Absolutely Fabulous - Fat (Transcript) lyrics

TITLE SEQUENCE INT. EDINA'S HOLLAND PARK RESIDENCE - BEDROOM EDINA: Yes, yes, yes, yes. It'll be alright with a bit of j**ellery. Oh God, this is stupid. No, no, no, no! I've never been this heavy. There's not enough room on my bones for that sort of weight. Toilet flushes. EDINA (CONT'D): No, no, no, no. Those are real gold, they must weigh more than that. God! INT. EDINA'S HOLLAND PARK RESIDENCE -- KITCHEN Edina comes down the stairs chanting gibberish. SAFFY: Oh dear! EDINA: Morning, sweetie. I'm only going to wear orange from now on. Religious purposes. SAFFY: You've been getting dressed for three hours and still look like a bloated citrus fruit. EDINA: Sweetie, it's a very healing colour, a very positive colour. I'm getting rid of all my other clothes. SAFFY: Is that really the best you could come up with? EDINA: Oh God! Well, only this and the dreaded kaftan fitted. Well, I say fitted. It was filled to capacity. I mean, all my clothes have got stretchmarks, darling. Honestly, you wouldn't believe how much I weigh. SAFFY: I would. EDINA: I know I don't look hugely overweight SAFFY: You do. EDINA: But what I saw in the mirror shocked me. Barbara Bush with no clothes on. I don't believe it. SAFFY: Who did you expect? EDINA: Marisa Berenson, of course. SAFFY: Who? EDINA: I have only ever seen Marisa Berenson. Sometimes Cher. Pre-knife. SAFFY: Do you want a cup of tea? EDINA: No, coffee, black. I shouldn't drink milk. Oh God, why am I so fat? SAFFY: You're not so fat. EDINA: I am! Why? SAFFY: Well to start, you eat too much, drink too much and take no exercise. EDINA: Darling, darling, please. It's far more likely to be an allergy to something, isn't it? You know, buildup of toxins, or something, or a hormone imbalance, isn't it? Hmm? And also, sweetie, I've got a very heavy aura. Do you know that? That's why animals love me, darling. SAFFY: They just see you as something to hibernate in. I take it you want a chocolate croissant? EDINA: "Pain au chocolat" we call it in this house, and no thanks, I won't I'll just nibble a corner of yours. There's only one thing to be done. (Edina dials the phone) It's just the chocolate I have to avoid in those. I'm alright with the pastry. Can I speak to Dr Jackson. It's Edina. SAFFY: Mum! EDINA: Philip, darling! It's Eddy. Look, can I have a few more of those pills I had last time? I want to lose a stone. Two weeks. But it must be years since I had them last, isn't it? But they were just palpitations, for God's sake! Are you telling me I can't have them? What's the point of having a private doctor if he won't do what you want? Listen! Please! I want them to k** me! Philip? Can you believe he's not going to give them to me! SAFFY: Good. You can't just take lots of speed to lose weight. EDINA: You can, darling. He treats royalty, believe me. Anyway, who wouldn't suffer a minor coronary for that degree of weight loss. SAFFY: Mum, all you have to do is eat less and take a bit of exercise. EDINA: Sweetie, if it was that easy everyone would be doing it. Anyway, I don't know what you mean. I do take exercise! SAFFY: You get out of bed, it ends there. EDINA: I know what I'll do, I'll wait 'til Patsy gets here and phone her doctor. He'll do anything. Otherwise I'll go to the Chinese clinic. SAFFY: Oh here we go! EDINA: Sweetie, it's not what I eat or how much I eat, it's those things in here. This fridge is filled with crap. Just filled with crap. Look at this! I should only be eating organic food, food with the dirt still on it, darling. Throw out all the food in this fridge. It's revolting. I should JUST be eating green and white holistic food, shouldn't I, sweetie? I shouldn't be eating... Oh that's still got some in it. I shouldn't be eating all this, should I, darling? Anyway, first