Aaron McGruder - The Fundraiser lyrics

[Riley] People call me The Fund-raiser They call me that 'cause that's what I do I raise funds I get my money up The first rule of fundraising is don't give nothing to nobody Period No charities, no homeless people, Salvation Army, Red Cross, starving Africans, nothing [Homeless Man] Hey, brother [Riley] You can't be raising funds and giving funds away at the same time That's like getting high on your own supply I always had the drive to make money And the plan I knew that if I studied enough gangster movies, I'd know everything I need to know to take over the streets [Grandad] Jesus, boy Look at you All you do is lay around here and watch TV and eat my food and breathe my air Just as lazy as you can be Go out and do something [Riley] What am I supposed to do? I ain't got no money [Grandad] Well, try getting up off your a** and cleaning up my living room You're lucky President Obama is not here to see this You're lazy You need a hobby or something [Riley] Give me an allowance and I'll find a good hobby [Grandad] Allowance? I allow you to live here I allow you to eat my food I allow you to burn up my electricity [Riley] I mean a money allowance [Grandad] Well, how about this? Trash is starting to stink and guess what? You allowed to take it out [Riley] I was a loser I might as well have been dead [Jazmine] Hi, Riley [Riley] Yeah, whatever [Grandad] Oh Well, hello, little baby [Jazmine] Hey, Mr. Freeman Would you like to buy some candy to help keep kids away from gangs and guns? [Grandad] Heck, no I'm a fan of gangs and guns I got some gangs and guns inside right now, you want some? [Jazmine] Ha-ha. Mr. Freeman [Grandad] I'd love some candy I'll take a whole box [Riley] Granddad [Grandad] Shut the hell up Mind your business [Jazmine] Thank you, Mr. Freeman [Grandad] Okay, little baby Be good, now [Riley] Hey, what you just sell my granddad? [Jazmine] Candy bars for the school fundraiser, silly Aren't you doing it? The fundraiser [Riley] I had to think back 'cause I wasn't paying attention the first time [Riley's Teacher] That's right, kids It's time for World's Ultimate Chocolates annual candy sale fundraiser I've got mine and I can't wait to get out there and sell, sell, sell [Riley] Then I remember why I forgot The World's Ultimate Chocolates fundraiser is basically like selling crack on consignment, except you don't even get no money How they gonna disrespect the game like that? [Riley's Teacher] If you raise $500, you can win a Hannah Montana lenticular key ring If you raise $1300 you'll receive a Jonas Brothers toothbrush And 5000 and you can have this beautiful Chronicles of Narnia iPod case All right, who's ready to sell some candy? [Riley] Aw, man, you doing that? You don't even get to keep none of the money [Jazmine] Yeah, but I've sold $4000 of candy so far, which means I'm only $1000 away from that iPod case [Riley] Damn And that's when it hit me The best idea I ever had in my entire life [Huey] That's the worst idea you ever had in your entire life [Riley] You just mad you didn't think of it [Huey] You want to start a fundraiser with no cause? [Riley] Cause, n***a? I'm the cause 'Cause I wanna a house 'Cause I wanna a yacht 'Cause I wanna get this guap, n***a That's the cause [Huey] You watch a lot of gangster movies, right? [Riley] I seen all of them That's how I know what to do [Huey] Okay, how many of them have a happy ending? [Riley] Yeah, yeah, yeah Okay, but see, that's how I know it's gonna work, right? 'Cause I seen all the mistakes they made, and I'm not gonna make them same mistakes See, I'm gonna do everything the smart way [Huey] Riley I'm gonna to tell you everything that's about to happen if you do this, and how bad this is gonna end First of all [Riley] Aw, stop right there Every time I wanna do something, you tell me what's gonna happen first, and then that's what happen And you always ruin the endings of stuff, man I'm sick of it I wanna be surprised this time [Huey] So no matter how bad it is, you don't wanna hear it? [Riley] Nope [Huey] Cause it's really bad [Riley] Hey Spoiler alert, n***a Didn't you hear me? Keep it to yourself [Huey] Here Good luck [Riley] Thanks That still kind of spoiled it, though The second rule of fundraising is that fundraising is not illegal See, that's 'cause you not technically stealing from people They give you the money So maybe you lie about what you gonna do with it But you never actually take they money from 'em And that's why it's legal Jazmine and Phil were the top candy sellers in the cla** If I was gonna take over the candy game, I'd need they help [Jazmine] Who are we raising the money for? [Riley] A good cause [Jazmine] What cause? [Riley] Uh, a bunch of causes