Akiva Schaffer - Natalie's Rap lyrics

[Chris Parnell] We're sitting here today with film star Natalie Portman [Natalie Portman] Hello [Chris] So Natalie, tell us what a day in the life of Natalie Portman is like? [Natalie] Do you really want to know? [Chris] Please, tell us [Verse 1 - Natalie] I don't sleep motherf**er off that 'gnac and the durban Doin 120 gettin head while I'm swervin' (Damn Natalie, you a crazy chick) Yo, shut the f** up and s** my dick! I bust in dudes' mouths like Gushers motherf**er Pull up to NBC and smack the sh** outta Jeff Zucker What you want Natalie? (To drink and fight!) What you need Natalie? (To f** all night!) Don't test me when I'm crazy off that airplane glue Put my foot down your throat til your sh**'s in my shoe Leave you screamin', pay for my dry-cleanin' f** your man, it's my name that he's screamin'! [Chris] I'm sorry Natalie, are we to believe that you condone driving while intoxicated? [Natalie] I never said that I was a role model [Chris] But, what about the kids that look up to you? Do you have a message for them? [Verse 2 - Natalie] All the kids lookin up to me can s** my dick It's Portman motherf**er, drink til I'm sick Slit your throat and pour nitrous down the hole Watch you laugh and cry; while I laugh, you die And to all the dudes, you know I'm talkin' to you (We love you Natalie!) I wanna f** you too! (P!) Is for Portman! (P!) It's for p**y! I'll k** your f**in' dog for fun, so don't push me! [Chris] Well Natalie, I'm surprised, all this coming from a Harvard graduate? [Natalie] Well, there's a lot you may not know about me [Chris] Really, such as? [Verse 3 - Natalie] When I was in Harvard I smoked weed everyday I cheated every test and snorted all the yay I gotta def posse, you gotta a bunch of dudes I'll sit right down on your face and take a sh**! [Verse 4 - The Lonely Island (Andy Samberg)] Natalie, you are a bad a** b**h (Hell yeah!) And I'll always pay for your dry-cleanin when my sh** gets in your shoe (What!) And as for the drug use, well I can vouch for that My dick is scared of you, guuurlll [Chris] Natalie, one final question: if you could steal a smooch from any guy in Hollywood who would it- [Chair slam] [Natalie] No more questions [Outro beat] [Natalie] What!