I'm going to go on a fast. It's not the sort of fast you're thinking of. It's a special fast. SAFFY: Sort of an "eating a lot" sort of fast? EDINA: Just try and help me. SAFFY: What can I say? EDINA: Darling, just try to be a little less Western in your thinking, if you can. You realise, of course, that in Zen terms everything in the universe is just molecules, don't you? Ying and Yong, Ping and Pong. Hmm? You know that, darling? Those are my molecules, those are your little clump of molecules over there. I mean in real terms, there's no difference between me and the coffee, me and the the table, me and a tree or me and Madonna, for God's sake! SAFFY: Except you have a fatter bottom. EDINA: Shut up! SAFFY: What do you want me to say? It doesn't matter to me that you haven't seen your navel in 25 years, or that you can wear your stomach as a kilt. Just tell me you're happy. EDINA: How can I be happy with this great bulk hanging off the skeleton? I can't SAFFY: Alright, do something about it, but do something sensible. EDINA: Can you not use that word in this house, please? SAFFY: You're not ill, you don't have a disease EDINA: As far as I know. SAFFY: You're not menopausal. EDINA: No, I'm still very much menstrual, thank you! SAFFY: You've been tested for everything under the sun, so you're not allergic. EDINA: Wrong, jellyfish! SAFFY: There's more of your blood in test:tubes than in your veins. You've tried every fad-drug and fad-diet that's ever existed. More money's gone into your quest for "Twiggyness" than goes in aid to most Third World nations and somehow, Mum, somehow, you're still two stone overweight. EDINA: One stone! SAFFY: Mum! EDINA: Well, for my height. SAFFY: How tall are you? EDINA: Six foot. PATSY: Morning, Eddy. EDINA: Just stand there, Pats I'm going to lift my shirt. I want an honest opinion. PATSY: Surgery. Liposuction on the stomach and hips, bum lift, tit lift, lose a rib. This is Georgy. Say hello, Georgy. GEORGY: Hi. PATSY: Shall we have some coffee? Georgy? GEORGY:I don't know I'd better not, I've got to be at the gym in a few minutes, but thanks anyway, ladies. PATSY: Girls, Georgy, we're girls. GEORGY: Goodbye, then. PATSY: Don't pump too much iron at that gym of yours, sweetie. GEORGY: I'll see you later. PATSY: What do you think? EDINA: He's nice of a type, Pats. SAFFY: A toilet-trained gorilla. PATSY: Nobody asked you. SAFFY: You have nothing in common. You can't have anything to talk about. EDINA: She doesn't want someone to talk to. PATSY: I've got you to talk to. EDINA: Exactly. No one blinks an eye if an older man goes out with a young girl bimbo, do they? What's really sick Listen, Patsy. What's really sick, is when a non:bimbo girl goes out with a really old man. SAFFY: Mum, what is this world you live in? What does "bimbo" and "non:bimbo" mean? EDINA: The real world, darling. PATSY: Remember when I went out with Ferruzi? This man was 55 years old, for God's sake. The only thing that got him up in the night was his bladder. Did you get it, Ed? Did you get it? The only thing he got up for was to have a slash. Remind me not to tell that one again when I'm sober. SAFFY: Sober? Chance would be a fine thing. PATSY: Right, Eddy. So, body crisis? Yes. EDINA: Are you sure about surgery? PATSY: It's a viable option nowadays. Everyone's doing it. EDINA: My face? PATSY: It's up to you. EDINA: Euch! I am a little "Germaine Greer-ish", aren't I? SAFFY: I think she's great. EDINA: She was once cool, but Mr. Gravity's been very unkind to that woman. PATSY: So, face? Yes. SAFFY: No! EDINA: Darling, look at those wrinkles. SAFFY: That's age, that's what happens. EDINA: Sweetie, this is premature ageing. Therefore I can legitimately have it corrected. SAFFY: You look fine. EDINA: I could look better, sweetie. PATSY: Time and money is all it