All of them Gangs, guns Uh, all that good stuff [Jazmine] Something that helps animals? [Riley] Yeah, sure Whatever We'll keep gangs and guns away from animals [Phil] I- I don't know I still think the school would be really mad [Riley] Okay, I didn't wanna tell you this, World's Ultimate Chocolates they secretly funded by the Ku Klux Klan And al Qaeda [Jazmine] What do you think? [Riley] "Young Reezy's Fun-Raiser." I like it Sounds like, you know, some of that positive bullsh** that people eat up Since I came up with the idea, Jazmine and Phil had to provide the startup money for the business [Jazmine] This is our candy money, we need to get this back, Riley [Riley] Why you guys so worried? [Phil] You're wearing a bulletproof vest [Riley] Cindy MacPhearson, a.k.a. C-Murder She had the whole Girl Scout cookie game on lock [Girl] What up, Cindy? I just seen this kid over there, right over there around the corner over there And I know she ain't down with your team [Cindy] Who? [Girl] I don't know Some skinny big-headed b**h [Cindy] Word? Come on [Riley] She wasn't like Jazmine and Phil Cindy was a G [Cindy] What you think you're doing here? [Girl 2] You talking to me? [Cindy] Yeah, I'm talking to you Open your bag What's in your bag? [Girl 2] Ow [Cindy] I'll k** you, b**h [Girls] Get her, Cindy [Cindy] Come here Come here [Riley] But what I really liked about her was that she had less compa**ion than the average girl [Cindy] Take off, b**h [Girls] Yeah, take off Run away, baby [Riley] Hey, how's the cookie hustle? [Cindy] It's cool You want a box? [Riley] Nah, I don't give You get to keep any of that cookie money? [Cindy] I wish I'll move up in the Girl Scout ranks, get awards and whatnot But no cash [Riley] I got a business proposal for you There's a lot of bars I need to move [Cindy] You're not talking about that stupid school candy fundraiser You know that's for s**ers, right? [Riley] Do I looks like a s**er? When you ready to make some real dough, holler at me Get it? Dough, cookies? We had everything we needed to look like a legit company Website, labels, and lots and lots of candy [Parent 1] Sorry kids, tapped out Someone just came through selling chocolate [Parent 2] Oh, I'm so sorry I just bought some from little Timothy [Parent 3] Ugh, if I see another bar of chocolate I'm gonna be sick [Grandad] Hey, boy How's the candy business? [Riley] Terrible We couldn't move nothing The streets are flooded with chocolate from the school fundraiser [Grandad] Well, I just wanted to say I'm proud of you [Riley] Thanks, Granddad You wanna buy some candy? [Grandad] Hell, no You must be out of your damn mind Now, get that out of here [Cindy] See, we need to make it where they ain't no competition We need to move on them Push them out street by street, block by block That's what Beanie Sigel would do [Jazmine] Why don't we just get the kids at school to work for us instead of the school? [Riley] How? [Cindy] We'll walk up to them and say, "Hey," and they say "What?" And then we say, "This is our block Now, you gonna get down, or you gonna lay down?" And if they be like, "Uh Uh, I don't know, let me think about it," We pull out the roscoe and we be like: And they be like, "Ugh, you shot me," And we be like, "Take that, f*ggots [Jazmine] "We could offer them a better deal, like better prizes or something [Cindy] That's not what Beans would do Beans would go to war [Riley] Cindy's right Beans would go to war But war is bad for business We'll do better than stupid prizes Put the word out You sell for us, we'll pay you Cash That brings us to the third rule of fundraising You gotta pay the cost of doing business [Jeff] Hey, Riley Yeah? I heard that you're selling candy for a different fundraising company One that pays kids cash [Riley] Maybe Why should I tell you? [Jeff] Aw, come on, man I've been busting my a** selling candy for months and all I've gotten is this stupid key ring [Riley] It's called Young Reezy's Fun-Raisers, but I don't think it's for you, Jeff They only want hustlers People who'll do anything to gets that sale and make that money A lot of people can't handle that fast lifestyle [Jeff] I swear I can handle it [Riley] When they called me to the office I already knew what it was for By now they had figured out we had knocked off over half the students in the school [Receptionit] He's waiting for you [Riley] Nobody say nothing [Principle] Is it true that you're soliciting students to work for a different, competing fundraiser? This, uh, Young Reezy's Fun-Raiser company? [Riley] They put the fun in fundraising [Principle] That is completely unacceptable You will stop at once [Riley] I don't think so We already have permission slips from half the school's parents, saying