3 - SeaBa** ------------------
The more you rap you look dum and dumber
Thats a seaba** pun
Anyone watching the last battles will say that seaba** won
You're about to drop dead like a bee that's stung
And the victor against me you could never be that one
Kevin you're in your thirties but after this you'll be eight-y six
The thought of me, makes his stomach hurt...like a bunch of baby kicks
Speaking of numbers, good job on the sponsor, he got us 1738
Without a few shots of this he's more awkward than a nerdy date
SPEAKING of numbers, happy birthday you're 34
I would mop the ground with your face
And it would still be a dirty floor
Instead i'm pourin up, I've got a bottle of veuve cliquot
And your style reminds me of a little river
You have a weak flow
I've taken your coin, your title, everything
Except your position as manager
But between the two of us you're the amateur
I'm the damager you're the damaged, like a ups package
I think you're lost you need an atlas
You can't handle this all at once better grab a bussing tray
You can't handle my...nahh I was about to say something gay
Lyrics so cold like an I-cee bath, if you really pay attention you might-see that
I, seaba** might not win...
No that last statement, I retract
Cuz honestly, your best insults don't even bother me
You eat good at work and then you grocery shop at dollar tree
You're called two cheese because you couldn't afford the third one
Everything i've heard you say is just absurd son
Look at you, I see him all the time at work with his jacket, shir,t tie
Call him jacket shirt tie man
I was just in the philippines but I am not a thai man
Next summer I will go to Thailand
Next time you order a bowl of soup
I hope inside the bowl is where a fly land
I meant that too, because no joke, i've been serious this whole time
I brought no jokes
Because if I did unlike your hair they'd just go over your head
You slowpoke
[do a slow poke]
That was a slowpoke
You're like an amaratto co*ktail all white and no yolk
Now I knew you wouldn't bring any gun bars
Last gun was on his phone, it was an emoji
And he's too emotional to be a gangster he's be an emo G
And I already had pizza for lunch today but the way i'm cooking him up I guess I could eat mo cheese
Sorry, that was more forced than a confession booth with a glory hole
And I know my rhymes are gmo, I got that corny flow
Yea I said my rhymes are corny like G M O
He's stuck in his position, will he ever be the GM NO
Two cheese, you should count the blessings when you sneeze
This is gonna end just like last time can I finally battle someone new please
------------------ Round 3 - 2-Chz ------------------
After the last round I wanted to change my name to 2-Trains
But after this battle I'm going to have 2 Chains
It's been s few months, I hate being single
Now I got another dick that comes too early
I call them both Mr hinckle
I congregate at the bar on Sunday
I call that Christian mingle
I got love on site... I got love on sites. don't hate
I told my single friend, I was lovestruck, so we got coffee and bagels on a j-date. We were in harmony and I was going to grinder, cause I thought I met my match. I told myself, ok Cupid, you have chemistry But there's plenty of fish to catch
My Facebook gotta new look, My Twitter got big plans
I'll spend some face time with your sister
Turn your mamma an instagrams
Know how I'll Telegrams? tellagrams
Think I've clowned him now, just wait. You think my lines are fine and want more cheese, just grate
Because Cheese, you know, I grate that
Poorly folded napkins hate that...
Used to kick you out, now I say "that's a great hat"
Shoes so fly, on that wing tip
Said some sh**, I was high, I don't mean it
Here, give this a try
My mom makes a mean dip
The thoughts my mind thinks are Methodical
You See ba** I have an ocean of jokes but they're just nautical
Sea at this level the ocean is below me
So you can blow me
I'm broke as hell and you're still an easy target
Put 1.50 in my tank, we'll see how far my car get
My house, that's where your mom goes
She likes it rough, smack her like bongos
Watch out for that corner guys
That's where my bong goes
I hate talking ill of you
For reals, it pains me
I hate making fun of you mom
Cause she's really a nice lady
Down yo girl til deez hurt
Down so low her knees hurt
I'll buy her a dessert
One she don't deserve
I've had my Head shattered, intensive bleeding, arm dangled
Compound fracture, my heart stopped beating, I sprained ankle
You haven't lived til you've died
You need to know your place
I can beat you with one hand tied
I can beat you with half my face
Happy Birthday to DJFoulmouth, it feels like the club
Pumping out more bangers than a chef at an Irish pub
These s**y girls dancing, got my mind in the gutter, happy November, it's the season, let's make some truffle bu*ter
Alright, one more dis and let's get this party popping!
Hey Steig. Know why he works at the pizzaria?
To me around men who like topping!
- Fin -