takes, Ed. EDINA: You have to be scientific about it. PATSY: Right. Have a quick flick through those and find someone you want to look like. EDINA: Right. SAFFY: That'll be Dad. EDINA: Oh what's he doing here? SAFFY: He's come to see me. Saffy goes up the kitchen stairs toward the ground floor. EDINA: Oh. You're right, I do need a bit of inspiration. I could go out and buy a lot of clothes two sizes too small, but I've done that before. What's the recovery time on liposuction? PATSY: Hours. JUSTIN: Hello, there. EDINA: Justin! Sweetheart! I wasn't informed you were coming. JUSTIN: I thought you'd be at work. I've come to see my daughter. EDINA: She's my daughter, too, you know! I'll never be able to forget that! Oliver's not with you, I hope. SAFFY: Stop it, Mum! EDINA: Sweetie! We are your parents having a civilised conversation. bu*t out! How are things with Oliver? JUSTIN: Very good, actually. EDINA: Oh good. I'm so glad, I'm very pleased! PATSY: Steady, Eddy. SAFFY: How you could have chosen to live with an evil, vicious, pot-bellied, ugly dwarf is beyond me! JUSTIN: Your mother and I were happy for a time, you know. EDINA: God! You turn up here without so much as a present for me. SAFFY: No, Dad, not this time! EDINA: You sit there in your antiques shop and not so much as a present or a thought for me, : who's here bringing up your daughter. JUSTIN: OK, OK. In the shop there's this little Indian turban box. Silver:inlaid top with beautiful handpainted scenes around the sides. : A thousand pounds. EDINA: Oh darling! Thank you! JUSTIN: Ah! Table, 18th century, walnut, turned legs, Iovely in the dining room, darling. PATSY: Thank you, Justin. JUSTIN: OK. PATSY: Come on, Ed. The car's here, let's go. SAFFY: Stop compensating her. It's been 10 years. EDINA: Bye, darling. PATSY: Driving in? EDINA: What do you think I should do? Fly? PATSY: That's not a bad idea. SAFFY: I just find it strange. I can't understand how someone who's been into everything for the past 20 years, not one trend has pa**ed her by, yet she has conveniently dodged ever having to take any exercise. That fad was missed by a mile. EDINA: Stop showing off to your father like this! Can I just explain about that for a second, darling? Help me here, Justin. In the '60s, we were too stoned to jog. PATSY: In the '70s, we had platform shoes. EDINA: That high. And in the '80s, darling What happened in the '80s? JUSTIN: Brain cells destroyed in the '60s. She can't remember. The Age of the Punk. EDINA: Yes, punk, darling. We were too busy putting pins through our noses SAFFY: But you were too old to be a punk, weren't you? EDINA: Darling, I was a punk. SAFFY: I know. PATSY: Oh! Don't let her torture you. She ruined your figure. She's the one who turned you into this potato that we see before us. JUSTIN: Now, now, now! That's unfair. I liked you when you were heavier. You were more cuddly. EDINA: I'm going to throw up. JUSTIN: I mean tough really tough. PATSY: Let's go. EDINA: We'll go on public transport, Pats PATSY: Are you mad? I've got nothing to wear on public transport. EDINA: I won't have my daughter think she's so great because she can use public transport, Anybody can use public transport, darling! SAFFY: I know. That's the point. EDINA: Come on, Pats I'll go and get that map thing I always use. You know, the A to Street Map thing:book. Come on! EXT. EDINA'S PR OFFICE EDINA: On account.I mean, it's public and it's transport, Of course it is. You don't have to travel on rat-infested sewer trains to be using public transport, PATSY: That would be ridiculous. EDINA: Do you think I can get a heli pad in here? Wide enough? PATSY: You'd have to move the pots. EDINA: Bubble, I'm coming into the office. Move the pots from outside. Right. INT. EDINA'S PR OFFICE EDINA (CONT'D): Right, I'm here, I'm here. Don't