that they'll sell candy for us exclusively [Principle] I can't believe this Shame on you [Riley] Shame on me? What, you better than me? The state puts you in charge of these kids, and you turn around and pimp them out to some second-rate candy racket? You disgust me I'm curious, what's your cut? How much does the school get? How much is your soul worth? [Principle] Five percent [Riley] Five percent? Pfft All right, fine I'll match that Can we go now? [Principle] Uh, fair enough J. Edgar Hoover Elementary likes to see its students giving back to the community [Riley] I don't give to nobody I just pay the cost to do business [Cindy] p**y [Riley] This is how the operation worked Kids signed up to be sellers on our website, and they parents sent the money to a PayPal account We paid off store owners for they old candy Once the candy was delivered to the seller, it was time for them to go sell And, man, did they sell They sold after school, on weekends, day, night, rain, sleet, whatever Parents were the best customers The fundraiser kept their kids occupied and even had them making they own money, but it wasn't just about money It was about winning We had parents violating company policy just to get they kids' numbers up We had grown adults actually risking they jobs by trying to push bars on their co-workers And it didn't cost me nothing It was beautiful Once they finally sold through that candy, they give us the cash, we give them they cut and another box of chocolate bars And the whole thing starts all over again We expanded into other neighborhoods Other schools were happy to take the same deal as Hoover Soon, we had set up competitions between local schools to see who could raise the most money And no matter who won, we won [Jazmine] Hey, You can't do that That money is for the animals [Riley] Come on, Jazmine, we allowed to spend some of it on ourselves Call it operating expenses Don't worry, they gonna be plenty of money left for the animals [Jazmine] Are you sure? [Huey] How's it going? [Riley] Fine Great Don't tell me nothing [Huey] All right, but you should know that Jazmine is going... [Riley] La-la-la-la! Not listening I'm not listening [Alistair Ripley] Watch out there, Goldilocks All that chocolate can be bad for your health [Cindy] Say what? [Riley] The operation needed more space, so we moved to a hotel downtown [Usher Person] And this is the Scarface Suite They're just getting it cleaned up for you [Riley] This'll do perfect [Grandad] Hey, boy You got a sec? It's about your, uh, fundraising Who exactly are you raising all that money for? Because Huey said... [Riley] I'm sorry to interrupt, Granddad, 'cause I really wanna hear what you have to say But I got something I want you to see right quick It's outside Huey, you can come too [Grandad] Aah! Is that a Gibbs Aquada? [Riley] Yeah, yeah The car that turns into a boat, and then back into a car [Grandad] For me? Oh, I can't believe it Thank you, boy Oh, you're the best grandson ever Way better than that other one [Riley] Uh, yeah, you wanted to talk to me about something? [Grandad] Uh, nothing Nothing, mm-mm Never mind Oh, I can't believe it I'm gonna be just like James Bond now * James Bond, James Bond James Bond, hey * [Principle] Riley, we got problems Big problems [Riley] Whoa, whoa, whoa What's going on? [Principle] World's Ultimate Chocolates They came by my office today They're mad I mean, they're really mad [Riley] So, what? I'm supposed to be scared of a bunch of guys who make candy? [Principle] Well, they scared me I mean, I'm done, Riley I'm I'm out [Riley] Well, I was tired of paying your punk a** to do nothing anyway [Grandad] You see, uh, Tom all it takes is good, solid grandparenting Look at him He's working hard, taking the initiative [Tom] Jazmine just bought me a flat screen And this [Grandad] Ooh, that's nice [Tom] I know But it just seems like they're making an awful lot of money [Huey] Granddad, you have to try and stop Riley before it's too late [Grandad] At least Riley loves his granddaddy enough to buy him stuff What have you ever bought me, huh? You need to be more like your brother, and try to make the world a better place for me [Riley] World's Ultimate Chocolates started playing rough The message was clear They wanted us out They intimidated our suppliers [World's Ultimate Chocolates Representative] Get out of here [Riley] The schools [Kid] Hey Everybody [World's Ultimate Chocolates Representatives] Hey! f**ing little sh** [Riley] Well, almost everybody [World's Ultimate Chocolates Representative] Oh! Me f**ing knackers! Come here [Kid] Aah! Help! Let me go No, no, no! Please, no [Riley] All right, we just gonna stay cool and keep doing what we doing [Cindy] And just ignore