panic. Don't panic. Is everything under control? BUBBLE: Yes, everything is perfectly under control. EDINA: Good. I'm sorry I'm so late. I had to do a spot of clothes shopping along the way. Now is there anything I should look at? BUBBLE: Yes, a few of them whatchacallems have come through. EDINA: What? BUBBLE: Paper comes out. EDINA: What paper? BUBBLE: Very important, urgent paper. EDINA: What? Tell me, tell me. BUBBLE: The paper from the answering machine. EDINA: Fax? BUBBLE: Messages, letters, the lot. It comes and it comes. Anyway, them. I've managed to get a couple of them down. I copied them onto my pad. EDINA: Let's have a look. We are being saved by English Heritage. What does that mean? BUBBLE: Where? EDINA: Here, "saved". BUBBLE: No, "sued". EDINA: Only four letters out, that's alright. Why are we being sued? BUBBLE: On that last fashion shoot someone moved a couple of rocks. PATSY: Moved a couple of old rocks? My God. EDINA: Stonehenge, Pats PATSY: Anyway So? They should be glad for the publicity. EDINA: Exactly. Send that one to my lawyers. Now "Penny called from LA". Penny who? BUBBLE: It'll come to me. It's only urgent-ish. She's coming over in a week or two. She wanted to talk about a shop. Yes. She wanted to sell you some things. EDINA: My shop. I'm opening a shop, remember, Bubble? BUBBLE: Ah. EDINA: Mm. I'm opening a shop, Pats. PATSY: What are you going to sell? EDINA: Just gorgeous things. PATSY: Lovely. EDINA: Gorgeous, tasteful, little gorgeous things. PATSY: Expensive. EDINA: Obviously, yes. There'll be presently Anoushka Hempely sorts of things, Chocolates, Garden implements, that sort of thing. I can't find anyone I want to look like. Oh! Oh she's not bad. Who's that? PATSY: Ivana Trump. EDINA: She's good, isn't she? BUBBLE: Do you think so? Looks like a cla**ic bimbo to me. All that terrible blonde hair on top of her head. False tan. She's far too thin. Always pouting. Absolutely no character. The skirt's too short. It's pathetic with older women struggling to look 25. Sorry. PATSY: I think she's tremendous. EDINA: You're very thin, aren't you, Bubble? PATSY: She's emaciated, like her brain! I know, it's awful I can eat as much as I like and I just don't get fatter. BUBBLE: I cannot put on weight. EDINA: How terrible. BUBBLE: I know. I wish I was more curvy. I wish I had breasts like yours. EDINA: No, you don't. BUBBLE: Yes, I do. EDINA: No, you don't. BUBBLE: I do! Great, big, large, pendulous breasts. I'd like to fill a bra. EDINA: No, you wouldn't Just stop saying you do. You don't know what it feels like. You think that just because you feel better with a couple of oranges stuffed down your cups that you know what it feels like. Well, you don't It's hell. BUBBLE: I don't have to wear a bra.I just stuff the oranges down my vest. EDINA: Listen, you little bookmark. You know I only employ you because you make me look better, don't you? BUBBLE: I've remembered what she's called. Penny Caspar-Morse! Edina collapses onto the ground. INT. EDINA'S HOLLAND PARK HOME -- BEDROOM EDINA: Penny Caspar is coming and I'm fat! Penny's coming and I'm fat. BUBBLE: Who is Penny Caspar? INT. POSH FASHION SHOW PARTY -- FLASHBACK PENNY: Who's that? Pat Ast? There's the girl who gives the word "hippie" a new meaning. Move over, Mama Ca**! Move out of the way, sweetie. You're blocking my light. Is it an eclipse? No, Edwina's in the room. We can cancel Woodstock. They can play on Edwina's behind. INT. EDINA'S HOLLAND PARK RESIDENCE -- BEDROOM Edina begins to run in her sleep. SAFFY: What's she doing? What pills did you give her? PATSY: Some tranquilisers. Don't question me. JUSTIN: I think she's sleep-jogging. She did this for three weeks before we got married. She was anxious about her weight. She wanted to get married in hot pants. BUBBLE: Did she? JUSTIN: No, knickerbockers. PATSY: Poor old fat old thing. Look at her, like a beached whale in designer sheets. It can't have been easy for her growing up in our generation. The era of "The Shrimp" and "The Twig". Penny Caspar was "The Stick".What hope did she have? BUBBLE: What did they call her? PATSY: Eddy was called "The Shredder" because she ate huge amounts of tissues. JUSTIN: Whole toilet rolls. SAFFY: This is pathetic! I mean, she's not even fat. BUBBLE: And I'm Dolly Parton. PATSY: You're right, she's desperately unhappy. We've got to help her. I'm going to do something. I won't let her down. I'm going to get her thin so she can face Penny Caspar with some dignity! Damn it! I mean, she means a lot to all of us.Well, she's been a damn good friend to me. We've got to help her. She's got no willpower, she's helpless. We been through a lot together and I'm going to be there for her. Wake up, Eddy. Wake up, damn you! It will be alright, you will damn well be thin. You will damn well be damn thin! Patsy reads the label on the tranquiliser pills. PATSY (CONT'D): Oh God! Eddy, don't sleep. We may have to pump her out again. Everyone grimaces. INT. EDINA'S HOLLAND PARK HOME -- BATHROOM GEORGY: OK, let's start with those abdominals and see if we can get that stomach flat. PATSY: Tomboyish. Go for it, Eddy. GEORGY: Let's start with 10. GEORGY (CONT'D): I'll do them as well, yeah? Yeah come on down. I don't want to see a big movement, just enough to get your head and shoulders off the mat. PATSY: Go for it. GEORGY: OK, here we go. One. Edina's body barely budges as though she aims to do a sit-up. GEORGY (CONT'D): And one. Feel those muscles pull in. Show me that again. The OK. Now, just scrunch up like that. Just try and get your head and shoulders off the mat. EDINA: No. GEORGY: Your head? EDINA: I can move my eyes. PATSY: Well done, sweetie. GEORGY: Good, that's good. Yeah it's a muscle. EDINA: I feel it here. EXT. EDINA'S HOLLAND PARK RESIDENCE 0Edina places Sony Walkman headphones into her ears and stumbles down the street, half jogging, half wobbling. INT. EDINA'S HOLLAND RESIDENCE -- KITCHEN EDINA: Oh oh, oh. Sweetie! SAFFY: How far did you get? EDINA: I went around SAFFY: You did a circuit? Edina nods, breathing hard, and points at the ceiling. MOTHER: Round the living room, dear? EDINA: No, no, no! I went across Mead Road, round Elgin Place, around the crescent, across the traffic lights, then back. SAFFY: The end of the road and back? EDINA: Yes, yes, yes! SAFFY: Now long have you got left? EDINA: Four days, darling. MOTHER: You shouldn't eat so much, little piggy. EDINA: I am not eating anything! I'm living on air and mung beans. MOTHER: You've got your grandmother's hips. EDINA: Thanks to you. Thanks for all the chips and lard and potatoes and white bread and suet pudding covered in treacle I had to eat as a child. You know, the endless cups of sugary tea, Mr Whippy. Biscuits and chips and meat fried in six inches of animal fat. Thanks to that! MOTHER: Before we had the deep freeze. EDINA: God, even then it was the same food, only colder. And do you know, darling, the real problems started, sweetie, because I wasn't even breast-fed. MOTHER: Don't be ridiculous, dear. It wasn't done in those days, Imagine me having that clamped to my breast. EDINA: Mmm I want better for you, darling. I don't want you ending up like me with all my complicated, but still rather marvellous hang-ups. SAFFY: I don't want that. EDINA: At least you were breast-fed. SAFFY: Was I? By whom? You told me that your milk dried up, your tubes blocked and nipples dropped off. EDINA: They did, they did! SAFFY: So who was I breast-fed by? Not one of the many saggy:titted hippies who lived with us at the time, I hope. EDINA: Darling, it was a commune. That was the point. Anyway, sweetie, they gave