all this? [Riley] Come on, man These guys ain't no gangstas, they make chocolate [Otis Jenkins] One four-foot long slab of chocolate for Riley Freeman Sign right here, n***a [Riley] Huh? Clear his mouth [Kid] Uh, help me Get me out of here [Riley] Who did this? [Kid] They said they said they were from World's Ultimate Chocolates They wanted me to give you a message that this was just the beginning Oh, God, it was so scary [Jazmine] I wanna go home now [Riley] What? [Phil] Me too I quit too [Riley] Why, 'cause he got dipped in chocolate? Big deal, he's a kid That sounds like something most kids would want to have happen Eat your way out of it, n***a, take a bath Let's get back to getting this money [Jazmine] No way This is too weird [Huey] Granddad, you have to listen Do not get into that car [Grandad] It's a car-boat, thank you very much Now get out the way No! No, that's my boat! [Riley] You wanna be in this business, you gotta pay the cost of doing business And when the cost get too high, you get out of business You always gotta spoil something, huh? Man I was going to the hotel to shut down the operation But I wasn't sure what I had started could be stopped Huh? [Homeless Man] Hey, look, here brother Can you spare, uh, some money for a starving African? Hey, you never know when you might need some good karma, now [Riley] Don't give nothing to nobody But I ain't no fundraiser no more [Homeless Man] Thank you so very much, brother Unjambo, and good luck to you [Alistair Ripley] Hope you don't mind We made some tea Allow me to introduce myself I'm the bloke you're stealing from The name's Alister Rigby, but as far as you're concerned I'm Willy f**ing Wonka, and you're taking a sh** in my f**ing chocolate factory [Representatives] Easy boss, don't get upset [Alistair Ripley] When I have to go to the dentist, I'm upset When Liverpool beats Arsenal, I'm upset But when some little sh** decides to take over one of the most profitable territories in the country, I'm beyond f**ing upset I'm very f**ing upset So from now on, you're under new management You will work for me, and in return, you'll receive an allowance [Riley] Allowance? [Alistair Ripley] Yes, allowance As in, I'm allowing you to keep 10 percent, and I'm allowing you to keep drawing breath on this earth Now, you either get down, or you lay down What's it gonna be, sunshine? [Riley] This wasn't no movie The smart thing was to say yes, get up, and leave the room But then I thought to myself, what if this was a movie? Look f** you f** the plane you flew in on f** them shoes f** those socks with the belt on it f** your gay-a** fairy f*ggot accent f** them cheap a** cigars f** your yuck-mouth teeth f** your hair-piece f** your chocolate f** Guy Ritchie f** Prince William f** the queen This is America My president is black and my Lambo is blue, n***a Now, get the f** out my hotel room and if I see you in the street, I'm slapping the sh** out of you [Alistair Ripley] I think this one's spent too much time at the cinema Teach this cheeky ba*tard a lesson [Mafia Leader] Nobody f**ing move! [Riley] Aw Man, This is bad [Alistair Ripley] What is this, a casting call for The Sopranos reunion? Do me a favor, tell room service nobody here ordered the extra-large wop with a side order of wops [Riley] Whoa! [Mafia Boss] Jesus Christ, I thought he'd never shut up So you guys are probably wondering why we just kicked in the door and shot your boss here in the face Well, to be honest, it's tough times out there Nobody's spending on nothing No d**, no who*es, no gambling, nothing Except, apparently, chocolate bars So consider this a hostile takeover We got a problem? [Representatives] Absolutely not [Huey, Cindy, Jazmine & Phil] No [Mafia Boss] Okay, have a nice day Now get the f** out of here [FBI] FBI! FBI! Drop your weapons! Nobody move [Mafia] Don't do something stupid Don't make me do it Oh, man, this is really bad Whose side are you on? We paid you off What are you doing here? It's our chocolate, motherf**er [Riley] How much we got? What do you mean? Don't play with me Jazmine, the money How much money we got? [Jazmine] We don't have any money I donated it [Riley] You what? [Jazmine] I thought that's what I was supposed to do [Riley] You gave away the money? Who told you to give away the money? [Jazmine] That was the point of a fundraiser [Riley] No! Why you do that? [Jazmine] You said it was for charity [Riley] You never give the money away Oh, God Who you give the money to? [PETA] Hello, PETA [Riley] Man, why you didn't tell me she was gonna give away the money? So here I am Back to being a nobody A loser The thing people ask me most is would I do it again? [Adult] Hey, you kids still selling those chocolate bars for charity?