you a good start in life, didn't they? I mean, you're alright, aren't you? Sweetie, you're alright, aren't you? SAFFY: How many? Which ones? EDINA: It doesn't matter, they've all died of overdoses since. Anyway Anyway, sweetie, can I just say that at least you're not fat like me. What you two don't seem to realise is that inside of me, inside of me, there's a thin person just screaming to get out. MOTHER: Just the one, dear? INT. EDINA'S PR OFFICE EDINA: Pull, pull! PATSY: OK, that's it. There, that's as far as they'll go. EDINA: Push me up. Push, push BUBBLE: Leggings? PATSY: No, slacks. EDINA: Oh dear! I mean, honestly! What am I going to do? PATSY: How comfortable are you? EDINA: On a scale of what? PATSY: Well, childbirth? A 12:pound baby, no anaesthetic and forceps. EDINA: I could live with it, I could live with it. What do they look like? PATSY: A zeppelin in a condom, darling. We'll have to think of something else. BUBBLE: You could get your jaw wired up. EDINA: No, I've done that. It lasted two hours. My will to speak was too strong. We're still alright. PATSY: We can go down to the clinic and have lipo as a last resort. Let's just be sensible about this. EDINA: If Penny gets here on Tuesday. BUBBLE: Tomorrow. EDINA: I can lose a few pounds by tuesday. BUBBLE: Tomorrow. EDINA: What? BUBBLE: Tomorrow. Evening. EDINA: Why are you saying that? BUBBLE: Because it's true. She rang. Edina begins to gasp and hyperventilate. EDINA: Oh no, no, no! PATSY: I'm phoning the clinic. Emergency liposuction, please. I'll book you in for collagen lips at the same time. I want you to find out how painful it is. INT. PLASTIC SURGEON'S OFFICE -- OPERATING TABLE PLASTIC SURGEON: How small do you want to be? EDINA: This small. PLASTIC SURGEON: Oh no! Oh no! Not the kidneys! It's out of control! I can't stop it! Oh God! The legs are going! Calm down, calm down! PLASTIC SURGEON (CONT'D): Lips, madam. EDINA: No more, no more! No! No more, no more, no more! Edina shrieks, waking herself up. EDINA (CONT'D): Oh my body. I love you, my body. Oh God! Oh God! (Edina dials her phone) Pats? Well, is she there? Who are you? Well, what does she look like? Well, turn her over and ask her name. Oh Pats, it is you! Listen, Pats I can't go through with it. I can't. No. Oh alright. INT. EDINA'S HOLLAND PARK RESIDENCE -- KITCHEN EDINA (CONT'D): Looking good, feeling great. Looking good, feeling great. Looks alright, doesn't it, sweetie? Covers a bit. Thin ankles, thin ankles. Look at those, darling. Don't just sit over there. Come on, stand up. Mill about here a bit more when she comes. Form a wall here, so she can't see where I end and you begin. Come on. JUSTIN: You look great. SAFFY: Dad, shut up. MOTHER: She looks fine. EDINA: Keep milling so she doesn't get a clear view. PATSY: OK, she's here. Eddy, great news. EDINA: She's fat. PATSY: No, no, no. Better than that. EDINA: She's dead! PATSY: No. She's blind. EDINA: Yes! Yes, she's blind! PATSY: Come on, darling. Just round the corner, darling. That's it. Last three steps. Last step. CLOSING CREDIT SEQUENCE EDINA: Oh, retina operation is it, Pen? Of course it is. Darling, sit down. Have another little drinkie. Let bygones be bygones. When I get rid of everyone, we'll have a nice little chat. EDINA (CONT'D): You took from me the only man I ever really loved. You're a spiteful b**h, Penny Caspar! Morse. Penny Caspar-Morse, now. Now you come back trying to sell your little bits of tat for my shop. My shop! Well, what a comedown! I'm the successful one now, aren't I? I'm rich and happy and I've got a wonderful family and friends. PENNY: I want you to know I'm no longer coping with this. EDINA: I don't have to go to a plastic surgeon to keep my body together. No, no, no. I've got my fantastic bone structure. I am thin and gorgeous! PENNY: Thin? Ha!